Ahhh…the holidays. A time of family, food, presents and love in the form of Bravo’s resident celebrity brownnoser, Jersey’s own demure viola, Patti Stanger. Patti is a gift to us all – thank you, baby Jesus. She generously gave to us last week the not at all scripted “first time EVER” coupling of two millionaires, Courtney Kerr, and the tri-colored Swedish meatball, Stephan Dahlkvist. Jaws dropped, Patti gasped and gold-diggers wept. A Christmas miracle, if you will.
Today, we meet up with Patti in her office as a past “client” Omar Soliman, and his wife, Stacy, stop by for some camera time. Omar and his brother were featured on their episode with Omar memorably taking his date garbage hauling. The girl ends up dumping (geddit?) Omar after that date, Patti tells us. Quelle surprise! Patti is assured by Stacy that Omar did not request this of her so he either learned his lesson or his episode was completely scripted. A mystery for the ages. He has a baby now and Patti takes all the credit for creating life in Stacy’s womb. Another Christmas miracle! Anyway, his reason for stopping by was to ask Patti to set up his buddy, Joe. Joe’s local and Patti says she’ll see if he’s a right fit for the club. Requirements: Money, somewhat of a personality – good or bad – preferable bad, and a general fondness for famewhoring. I wonder if Patti will pick him? The suspense is killing me.
Mother Theresa and the Virgin Mary of Bravo
Back at the office, Justin sits down with Marisa and David. David is super stressed ghost writing Patti’s blog. He reads an entry from, ahem, one of his followers. Follower has a problem and needs advice on what to do since their boyfriend is too quick on the trigger, ifyouknowwhatimean. All three emit disgusted noises from their mouth holes. Patti enters, takes a seat and reads the entry out loud and says they have to tease and move.
Marisa’s potential Millionaire is an Italian guy named Frank Sirino, personal injury lawyer. David sasses that he’s an ambulance chaser so Marisa valley girls David and tells him at least he’s chasing, so whatEVER. They all laugh and pretend what a witty quip that was.
Marisa’s in there somewhere
Frank lives in Ft. Lauderdale, is a personal injury lawyer and estimates his net worth at 3 mill. He says his celebrity crushes are Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes. Patti says that since Frankie lives in southern Florida and can’t find a hot Latino to hang with he must be a massive douche. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be on this show, Patti. He claims that he’s only had one serious relationship in ten years and then describes himself as a modern-day Jerry Seinfeld since he always finds just one thing wrong with someone and must kick them to the curb.
Seriously, these man-hands gave me nightmares for weeks
She dubs this type of man “great expectations” since men like him think they deserve everything and put women down. Well, then the girls Patti humiliates during recruiting time will be used to it. Think positively!
Justin tells us about our next rich dude, Joe Bayin. You know, Omar’s friend who I totally did not see making it onto this episode? Justin says he grew up in Paris but was born in Cameroon. Patti didn’t know Cameroon is a country in Africa. Between this and Porsha Stewart over in Atlanta thinking the underground railroad had actual trains I have now accepted the fact that I am forever Bravo’s bitch. I just can’t turn away. Joe has an accent, is 37, and is worth 40 million – plus David says he’s hottttt.
Joe introduces himself as CEO of his company and he lives in Del Rey. As a younger guy, he ran track and was in the French Nationals, his net worth is 40 million, travels all the time and even met the Prez. He’s looking for a woman who is beautiful, has some depth, is fit like him and possesses a nice bootay. Patti says all Joe needs to do is settle down, buy a house and plant some roots. Patti brainstorms that a bikini mixer is in order since both these guys are super shallow fit. So much for noticing women for their depth. Unless they meant the depth of their cleavage, in which case, never mind.
Patti’s off to meet Joe at his house and she compliments his décor. We again are reminded that he’s got 40 million clams in the bank, is French raised and African born. He came to America on a track and field scholarship and then fell into technology and made a success. He says he has no time for a personal life since he’s really successful but says he’s now ready to give it a try and settle down.
Patti drills Joe for a long while and says he has dating ADD. Basically, she want him to promise to stick around for a month so he can give getting to know someone a fair shake.
Marissa brings in Frank to meet Patti. We get a recap of who his is, he’s been a partner in his law firm for ten years, has two offices in Florida and again estimates his net worth at 3M. He drives a really neat car and he’s looking for a dark haired, dark complexioned woman with a tight bod. He claims he’s still single because he’s never made a relationship a priority.
Patti is immediately on the attack and says he’s too picky and will end up dying alone. She says he’s not all that good looking and has too high of expectations. Patti says he’s too much past his expiration date to be able to be that way anymore. Dude needs to learn how to settle since he’s got one foot in the grave. Patti says he lets his penis do the picking, he’s too critical and she says his video just made him out to be Shallow Hal. She repeats Shallow Hal about 17 times and makes Frank uncomfortable and makes me laugh. Frank can’t believe a woman is talking to him like that but he’s going to let that slide since she’s the expert. I hate Frank. Her next suggestion is for Frank to call up the top 3 girls he liked and apologize to them for breaking up with them and to tell them why he Shallow Hal’d them. Frank is stupid and agrees to Patti’s face but then turns around to the camera and says he’s going to lie. I can’t wait until he gets busted in his fib to Patti.
This pic has so many uses
Frank – Eva Longoria types, sophisticated, sexy, Latino “spinners”; Joe – sophisticated, smart, active and more than 2 working brain cells.
The Recruits – Joe
Michelle is a fitness coach, plays pro football for a woman’s arena league as well as in a wrestling league as “The Seducer”. She demonstrates her wrestling prowess by taking Justin’s noggin and doing mock head to knee knock, then kisses the top of his head. Luv huh. In.
Vlada is Russian, blonde, lived in France for seven years, speaks four languages. In. Christina, 32, professional dancer. She says she toured with Beyonce and dances around a bit. In. Marianne is another model actress – in.
The Recruits – Frank
Brandy is a model and is age appropriate for Frank. She can do a dolphin call. Doesn’t care that Frank’s a bottom feeding lawyer. In. Francesca is a gymnast and does the splits. In for both guys. Yolibeth is a model and belly dancer. Insy (not outy). Natalie is a third year law student with a nose ring. Patti says she needs to lose the nose ring but she’s in for both guys.
Francesca, Yoli, Natalie
Not everyone was up to snuff as demonstrated by Chandra, an unfunny comedienne. Out. Sinead is a business student who has daddy issues and sounds a bit dim. Out. Venezia is an unfortunate looking “model” who won’t cut her too-long hair. Patti tells her to cut that mop, Venezia refuses. Patti asks Sinead if she would cut her hair if Patti asked and says yes. She then kicks out Venezia, the ungrateful bitch. Don’t ever come back! Venezia OUT. Patti rewards Sinead by declaring, in her benevolence, IN. David gets bitched out for daring to bring that slut hag Venezia to Patti. David hangs his head in shame making a mental note to wash Patti’s car, give her a pedicure, manicure and his left testicle.
Need some ice for that, David?
Back from commercials and we’re poolside with bathing beauties as far as the eye can see. Patti tells Joe to stay on neutral subjects, include them in conversation, ask questions and speak French. Marissa approaches Patti and tells her that Frank is a no-show and is blowing them off. Patti’s PISSED. Frank’s at the airport, high-tailing it out of town to save himself further embarrassment. He knows Patti hates him. Patti calls him a pussy and says, oh, well, this is Joe’s chance to be Hugh Hefner for the day. She gathers the girls and tells them that Frank is a total dick and won’t be coming. Boos all around. Joe’s introduced as one of Pattie’s favorite millionaires. You’ve known him for three days, Patti, get a grip. Have at him, girls!
Joe dives right in and loves that he’s the only man there. He toasts his good luck and starts mingling around. Sinead says she’s from Panama (via the Valley?), giggles like an idiot and is amazed at Joe’s en francais. Joe’s going from group to group and finds Natalie, the full-time law student and they chat for a minute. Michelle and Sierra are approached next and Michelle catches his eye. Yolibeth is fanning herself talking to Joe when Patti interjects that Yoli would be perfect for a different guy. Vlada is swimming up to the side of the pool and Joe finds out she speaks French and they trade a few phrases.
Patti gets Joe alone to decide on his mini-dates. He liked Michelle, the fitness/football/wrestler and Natalie the law student who looks like she could be Joe’s daughter. He seems to have a tough time to pick between the two but he ends up choosing Natalie because he thought they had good chemistry. Patti says she was shy and a dark horse. In her talking head, she said Natalie was her favorite. She was SO NOT but whatever, Patti.
Since Frank flaked out and we’re down one d-bag, Patti visits Teague Egan, entrepreneur, at a local restaurant to set him up with Yolibeth. She calls him out on blowing off the girls she set him up with in the past and says he’s got to cut that out and start listening to Patti, the all-knowing. She says Teague is a nightmare but she’s desperate she likes him and has a girl to train him right. She tells Teague no more sexy times for three months and makes him shake on it. He won’t be shaking anything else for a while since he agrees (on camera) to her terms. She’s going to set up a cooking lesson date for them and this will be a chaperone situation. Patti’s dragging her boyfriend along to critique Teague’s dating skills.
Double date from hell, y’all
PATTI’S CORNER – DANCE LESSON EDITION
Marissa, Justin and David line up and show Patti their twerking skillz. Patti calls out Marisa’s camel toe and dubs it “massive”. She’s such a good friend.
We next find Joe playing volleyball on the beach as Natalie skips up from her Barbie car to join the party. Joe introduces Natalie to Rachel who is an AVP player (pro volleyball). Natalie either has played before or is a natural. Joe likey. They invite another couple to join in for a game and get soundly thrashed until they decide to communicate. Natalie says she’s having a great time and Joe says he has another surprise for her. Is it in his pants?
On to Teague, Yolibeth, Patti and David who are getting a cooking lesson at Cook LA. The owner of the place says they’re going to learn how to make gluten-free pasta. Patti says she’s going to keep the eagle eye on him since he doesn’t listen and is a lazy fuck. They put their aprons on and Patti immediately starts acting like a bitch wanting Teague to talk to Yoli. She’s screaming at him to ask questions as the chef is explaining what they’ll be doing. RUDE. Teague waits until the owner is done talking and then starts making conversation. Patti is haranguing him in the background. GAH. She’s so annoying! A little while later they all toast each other.
Back to Joe and Natalie. Joe set up a picnic on the beach with some Cristal which Natalie cannot pronounce since her braces came off last week. Joe pops the cork and kills a gull. They small talk for a while and have drinkies. Joe calls Natalie hot.
Over to Teague and the gang eating what they just cooked. Patti admonishes Teague for pouring his wine before Yoli’s. They small talk and Patti finds out that Teague’s going to run in the Boston Marathon. Yoli liked that and is glad to know that he’s not the typical LA guy. She should reserve judgment on that for a little while longer. Teague states that he and Yoli will go out after dinner and they’re bringing their friends along. Patti and David say a “hell, no” to that and make them go out just the two of them. Teague says, “yes sensai” and all is right with the world.
Joe has taken Natalie to Soleil for some French cuisine for din-din. He says it’s not the fanciest but it’s authentic and they won’t card Natalie. Thoughtful. Does Natalie like cheese? She does and he gives her some mold to nosh on. Joe gets real with Natalie for while telling her he’s not all about money and they talk about date stuff and get to know each other. The date ends with Joe saying he hopes to see Natalie soon.
STANGER ISLAND – WRAP UP
Patti calls up Yoli to find out about Teague. Yoli says he’s great and really nice. She wants to go out with him on Saturday to celebrate her birthday. Teague is brought in and he says that it’s going really well and they’re going out this weekend. He didn’t know it was her birthday and asks Patti what he should do. She says to take her salsa dancing then pats him on his head and sends him on his way.
Next she calls Natalie for an update. Natalie said her date with Joe was wonderful, filled with volleyball and French food. No kiss but he gave a hug and asked her out on a second date. She says they’re meeting up in Vegas. Patti hopes this is for real. Joe walks in and gives Patti some flowers. He says that he and Natalie had crazy chemistry and will meet up in Vegas. He says that he didn’t kiss Natalie because he was following Pattie’s rules. Patti says kissing doesn’t equal sex. Joe is confused because he’s French.
Confused French guys are a turn-on
Joe and Natalie are still in touch but no serious relationship since Natalie is still in law school in Michigan (and she’s 23 to his 37 – I mean, c’mon!). Teague learned so much from his practice date that he began dating someone new and won’t say if he’s gone three months without sex. Wonder if Yoli still thinks he’s not the typical LA guy?