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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we discovered our season long arc: Erika Jayne’s beaver shot. It’s a mystery, and her vag is basically 2017’s grassy knoll. You don’t know what’s hiding on it, but you know it can kill you.
Not sure what the big deal is about a meat curtain recital right after Christmas, but who am I to stand in the way of a good fight about nothing? It’s what this show thrives on. The only thing I’m sure of in this whole controversy is that NO ONE would purposely flash their O’Keefe at a poor, porky, sweaty, phony jiblet shaker like PK on purpose.
A rich, porky, sweaty, phony jiblet shaker? Sure. But not a poor one. This is Beverly Hills, dahling. You don’t waste a vag shot on poor people.
Sorry, big guy. My vag doesn’t accept PayPal credit.
Shots of the ladies going about their normal lives. Kyle taking Portia’s chewed gum wads from under the kitchen table to see if they still have taste left in them, Dorit trying to pretend she knows how to put pants on her kid, Erika Jayne putting together an Excel Spreadsheet of her planned expenses for the month to see if Don Rickles’ secretary will give her the budget she needs to change the pool filter, etc, etc.
Eileen is at home wailing on an electric guitar while her son plays drums, and it’s the best scene she’s ever shot for this show. Amazing what you can do with Eileen in under five seconds. They cut her off right before she could guilt trip the instrument for not apologizing to her for whatever it did. And trust. It KNOWS what it did.
Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word
Rinna’s hustling at QVC this week, baby. She arrives at the Presidential Suite of the Sheraton and furiously wipes down all the counters, the phone, and the thermostat. She’s acting like this is a legit President’s suite in the 90’s and she’s trying to rid every surface Bill leaked onto. If we were closer, I would have bought her a blacklight for Christmas so she could get all CSI every time she got stuck in a low rent Presidential suite. Bless her heart. Can ghetto ass hotels please stop calling rooms Presidential? You’re embarrassing ‘merka.
Erika Jayne wanders around her Pasadena prison and checks in with her husband, the ever hilarious and handsome Don Rickles, via phone. He shouts that he’s not buying crap and he wants to be taken off the list. She just needs a little support, because her Days of Our Lives taping is today. She calls him back and tells him she’s nervous.
“Ya should be nervous! I’m on a DO NOT CALL list and you’re calling me! When I find out what little strip mall in India you’re calling from I’m gonna Erin Brokovich your ass out of existence ya RAT BASTARD KID GET OFF MAH LAWN!”
He slams down the phone as Erika looks off into space dreamily. She tells us that she moved to Hollywood because she just knew the world would open up to her! Did she dream of almost choking to death on old man balls just to get enough money to shoot a few YouTube videos? No, but dreams don’t come true exactly how you want them to. Point is, she has this giant house to walk around alone in and a bigger Hello Kitty pillow than anyone she knew growing up, so it’s a win…?
She’s no actress and she knows it. “I’m a SHOWGIRL!” She’s being doing shows since she’s little. Erika’s IMDB probably has plays she put on in the living room when she was five, and I’m all for it. If that counts, I should have like six El Paso Tony Awards on my mantle. Or even a mantle.
Erika hit her stride late in life, which is a nice way to say she finally found a comfortable wealthy face to sit on and she’s rich as fuck now so suck it. You go girl. Erika doesn’t like timeframes, and she refuses to go by others’. OK. I like that attitude, but please stop grabbing your salami snail in closeup mode in music videos made for teenagers. It’s not that you’re too old, it’s that…yeah it’s cuz you’re too old. Sorry.
Kyle meets Vanderpump at Villa Blanca for an early lunch, and teases Lisa for drinking wine so early in the day. Kyle was raised right, you guys, and Extra Big Kathy taught her that if you drink before noon, you do it in your car. Mom hugs!
Lisa is still obsessing over stopping China’s Yulin Dog Meat festival. Lisa and Ken put heavy velvet suits onto a dying dog with alopecia, which could be considered torture, but she’s not eating Giggy so I guess she’s ahead in the morality department.
She and Ken have coerced West Hollywood into putting political pressure on China to stop producing Literally Hot Dogs, which cracks me up. West Hollywood is the gay city in which I reside, and these queens can’t even agree on how to design a crosswalk. They need to take a moment to worry about the bitches in their own neighborhood before they try and pass the parade float lady off as some sort of Tea Leoni working on World Politics.
Charity schmarity, let’s talk about Erika Jayne’s vagina. Yes, Kyle saw it too. Dorit talked about it with her already in ten accents. She also used really odd words to tell the story, cuz that’s how world travelers do it. “She had her legs slightleh ajah!” As if Erika’s womb entrance is a cabinet door. Lisa says “I saw what Don Rickles has been munching on for twenty years.” Lisa Vanderpump found a way to out ick dog torture.
Erika’s vagina is at CBS for a meeting about what her role will be on Y & R. Eileen does that actress “hiiii honey!” thing with her, and Erika returns the faux love with some air kisses. Erika compliments Eileen’s smell, which is sweet. She’s had many sweaty dollars in her ass crack, and she’s glad to meet someone else who’s ok with smelling poor. Eileen credits some soap she found in the Dubai Dollar Tree and they’re off to meet the new producer, Maz.
DAAAAHLINGGGGGSSSSS! Maz is a sweet old queen who twirls his glasses in his fingers to seem like he’s paying attention. He gives Erika double kisses and explains to the idiot American that “That’s how we do it in England. Double kisses. Not one. One kiss is so American. So half done. So new world. We also drive on opposite sides of the street. In England it rains a lot. Mostly because God is crying about the single kiss epidemic in tacky America. PLEASE CHANGE.”
Erika can’t go anywhere without being lectured about how fancy mothertrucking England is, but this guy has money, power and a decent glasses twirl, so she’s nice to him. He asks her her “type”. She says she likes guys with less than a decade left on earth and a ball sack that trails behind them when they walk.
“No! Your type!” Erika can’t type.
“NO! WHAT FUCKING ROLE DO YOU WANT? Girl next door? Twins with Parkinsons? Ex prom queen who faked three deaths and came back mysteriously pregnant from the third? WHO ARE YOU?”
Erika laughs and growls “Maybe the WHORE next door!” Maz, seriously, says “That’s a character!” You’d think, but Erika Jayne literally is a whore next door and she’s not really much of a character. Not sure if you should be pulling her reality into this. Class her up a bit. Maybe on this show she can leave her YouTube career behind and be a Vimeo star or some shit.
Dorit and PK are at the mushy baby head doctor to see if baby Phoenix is ready for a boob job. Dorit explains to us, in a voice that is half 7-11 night shift manager and half Mary Poppins that the pean a mum goes through when a choyld is seek is eenduhscrybabeel!
A 3D computer image comes up of Phoenix to show her head before and after pictures. Her head is rounder. Now maybe pick her up once in awhile and stop using her as a paperweight so she can grow up normally. This dreadfool eelness is ovah finally, and it’s kind of fun to guess what kind of illness or malfunction Dorit will come up with next to project onto her child so she can get some attention in the world. It’s like a Yolanda without white jeans and an accent I can grasp.
The doctor stares at them like “take your round headed baby now please kthnx” but Dorit can’t stop feeling the skin under Phoenix’ chin. “How much to get rid of her double chin? The peen of havung a choyld with her fothah’s face is indeescroybabuhl!”
Rinna’s working her HUSTLE BABY! She’s at QVC to sell sweaters. Lots and lots of sweaters. She’s like “WOAH! Is that a new couch at QVC? The Quintessentially VaVaVoom Channel? IS THAT JEAN?!! OMG IT’S JEAN! JEAAAAAN!”
It is, in fact, Jean. The host. Rinna is in her element here. A tiny little planet populated only with people who speak in an endless babble of compliments and exclamations.
Jean gushes “I’m in your SWEATER! How AMAZING do I look? I feel like a NEW WOMAN! A new woman in a new sweater! I’M not just Jean any more I’m JEAN IN A SWEEEEATER!”
Rinna’s like “OMG MY SWEATER CHANGES YOU! Did you get a facelift? Tummy tuck? Body lift? Are you drinking water? Fish oil? WHAT IS IT YOU’RE AMAZING JEAN HOLY STROMBOLI I WOULD MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF THAT SWEATER WAS YOUR SKIIINNNNNNN!”
She gets on the soundstage and dances around, complimenting the pretty cameras and the polish on the floor. She skips and hustles baby and twirls and tells the audience that one of her sweaters is less expensive than taking a family of four to the movies. Um…that’s like really expensive but ok. Are you including popcorn? Drinks? Is this matinee price or after four? Be specific I NEED THAT SWEATER!
Poor families are sitting at home staring at each other depressed this holiday season because mom bought a damn sweater instead of springing for a movie.
Some model lady is showing off a “duster”, which is a cross between a cape and a Christmas tree base cover. Smart to sell poor people clothing named after poor people cleaning products. Duster, the Dust Buster, the Paper Towel, the AntiBacterial Soaper, etc. “Even Harry Hamlin didn’t have a duster in his closet!” Yes. Because he has a maid. WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
She tells us that she’s proud to be a QVC chick. It all started in the recession when her stores were failing and Harry Hamlin was “That guy who used to be on some show and now mumbles his way through Hallmark Movies.” She can bring home the turkey bacon for awhile and Harry can take acting parts that he’s actually interested in because of the art. MMMmmmmm…no. I don’t want art from Harry Hamlin. I want shirtlessness from the 80’s. Raar.
Back at the President(of the local Junior League)ial Suite, Rinna gives Harry a call to talk about dusters. He wonders why she’s selling sweaters in the hottest summer of all time, and she wonders why Presidents all have such hard IKEA couches in their suites.
Kyle comes home after a busy day of finding shit in rose gold to buy three sizes too small. Her dog is named Bambi, which can’t be good joojoo. Didn’t Bambi’s mom get shot? I feel like Kyle is setting herself up for failure here. She rolls her eyes at the dog. “What? Were you just waiting here with a ball?” Like he’s an idiot. It’s what dogs do, Kyle!
They just had a casting session for her sitcom. She didn’t let Portia audition because she’s too young and it would have been awkward watching her shoot scenes featuring Andy Warhol snorting coke off her ass cheeks. Finding an actress to play Kyle is super hard, because there are special skills and stunts required. No one could make it through the audition without crying about their bra being too tight. What happened to method acting for fucks sake?
You might be bored with Kyle’s pretend busy-ness, but Mauri is practically asleep. She calls him and blahs about her project and he starts droning out his usual husbandy answers. “Yeah. Great. This is a fantastic project and you’re gonna be amazing in that sunk in tub. The wrap around balcony is amaaaazingzzzzzzz” thump on the hotel desk as Mauri passes out.
Back at QVC, there’s a new host. Jean’s head probably exploded in excitement when she tried on the plaid picnic napkin pancho. DO I LOOK AMAAAAZZZIINN(ears bleed)GGGGG BAM blood on walls.
This new host, acting like Ed McMahon just showed up at her door with a giant check, excitedly announces that they have a verrrry speeeeeciaaaal phooooooone calllllllll!!! IT’S EILEEN DAVIDSON!
Eileen wants to sell some picnic panchos, but she refuses to help until the host apologizes nine times for putting her on hold. Always great having you around, EILEEN. Rinna shouts “I LOVE YOU!! LOVE YOOOOOOOU! LOVE LOVE AND LOVE YOU AND LOVE ACTUALLY, YOU!”
The Vanderpumps are at a rescue center seeing if there are any broken dogs they can shove in a suit and make sex jokes about. One of the poor dogs lived in a beautiful gated community until it got caught in the gate. The sad story makes Lisa fall in instant love. A cute mangled dog that is terrible at escaping. Box him up!
Ken isn’t into taking yet another dog home. Oh NOW you draw the line? Glad you got a few midget donkeys in before the lifeboat was full, weirdo.
Ken is a flesh roomba, and he’s busy as can be in a store full of dog hair. As he buzzes around bumping off of walls and dropping silent fahts, Lisa tells us that she knew she was going to marry Ken when he pulled over on a date to pick up a wounded dog. She’s so touched by the memory that she politely edits out the part where the dog betrays her somehow and she has it turned into a pillow for Rocio’s room.
Lisa has trouble letting go of a terrified dog who’s never been in a cloud of rich lady perfume, so he poops on her. “After all Ken and I have done for you!” As the dog worker lady puts the pooper down with a syringe, Lisa asks “How many dogs do you have before you’re a crazy person?” Before the crying worker can answer, Ken mumbles “You’re asking the wrong woman. She is a crazy person.” Wow. How sweet of you to come by.
Worker lady stands there sobbing with the dead pooping dog in her arms as the couple buzzes off.
Rinna and Eileen meet Dorit for drinks. Rinna gives Dorit’s new shoes 98 percent fresh tomatoes, BABY! Those shoes changed my life! And you can walk in them? AMAAAAZING BAAAABY!
They blah away some time small talking about their brats, and Dorit tells them about her long difficult struggle with her baby’s mushy head helmet. Rinna can’t give a glowing review to a misshapen baby, so she stays quiet. It’s awkward.
They’ll be taking a field trip to an escape room, which is basically a giant puzzle and the new plot line every housewife of every franchise will have to suffer through. Real Housewives of Atlanta isn’t really comparable to this show in many ways, but they went to an escape room a couple of weeks ago so I’m spoiled. If Sheree Whitfield won’t be at this one screaming nonsensically about one of the women needing baseboards in their home, I’m gonna be disappointed.
This idea is Erika’s, of course. She can’t exactly use her “walking around her giant empty house in terribly patterned sweatsuits” story for every episode, so she’s grabbing out of the bag of generic arcs. At least she didn’t pick the piece of paper that said “Desperate to have a baby at fifty”, cuz we’re already forced to think too much about how badly her vagina needs to retire.
Dorit launches into her Erika Jayne flapping vag monologue. Rinna and Eileen crack up at the story, and Eileen imitates Erika sitting with her legs wide open while telling everyone how shy she is. It’s really funny, and I’m liking fun Eileen. After ordering a salad and a few apologies from the waitress, she assures Dorit that Erika isn’t the type to purposely flash her vag at fat sweaty phonies. Any more. I mean the woman caught a giant bass with that thing. Why would she take it back out on the water to catch a PK?
Dorit insists that Erika has no manners and would know to keep her legs closed if she were a reahl lehdeh! Rinna calls this all out as ho shaming. A normal woman can air out her bolgana boulders in public all she wants, but put a straw wig and too much makeup on and suddenly the world thinks you’re the devil.
Dorit isn’t letting it go, and says she’s gonna leave a pair of panties in her purse just in case it happens when hanging out with Erika again. Her husband is always a couple of twitches away from a fatal heart attack as it is and she’s not letting that fat fuck die until he’s paid the Capital One card off.
Eileen can’t wait to see this confrontation and tries to think of a way to demand an apology for it over the course of the next five seasons. She calls it the Crotch Chronicles, and I laugh. Who is this person, and why has she not been on the show yet? Dorit prefers the term Snatch Chat, and Eileen laughs even though Dorit is trash. There’s finally gonna be a fight this season and she doesn’t have to be the one to start it. Let the Twitter abuse healing begin.
Kyle meets Dorit for some shopping at Justice later to find a new training bra. Everyone’s already sick of her “Alicia Silverstone from Clueless chewed up my steak for me at lunch and I lost three pounds” stories, so she gets Dorit shit talking Erika’s cutlet cave. Guys, I’m sick of talking about Erika’s clam digger. Let’s watch Kyle’s eyes cross for no reason.
Dorit buys Erika panties and tells us that she’s pretty sure Erika has a good sense of humor. So you’ve never watched this show?
Eileen and Erika share a ride to the Escape Room, and Eileen congratulates Erika’s vagina on making it to number one on the Billboard Charts. “You’re basically Rihanna’s vagina.” Hugs! When they arrive, Dorit beelines to Erika with the underwear. Erika’s like um…thanks. She tries to laugh but she doesn’t really do that. Dorit announces to the girls that she bought UNDERWEAR for ERIKA because ERIKA didn’t wear UNDERWEAR! “It’s just a cheeky lihhuhl giff since we’ve owl seen ya vagoiniea now!”
Kyle comes in and Dorit tells her she gave the gift of PANTIES to the WHORE with the loose lips. Kyle laughs. Erika does not. “I tried to forget about it, but ok.”
Dorit, determined to make Erika’s ham handles her big table flipping story arc, announces that she bought the PANTIES for the SLUT because “It just sort of toik on a loif uhv it’s oooown!”
Erika, completely unamused, asks why. “Well, you toil one poison, and then ya tayl anotha poisuhn!” And then it happens. Erika flips her hair back with both hands. It’s a classic Vanderpump move, and it’s nice to see Erika learning something.
The international housewives cry for battle.
Dorit tells a ticket taker and a concession lady about the PANTIES she bought the TRAMP, and laughs that she’s not accusing Erika of doing it on purpose or anything like that. Erika’s vagina wants to strangle Dorit right now and probably could.
Erika gives her advice: “The more you talk about something, the worse it gets. Watch out.” Dorit takes it as a threat and raises the vaginal terrorist warning level to orange. Vanderpump enters and asks how Erika’s vagina is doing today, and Dorit tells her that the vagina has joined ISIS and is recruiting orphan children to walk around bareback to blow up Victoria’s Secrets all across this great country.
Vanderpump laughs and tells Erika that Ken was disappointed he didn’t think to switch seats with PK. Instead, the poor guy was stuck watching Kyle swallow the charcuterie tray. Erika wonders “why these bitches are obsessed with my vagina. It’s not that deep.” She’ll prove it in her next video.
Clown music plays as the ladies go through the puzzles of the escape room, and Eileen is proud of herself for playing so well on Vanderpump’s team. Hopefully Escape Room LA will make t-shirts that say “Team Vanderpump” and make Eileen wear them for eternity.
Afterwards, they all go to lunch. Vanderpump is bored, so she says vagina a few times to get everyone riled up. Erika says that PK is gross for staring at her New Rihanna and not saying anything, and everyone agrees. Dorit gets defensive, because you can’t put it out there on a platter and expect PK not to get excited. He starts sweating and shaking for any kind of platter. At Thanksgiving he unbuttons his pants under the table before dinner even starts.
Erika stays aggressively calm and shrugs a lot insisting that she doesn’t care, and Vanderpump asks if it’s over. “It is for me!” Erika and Dorit exclaim at the same time with no sense of believability. They high five and Erika’s Penis Fly Trap claps like a seal.
As the ladies try to come up with a Plan B for a season long fight subject, Erika asks “Did he at least say it was pretty?”