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J-Mo is a great big, fat, hairy gay guy and he tends to be attracted to the same. He lives in Phoenix, Arizona with his great big, fat, non-hairy boyfriend Tom and two cats named Chunky and Chica (who are far more well-known than he will ever be). He has wasted EIGHT YEARS of his life writing meandering novellas about terrible television shows. You may remember him from such awful TV crapfests as "A Double Shot At Lust With The Fake-Lesbian Twins", "Bitchy Screeching Hairdresser Takes Over", "America's Next Top Skeleton" and "Smelly Starving People On A Remote Beach". Currently he still recaps "Top Chef" (since Season Six) and pitches in from time to time on "The Fake Rich Bitches Of Back East". By day he is a cube-dweller for a giant corporate megaconglomerate, which is exactly why he feels it is appropriate to take out his rage on reality TV denizens. Also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man. By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross. He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation. P.S. That profile picture he's using has been HEAVILY airbrushed...
  • Lester

    Okay, I know I am horribly late chiming in on this recap – but I was traveling over the holidays and I have just returned.
    Watching the episode I felt like Carlos was the only real ass here. Each station had it own cooking/service area and he pitched such a fit about needing the plancha to do his fish without ever mentioning to anyone a need to finish his dish in an oven. Nick was blithely cooking away in his station, following his service plan which included serving his grits on a warm plate when right before service Carlos tells him he needs the oven. I think Nick was well within his rights to tell Carlos no and continue his service as planned.
    Carlos pulled a really dick move when he announced to the judges that Nick stole his oven in an attempt to excuse the fact that he failed to plan correctly for his service and left the judges waiting 15 minutes for his dish.
    Brings to mind the adage – failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Carlos failed to plan and tried to make it Nick’s fault that his dish came out late.

  • Stevie W.

    OK here is my take on the whole stations thing. Had Carlos (given the fact that we have the same mother country I am going to use his first name) taken the wood oven station he would have had both an oven and a small cook top. But because he was focused and insistent on which station he wanted, the plancha, he didn’t have enough forethought to consider serving and plating. Thats how I took Philly’s comment that Carlos is great but self taught and sometimes has issues like with the bone shards last week or seeing the big picture. I have the distinct pleasure of driving past Carlos’s restaurant everyday because its on my way to work and its smallish so he may not be used to serving on such a large scale. Honestly the only thing missing was the obligatory “I am not here to make friends,” talking head.

  • May I just say I love you!!

  • Aunt Dorsey

    Oh, and “Man of La Plancha” — best title ever!

  • cmh5

    Love you! Your recaps are always such a treat!

  • Aunt Dorsey

    P.S. Daddy Tom’s prize should be being locked up alone in the stew room with Creepy Orphan Annie for at least a day.

  • Aunt Dorsey

    What a Boxing Day treat — a recap by J-Mo, coffee and left-over pie! Wah hoooooo.

    Well that was a clusterfuck of dickery. I agree with @Chaosbutterfly, being a tattletale trumps ALL of the other dickery, so Carlos should win the ginormous purple dildo. Aaaaannnnnd, I think Daddy Tom wins the judges’ portion of that contest. The only way to top this episode was to follow it with a festive bris.

    I think SecondChance should have won for “most like cafeteria food” with her soggy cottage cheese grilled sammich. That sounded beyond nasty. I admire Nina for never making any excuses. She didn’t whine to the judges that she had only a tiny blender, she just sucked it up and kept making her corn slime.

    Yay! bonus kitty porn during the recap — “I can haz co-eds?” I bet the terminally perky ones are the most tasty.

    Chica and Chunky are to paraphrase James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell, ‘totes adorbs times INFINITY + infinity’!

    Hope everyone has a fantastic New Year!

  • AliceInPopLand

    Your friendly Oklahoman here JMo! You know I have to comment on Stachebear’s ugly mug popping up. Still greatly hating that fucker claims my state. Why would Bravo think he would be a good face to promote Top Chef at home? Uber Hate! Your kitties are the cutest!

  • Chaosbutterfly

    I think Illegal was the biggest dick of all, just because he told the teacher.
    It’s basic sandbox rules. Everyone is free to kick as much sand around as they want and it can get rought in there, but no matter what happens, the first person to run out the sandbox and snitch to the teacher is the biggest dick in town. I don’t care what happened or how butthurt you feel. You never run and tell the teacher.

    Plus Carlos was lying. If he told someone that he needed an oven, you know the magical elves would have shown it to us with their shady asses. I don’t care if Nick was using the ovens to summon the dark lord. If he marked them during prep and no one contested it, well then those are his ovens to use as he wishes.

    And just a note, grits are best served on a warm plate. It helps them keep that nice creamy texture for longer, so you have more time to eat them. It’s like why you use chilled glasses for champagne if you’re classy. Some of us just use a raggedy plastic mug from dunkin donuts.

    But I think there has been bad blood between Carlos and Nick from the start. Remember the Vietnam food challenge, how Nick was so rude to Carlos for no apparent reason? I think they just don’t like each other and it all came to a head today.

    I did bust out ugly laughing at Carlos’s look of smug satisfaction as he left the Stew Room for his tongue bath. Nick was so damn mad.

    I’m happy for Shirley that she won the car.

    And I’m happy that Devilbear is gone for good. I mean Jesus Christ, what a plot twist, him being such a huge ass.
    I wonder how they made him look so good for those first few episodes. Or did they not make him look that good and we were all blinded by his looks?
    It’ll be good to see him getting his comeuppance, sitting in the gallery of losers. If we’re lucky, there will be plenty shots of Creepy Orphan Annie practically sitting his lap, purring about being “local boys” together while Devilbear silently begs for death with his eyes.

    Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and your adorable family and your furry friends and your big dick boyfriend. Also a Happy New Year.

  • The look in Chica and Chunky’s eyes suggests they are not only “in charge”, but also capable of evil acts.

  • sagittariuskim

    Merry Christmas, J-Mo!

    I’m glad to see Devil Bear go too. I’m surprised they were able to make him look good as long as they did. But I guess with all the other dicks around he was able to fly under the radar.

    I think the dick moves pulled were all pretty much on the same level. So I really can’t say who was the bigger dick, but there’s sure to be some entertainment next week.

    Oh, and obligatory Roll Tide!

  • vallegirl

    You missed the steel-door oven Philly Dick used first for his pork. So he needed not one, not two, but THREE ovens to cook his pork roast and keep his plates warm?


  • StaceySuperfly

    Awesome dickish recap JMo. Illegal made a lot of enemies in the kitchen so that should play out in a fun way, for us at least! Glad to see Devil Bear go, he sure fooled us for a while huh? What a prick. It was torture having to wait 10 pages to see me some kitty porn but oh so worth it, Merry Christmas to your furry family. I adopted a 10 year old male cat a couple months ago, my dads bff died so I offered to give his cat a happy retirement. Then a friend called to ask me to take her 9 month old girl because allergies were kicking her ass. So This morning Sir Patches got a cute little girl kitty for Christmas! He is a Maine Coon and about 3 times her size, she ran right up and gave him a kiss, he hissed and spit and ran away! Oh the shame Sir Patches…the shame. Thank you for all the wonderful laughs, looking forward to another year filled with snark and kitty porn!

  • Holyterror

    Thanks for all the great recaps, J-Mo. I really appreciate the care you take with them, and all your spot-on graphics. Enjoy your holidays. I look forward to seeing you here in the New Year. Kisses to the kitties.

  • rachelkashmir

    @JMo! LOVE LOVE LOVE! your recaps! I just can’t stand these judges! A hundred years ago, when I was in college, I worked in one of the dining centers. ALL the food was made prior to service in order to feed people quickly. You know damn well if our cheffies did that, judges would have cried fat, salty tears that their food was premade but they jump on Justin because his food was too chefish. Puh-lease.

    PhillyDick needs to stop talking about his kids like it’s his excuse for everything. A lot of people have kids, dude. You’re not special.

    Happy Christmas, y’all!

  • arizonatom

    Great recap, J-Mo! But I don’t envy you! As you say, I think there will be some disagreement of who was the bigger dick in this episode.

    I didn’t catch it when I watched the episode, but your clip seems to clearly show Illegal Carlos “stealing” the goose legs from Philly Dick – and doing it with great gusto!

    You called it right when a chef may need to re-think what they are going to do, once they see their limitations on equipment or ingrediences. Second Chance is a great example of that. Instead of a lumpy, un-melted grilled cheese (that should never be served *in* soup) maybe she should have made a spiced cheese spread and made cheese toasts or something? And when Straight Outta Compton found only a little blender, maybe should have done something different with the corn – which may have left her more time to work with the fried chicken?

    Poor Corn Fed may have had a grain of a good idea, but not the way she executed it. Using just the broccoli as the salad and adding a dressing was totally unappealing to me. Even if she mixed the broccoli with some carrot, raisins, walnuts and a sweeter dressing and made something like you find at the grocery store deli counter it would have been better than what she envisioned. Good think she had immunity or I could guarantee she would have been the one eliminated.

    All in all, I think Illegal Carlos was a slightly bigger dick than Philly dick; but there was way, way to much dickery to go around amongst all of them.

    While I may be sad to see Devil Bear go, only because he is SO cute, his dickishness certainly has shown in the past several episodes and I am glad he will not be making it to the final. I never thought I’d say that, but behavior and attitude trumps looks every time! I should know, I am always well-behaved and have a positive and helpful attitude!

    Merry Christmas to you and those adorable kitties! (although they both look like they couldn’t give half a shit, but they’re still gorgeous!)

    Lots O’ Love