May was insanely wonderful. We had Gwyneth, Amanda Byrnes, Linds, and a pageant mom getting all huffy nearly four years after Dear Crabby wrote her T&T recap. Fans went nutz, and it was comment platinum. I mean, what is even better than a comment war? An insane rant, that’s what. Close, though. Close.
Now without further palaver on my part, we have:
Madelyne27 on Dance Moms So Over It, “My dance would have to be called “My Last Value Meal”… bc there’s a much better chance that I’ll crash while trying to rescue a lost french fry off the floor of my car.”
Sarcasatire on Walking Dead No Justice, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading to Myrtle Manor to find Darryl so we can wed. So in the future, While the rest of you fight off zombies, I’m gonna be munching on squirrel.”
Itchy on Amanda Byrnes, “Aren’t the Olsen twins billionaires? And they REALLY need to eat. What’s up with rich people anyway? Don’t they know how to find the fucking fridge?”
NotWithoutMyTV on JSP, “Plus, do you have ANY IDEA how much time and how many calories you burn everyday just using your mouth, tongue and larynx to from simple words like “before”?”
Tracy on Lindsay, “This gives me a great idea for another use of those controversial drones–put the dumb bitch on one then crash it into any Kardashian’s house, thereby eliminating multiple useless fucks. If we’re really lucky, we’ll get Kanye too!”
Plath Addict on Lindsay, “Lindsay understands a few fundamental truths that you guys just don’t understand. Well, ok, @crankyguy gets it. But, the rest of you…”
Chickenlips on Teen Mom, “I can see it now:
Leah: “I’m Leah and my twin girls are gonna rahk the stage!”
Goggles: “I’m Ali and I’m 4 years old. I want to win the pageant so I can win money to start my 529 college savings plan because Lord knows Mommy is going to use all the money she bilks out of Daddy on polyester hair and houses she can’t really afford. Please help me.”
Non-Goggles: “I’m Aleeah. I’m 4. I like eat paste.”
Itchy on SJP, “Well, okay, I’ll come clean here. For the past year or so I’ve been serving as the informal spokesperson for anal itching. Which is why I’m always going on and on about Preparation H.
There. I said it. It’s spread out and in the open now. Ah.”
Crankyguy on Lindsay, “Screwed? She made it to the west coast on time and she is enrolled. That shows good intentions, and for Lindsay, that should be enough. Cut the girl some slack. So she got sidetracked just before check-in time — no biggie.
Nobody is perfect, and artists are special. They give us the gift of their art, and we give them carte blanche. It is the traditional, sacred, social contract between the talented and the hoipoloi.”
NotWithoutMyTV on Martha Stewart, “My name (but not my TRUE name–we don’t know each other THAT well yet, tee hee) is Voldemort. I’m spiritual, not religious, confident and my friends say I’m good-looking in a noseless kind of way. I’m picky, and I refuse to settle. I want a funny, smart, guy’s girl who owns a little black dress and maybe a strap-on, who can sing that “Pina Colada” song with me while we barbecue some muggle children in the backyard and post pictures of my cute Jack Russell to our Facebook page that we made just for our relationship. Please be a Republican, a C cup or larger, and weigh no more than 105 lbs. I’ll be snorkeling in the Bahamas over the weekend, but email with a picture (no pic, no response, because hey, it’s only fair, LOL) and I’ll hit you back when I return.”
Chicken Lips on Commentgasm, “My Rascal used to be a lot faster, but I burned out the turbo boost when Hostess was going out of business – I decided to klass myself up and get some Hostess pies to go along with my Little Debbies and the crowds were FIERCE! I was going to get it fixed, but I needed a new flipper and more rhinestones on my housecoat to help boost the look of my spray tan so I haven’t been able to cobble the money together, so 17 mph is what it is.”
Tracy on Lindsay, “HA! With 10 punches, she gets the Godiva and Narcotics Weekend Fling Basket!”
Gypsy on Lindsay Update, “Agreed @ Classy, love that splotchy self applied Jergan’s brand self tanner too.”
Gypsy on Married to Medicine, “I think we should institute the phrase whenever someone hits a ten mark since this show is still catching on… OR, 15… CATCH FIYAH! (That means, go to hell)”
Tracy on Amazing Reese, “I think some pepper spray would’ve settled her ass right down.”