May was insanely wonderful. We had Gwyneth, Amanda Byrnes, Linds, and a pageant mom getting all huffy nearly four years after Dear Crabby wrote her T&T recap. Fans went nutz, and it was comment platinum. I mean, what is even better than a comment war? An insane rant, that’s what. Close, though. Close.
Now without further palaver on my part, we have:
Madelyne27 on Dance Moms So Over It, “My dance would have to be called “My Last Value Meal”… bc there’s a much better chance that I’ll crash while trying to rescue a lost french fry off the floor of my car.”
Sarcasatire on Walking Dead No Justice, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading to Myrtle Manor to find Darryl so we can wed. So in the future, While the rest of you fight off zombies, I’m gonna be munching on squirrel.”
Itchy on Amanda Byrnes, “Aren’t the Olsen twins billionaires? And they REALLY need to eat. What’s up with rich people anyway? Don’t they know how to find the fucking fridge?”
NotWithoutMyTV on JSP, “Plus, do you have ANY IDEA how much time and how many calories you burn everyday just using your mouth, tongue and larynx to from simple words like “before”?”
Tracy on Lindsay, “This gives me a great idea for another use of those controversial drones–put the dumb bitch on one then crash it into any Kardashian’s house, thereby eliminating multiple useless fucks. If we’re really lucky, we’ll get Kanye too!”
Plath Addict on Lindsay, “Lindsay understands a few fundamental truths that you guys just don’t understand. Well, ok, @crankyguy gets it. But, the rest of you…”
Chickenlips on Teen Mom, “I can see it now:
Leah: “I’m Leah and my twin girls are gonna rahk the stage!”
Goggles: “I’m Ali and I’m 4 years old. I want to win the pageant so I can win money to start my 529 college savings plan because Lord knows Mommy is going to use all the money she bilks out of Daddy on polyester hair and houses she can’t really afford. Please help me.”
Non-Goggles: “I’m Aleeah. I’m 4. I like eat paste.”
Itchy on SJP, “Well, okay, I’ll come clean here. For the past year or so I’ve been serving as the informal spokesperson for anal itching. Which is why I’m always going on and on about Preparation H.
There. I said it. It’s spread out and in the open now. Ah.”
Crankyguy on Lindsay, “Screwed? She made it to the west coast on time and she is enrolled. That shows good intentions, and for Lindsay, that should be enough. Cut the girl some slack. So she got sidetracked just before check-in time — no biggie.
Nobody is perfect, and artists are special. They give us the gift of their art, and we give them carte blanche. It is the traditional, sacred, social contract between the talented and the hoipoloi.”
NotWithoutMyTV on Martha Stewart, “My name (but not my TRUE name–we don’t know each other THAT well yet, tee hee) is Voldemort. I’m spiritual, not religious, confident and my friends say I’m good-looking in a noseless kind of way. I’m picky, and I refuse to settle. I want a funny, smart, guy’s girl who owns a little black dress and maybe a strap-on, who can sing that “Pina Colada” song with me while we barbecue some muggle children in the backyard and post pictures of my cute Jack Russell to our Facebook page that we made just for our relationship. Please be a Republican, a C cup or larger, and weigh no more than 105 lbs. I’ll be snorkeling in the Bahamas over the weekend, but email with a picture (no pic, no response, because hey, it’s only fair, LOL) and I’ll hit you back when I return.”
Chicken Lips on Commentgasm, “My Rascal used to be a lot faster, but I burned out the turbo boost when Hostess was going out of business – I decided to klass myself up and get some Hostess pies to go along with my Little Debbies and the crowds were FIERCE! I was going to get it fixed, but I needed a new flipper and more rhinestones on my housecoat to help boost the look of my spray tan so I haven’t been able to cobble the money together, so 17 mph is what it is.”
Tracy on Lindsay, “HA! With 10 punches, she gets the Godiva and Narcotics Weekend Fling Basket!”
Gypsy on Lindsay Update, “Agreed @ Classy, love that splotchy self applied Jergan’s brand self tanner too.”
Gypsy on Married to Medicine, “I think we should institute the phrase whenever someone hits a ten mark since this show is still catching on… OR, 15… CATCH FIYAH! (That means, go to hell)”
Tracy on Amazing Reese, “I think some pepper spray would’ve settled her ass right down.”
Itchy on American Idol, “I hope the guy in front of you was one of those assholes who insist on leaning their seat ALL THE WAY BACK so his hair is basically falling out in the congealed remains of my scrumptious airplane meal. Because that would make it the perfect American Idol experience.”
NotWithotMyTV on Real World Footlongs, “Low Klass? Check. Vulgar? Check. Sociopathic tendencies? Check… Nia’s every bit as qualified as Patti Stanger to offer relationship advice.”
NotWithOutMyTV on Real World Footlongs, “I totally fucked up myself, and all I had was Wiley E. trying to murderize the Roadrunner. And Rambo. Rambo killed more people than small pox. But they were always North Vietnamese, Russians, or small-town, anti-hippy cops, so it was all above-board.”
Classy Drunk on Married To Medicine minicap, “I wish they would mute Kari and just use subtitles when she speaks. Her voice makes me wish I was in the room with the constant sound of people vomiting, chalkboards being grated, people with violent diarrhea, and that god awful noise that’s made when you pull styrafoam out of a box.”
Itchy on Survivor Buh Bye “Well, with Andrea gone, my loyalties are deflated. Just limp. Shriveled up. Like I’ve been doused with cold water.”
S-Natch on Drag Race, “Roxxxy’s Rascal scooter must have a turbo engine ’cause she has managed to pack on a few in the last couple of months. And what was up with LaToya Jackson? Poor little thing is so stupid the closest she will get to a brainstorm is a light drizzle. Bitch can’t even imitate herself!!”
Gypsy on Real World, “Kovar was ejected for similar behavior. His violence was directed at the dresser though and not a lamp.
Furniture cruelty, it’s a sickness in our society.
Chaosbutterfly on Drag Race, “I get that a messy teased wig is part of her aesthetic and that’s fine. But that thing looked like it lived a rough life on streets and hooked up with a gang of tumbleweeds before trying to turn its life around.”
Itchy on Back Door Farrah, “This gal’s built like one of my kids’ popsicle stick-and-clay puppets. Except they used on silicone instead of clay. Hell, even that Courtney Stodden blowup doll looks rill next to this one.”
Sugarbush on Lindsey Checked, “Thsis proves money and fame can’t buy you proper techniques for applying self-tanner.”
Madelyn2 on Teen Mom 2, “’Lithen Occifer… i may not be able to path a breathalyzer, but don’t worry… i didn’t pour a thingle drink mythelf. And the glathes were totally clean.’
‘By all means, ma’am… I’ll let you get on your way… let me just scrape this small child off your bumper. Thank you for drinking responsibly.’”
Ash1 on RHOC 4 Kids, “New flash, Vicki: The second half of your life started about 20 years ago…unless you’re expecting to live to 130. You do know that plastic surgery doesn’t acutally alter your DNA….don’t you?”
LAC on RHOC 4 Kids, “I do not know who is advising Heather on taking the train to Cunty Town on this show, but if they are also responsible for her acting career – fire them! The level of shrew that she is throwing around should be criminal.”
Gypsy has a Threesome all to herself on Married to Medicine,
“The Lemon Squeeze was doomed when Toya walked in with a ratchet duck feather tethered to her ear but a buoy.’
“ARGH *by! 3rd time is a charm ”
Chaosbutterfly on Celebrity App, “I did think he was cute though. His pockets, stuffed with the money of the same people who nearly exterminated his tribe, were also really cute too.
I love that Trace is such a curmudgeon just because it makes it all the more cute when he gets an idea and lights up. Or best of all, when something happens or he gets an idea and you can tell he’s really excited about it, but he’s trying to play it cool and easy. Like with Hunter Hayes. He tried to announce it all smooth and easy like it wasn’t nothing, but you can tell he wanted to squee like a little school girl.”
Chaosbutterfly on Hell’s Kitchen, “You are never too old for pink, glitter, and girly shit.
Sometimes I fantasize about faking a growth disorder and entering kiddie pageants, just for the chance to rock a ridiculous cupcake dress and win a big sparkly crown. I would blow every last one of those little kids out the water with my expertly placed pretty feet.”
Pink Top on Survivor, “From the moment they emotionally bonded over Brenda retrieving Dawn’s lost teeth and declared loyalty to one another, I absolutely knew that Dawn was going to snake Brenda.”
PlathAddict on BGC, “I have to say that your love of BBQ Corn Chips warms the place where my heart would be if I had one.”
Lindaw205 on Survivor, “Oh, and fan favorite? Malcolm’s abs.”
Hot Cawfee on RHONY, “@ 2 Derek– actually ITS ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
heehee—any time I can get a dig at Aviva “10 languages” Drescher I go for it.
Does it make me a bad person to not really care about any one of than Heather? She brought back the word “clusterf%$@”. And I for one have used it almost daily since its famous utterance on RHNYC.”
Featherhead on Survivor, “They had that cute little bush man come and show them how to find food, but obvi they’d rather sit around and bitch about being hungry!”
Faye on Another Cancellation, Happy Endings, “What other show on ABC has a racist parrot who died of acute alcohol poisoning!?!”
Itchy on Survivor, “All right, look. I’ll take the credit. All of it. For everything. Satisfied?
Now both of you, go to your rooms!”
Followed by Crankyguy, “@itchy: Fine! Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
Lady Stardust on Model Employee, “(Flavor of Love! Rock of Love! And did you ever see that awesomely bad show with the white rappers?). Bring that shit back, VH1!”
Derek Hazelton on Newlyweds, “you want these couples to survive, even though Bravo is going to do their level best to destroy their relationships so they can follow them to divorce court!”
Itchy on Survivor, “Probst probably threw a hissy fit, stamped his foot and said, well, if I can’t have my Hantz, then the others have to sit out the reunion too.”
JalleytoCali on Top Ten, “NWMTV: There’s another way to watch Nick at Nite than high?”
June on DWTS, “I am a big Bachelor fan – I think that what people like about him is that he really is a genuinely decent guy. Utterly boring and has no rhythm or musicality at all, but really just decent. If you like that kind of thing.”
Cattyfan on Survivor, “I unlocked the door hours ago, Mike. Try the doorknob..”
Gypsy on STFU Gweneth! “This truly is a masterpiece however, it just goes to show that no matter how big of a c*nt you are, you cannot trump KIM! The Miss C*UNT of the UNIVERSE title still goes to Kim Kardashian. Gwen is runner up and, we all know; ‘If you ain’t first, you’re last!’” Hey Gypsy, the asterisk really disguised the naughty word.
S-Natch on Million Dollar Listing, “thanks for letting us know that Luis is Puerto Rican. I had no idea,”
Gypsy on STFU Gweneth, “Ahem *clears throat* Gwen, what’s wrong dear? Certainly no one dared rape your frog!”
Pammywrites on STFU Gwyneth. “Go eat a broccoli stem Gwynni.”
Chaosbutterfly on All-Star Celebrity Apprentice, “I mean come on, Donald. Saying something over and over again isn’t gonna make that shit true. If it did, he’d have great hair, women would stay out of the business-world where they don’t belong, and his wife would love him.”
Tapnfeet99 on STFU Gwyneth, “Em, I don’t think Bald is the only beautiful, but I do believe bushes need occasional pruning or else they become overgrown and infested, exactly how I picture hers.”
PopePhilly on Bachelorette Preview, “Dashley! I was not going to watch this season. However, when I heard you were recapping, I got out my curling iron to set my #BachelorHair and stocked up on wine.”
Itchy on Bachelorette, “Des is sweet and all, but having to remember which Zak is which is going to make her too dizzy.”
Speegee on Newlyweds, “Tarz could be an epic douche cannon and still look like he danced off the pages of a Nicholas Sparks book next to that ridiculous plastic banshee”
Gypsy on Married to Medicine, “Bitch you are giving bleach bottle blonde a bad name and THAT is saying something! The entire Bleach Blonde population is sitting in their plastic tri fold chairs with their bottle of baby oil spiked with iodine and Sun-in at their side, weeping and crying out in unison: “THIS IS NOT WHO WE AREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!””
Itchy on Bachelorette, “I don’t see how anyone can NOT watch this show. It’s like a drug. Something about the pacing, the constant repetition, it’s like having a whole troupe of Hare Krisnas in my living room. Just mesmerizing. No, it’s even better than drugs. This is what the drugs will be like in 2213. Yes. Ah. Yes.”
Meg B on Newlyweds, “Not only has she castrated Tarz, she has Bedazzled his balls and is wearing them around her neck like a Hunger Games trophy.”
Classy Drunk on Voting is Open, “Can I nominate the avatar change for Itchy?!?!?! I am in tears at my desk! Itchy will do anything for a win. Next thing you know he’ll be praying.”
WaffleBoy on Amanda’s Audition, “Just one thing, I notice you don’t smoke, does the baby smoke, because otherwise how will you talk to the other chefs?”
Brebay on Dance Moms, “PLEASE send Maddie a case of Metamucil so the girl can take a damn poop and get that constipated look off her face. I think that’s what she’s always reaching for at the end of EVERY damned dance ‘…….MUST…….REACH……..FIBER………’”
Rachelkashmir on Million Dollar Listing, “I can’t say why I don’t like him. Maybe it’s the pompadour. Maybe because he thinks because he’s Latin it automatically equals sex appeal. Maybe because he has the body of a 10 year old boy…a strangly hairy 10 year old boy.”
Hot Cawfee on Once Upon a Time, “OMG– I will take Graham as grownup Mogli. Or Tarzan—-anything shirtless. I am not greedy. wiping drool from chin”
Pottymouth on Survivor,
Gypsy on What Up With Kanye, “Debbie Downer Alert: I asked the coach at the gym this morning to change the station since I can’t stand the woman beating asshole that was on at the moment. So…..he changed it to the SPICE GIRLS! Oh, Karma.”
Gypsy on RHOC Mini, “Vicki is gonna slash Gretchen’s tires. We all know it.”
Sarcasatire on Could Mauricio be…? “I can’t wait until everyone meets for a typical basil leaf and berry lunch to discuss HER problems. It’s gonna be awesome!
Taylor: “I may have taken an elbow to the solar plexus but at least my man never brought home an STD.”
Lisa:”Ken’s wig smells like cat litter, dahling, but he only plays Bangers in Mash with me.”
Adrienne: “Paul doesn’t have the vagina I wanted. So, I left him for our surrogate.”
Wait, Adrienne..I think you missed the point of–
Adrienne: “Shut up or I’ll sue you!”
‘Oh course he’s a cheater. He stole my house!! And for the record, his name is MAURICE!’”
Labowner on RHOC, “I love how Lydia is all sweet and fairy dust nice. She is a shit disturber from way back when. Me thinks she use to tattle on her mom to dad a lot.”
Gypsy on Amanda Byrnes Busted, “Listen, if she is going to go balls to the wall crazy she needs to up her game! A silly old Bong Toss is not going to cut it to today’s cut throat world of the professional disaster celebrity:
She has not:
Crashed her car and fled the scene
Not shaved her head
Has no monkey
Wears no gas mask
Stolen a car with people in it
Had a 5150 placed on her
She has no NDA to party at her house
Does not have a Conservator-ship
Does not have a Wonderland RDanch
She really needs to up her game if we she wants to be taken seriously as a professional train wreck.
Tracy on Carrie Underwood, “But that dress! Could be Itchy’s scary new avatar!”
Faye on the Bong was a Vase, “If her clothing line is unsucessful she could join forces with the other Corey for that Goonies sequel we were promised forever ago”
Robin on What up with Kanye, “’ I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin’ babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckin’ sue me and shit.’
I betcha this is verbatum from a contract between Kim and Kanye.”
Sugarbush on The Bong was a vase, “I’ll never forget helping my mom clean out my brother’s closet after he moved out. It was an endless supply of makeshift bongs. My brother is the MacGuyver of bongs.”
We have struck comment platinum. This is unique. It is a response to at least one, possibly to all, of the 23 comments to Dear Crabby’s vintage T&T posts. In fact, the post is dated Tuesday, July 28, 2009 | 6:22 pm. It is a perfect example of what we have come to expect of T&T Delusionistas. And now for your reading pleasure, I give you:
Rosemary Harlan on T&T Mommy has a favorite and it isn’t You, 05/27/2013 ” alright I’m ready to rip you guys new oneso I don’t understand why its okay to talk about little girls like even being a little chubby I’m sure your ass is well over weight this is America. Sure she’s a little bit of a bitchy brat but I mean come on if I have as much money as she did I would be a bitchy brat too. so you’re not going to get up and go be her ass are you know because you’re too busy trumping down greasy food and looking at a semen coated computer screen, I strongly urge you to roll away from the screen, because maybe you can see how talking about watching little girls I’m sure are waaay prettier than you when you were little girl or boy walk around in cute little dresses with heavely drawng on makeup is your guilty pleasure might come off as bit of a pedofile thing…just sayin. Now when you have enough time to stop rubbing and jerking off to these gorgeous little girls in the pageants recognize these are some ones babies have little respect or class!!!! Just think of how you would feel if somebody were talking about your children like this and if you don’t have children theres probably a reason for that. Now being the spry young thing that I am I’m going to go do something that doesn’t make TWO WEEK OLD babies lose complete faith in humanity.”
Dramaqn on Justin Bieber Needs…, “Leif (Garrett) is all strung out and sad and balding. Face your futute Biebs, it ain’t pretty.”
Sheesh on Justin Bieber needs…, “458 Italia Ferrari $230,000.
Hollywood Hills home $6.5 mil.
Running into your home after Keyshawn Johnson blocks your Ferrari in the driveway with a Prius ’cause he needs to have a chat with you about your driving skills! Priceless…”
Sarcasatire on Hell’s Kitchen, “I think Smango meant Christine and Bastage opened a restaurant together. The basterdization, or Bastage-ization, (see what i did there?) of his name may have confused the spelling for her”
Itchy on Bachelorette, “Speaking of abs… you’d think that any guy (older than 22 or so) having a body like that ought to be a huge red flag. I mean, what ‘fluids’exactly has he been drilling? Speaking of which, I think Drew and Brandon will make a very nice couple.”
Gypsy on Courtney Love and Amanda Byrnes, “Brit Brit is sitting back with a bucket of KFC laughing her ass off right now, you just know she is.”
The Spiral on Courtney Love and Amanda Byrnes, “So this is Amanda Bynes’ new defense against the haters? Because I’ve seen her launch this same attack on everyone who criticizes her: ‘I think you’re ugly and jealous and also UGLY and all my friends think so too!’ And by ‘all her friends’ she means the invisible crack fairies fluttering around her head whispering ‘you’re a pretty pretty princess’ in her ear all day.”
Gypsy on Courtney Love and Amanda Byrnes, “If I am ever granted three wishes I am certain one of them would be to morph into a falling starlet for a year. Then I would come back and tell the people of earth what is was like to live life on another planet.
Aunt Dorsey on Survivor Blood vs Water, “Jebus on a pogo stick. They are really bringing back RC? That woman’s laugh could slaughter thousands of innocent bats out for a light midnight snack.”
Sugarbush on Britney, “My husband and I marvel at the fact that we know the lyrics to thousands of songs and every single line to hundreds of movies, yet each day we forget where we put the car keys and, much like Karyn, forget why the hell we went to the grocery store. We tend to say, “Whatever. It was probably to get more Twizzlers, root beer, and Cheetoes.” So, we’re endlessly unhealthy, but we can sing along to anything.”
Dear Crabby on Commentgasm, “God bless America, reality TV, and fat-assed bratty kids dressed like whores. Or is that all redundant?”
Considerthis on Baachelorette, “Poor Dez slim pickens to live happily ever after under the expressway bridge with”
Crazy rooster on Commentgasm, “I’m scared. Hold me….but please do not distribute semen on my screen.”
NotWithoutMyTV on RHOC, “Heather: ‘Slade or Gretchen were RUDE, and I will NOT be inviting them to anything in the fu…. what? The producers booked the three of us on a Japanese game show? Well, okay. I do have to keep up my career! But there better not be any DRAMA, because if there is, I swear, I will make my weirdly over-sized eyes even bigger with fake rage!’”
Itchy on the Bachelorette, “I’m pretty sure the problem with casting this season came from Des’s demand that they only bring on guys with extremely large feet. Something her mother whispered to her once while polishing her father’s astonishingly tiny shoes.”
Sarcasatire on It’s Official Mariah…, “My caption is ‘Take the Tastemaker Challenge.’ Um..isn’t that the advice you should’ve given the Idol judges last season? Like, how to pick a winner…that actually has a career a year after their win. Paula Abdul picked better winners than this..and not just from her nostrils.”
JimbobJones on The Winning Word is…, “Last person who had sex with Amanda Bynes caught a bad case of knaidel.”
Aunt Dorsey on Real World, “The Zombie Douche Apocalypso was the highlight of the show for me. Daylight come and me wan’ go home. Now if someone would kindly eat Nia’s brain, or what passes for it. Love me some pudgy well fed zombies.”
Neighbors Talk About Living in Amanda Byrnes’ Building “She knocked on one woman’s door, and when it opened, she screamed ‘You’re ugly,’ and ran away.” —
followed by responses by our Gasmii:
JimbobJones, “Who’s to say the woman WASN’T ugly?!”
Sparkle McSnarkle, “I think it sounds like a perfectly acceptable way to spend an evening. And wicked fun.”
Chicken Lips, “Why didn’t they interview the downstairs neighbor that said, “Hey man! Free bong!”?”
Aunt Dorsey, “Have they tried the old life saving *Cunt Punt* yet?”
JimbobJones (redux), “Oh, and the neighbor would say “Hey Man! Free vase!”… get with it!”
Juddfan, “All they need is holy water, they can gather in the lobby, spray her with it, and chant ‘ The power of Christ compels you!’”
Aunt Dorsey on Taylor Swift’s, um, Fragrance, “Lychee and tangerine? Sounds like the dessert section of one of those buffets at a cheap Chinese restaurant.
Now cigarettes and urine sounds so French, like Gauloise — I always thought those were made out of horse shit. She could wear a cute little beret on top of that Courtney Stodden wig.”