Happy Holidays Trashtalkers! It is the season finale of 90 Day Fiancé and I’ve been on board this crazy train since day 1. Choo choo! I love it even more than I loved Married at First Sight! Basically, one member of each couple has been granted a K-1 Visa on the condition he or she marry a U.S. citizen within 90 days or return to his or her home country. Its Mail Order Brides: the TV show! The couples all have these sketchy back stories about how they “met” that aren’t important because I think they are ordered their spouses online like a Domino’s pizza.
Last time TLC wrapped up the season and each of the six couples actually tied the noose, I mean knot:
Jason and Cassia
If my memory serves me right, Jason claims he met Cassia online when he was in the armed forces and she was dating one of his comrades. Out of all the couples on this show, I think Jason is most likely to be a legit serial killer. He seems completely dead behind the eyes and probably has a long secretly history of missing mail order brides (#mailordermurder). When the season started, Jason was the ONLY American to fly to the fiancé’s country to “pick” the person up, in this case Brazil, while Cassia had been throwing a hissy fit threatening she may not show up when he arrived. Knowing what a loser he is after a few months together, I bet she wishes she left him at the ‘ol aeroporto. Jason lives with his dad and sells assorted junk for under $10 on EBay. And more importantly he just seems like a complete asshole. So far the arc of the couples story line was that Cassia found a stack of Playboys in his house Jason may or may not have been planning to sell them online…Even with Cassia’s jealousy issue and love for cat eye make-up, I think she is way out of Jason’s league.
In the season finale Jason and Cassia are in Las Vegas counting down the days until their wedding and surrounded by more trash than in Spring Hill, Florida. They seem to love every tacky minute and are wearing these really weird shirts I don’t understand.
Jason’s loser brother Ryan arrives and calls Cassia “Green Card”. Jason is too busy Googling “escort service las vegas hint hint” so Cassia has to ask Ryan WTF about the Green Card thing. Jason ditches her later in the night to drink with his loser boyz and the feral cat is finally realizing she should not marry this tool.
THIS TURNS OUT TO BE THE MOST DEPRESSING BACHELOR PARTY EVER. They sit around a strip mall bar and share oversized fruity drinks they are left untouched while Jason says super cool stuff like “Boom goes the dynamite”. Wow. After about 5 minutes he’s basically in tears and missing Cassia and heads home. Their hotel room is the most depressing shitty looking hotel in all of Las Vegas. It’s awful.
Getting ready for the wedding the next day, the lady at the hair salon asks Cassia, “Do you have a lot of family in town for the wedding?” No! Way to twist the knife salon lady! When we get to the ceremony, Jason’s dad walks Cassia down the aisle and they top off this shitty trip with a shitty ceremony. Cassia legit looks like a mail order bride during the ceremony but a very pretty mail order bride. So good luck you crazy kids! And I hope we don’t see you on Investigation Discovery any time soon!
Mohamed and Danielle
Mohamed and Danielle are BY FAR my favorite couple to watch on this show. Or they were at first and now I just feel bad for that whole town of Norwalk, OH. When we first met Danielle and Mohamed on this show, we really only met Danielle because Mohamed went “missing” in New York after his flight arrived. Danielle has THREE TEENAGE DAUGHTERS living with her in an apartment and a grown son who is living out on his own. She is a social worker or teacher’s aide or something like that and I think only works part time. Mohamed is immediately disappointed by the living situation and throughout the series Danielle reveals she has serious money issues but didn’t want to tell Mohammed before he arrived because then he wouldn’t want to come to marry her (duh) and THEN she even gets a letter in the mail in the middle of filming to let her know she has been laid off. All of these secrets and bills and no money make Mohamed a miffed muffin. Everyone surrounding Danielle, including her grown son only four years younger than Mohamed, is ready to give Mohamed a good talking to about not screwing over this poor lonely woman for a Green Card. Mohammed also refuses Danielle’s sexual advances during the series because of his religion. I don’t know if his religion is men or just Not Danielle but he won’t even kiss her. When Mohamed said that “physically … Danielle is acceptable for me” while looking like he was going to vomit, I just didn’t buy it. At this point Mohamed isn’t sure that America is better than Tunisia and I think that says a lot… as someone who knows nothing about Tunisia.
So the morning of the wedding Danielle is in tears declaring this the worst day of her life! Great start. High stakes. Across town (I’m assuming) Mohamed meets up with a super reputable high profile Norwalk, Ohio attorney to understand how much debt and bad credit he will soon acquire. Just kidding, this dude looks like he spends all his time playing Minecraft and may have been married in The Sims once or twice.
For some reason, Mohammed returns home to Danielle and her three daughters and is like “let’s do this!” They all jump up and down and get ready for their wedding in the middle of nowhere. After they are pronounced Man and Wife, Mohammed says he can’t kiss his bride because it’s Ramadan duh so he can only give her a kiss on the cheek (only AFTER someone from the party begged him to kiss her). Danielle’s nice friend says “this (marriage) is going to be a disaster” and her sister said she thinks the marriage will be over in a couple years.
Two weeks after the wedding, the electricity was turned off because of late payment and Mohammed took off. Danielle’s teenage daughter Faith (my fave), says she thinks her mom should give it a week and then forget about the marriage. Or maybe the electricity it wasn’t really clear. Plus if I had to take a wild guess I would say Faith is pretty happy this guy isn’t around making her mom cry every day and feel bad about herself. Days later Mohammed returns home and a show producer confronts him while he’s on the computer. Mohammed tells him “I am free! I do what I want!” but then he looks really sad and locks himself in a room.
I don’t know who the winner is or who is the loser is in this family. But I hope Mohamed runs away again and Danielle wins the lottery but Mohammed never finds out so he can’t have any of the money. That poor woman deserves some happiness, even if she is an idiot!!!!
Danny and Amy
Danny and Amy met on a religious retreat some years back and are both virgins. Danny works with his brothers at some construction company in Pennsylvania. He, his brothers and friends spend a lot of their story line talking about “the wedding night”. And unlike Mohammed, Danny seems very excited to be intimate one day. I feel like these two discuss the pain Amy will go through and the manhood Danny will magically acquire after they do the deed in every scene…It is inevitably going to be a huge letdown. Plus, isn’t Danny gay? I vote yes. Amy isn’t even allowed to stay at Danny’s home when she moves to the states and it sucks. She just kind of sits around his brother’s house trying to kill time until boner O’clock the wedding. The drama surrounding this couple is that Danny’s father lives in Texas and doesn’t like interracial couples. The show makes a big deal about this, and I am sure Danny’s father is really an asshole, but Danny’s mom tries to be a sweetheart and they seem to keep their mouths shut for the most part during the wedding and around Amy’s family. Especially when Amy’s mom informs them that Amy would be worth a lot of cows in South Africa; she’s a virgin, well educated, beautiful, and other important stuff in spouses. Plus I don’t think it is any real honor marrying into Danny’s family, his brothers light a torch during the wedding dinner and call it the “Sex Torch” followed by very awkward jokes and cricket noises. These two seem like nice people but I think they are really boring.
Chelsea and Yamir met in Nicaragua and moved back to Chelsea’s hometown with her parents in Illinois. I think the house is made out of cement bricks. For those of you who DON’T recognize Yamir, he was in a super popular Nicaraguan boy band called Myla Vox. When Yamir’s manager got wind of Yamir’s plans to move to the United States, he wrote Chelsea a really mean letter, embarrassed him in front of a press conference with all their fans in attendance (like 50 people..!!!) and replaced Yamir basically before Yamir’s flight arrived in the United States. Yamir has two brain cells so he wants to move to Chicago and continue to pursue music instead of live in the middle of nowhere in a weird house built out of cement bricks that looks like a huge college dorm coffee table. But nooooo, Chelsea wants to drive around with her Dad who keeps pretzel sticks in his pocket:
There is no future for Yamir in this town, cmon CHELS!! He moved all the way from Central America at least she can move to Chicago for him. Also Yamir likes to dress like Kanye West and Chelsea is into the dirty hippy thing so Chicago sounds perfecto to me.
Yamir’s family visits for the wedding and Chelsea is all tears because somehow they decided not to finish her wedding dress because they were working on the food? It is all very confusing to me. That issue just magically solves itself and they get married in the woods. It looks like a total hippy wedding held in the woods behind a nursery school but I am not here to judge..err. Yamir and Chelsea’s wedding was nice but I think Amy and Danny had the best wedding. Plus I just like Amy more than Chelsea. Not that it’s a competition! #fourweddings
Brett and Daya
Brett lived with two older women when we met him and had additional uncomfortable friendships with a woman named Susan that I think he might have slept with as well. He has an adorably bratty daughter Cassidy and a seemingly normal ex-wife. Daya is just a PILL from the minute she arrives. She basically just pointed to her luggage, tells him he got her the wrong flowers and then accuses Brett of giving her a fake diamond engagement ring. Not too much has happened since then but they are looking for a new place to live and Daya says “insta-mom” a lot now.
Days from the wedding Brett’s mom is loudly trash talking Daya to her Brett while Daya is in the other room and can hear every word. Daya knows it’s time to show these old ladies who’s HBIC now! Be gone biatch! And it seems some words were exchanged and Brett’s mom is no longer coming to the wedding. I don’t think Daya will miss her.
The wedding is really boring and I think that Brett may either be a serial killer or have a very weird sexual fantasy he has been hiding all along. After the ceremony he makes an uncomfortable joke about his engagement ring being fake and then maybe murders Daya, I’m not sure.
Evelin and Justin
Justin lives in California and describes himself as a bad ass ladies’ man and gym teacher…MmmmK. He says he met Evelin in Columbia during the some soccer thing and went down to visit her for a week or two afterwards and proposed. No one in his family has any idea that she exists or that she is coming to the United States to marry him. When Evelin arrives, he promptly shows her the kitchen full with his dirty dishes to get to work. He is a real prize. Later in the season, Jason announces the engagement to his family while they drink out of solo cups around the pool. His sister-in-law, or “Darth Vader”, almost falls off her chair while simultaneously screaming and whispering “Green Card!” She seems way too invested in Justin’s life. Justin’s mom is sad that he also wants to elope with none of his judgy family present but eventually Evelin convinces him to invite his whole family. Evelin seems really cool and she has really cool nail polish and I like her.
The day of the wedding Justin reminds us a couple of times that now his George Clooney days are over and everyone tries not to laugh in his face. Evelin has no family in attendance and went heavy with the collarbone glitter but she looked like a happy soon to be American bride. Then Evelin and Justin drink from insanely huge champagne classes for no apparent reason.
Next week a catch up special where Danielle and Mohammed are going to get grilled!! I can’t wait!! Happy holidays everyone 🙂
What’d you guys think? Leave it in the comments!
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