Last week on Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti drooled all over super douche Jonathan Chebin and lived to humiliate playboy Eric. Today, Patti walks into her office asking her minions what is her number one rule? Teacher’s pet David says it’s no phone number exchanging with the clients. Ding! Ding! He gets a cookie. Patti shames them all into confessing who is the dirtbag messing with Patti’s rules? Justin admits he did that and Pattie slaps him with probation and gets all Donald Trump and threatens to kick him to the curb.
The Patti has spoken
Round table with Patti, Justin, David and Marisa. Courtney Kerr is revealed to be this week’s quasi-celebrity millionaire – she of “Most Eligible Dallas” and on THIS SEASON ON BRAVO “Courtney Loves Dallas”. Cross over! Hat’s off to Miss Andy. Patti wants to know if her staff has heard of her. Naturally, brown-noser David is practically doing a Horshack in his chair dying to tell Patti that “ooh! OOH!” he knows who she is. Marisa looks bored.
Courtney’s video submission and she says she has a checklist that she doesn’t want to call a checklist: Tall, funny, from a southern family, plays golf and envisions a globe in his imagery office that his mentor gave him. Sheesh. Patti says Courtney’s a ten and she is very attractive. Patti says they’re really good friends (of course) and wants to give her a mixer to end all mixers.
The second millionaire is from David’s stable. He intros Stefan Dahlkvist who owns “Moods Of Norway” a fashion boutique. There is much debate on Stefan’s sexual orientation due to his pink limo, pink jackets and general Metro-ness. He’s from Sweden and is now in Norway with his college buddies selling high fashion clothes with lots of color. He says he likes women so David is bummed. He says he can feel a true connection within 30 minutes of meeting someone. Patti poo-poos that and is not convinced of his heterosexual nature. David insists his gaydar is not beeping so Patti moves on not before calling Stefan a show-off, which she dubs a peacock, and questions his sincerity of finding someone to settle down with.
Back in Patti’s office and Courtney enters to talk to Patti and gets fawned over by David. He gets shooed away and Patti calls Courtney and “M.I.T” which means a Millionaire In Training. Gah. Patti says she loves her MIT’s because they’re not complete assholes yet.
We find out that Courtney’s 31, from Dallas, a fashion blogger, and host of one of Dallas’ top rated morning shows. She has it all except some lovin’. She says the man she wants doesn’t necessarily have to be a fashionista but needs to be confident. She’s in LA all the time so it’s a good excuse to put to the public as to why she’s on the show. She says she’s at a point in her life where she’s enjoying her success but it’s lonely and wants to share her life. Patti touches on Courtney’s past boyfriends and brings up her best friend Matt but Patti said it went nowhere. That must have been showcased on her other show, right? The second one is her last boyfriend from four years ago who dumped her during the countdown on New Years. COLD. Then he married someone else. Ouch. Pattie says Courtney is tough like a New Yorker caught in a southern girl. Courtney wants a tall, funny guy who has job flexibility like she does. He has to have swagger, Patti!
On to Stefan. Patti goes to his store and it’s very pink and colorful, as the title promised. Stefan is wearing a flowered jacket, pink shirt and black tie. He’s cute with bringing his little gnome everywhere with him. He has a pink tractor and a huge pink limo. He says he meets a lot of women but they are on the shallow side. He wants a confident women who has a life of her own. Patti wants to know if Stefan picked out the colors in his store and she can’t believe he’s not gay. He’s not, Patti, he’s European. His last relationship ended because they lived and worked together. His celebrity crush is J-Lo. He likes to ride his motorcycle and go camping so Patti says he’s a peacock on the outside and a falcon in the inside. Stefan likes that and can’t wait for Patti to find him a lovebird.
Patti says it’s time to find some girls and boys for Stephan and Courtney and unconvincingly laments that those two would look good together. FORESHADOWING. Tall guys with swagger for Courtney and for Stephan gets passionate, J-Lo types.
The Recruits – Stephan
Juliette is 28 and a “performer” (ex-stripper) who trains wild animals and does magic. She moved to Hollywood from Vegas where she used to be a go-go dancer (called it!) and does a few hair flip, booty popping moves for Patti and the gang. Patti says she wouldn’t touch Juliette with a 10-foot stripper pole but likes her outgoing personality. In.
Diana is a burlesque dancer that Patti says looks like J-Lo and Eva Mendes had a baby. In.
Pargol is a behavioral therapist. Pargol’s hair is dyed red from her top of her head to about her ears where then it’s brown from her ears to her shoulders. It looks ridiculous and Patti says she’s schizo and no man would want to date her. She gets shuffled off to Patti’s glam squad. In.
Zlata was a Miss Alaska Teen 2009, owns a fitness coaching business, back packed through Europe and is totally in. All three girls get told to go shoe shopping because what they have on their hooves right now is grossing Patti out.
The next three hags get cut down by Patti right away. She tells one girl in a hot pink spandex dress with one Madonna glove on her left hand that Michael Jackson called and wants his glove back. Wahhh-wahhMarisa asks the same girl what the most interestings ever done and she just stares at her. Patti has an aneurisms a good-lookingso they better step it up. Crack that whip, Patti.
Next is Nya a message therapist that can’t twerk but she can move her bod. In.
Paulina is 36, a TV host, loves salsa dancing. She fits the J-Lo look and has her own thing going on. In.
The Recruits – Courtney
Patti says she’s looking for tall and hunky with Texas manners. First up is Brandon, 36, sales rep, former marine Sargeant. In.
Sammy splits his time between Los Angeles and DC, is in real estate and juicing. Patti’s boyfirend is also a juicer. In.
Paul is a navy officer that lives in Fresno. He’s cool with long distance. Patti wonders if he’s straight so she asks David to gaydar his ass. David senses Paul likes the vagine. Patti’s not 100% convinced because of his boy band look but puts him through. In.
Next up is some weirdo called “Mr Bo” who owns a fashion line made out of car parts. What? Mr. Bo resembles a down on his luck Nelson twin. Justin is an out of work bartender. Patti starts to lose her shit saying that her staff is messing up big time with their picks for Courtney. I don’t know, she should have let Mr. Bo through. He’s magic.
Cole is a British comedian, gourmet cook and super cute. In.
David is computer tech guy, bald, double dimples and in his youth was a male stripper. He does a little dance and takes his shirt off. That was sexy. David’s no wallflower so he’s In.
Back from break. Patti wants Courtney to let the man be the man and for Stephan to cool it on the peacock and let a woman bring out his inner falcon. Pulleeze. Patti introduces Stephan to Courtney and tells them that their dates will be conducted with a blind fold to force them to listen to other people for a change. They will eliminate four of the hopefuls and then blind folds come off, more getting to know them and then the picking of the master date. No mini dates this week. Patti and staff leave Court and Stef to go talk to the group. Patti calls out Pargol right away to get a gander of her new hair do and then humiliates her a little by asking her to state how right Patti was about her hideousness. Not done with the humiliation, she makes Justin remind everyone there are no number swapping. Got it, losers?
Court and Stef are chatting behind the scenes completely blind folded and the viewing audience is supposed to be catching on that they have chemistry. Sneaky show! Back to Patti telling everyone that the millionaires will be blind folded and will be forced to use their personalities to charm. Well, that’s not going to be difficult to do in the land of plastic now will it? Court and Stef are introduced to the daters and the mingling commences.
David meets Courtney and she likes his handshake. Paul says he’s a big fan of James Dean and Frank Sinatra which accounts for his hair. Patti sends Justin over to Court to tell her to relax and stop interviewing. Brandon asks about her family. Sammy has relatives in Dallas. Cole tells Court she’s not missing anything by being blind folded as it’s the usual Hollywood bullshit with guys hitting on each other and the girls giving dirty looks to the other girls. Laugh! Court seems to like this one.
Stefan meets Diana and knocks over his drink because he can’t see anything. Juliette says she’s from England. Montage of girls small talking and Stefan asking questions to the girls. Patti feels Stefan is only asking surface questions. Zlata wants to know what he does and Stefan says he likes camping and his motorcycle. A girl in red likes the outdoors. Paulina would take him to the sea in Columbia to see the beauty.
Courtney and Stefan now get to tell their eliminations. The next round of people through are for Courtney – Jeff, David, Michael, Brandon and Cole. Courtney is happy with what she sees after taking off her blindfold. Stefan picked Juliette, Zlata, Jennifer, Nya and Paulina. He takes of his blind fold and can’t believe how hot the girls are.
PATTI’S CORNER – JEWELRY EDITION
Patti teaches a room of ladies what jewelry means when given as a gift. Bracelet = I like you but not sure where this is going; Earrings = we’re dating and I want to get you something nice; Necklace = this is my woman; Ring = Forever. Ankle bracelet means he just wants to bang you. I’ll make sure to write this down for when my niece if of age for these words of wisdom.
Back to the mixer. Courtney is holding court with her picks and compliments them on their hotness. Stephan is holding court at another table and says he likes a few of the women. The camera makes sure to include a snippet of Stephan looking over to Courtney while she’s talking to the men. Patti bring them both up to the stage for their picks with Stephan going first. He says he wants to actually date Courtney instead of the stable of gold diggers. Patti feigns surprise. Gold diggers are pissed. Courtney is asked by Patti what she wants to do and Court says that she liked Stephan, too.
SIDEBAR: I actually believe that Stephan really likes Courtney by the way he’s touching her a lot. Patti then speaks and makes me think this is all part of the script because she’s horrible. I’m so confused!
Stefan is at a honky-tonk somewhere in Los Angeles and he has hired a line dance instructor to teach them the two-step. Courtney is impressed that he thought about her background in choosing this activity. Stefan seems to be really attracted to Courtney and they compliment each other. Shots of tequila are downed and Stefan wants Court to get drunk with him but she’s apt to stick with Patti’s two drink minimum rule. SNORE. They dance a little and seem to have a lot of fun. Stefan’s a super flirt and asks the dance instructor if she thinks Court will make some nice babies. Way to let out that inner Falcon, Stef
Once again, Not Gay
Dance time is over and Stef whistles for his pink limo. Courtney thinks it’s funny. Limo talk with Stefan complimenting Court’s legs and asking her if she’s a passionate lover. He seems fun, doesn’t he? They go to a rented house in the Hollywood hills where there’s a private chef. Stef gets his viking on and opens the champagne with his iPad since he couldn’t get a saber in time for the date. Courtney digs that. Small talk, much laughing. Stef makes a date-rape joke that Court laughs at. I think I like Court, too. Stef hired a singer to sing “Amazing Grace” and tells Court she sang for the Queen of Norway. Courtney thinks that the song was beautiful and it moved her to tears. She thinks Stefan is pretty cool. She jokes about the gnome following them everywhere and they make gnome jokes and it’s super cute. They sit next to each other with their feet in the pool when Stefan makes his move. He gets the cheek instead of the tongue. Court’s a prude.
STANGER ISLAND – WRAP UP
Patti has David and Marisa at her desk and Court on video phone. Court says Stefan was fun and a gentleman. She tells them about the two stepping and the pink limo. Patti wants to know why Court denied Stefan her tongue and she says it just wasn’t the right time but assures Patti she is sexually attracted to Stef. Patti’s disappointed and was sure that a good tongue bath would have taken the stick out of Court’s ass. Leave that to Stefan, Patti! Courtney would go out with Stefan again. Patti is explaining to the audience that a kiss is very important since the only “tell” women have is whether or not the kiss makes them juicy goosey. Patti is the height of ladylike sophistication.
Stef’s turn. He tells Patti about them chatting by the pool and exchanging pecks. Patti wants to know why no tongue action and Stef didn’t want to scare her away. He wants to see Courtney again and visit her in Dallas or have her come to Norway to visit him.
UPDATE: Stefan and Courtney have been in constant touch and Stefan is planning a long weekend in Norway for them both. I found both of these people to actually be quite likeable and that’s a change from the usual barrage of “millionaires” on this show. I might just watch Courtney’s show. Oh, who am I fooling? I’m a total Bravo whore and will definitely watch it, at least once.
That’s it for episode three, Trashies. See you all next week!