Dahlings!!! Welcome to another GORGEOUS season of The Lisa Vanderpump Show!!! That’s MisRed’s impression of Lisa Vanderpump in writing. So, now, go back, read it again in her accent …. Get it?
MisRed, new on the RHOBH beat- attempting to fill the very, very large shoes of Flip, who is too busy, fabulous and famous to cover the comings and goings of these haggard, old broads. Hell! He’s hanging out with them now! And you know what they say about men with LARGE shoes, right? That’s right, LARGE SOCKS. Get your minds out of the gutter!
What will this new season bring? How hard will Kyle be pimping The Agency? Will she have it tattooed on her back fat? Has Lisa Rinna changed her hair? Come on… you know the answer to that. Will Dorit have a new accent? How high will Lisa’s bumpit be? Will Erika actually give one single f*ck? We are about to find out.
Taglines. Let’s review the Taglines. Often, that sets the tone for the entire season:
KYLE- In this town, fame and money come and go, but friends should not.
ERIKA- Some people call me cold. But that’s not ice—it’s Diamonds.
DORIT- I believe in excess in everything… except moderation. Shut up, Dorit. MisRed already can’t with this bitch.
TEDDI- Having the best isn’t important to me, but being my best is. Yawn.
RINNA- I don’t have to buy it because I already OWN IT!.
LVP- The Queen of Diamonds always has an ace up her sleeve.
Some solid lines there- MisRed will give a nod to Erika, Rinna and of course LVP. The rest- meh.
From the previews, it looks like these ladies will be doing a lot of traveling this season. Thank God Bravo shells out for these bitches, unlike poor New Jersey- their cast trip was to Secaucus, wasn’t it?
Jooooooe! Bravo payed all dis monies to films us by this wire fences…
Someone said on one of the Facebook threads “The producers told everyone to wear white or silver, so Vanderpump shows up in brown.” Figures.
Brown is the new white, dahling!
We open with a montage of the women leaving for stuff…
This look really SCREAMS daytime
or getting ready- and Erika, standing in her kitchen in her pajamas, immediately is like “Where the f*ck is the sugar.”
Erika calls Mikey, her gay of all trades – his official title is “Creative Director.” it seems someone has written a ballad for Erika Jayne, and Erika wanted to get Mikey’s reaction.
Hmmm, patting the puss in slo-mo? MIsRed can’t quite picture it, but let’s see how this unfolds.
Erika says she wants to accept every opportunity that comes her way and she wants to do everything today because you never know if you have tomorrow. She doesn’t exactly say that, but this is how MisRed interprets.
The opportunity giver
Erika says she has so many more opportunities now, thanks to the support of her husband. We get snippets of her “growth” as an “artist.” Even SNL made fun of Erika last year!
Mikey thinks next step is to take Erika Jayne to small arenas and theaters.
Or she could join a community production of some Shakespeare play? You there, doth thou patteth the pusseth?
Over at the House the Hamlin built, Lisa is concerned about a rat.
Potential Rat Entry Point
No, not PK, Dorit’s husband, but an actual RAT, that seems to be in her house. She is with her daughters- Gigi and Bella- I mean Delilah and Amelia, who are the broke-down versions of the Hadid sisters. You know- Gigi and the Udder One and the Udder Udder One.
You will be famous if it kills me
Apparently, Rinna is sick and has a vitamin drip coming. She has no time to be sick because she has to pimp out her kids… HARD.
The Hadidn’t Sister
The older one, Delilah doesn’t want to travel because she just got back from Europe and she wants to “chill.” But the younger one, who is only 16, can’t check into a hotel by herself.
The young one can’t even put lipstick on properly
Rinna now refers to herself as a “Momager.”
Anyone can buy a stethoscope on Amazon- just saying.
A “doctor” arrives to give them their vitamin drips. Not sure MisRed would trust this mouth-breather to know which end of the needle goes where.
Alexa, which end is the pointy part?
Don’t believe this guy is a nurse for one minute…
This carpet looks clean enough
The “Doctor” then sorts out his “sterile” bandages and needles on Lisa’s rat-trodden carpet so he can shoot some cortisone into Delilah’s pimple.
MisRed is not ready for this sh*t- it’s very early in the morning.
Kyle meets Vanderpump for lunch. Kyle has a new purse- a Birkin-that probably cost more than MisRed’s car. We are led to believe that the TV show based on her life “American Woman” is doing well enough to afford her this bag. We see a clip and, well, yeah.
Honey, have some fish. Veganism isn’t working for you.
It’s on the “Paramount Network,” whatever the f*ck that is, and it stars Alicia Silverstone… or at least that’s the rumor. But it don’t look like Cher.
Kyle wants to plan a trip to Vegas for Erika and Dorit’s birthdays. LVP reminds her that it is also Rinna’s birthday- but she is unsure how Dorit would react to having Rinna on a birthday trip to Vegas. Lisa says that Rinna really went down and dirty with Dorit. Rinna, if you will recall asked Dorit if people were doing coke in her bathroom?
So, where, exactly is the coke? Draw me a map.
I mean, it’s a valid question. MisRed would want to know where the coke was kept as well. Vanderpump thinks that Rinna needs to dial it back a little. Kyle thinks that she will invite everyone and everyone will just have to deal with the others being there. You know, like adults. Bahahahahaha
Kyle says she will invite Camille, who is slithering her way back onto the show, and a bouncer for the plane. Vanderpump says they should tell Erika to pack her underwear. They comment on Erika having been on Dancing with the Stars- Kyle felt badly that she was never able to go and support Erika. Lisa had not been either- she feels like whenever she texts Erika she gets nothing back.
Kyle feels that she always has a situation where one friend doesn’t like another friend and she tries to not get in the middle. She has now resolved to invite who she wants to invite and whoever is uncomfortable just shouldn’t come.
Just in time for Xmas
Oooh, Santa Clause got my letter- we get a little glimpse of Kyle back fat. What a gift. We are only 11 minutes in.
Kyle eats only part of her lunch because she has to be in a bathing suit in Vegas. Kyle suggests they go out dancing in Vegas- yup, Kyle looks for any excuse to flip her ponytail around and do the splits. LVP says “Well Erika has all the moves- Scratch the Puss, Scratch the Puss.” Kyle corrects her – it’s PAT THE PUSS. Lisa says, “I was going to buy her some medication for that.”
Ok, MisRed is taking bets- who thinks Erika will be pissed off at that comment come reunion time? Show of hands?
Checking in with Dorit, she is in the car taking her son, Jagger, to music class.
He has a funny look on his face- and Dorit asks him if he’s making a poo-poo. She asks because it’s the same face her pudgy, shiny, slimy husband, PK, makes when he makes a poo-poo in his diaper.
Dorit says she and Jagger have always had an EXTREMELY close connection. She says, “I mean, I’ve always understood him.” WTF?!!?! YOU ARE HIS MOTHER. Of course, you’ve understood him. Presumably he shot out of your hoo-hah and you’ve spent time RAISING HIM. Now, if she had said she understood Mick Jagger, MisRed would have been a little more impressed.
How is MisRed doing at veiling her contempt for all things Dorit? You guys buying it?
Dorit takes him to a music class where we meet Teddi and her husband Edwin.
Here’s a blurry picture of Edwin
Here’s a better one…
They have a son named Billy and a daughter named Mary. Bahahaahahha, of course they don’t!!!
Their kids are named Cruz and Slate.
Seriously, they named their daughter after roofing tile.
Dorit and Teddi discuss how their daughters are both “massive fashionistas.” Teddi’s kid is 5 and Dorit’s little girl, CharlieWatts is, like, not even 2. Teddi says she, herself, isn’t a fashionista because she grew up riding horses and was a Professional Equestrian. How many times do you think we will hear that this season?
Poor Jagger, I think he looks like his Dad. Hopefully he will grow out of it.
Dorit tells Teddi that they have been in Miami for the past 4-1/2 months because she was doing renovations to her Beverly Hills house. In Miami, Dorit was able to reconnect with her kids and spend a lot of time with them. Hello? Dorit doesn’t WORK, how is she disconnected from her kids. And how she’s back in Beverly Hills, she feels she “can now connect with other moms, whilst our kids are playing together.” But Dorit over-pronounces “Whilst” with at LONGEST I ever uttered. WHY-LLLLL-SSST.
Dorit says, “I want to meet Moms that have kids.” As opposed to the other kind of Moms. You know the kind that don’t have kids. Oh, wait.
They mention horses a few more times and Dorit name drops Lisa and how she rides every morning. Dorit thinks Teddi MUST meet her best friend Lisa.
Kyle arrives at Erika’s “office” with, yet, another new, Birkin- this time in Red. Of course, Erika has an office, she says- Doctors go to an office. Lawyers go to an office, so why wouldn’t Erika Jayne go to an office?
MisRed will allow you to ponder that for a moment.
Erika wants to show Kyle the most “impordant” room in the office- it’s a room with ridiculously bright light.
I guess the justification is that if you look good in the harshest light possible, you will look good in any light. MisRed has to admit, for all of the other crap swirling in Erika orbit- crazy latex outfits, wild hair, etc. her face is usually pretty flawless.
While in the bright room, Kyle mentions that they are going to Croatia and are having their floors redone while they are there. Fascinating.
She can’t get anywhere near her puss in this position.
They talk briefly about how Dancing with the Stars was a “fish out of water” type situation- “style-wise.” Erika had to unlearn everything and let someone else take control which is something with which she is not familiar. So, let MisRed translate for you- Erika had to learn dance steps as opposed to squatting and patting her vagine. MisRed can see the painful learning curve there.
Kyle tells Erika her idea about having a girls trip to Vegas for the, various, upcoming birthdays.
This face is everything
Erika is like… ugh.
We flashback to Dorit saying how Erika is the only one she hasn’t connected with and Erika saying, “that’s because I don’t like bullshit.” And Dorit saying “Why don’t you just say it then?”
And Erika is like… “I just did.” SNAP. DOUBLE SNAP.
But Erika is in for Vegas. Erika says she had said she was willing to try again with Dorit and PK, after PK visually molested Erika last year. Erika is still bathing in bleach after PK’s beady little eyes saw up Erika’s dress.
Erika’s other interview look. #classicmarge
Over at Teddi’s, she tells us how she grew up wealthy, in Hilton Head, but even though she was wealthy, she knew the value of a dollar. And yet she can’t seem to buy a pair of shorts with more coverage than the average belt.
Can you afford actual shorts?
Teddi tells us she met her husband – as a one night stand. Well, it was supposed to be a one night stand. She woke up with some guy and she thought his name was Edward, but it was actually EdWIN.
One night stand selfie
And then Teddi reveals that her Dad is John Mellencamp. Which, of course, we already knew. MisRed happens to like John Mellencamp, which is rare as MisRed doesn’t really like anyone.
Teddi says that nothing was handed to her on a silver platter and that’s how she is raising her kids. Uh huh.
Back with Dorit and her husband, PK the Hut, they are getting some stuff delivered. Dorit says they had a budget for their home renovation- PK normally deals with the budget- but she is SURE they went WELL OVER budget. We see the before and after shots- eh, it looks nice, but not like, Vanderpump-nice.
We have our usual convo-time with Dorit and PK, which must be written into a contract or something. Dorit says she has a big week and explains that she will be going to Las Vegas to celebrate birthdays with the girls.
PK has a pained look on his face, which might be a slight improvement over his normal face, MisRed is still analyzing with the experts, saying “You have to spend time with Rinna in Vegas?”
He continues “Last time I saw Erika, she was really horrible to me.” We get a reunion flashback of PK attempting to defend himself for being a leering pig, after making Erika feel tremendously uncomfortable about being “caught going commando. “And Rinna was just a joke, horrible.”
Speaking of horrible things:
His eyes follow you everywhere
Dorit says that Rinna came after her to deliberately defame her character and to hurt her.
MisRed will admit, Rinna was off the rails last season. But Dorit is gross and so is her husband. She is a phony right down to that f*cked-up accent she puts on. She is thirsty and so jealous of Erika. She wants to skin her and wear her like last year’s Moschino t-shirt dress- directly off the runway, MisRed might add. She’s from Connecticut for cripessake. MisRed is from Connecticut too AND she has a British husband and you don’t see her putting on some cockamamie accent.
Dorit meets Teddi for a drink, they are meeting Vanderpump as well.
Whatever you do, don’t look it directly in the eyes…
After LVP arrives, Lisa barrages her with her usual litany of questions. Teddi reveals her real name to be Teddi Jo. Oh dear.
Teddi Jo? Oh you shouldn’t have told me that
They discuss horses and the Vegas trip. Dorit is afraid they will scare Teddi Jo if they tell her too much. They discuss how cold Erika is. They invite Teddi Jo to Vegas and she agrees.
Is she excited or surrendering? Hard to tell.
MIsRed did not see that coming, did you?
Yes, Mom, that blazer should hide your back fat
Mikey- Erika’s director, choreographer, set designer, resident waxing specialist, booger-picker, puss-patting stylist is picking out “moments” for Erika.
To you and MisRed, these are OUTFITS.
The ladies meet at the airport to leave for Vegas via private jet.
Camille joins them and is exhausted- she has just flown in from Hawaii. Poor thing. It’s hard for her. She does look great and MisRed needs her blouse to be in MisRed’s closet STAT. (wait until you see if from the back)
Dorit shows up with, yet, another hairdo. Kyle interviews that she has no idea what Dorit’s real hair looks like.
The many hairdon’ts of Dorit
Christ on a bike, MisRed wishes all she had to think about in life was whether or not to clip on some fake bangs today.
Erika shows at the airport, dressed about as subtle as a freight train, and gingerly hugs Dorit.
Not too close…
Erika is probably afraid she will catch whatever PK has, as it’s surely climbed onto Dorit.
Kyle received a call from Rinna whilst at the airport and as it turns out, Rinna will join them in Vegas. Dorit wishes Rinna wasn’t joining them as she has unresolved feeling with Rinna.
They take off and Kyle does her “I afraid of flying” schtick. Then Vanderpump spills her wine all over Kyle’s new Birkin. MisRed slipped Vanderpump a 20-dollar bill to do that.
Wait a second… MisRed REWATCHED and it’s Kyle who spills her OWN wine on her OWN Birkin and then blames LVP for it.
Shouldn’t they be strapped in a little more securely?
They check into the Palazzo.
Kyle channels Ramona Singer, jockeying for the best room.
Later, Kyle, LVP and Camille discuss the Rinna situation and Kyle says she bumped into Harry while she was hiking and he was a little cold to her.
And he said “So what are we going to do about your sister? She obviously cannot be around this group ever, ever again.”
Flashback to BUNNYGATE 2016 where Lisa gave Kim a stuffed rabbit wrapped in clear cellophane- as a gift for Kim’s grandchild.
AND THEN, and then Kim RETURNED the bunny (still wrapped in clear cellophane) to Rinna at the reunion, because Kim didn’t feel “it had good energy.”
You know what else doesn’t feel like it has good energy?
MisRed aside- Rinna was completely out of line speaking about Kim’s sobriety or lack thereof as the case may or may not be. She absolutely owed Kim an apology- which she gave her a few times. It’s Kim’s choice to accept or not accept said apology. But this Bunny business is just a pot-stirring-twat-knuckle-move. Just give the bunny to Good Will if you don’t want it, don’t parade it out on TV under the guise of it not having “good energy.” It’s all bullshit and it was done to upset Lisa. Does MisRed believe that Lisa has diarrhea of the mouth? Yes. Does MisRed believe Rinna acting maliciously? Not sure. Do I think Rinna is cuckoo for coco-puffs? Yup. Kim should be off this show and focus on her life and recovery. She should be like Voldemort, about whom we should not speak.
Kyle says that she can think of 100 things she would rather talk to Lisa Rinna rather than Harry Hamlin- a pap smear. A root canal. An enema. LVP isn’t sure if Dorit can be ok with Rinna.
Over in Dorit’s room, she has her “glam squad” with her. Ugh. She asks their opinion on her outfits- she has two options. One is very tight and very short. The other is extremely tight and extremely short.
Dorit’s glam squad, while amazing, I’m sure- I mean, they successfully wipe most of PK’s sludge and funk off of her- has NOTHING on Erika’s Glam Squad. Don’t send two little white girls to do a gay man’s job.
Over in Erika’s room, her glam squad, is sorting through fake hair and shoe and jewelry options. How long are they in Las Vegas? A month?
It’s all about options…
They seem to have a wine glass full of foundation with a paint brush sticking out of it.
The ever-present Mikey want to know what type of “Lip” they are doing for Erika? Erika doesn’t want a “polite lip.”
Mikey says, “OH NO, we want DSLs!!” (“Dick-Sucking Lips” for those keepings score at home.)
The Poor and the Squadless
The rest of the women seem to be able to get ready without the aid of extra people- gays or otherwise.
Dorit stopped by Fornever 21
Dorit comes to Kyle’s suite and interviews that she doesn’t understand why the hostesses are in the presidential suite – the BIRTHDAY GIRLS should be in the Presidential Suite. Ok Ramona.
Dorit / Erika and Rinna in one suite? Picture it! Now picture Las Vegas CSI power-washing the blood and hair extensions off the walls.
Triple Lutz in 3, 2, 1…
Teddi shows up in an Ice Skating Costume. Uh. Did Teddi Jo forget her pants at the barn?
Rinna shows up.
Who is happy to see me? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
Next week Vegas and hopefully we get to see some vintage Camille MTV dance moves.
Rinna looks like this next week
Dorit wears this next week
Later this season Dorrit looks like this
So what are your thoughts? Are you glad these betches are back? They do seem to be rehashing all old fights… hopefully they will find some new crap to fight about. Hopefully MisRed did Flip proud-ish. MisRed loves to hear your feedback and comments. Love you guys- so glad to be on Bev Hills. Later, betches!! xoxoxox
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