This recap is also available as an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, PK threw a party to honor some dead drag queen that did Dark Crystal re-enactments as David Bowie.
He also gave ten speeches, one about going through life one handed. I only bring that up because PK’s masturbation habits seem like they will be an important part of this season. Sex Drive Spoiler Alert.
This episode opens very early in the morning at Rinna’s place. She’s waiting for an Uber XL to take her and her brat Not Bella (The Other Udda One) to the airport so they can fly to New York and celebrate Not GiGi’s success as a model. Yes, it’s a little close to Yolanda’s storyline of seasons past, but Rinna doesn’t make her kids spit up half chewed almonds, so let’s call it an improvement.
Da Udda One is pissed to be up. She doesn’t even get up this early to work at her big toasting gig. It warms my heart that The Other Udda One kinda openly hates that her sister is becoming famous and she takes out her aggression by feeding people in Beverly Hills toast. It’s like a Lifetime movie, but instead of knives, the jealous sister is armed with carbohydrates. Da Revenge of Da Udda One.
“It’s gluten free. Promise.”
Rinna keeps opening the front door to see if anyone’s there. You know a rich person in LA by how casually they open their door to see who’s outside. Poor people here don’t open the door and see lovely drivers in the expensive Ubers. We see people shitting on sidewalks, screaming at the sky and throwing up in our bushes. I should really think about getting a better job.
New York City. Kyle is on a wrap around balcony with Sophia. I really like this kid, because she seems to understand the idiocy she was born into. This is Big Kathy’s bloodline we’re talking about here, so seeing a teenager turn her face from a camera instead of sucking dick into one is especially poignant.
Kyle tries to make Sophia eat a bowl of oats, and Sophia refuses. It’s what you feed fucking horses MOM. Kyle’s attempt at getting the same kind of love from her kid as Vanderpump gets from her speechless midget donkey horses is blatant and kind of sadorable.
Kyle takes Sophia’s “You’re a fucking moron stares” as a teenager doing her thing. Oh, Kyle. No. It’s your cotton lamb fluff choker and botox addiction induced crossed eyes. You’re staring into the face of honesty. I would tell you to look away, but one of your eyes already is.
There is a bit of Kyle in this kid. She has fake overreaction to tiny things like flies landing on her face or sudden loud sounds. OMG Kyle is literally brainwashing her into being a horse so she can know what unconditional love is. She assures us that Soph inherited good things from her, too. Not sure what she means there, as she doesn’t say, but I think this is a sarcastic hint that she’s given Sophie responsibility of Kim Twitchards in the will.
Come to mama. Now give me back the keys to my house, baby Kyle. It’s the first place I made out with the neighbor lady from Bewitched.
This mother daughter time is really fun. Sophia hates EVERYTHING. Kyle’s here to open a new store, but she and Sophia should open up a New York Tour Line.
Sophia: What are all these buildings?
Kyle: That’s the Empire State Building!
Kyle: The Statue of Liberty!
Sophia: Statue of poke my eyes out until you shave your armpits, nasty cow.
Kyle: Central Park!
Sophia: Homeless toilet. This whole city smells like death and fart.
Kyle: And that’s New York!
Sophia: UGH SHUT UP MOTHER.
Dorit is obsessed with mimicking people really badly, so when Vanderpump arrives at the door of her future foreclosure holding her latest dog/boyfriend/child, Dorit is sure to answer holding…an actual child. Gross. As usual, you’re doing it wrong.
Lisa pats the thing on its head and tries to find something broken about it to love. Nothing? Ah well. Sorry kid with a stupid name. Vanderpump won’t be adopting you today. Put on a limp or something for the next visit and you’ll get out of this hellhole.
Ken’s celebrating another year of battery powered life, so Lisa’s shopping for a birthday gift today. She tells Dorit and PK that the midget donkeys currently contributing to eighty percent of Beverly Hills’ stank were her gift to Ken last year, and we remember it fondly. I would caution Vanderpump, though, that that trip on a private plane to Ohio to buy limping inbred donkey/gerbil hybrids was the moment Rinna realized this woman was officially cookoo bird and decided to turn to the dark side.
This shopping trip won’t be to Oregon, though, and there won’t be some shady farm grifter trafficking lame misbreeds. Hopefully. For all we know she’s gonna fly to Idaho to buy a two headed blind cow with Zika virus to cuddle with at night.
Dorit is in imitation mode, following Pump around cackling in a terrible version of Lisa’s throaty laugh. It’s disturbing.
Lisa drives, which proves she’s making an attempt to be a good friend. She coulda made Dorit call up the lease company to bring that tinted rose iPhone car back to the rental house, but instead lets Dorit let us think it’s in the garage. That’s Boy’s room! I see you, girl.
Point is, Lisa allowed Dorit to convince us for another episode that she’s not a Starbucks card away from bankruptcy. If that’s not effort for a real housewife, I don’t know what is. Besides, Lisa hasn’t offended this one yet, and the girl seems completely fine to be quiet during Lisa’s jokes about fucking wounded farm animals. She’s thrilled with the alliance.
Dorit is too, obviously. The better she gets in with Vanderpump now, the harder she can stab her in the back a couple seasons down the road. This girl may seem as senseless as ankle weights in quicksand, but she knows how to think long term mortgage payoff. “We’re like two peahss in a pooid!” Da fuq? She could have just sung Memory from Cats in Portugese, for all I know. Speak English!
Erika has a big day. It’s her first rehearsal for her new YouTube video Xpnsv or whatever. She spells songs like Safari suggests passwords. Mikey is here, of course. His face is like the full trunk of a Mary Kay car left in the summer sun too long. I have to say, my rudeness aside, it works for him. He, pouts, smile/snarls, rolls his head, circle around the world snaps, and squees: “Busy, busy grrrrl.” Pout smile pout mental double snap and bow. It took me two full sentences to describe the amount of unabashed gayness he packed into 1.5 seconds. Keep fightin’ the good fight, betch!
Erika IS a busy busy girl. She’s booked concerts at Honda dealerships all over America and the goddamn WORLD. These concerts will have glam. Or just cookies and punch and free test drive after your credit is approved. But still. Huge.
The important thing to think of now is this video though, cuz Honda dealerships come and go but the internet is forever. She congratulates the four hos who got the gig and commends them on their commitment to art and reminds us that hard work and dedication can pay off in the long run if you’re truly artistic at heart. Just kidding! She says they all got the jobs cuz they had high boobs and tight butts. Merka.
Mikey spouts off the incredibly complex to do list before the tour starts. “Hair, nails, wig consultations, GIRL EVERYTHANG!!”
The poor twenty year old intern named Laia (warning. Don’t trust someone named Laia) is staring at a notebook trying to comprehend how to handle all the information being thrown at her. Erika snaps them back to attention. “One day at a time.” And she strides out of that meeting like she just fired the entire board. K. Good meeting! Thanks for flying in from Pasadena for this, betch!
Vanderpump and Dorit are at some super fancy jewelry store. You can tell it’s legit cuz there’s a pasty stick up her ass chick in a sweater and pearls playing a boarding school headmistress who insists with her eyes that she’s bigger and stronger than you and can crush you even if she’s way poorer.
Replacement Giggy sneezes all over the headmistress. Now she’s literally snotty. GET IT? Lisa wipes the recently poor dog’s mess off the counter with one of her long sleeves. It makes me wonder if she buys things with sleeves like that on purpose, so she can clean up any embarrassing broken animal incidents. Kinda gross, but it’s also really good manners to clean up after your babies.
She wipes the dog over the counter, just to make sure the snot is gone, and then quips that she could shove a stick up his ass and make Rocio use him as a Swiffer. It’s been awhile since Lisa’s had a Giggy with hair, and she’s drunk with its power.
Dorit cackles and says dahling and fabulous a lot in an accent that sounds like Pepe Le Pew reading German. The headmistress jeweler chick brings out a gigantic watch covered in diamonds that costs about a million bucks. Lisa laughs in her face and mocks the watch as the marmy clerk whisks it away.
Dorit tells a mannequin’s hand how she went to high school with the inventor of the Swatch Watch who was a HUGE CELEBRITY and loved Boy George, who is a HUGE celebrity and Dorit’s gay sister husband.
The clerk returns with what must be a joke. A twenty five thousand dollar watch with a rubber band. Lisa didn’t wanna blow a million bucks, so your counter is twenty five grand? You’re just being a bitch now, headmistress pasty jewelry lady.
Lisa likes it, and the clerk, disgusted with this poorness, is beyond words. Who let these possibly homeless cretins in? A smaller, sweeter man steps in and closes the deal. “You can change the bands!”
Lisa growls “Important to change your rubbers, daaaahling!” HAHA. I love when Vanderpump makes sex jokes about inanimate objects.
Dorit laughs and says “Never wear the same rubber twice!” EW!! Shut up Dorit you’re trash.
New York. A huge obnoxious pink Hummer emblazoned with “Kyle by fuzzfuzzcan’treadfuzz”. I’m guessing that’s “Alene Too?” You know poor Alene is so upset that her name is plastered everywhere in tiny illegible font. Seasons change, minds change. One thing you can always count on NOT changing? Kyle’s an asshole.
Kyle proudly walks around her future Manhattan store. Just think of it. First she brought her quirky brand of Forever Not 21 Ever Again glitter/feather/dancerecital fashions to LA. Then the Hamptons. AND NOW THE WOOOOORLD!!! At the very least, she’s given Big Kathy a new place to walk around feeling richer than her in. Aw! Sister hugs!
Rinna, the original Yelp!, enters the store. She’s more astonished than ever. “Kyle! That pillar! Look at it! Look how it holds the roof up! The flooring! Is this rustic? I LOVE RUSTIC. I can see it now. Piles of money all over the rustic flo…woah. Is that a window? THAT’S AN AMAZING WINDOW I LOVE IT I’M GONNA MARRY THAT WINDOW!”
Kyle’s all “I know right?”
Rinna used to have stores, and God bless him, Harry Hamlin built each one of them with his bare hands. He can do everything! Paint, sing, play guitar, build guitars, filter water with his t-shirt, photoshop, closet organization…
Kyle’s all “Can we go to lunch now?”
…indoor plumbing, financial planning, a bit of piano, scrabble, and also everyone wants to fuck him AM I RIGHT GUYZ. HEZHARYHAMLNZ
The convo switches to Vanderpump VS Rinna and Eileen. Rinna says she got to a good place with Vanderpump and it’s good. It’s good, ok? IT’S GOOD!
Kyle shakes her head, kinda disappointed and not hiding it. She knows that Vanderpump is putting her guilt trip in a box and saving it for when she really needs it later on. Like how Kyle saves the occasional Mike and Ike in her belly button to eat triumphantly alone in bed in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping.
Dorit’s holding her child, which looks awkward for her. She’s like um……….thisthingisdisgustingwhyisitlookingatme.
“I’m taking Jaggah tuh the poik.” Baby Nanny looks at her funny. “Huh?”
“The poik! I’m taking Jaggah to the poik! I’m holding him raght no!”
This lady is not having Dorit, so Dorit waves her away and blabbers on the Toddler Nanny. “We’ah goin to tha poik!”
Toddler Nanny looks at her like she doesn’t buy it. Dorit announces to everyone and no one that she will be taking. Her child. TO THE POIK. I get the impression that taking her child to the park, in her ARMS no less, is not a regular thing for her to do.
But what about poor baby Phoenix? She got a flat head cuz she was left lying in the same position for too long. There’s a reason these nannies don’t understand Dorit’s United Colors of Benetton Spanglaese accent. They haven’t had time to learn it. Temps! No way would an entire team of real nannies leave a baby just lying there like that.
Dorit carries the baby down the stairs, through the foyer and to the SUV, telling vases and doorways that she’s going to be taking Jaggah to THE POIK, in case they hadn’t heard. Jagger is only happy if he can sit in the driver’s seat and pretend to drive. When she puts him in his carseat, he cries. She holds him and has a HUGE decision to make. She tells us it’s difficult somtoime dealing with Jaggah’s deep and complex emotions.
“It’s difficult troying to negotiateahz with a two year old.” HE’S A FUCKING CHILD! Ignore him, put on a DVD in the backseat and pretend you never had the little fucker. A ride in the car is a mother’s alone time.
There’s also a Driver Nanny, who tells Dorit that the speech therapist needs a convo about the lack of progress in his language skills. Jagger refuses to speak. Is he sick? Is he on the spectrum? Or can he just not learn a language because his mother keeps changing the sounds of all the words? That poor kid has no chance.
SHOCKER AHEAD: There will be no ride to any poik today. Jaggah is too distraught. He’s whisked upstairs to the Toddler Nanny, who looks at the kid like “I knew that heifer wasn’t going to a park.”
Eileen and Vince are driving to her mother’s old house for the last time before its sale. It’s super sad, and I don’t really do emotions on this level. I will say that as sad as this scene was, I think Eileen is going to have some drama with Dorit this season. This show is deep, k, and it gives you signs if you look. Eileen’s mom’s house is TIFFANY BLUE.
Eileen talks about her mom’s dementia, and says that knowing she was literally losing her mind was the hardest part. Then she forgot enough to really know what was happening and it kinda normalized. I’d imagine Eileen knows the feeling. The first time her bank account was empty she must have been freaking out. Now she just changes her PIN number daily as a matter of non emotional habit and auto replies yes to any work that comes her way. Aw, happy marriage hugs!!
Rinna and Not Gigi are at Not’s agency, Elite. There are lots of gays who either know who Rinna is or will be future impressed when Melrose Place gets a featured spot on Netflix. Rinna would love to reach out to Yolanda for “kid who’s a model” advice, but, as she says, “I fucked that one up.” Meh. You called her out on her bullshit and most likely saved your kid from some crazy rituals. You know Yolanda forced GiGi to eat at least three fetuses to get that famous. Not GiGi can barely stomach zucchini pasta.
We get a flashback scene of Yolanda telling off Rinna last season at Erika’s Pasadena Whore-BQ for reading the definition of MunhausenLyme on camera. I forgot that she said “Dat is da beegest blow uff mah lyfez!” LOL. Was she not counting the blows she performed herself? I mean come on. She married two zillionaires, and she didn’t win them over with her poetic phonetics.
Not GiGi is doing a look book, and I’m proud of a young model for having enough courage to be around a book, let alone in one. Rinna was a model too, kinda, but some evil gaygent told her she had a face like a bouncy house and should move back to Oregon. Gays are not known for their bedside manner. She’s got another chance at the profession now with Not GiGi, and she’s not gonna let it fail.
The current gaygents look Not GiGI up and down and appraise her as Rinna tells them she’s super hot. Especially compared to when she was a baby. Rinna has (had) a tiny vagina, apparently, so getting NotGi out was rough. Her head got stuck, but Rinna kept pushing anyway while screaming HUSTLE, LITERAL BABY. The brain got caught right at the end, but the pushing continued until NotGiGi popped out with a head shaped like a non twisted balloon animal.
Mushy baby heads are a running theme this episode.
Not GiGi is horrified by this story, the gaygents are horrified and amazed and grateful (it’s a gay thing), and the oatmeal and rock deodorant photographer is grossed out. Her name is Evangyleaineyah and she looks like a typical hippie witch spending too much time in the aisles of Whole Foods and getting in everyone’s way, so no one gives a shit what she thinks anyway.
The twisty balloon head baby story seems to have won Not Gi a place in the look book, so yay to painful births and deformed babies. Not GiGi, stars in her eyes, picks up a magazine with Real GiGI on the cover. “This is my goal.” I’m sorry, but your mother has allowed you to eat more than an almond a day. YOU DON’T DESERVE IT BETCH.
And now, the search party can be called off, as the editors give me a shot of my queen, Rocio. I always worry when I don’t see her, because I know that one day she’s gonna get too used to Pandy’s hand me down clothes and shoes and get snotty and turn on Vanderpump and be put out to pasture. It’s what they all do, isn’t it? I had worried she’d been turned into a saddle or some shit. But no. Here she is, gorgeous as ever, with new hair tint.
One of the most beautiful relationships in life is that between a rich lady and her maid. HUGS
Lisa usually has a huge party for Ken’s birthday, but he’s asked her to chill out this year. Most likely because he doesn’t want her having an excuse to buy a giant animal that can only add piles of shit to his life. He looks grumpy as he opens his gift, worrying it’s the smallest lame monkey on the planet or some shit, and breathes a sigh of relief (and Tums) when it’s just a rubber watch. Not only did Lisa not throw a party, she refused to blow a zillion dollars on the credit card for a gift. He smiles, sighs, and let’s out a long silent fahhhht in celebration.
Lisa holds Harrison, who’s probably been soaked in Febreeze, to her face and waits for the faht to slowly make it’s way towards the canyon. This truly is a happy marriage. She tells us the biggest present she ever gave Ken was Pandora (no offense), but the best was the blowjob she gave him in the car on the way over LOL.
When she can breathe again, she brings up the apartment they’re planning to buy for Max. She’s all about helping her kids as long as they know what it’s like to be broke and struggling first. She can’t fix a child unless it’s broken, a pattern you might recognize in her friendships. She wonders why Max hasn’t ever asked for anything even though they’re loaded. Is he just content being poor? Was he born like that?
Max is adopted, and Lisa has wondered in the past if his birth parents were hobos eating beans out of cans or whatever because Max isn’t as focused on success like Pandy. She let it go, but you know she’s thinking about gummy rascals traveling the country in empty train cars to nowhere whenever she talks about Max being just fine the time he had to go without electricity and hot showers.
Ken reminds her not to worry about the kid. He was raised well enough to ask for cash when he needed new teeth instead of wandering around town like Hobo Joe, so it’s a general win.
Rinna and her brats meet Kyle and her brat for dinner, and Rinna is amazed at the location. “It’s a balcony! I love balconies! And is that a billboard with a Mormon? BROADWAY! Holy moly what talent! What inspiration! IS THAT A NEON WALGREENS SIGN HOLY MOLY GUACAMOLE IT’S TOO MUUUUUUCCCCH!”
Her kids roll her eyes and get to swiping their Tinders. Rinna’s gotta get to QVC to hustle some sweaters or paper towels or Melrose Place Commemorative wigs or whatever the hell she’s hawking this year, so she’s leaving her kids in the city alone. Not GiGi is messaging some hot piece on her app, and Rinna is horrified. 18 is too young to be fucking strangers in the city! Kyle agrees. Her mother may have taken her to Studio 54 when she was ten, but there’s no way she would have let her wander through the city alone. No dates. Only polite blowjobs for fifty bucks or higher if mom runs out of booze. Kyle seems to be in her own weird memory place. Let’s just leave her there.
There’s a tell all book about Kyle’s family, and I can’t bring myself to read it. I’m horrified enough every time cross eyed Kyle tells us “heartwarming” stories. She’s so repressed she can barely see straight, and I know that we’re gonna hear all of the dirty details one day on this show when her botox temple vein finally pops and her eyes cross so far that they’re straight again. I can wait.
Eileen is crying in the car with Vinny, and she’s really sick of crying. “I don’t wanna beat a dead horse.” Vinny gets pissed at her using that saying, because he spends a lot of time and money at the tracks and Eileen’s just bringing more bad luck. He’s no help, so she decides to get a good ole fashioned therapist.
She arrives at the office to find a whispering, feeling woman waiting. “Shhhh now. Shhhh. Hello and welcome shhhhhhh. Please feeel things. FEEEEELLL THEMMMMMM”. Eileen tells her she feels embarrassed that so many people die around her. That really is sad, and Eileen lists all the people that have died in the past few years. Her mom, her sister, her gardener, the customer service manager at Ross Dress for less, Vinnie’s dad, Alan Thicke who she didn’t know well but enjoyed on TV, a fern she planted in the backyard, the list just goes on and on. Even the super sensitive therapist is like “Damn, lady!” with her eyes.
The doc asks Eileen if she can remember the first time she ever felt sad. Oh Lord do we really need to go back that far? Eileen is still upset over a minor friend infraction from last season. This is not a woman who needs to be reminded of pains from fifty years ago. She goes into a memory about her parents fighting a lot as I look for knock off iPads on ebay.
When I come back, the shrink is whispering deeply about Eileen needing to stop feeling shame about having feelings so that she can be her “authentic self”. Basically, her advice is what America has been wanting for three seasons. JUST BE A BITCH. Eileen promises to try, and I promise to stop fast forwarding her scenes when she does.
Kyle, Vanderpump, Dorit and PK meet for a party at Pump. Kyle has worn the wrong underwear for a White Party. Also the wrong bra for any party, but that’s our girl.
Erika arrives in a Kim Kardashian Shamu tribute dress, even though she didn’t know it was a White Party. She’s just lucky, I guess. Or she knew dressing like a black and white cookie would enrage Kyle. Shot of Kyle angrily chomping on carrots. Well done.
Lisa, already cackling, reaches her hand up Erika’s dress to ask if she has underwear Kyle could borrow. Erika isn’t wearing underwear! Lisa D’OHs and cracks up, as if this is the raunchiest thing she’s ever heard. I don’t find it so crazy not to wear undies normally, but Erika should. She displayed her vag flaps pretty prominently in the “I Don’t Give a Fuuuuuuuck” video, and they’re huge. Not meat curtain shaming, just advising that they could fall below the skirt line if she’s not careful. Hey, men have to worry about our nuts doing it every summer. A good basic rule is, if you trip over your privates in the summer sun, wear underwear. There. You all learned something, I hope.
Kyle announces that Alicia Silverstone will be playing her mother on the sitcom she’s producing. I was thinking someone more along the lines of…well, Kim.
Kim: Behave yourself young lady er ahm nod gonna led ya sid on Bob Barker’s labp at Ztudios69z!
Alicia Silverstone does advocate for the method of chewing up her baby’s food before feeding it, though, so she’s messy enough in a different way to fit the role. Besides, it’s 2017. They can’t show Kyle’s mom forcing her kids to do lines off of Goldie Hawn’s ass in a dirty bar. Alicia will work out just fine.
PK is excited to hear about TVLand. He and Dorit flew there with CELEBRITIES they know and are very very very dear friends with. It’s THE place to summer in winter, if you like FAMOUS PEOPLE in BIKINIS made of diiiiiamonds! No one tells him that TVLand isn’t an actual place.
Erika jumps in the convo with her own TV news. She is meeting the Y & R producers tomorrow! Kyle, back to anger carrot chomping, asks “Did you audition?” Hahah. Erika says that no, a role on the show is her birthday gift from Eileen. Vanderpump snarks “She didn’t invite YOU, Kyle, did she?” Kyle’s like um no who cares is there more bleu cheese? And who the fuck ordered carrots?
Vanderpump keeps on. “She didn’t even ask even though YOU’re an ACTRESS.” LOL. Lisa’s just fucking with Erika now, and Erika’s getting pissy. For a woman who rubs her vag on YouTube to shitty rip offs of Gwen Stefani songs, she has a very bad sense of humor. She sips her margarita angrily as Lisa and PK laugh about Americans being such pussies when it comes to jokes.
Erika squints and suggests that they should all just get fake British accents so they can all be dicks to people without repracussions. PK waves her off and calls their humor “self deprecation”, which is crap. That’s when you make fun of yourself, not other people. Still, meh. You know the saying “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit”? It was coined buy someone with no sense of humor. Erika argues that everyone should just be nice to each other.
Lisa pout/snarls. “That’s so American, dahling.” Erika sips harder. “Well, we ARE in America.” Yes. America, the land of opportunity for all. You have the right to flap your vag at people on YouTube and the rest of us have the right to make fun of your thirsty ass. Enjoy your stay.
Best part is, as usual, no one is coming for Erika. She’s just offended in general about everything. Dorit sees that she’s upset, so she whips out her best Charo playing Maria in Sound of Music accent and says “Theha’s sumpthin’ abaht Amerahkan since uh humah!”
Erika snaps “You ARE American! You were born in Connecticut!” HAHAHAH. I think that’s the best thing that’s ever come out of her mouth. It’s about time. Lord knows what’s gone in it.
Dorit doesn’t take the bait and argue, which is highly impressive for a first season wife. Instead, she uses different wording and a different accent to repeat the same thing. PK chimes in that Erika seems like she’s the most “out there” of the group, so it’s odd that she’s so…Dorit takes over. “So beayoooteefoool. And guardad.”
Erika agrees. She is guarded because she doesn’t give trust unless it’s earned. Who said anything about trust? No one here needs to tell you their secrets. Take the stick out of your ass and laugh a little.
Dorit tells us that she’s not really sure why Erika calls herself guarded or shy when she really means arrogant and snotty. I agree with Dorit, and it’s making me uncomfortable.
The next morning, Dorit is in her kitchen telling a wooden spoon that her gay sister husband is Boy George. Her baby won’t eat, so PK shoved the mushed jar of food down his own throat, whole. That’s gonna hurt later. Dorit just stares at the baby with confusion. She considers putting some mayo on the kid so PK will just eat it and she can be done with this farce, but PK catches her attention before she can get out the sandwich bread.
“Thahch was quihah a pahtah! Pump was a pooompiiin!” I’ve been to Pump many times, and I can assure you, it doesn’t pump. Dorit nods and fake laughs and hopes he drops his wallet. “I mean POOOOOMPIIIINNNN” and then does an air fuck motion. You see Dorit wonder to herself in nine accents how she ended up here. “I MUHN ERIKA’S VAGINA WAS PUMPIN MAH FEEEACE!”
At the party, Dorit thought PK was licking his lips because he was daydreaming about shoving croissants down his face, which he was, but turns out it was also because Erika’s lady parts were hanging out. She puts the basic in Basic Instinct. PK insists that it wasn’t attractive, but he couldn’t help from staring. I get it. It’s like how I get when Kyle is around catering of any kind.
PK is sweating all over the place, and I’m not sure if it’s from trying to digest the jar or if Erika Jayne’s vag reminded him of exercise. Either way, he’s gross. Dorit is psyched, though! PK is a very famous celebrity maven celebrity who knows celebrities, so he won’t say “something thaht’s…funoomantalleh uncomforablahs.” I’ve known him for three hours and I know that’s some bullshit. She’s rolling with it though. PK is “polite”, so it’s up to Dorit to bring up Erika’s jay at the next party in front of everyone. She has something to start a fight over. It’s not much, but this show is famous for fights about nothing and I have a feeling this is gonna be a classic. Earn that paycheck, girl.