We did it, Trashii Talkers! We made it through the season, we kept our snark protected, we made it through the season, we kept on being rude, we made it through the season and found ourselves infected by Jeff Probst’s view….I wish he’d screw….himself in the poo(pershooter)….
No, no, merely shitty.
Sorry, Trashii Talkers. I just can’t help myself sometimes. Be glad I occasionally edit myself because there was about four more rhymes here before I cut them out. It’s my Christmas present to you! Mazel Tov!
Anyway….there are three hours of TV to get through (four if I count the OUAT recap I have to do after this one) and dicking around with rhymes ain’t gonna get it wrote!! So on to the show!!
We start where we always do in these finale shows…with an extended recap of the entire season. You know, for those people that just decided to start watching now. Or ones with memory issues…
Once that is over, we pick up with Kissyermama returning to camp after the booting of Hayden. Ceira is disappointed that things didn’t go according to plan, but she’s holding out hope that her challenge beast mama will kick ass in the next truel and rejoin her in the game. They’re gonna kick some ass when that happens. No matter what the numbers say.
Tyson tells us he knows that going to the end with Monica and Gervase is his best shot at winning. He’ll even use the hidden immunity idol to keep Monica loyal to him if he has to.
He tells her she can have it since he’s not planning on using it; have it as a souvenir for her kids or whatever. Monica refuses to take it, telling Tyson it’s his; he found it. He’s really worried that whoever comes back from Pissed Off Island will woo Monica over to their side.
For her part, Monica tells us that Monica is not Tyson and Gervase’s lap dog. She’s a big dog, yo! She’s open to staying with Tyson and Gervase OR switching sides.
Meanwhile, Hayden arrives at Pissed Off Island where Tina and Laura aren’t thrilled to see him since they were hoping to see Tyson, Gervase, or Monica. Hayden tells is this is the second time he’s played a game like this and the first time he’s been voted out and he no likey.
Laura gets some good news though as Hayden tells her that Ceira pulled out an immunity win. Woo hoo! The three of them all talk about how one of them is gonna get to go back into the game and they all hope they make it into the final three. Hayden hopes it will be him and he thinks his chances are good given that he’s playing against two grandmas.
Speaking of getting back into the game…it’s time for the final truel!
Once everyone is in and settled, Jeff gets to explaining how this last truel will work. They are each going to have one foot at the end of a balancing board (or see saw). At the other end of the see saw is a vase. When the vase falls they are out. Simple enough, right?
Almost immediately, Laura is in trouble. She’s having trouble keeping balanced and her vase is wobbling around. But somehow she manages to keep it from falling. Naturally Jeff can’t help but talk about how much it would suck for her to lose now after dominating so much in all the other truels. I think she’d love to flip him off but knows she needs to focus.
As Jeff comments about how hot it is, Hayden wipes some sweat from his eyes. Laura is in trouble once again, hopping around trying once again to keep her vase from falling….and she does it.
WOW. I’m impressed. As Hayden wipes at his eyes once more he slips and just like that…he is out and joining the jury.
Once that happens Laura begs Tina to let her have the win.
I mentioned it in the minicap, but I am floored that Laura would ask Tina to throw away her game for her. I mean I get that Laura helped her against Vytas, but that wasn’t for the last shot to get back into the game. Did Laura really think Tina would just step down and let her have it???
At thirty minutes in Tina is starting to have trouble, but like Laura before her, she is able to save it. Laura then begins moving again, and this time she just can’t recover. Her vase falls, and Tina is going back into the game!
Before Hayden leaves, Jeff asks him what his takeaway is from his time on Survivor. It’s appreciating the people he has at home. Even if one of those people is a girlfriend who couldn’t even make it to the jury. He’s excited to get back home and tell everyone he loves them.
Jeff than asks Laura how she’s leaving this game…as a success, or a failure? She says she’s always told her kids to finish strong, but she doesn’t feel like she did because she didn’t win. PSA Jeff wonders if she shouldn’t perhaps focus on how she’s played the game rather than just the winning part. Isn’t it all in the journey?
Ceira tells her mom that she is so proud of her and has learned so much from her. She has taught her how to a better woman, a better friend, and a better mom. Laura says how can she say she hasn’t won after hearing her kid say that? And on that note, Jeff sends her on her way and I have to get a fucking tissue.
What? I’m a mom. We get sappy over shit like this.
So Tina is heading back into the game and because she won the truel she gets to decide who the totally useless hidden immunity idol clue will go to. So she keeps it for herself.
Damn. She’s not going to be able to read the thing…..oh. wait. It doesn’t matter.
Ceira is totally bummed that her mom’s not coming back. Yeah, it sucks to know that there’s no one there you can try to guilt into leaving before you, huh?
Tina is thrilled to be back in the game, but she knows it’s going to be tough getting the alliance of three to crack. She knows that she has to find the idol or talk Monica into joining a mom alliance. Or both. She decides to share the hidden immunity clue with Ceira and they go off to try and
ruffle Russell rustle it up.
Ceira’s impressed with Tina’s tree climbing abilities, saying Tina’s acting more like the twenty year old, hopping around in a tree, and she’s more like the fifty year old calling out to be careful and stuff.
Of course they don’t find the idol because there’s not one there to be found. Too bad the clue didn’t tell them to look in Tyson’s crotch!
Having failed at securing the idol, they’re now on to Plan B. Secure Monica’s vote. Tina’s sure to be good at this being a southern lady and all, plus having played before; she knows how important it is to finesse people.
Ceira can’t believe that Tina is being such a jackass to Monica; she knows that is not the way to get her to go with them. So Ceira tries to take a gentler approach. She strokes Monica’s ego, talking about her three challenge wins, her amazing social game, and if she makes a big move now, well, that would be the final thing she needs to make her win a slam dunk.
According to Monica, this conversation with Tina and Ceira goes on for an hour. Yikes! At this point she doesn’t know WHICH way she is going to go, but she knows one thing: this game is brutal!
Time for the immunity challenge.
For this one, everyone will have an unbalanced table that they will use a rope to level out. Then they will race out to collect wooden blocks one at time, bringing them back and placing them in the assigned spot on the table. If their table wobbles and the blocks fall down, they will have to reset them. First person to place all ten of their blocks wins immunity.
Survivors ready? Go!
Right off the bat, Gervase and Tyson knock their blocks over and have to reset before bringing back a second block. Ceira, Monica, and Tina all get their second blocks with no knock overs. As the challenge goes on, Tyson is able to catch up with the ladies, but Gervase stays one block behind everyone else.
On her way to her fifth block, Monica moves her table too much and her blocks fall, so she has to reset them. The same thing happens to Tina and Ceira, so now Tyson is in the lead. Monica and Ceira recover, but Tina keeps knocking her blocks over again and again and again.
As Tyson gets and places his eighth block, Gervase and Monica are one block behind him.
Both Monica and Gervase knock over their blocks and with Ceira doing the same….
Anyone else wonder why Tyson is apparently unable to grow pit hair? Anyone? Bueller?
Tyson is thrilled with his win, and kneels before Jeff as if he’s getting knighted. He tells us he never really imagined being in this position on day 37, but he’s not celebrating because he’s not done. Wait. You mean someone’s not gloating about how they have this in the bag? Whaaaaaaaaat? Inconceivable.
He may not be celebrating, but Tyson knows that he can relax a little bit. The main thing now is to figure out who to get rid of. Tyson, Gervase, and Monica gather for a little pow wow and talk about who makes the most sense to vote out. Gervase thinks its Ceira because she is more dangerous in the game, more willing to make those big moves. But Monica thinks that Tina should go because she doesn’t have any enemies on the jury. Tyson sees both sides so he decides to sit this one out and let them decide.
Gervase doesn’t trust Ceira. She’s a big fat skinny liarpants. Well, Tina was bullying Monica. Gervase thinks she’s being too emotional about it. Neither one wants to budge on this.
So now Monica thinks Gervase is trying to bully her and Monica is sick of everyone bullying Monica. It hurts Monica. And Monica is done.
Later, Tina, Ceira, and Monica hang out at camp while Gervase and Tyson are on the beach. Monica lets it slip that she might be willing to throw her lot in with them and vote out Gervase. Tina worries that Tyson will give Gervase his idol, but Monica says there’s no way he’ll use it because he won’t expect Gervase to be in trouble.
Obviously Tina would love for this to happen because Monica would basically be handing the game over to her or Ceira. Despite what Monica believes her chances of winning are. But hey, keep deluding yourself Botox Betty!
Time to go to tribal.
Jeff first confirms that it’s Tina and Ceira against everyone else and then Monica talks about how they’ve asked her to join up with them to take out the villains. Life’s full of tough choices, in’nt it?
The subject comes up once again about Monica being Tyson’s lapdog and he says he never ever ever has called her his lapdog. He has only referred to her as someone he can count on. Gervase doesn’t know how he’s getting labeled a villain when all he’s doing is playing the game. The same way other people have played the game. Hey, it’s not his fault that they’re big ole losers! Well, except for the voting them out part that is.
Ceira is still playing the woman to woman card, telling Monica that the guys are shitheels and using her and talking about her behind her back. She needs to make a big move and that move is to keep Ceira and Tina dammit!!
Monica tells Jeff that the last 24 hours have been extremely difficult. These arguments are ones that are continually breaking down Monica. She’s come away feeling like she just wants to die inside. The game is definitely getting to her but she’s gonna play the game the way that is best for her. This is her minute and her time.
And with that, it’s time to vote. We don’t see who Monica is voting for, but we hear here say she’s enjoyed playing the game with this person. Honestly, she’s so all over the place I have no idea who she’s going to vote for. I think she is just crazy enough to vote out Gervase at this point.
Jeff goes to get the votes and, as always, says if anyone has a hidden immunity idol now is the time for them to play it. There’s a commercial break and then Tyson hands Gervase his crotch idol.
So…any votes cast for Gervase won’t count.
For once we actually see all the votes, so I have to point out that Monica actually did vote for Ceira even after all that noise she made. But I don’t blame Tyson for giving that idol to Gervase; like I said, I was thinking she just might have voted him out as well.
But Monica is not happy that Tyson did that because it shows that maybe the guys don’t trust her as much as they’ve been saying they do.
Time for the final immunity challenge of the season. Everyone wants to win it because that’s the only way they can be certain of a spot in the finals.
This one is s complicated doozy of a challenge. They’ll each race through a series of obstacles, collecting bags of puzzle pieces as they go. After each two bags they get, they’ll race up the stairs and drop them off at their puzzles stations, then go down the water slide and on to the next set of obstacles. Once they have all the bags, they’ll use the puzzle pieces to complete (you guessed it) a puzzle that will provide clues to what their combination is to raise their flag. Get it? Got it? GO!
Everyone heads out to different obstacles to start getting their bags. Monica is the first one to get two of her bags and starts up the stairs. But Gervase is right behind her, and calls out to her that he’s coming up on her left.
Monica blocks him out, not letting him get by. Jeff naturally LURVES this. They both manage to make it up to the top and drop off their bags and head back out for more. Tyson is in third place and Tina is bringing up the rear. But some of the obstacles are easier to navigate than others and with the second round Tyson is able to overtake Gervase’s second place spot, although Monica does manage to hold on to the lead.
Tina gets further and further behind and Jeff does not fail to remind her of that every thirty seconds or so. Tyson ends up being the first to get his final set of bags, but Monica and Gervase are not too far behind. They all start working on the puzzle, trying to finish and get the clues to the combination.
Tina finally gets all her bags and also starts in on the puzzle, quickly making progress and starting to catch up at least a little bit. But she isn’t fast enough as Tyson finishes his puzzle and reads it to get the clues to his lock. He runs down and then up the stairs, counting the steps as he goes and then tries a combination.
He high fives his buddy Gervase, hugs Monica, and then turns his back on Tina to go and hug Gervase.
Next best thing to having Rachel there!
They return to camp and Tina and Monica congratulate Tyson on his win. He’s happy that he’s gonna make it all the way through since he hasn’t managed to do that before. He calls it the best day of his life. I’m sure Rachel will be happy to hear it.
Gervase was bummed not to win, but he tells us he was even more bummed that Monica checked him in the challenge. He thought they were working together to make sure Tina didn’t win! They think it should be a simple vote tonight; three votes for Tina and then on to the final tribal.
But what would this season be without more bluster from Monica? She’s pissed that Tyson used his idol to save Gervase and thinks maybe the time has come for Gervase to have his name written down. She is such a fucking idiot.
Then stop acting like one!
Tina is all for Monica tying it up between her and Gervase and thinks she could beat his ass at making fire. But Monica does wonder if she would want to sit next to Tina in the end. Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! I know! The answer to that is HELL NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
Off we go to tribal.
Jeff reminds everyone that the people that make it past tonight will make it to the end. He wonders if Tina felt pressure that she had to win based on the way everything shook out at the last tribal.
Jeff goes to Monica and says she’s been talking a lot of talk about how she’s playing her game now; he thinks he saw that when she checked Gervase during the immunity challenge. She says Gervase has admitted to talking smack and forty three year old scrappy Monica is going to hip bump ya back.
Jeff wonders if that moved surprised Gervase because he would have thought it was more about making sure Tina didn’t win at that point.
Monica is proud to have been a crucial vote these last three tribals. In fact, this time around Tina even came to her and suggested that they vote for Gervase and force a fire making challenge to break the tie.
They all vote and yes….
So Tyson, Gervase, and Monica are our final three. All we’ve got left is the final three breakfast, talk from each about how they’re totally gonna bring it, and the walk of fallen tribemates before we can get to the final tribal council.
Sure enough, breakfast arrives, and as they cook up some breakfast Tyson tells us he’s amazed to have made it this far and now just has to focus on winning the million. Monica tells us that it’s just amazing and Monica did it without Brad and without Monica’s safety net and with anybody else but Monica. Gervase tells us he came back to a game after thirteen years that’s totally different and ended up in the finals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s just get to the stupid walkabout so we can get to the final tribal!!
But wait. What? Is this for real? There IS no fallen tribemate walkabout!!!!!! YAY! Instead we are heading right over to the final tribal. I can’t wait to see who is bitter and just how much they make themselves look like an ass. Hee!
Before we get to the jury questions, we have to start with opening remarks. Gervase? You’re up first.
Monica knows you all think Monica was drug along like a little puppy dog on a leash by these guys to get to the end but that’s not true. Monica had three choices in the last three tribals to go with you all and Monica never choosed that path because Monica wanted to sit in the end with these guys. Woof.
Now it’s time for Tyson.
I came in knowing I’d be targeted from the start, so I decided to just have fun with it. Until Rachel got voted out because I was a threat. Then I vowed to do everyone in my power to win it all. There was no malice in my game, merely butt kicking of your asses. SnifflesnifflesniffleIloveRachelsnifflesnifflesniffle
He also reminds them that he found both idols and won the immunity challenges when he needed to. Boosh.
Jeff gives the jury time to firm up what they want to ask the final three, and then it’s time for them to address Tyson, Gervase, and Monica. Vytas is up first.
He then tells Gervase that old school doesn’t work for Survivor and in his opinion; Tyson carried him through the game. And then there’s Monica who he thought was a friend and she didn’t honor their friendship and blah blah blah. He’s going to listen to their answers tonight and then decide which of them (minus Tyson because a promise is a promise) to vote for. Shut up Vytas.
Katie’s next and she only has a question for Tyson.
Caleb is next and he wants to know what Gervase thinks his best move in the game was. Gervase says it was getting Aras out. He goes on, saying that Tyson looked like he was making all the big moves in the game, but he was totally behind a lot of those big moves.
Caleb then tells Monica he wishes she would be vulnerable. Monica thinks that vulnerable means blubbering and launches into an uncomfortable crying festival about how hard the game as been for her and how hard she’s worked to make it to the end and to make a name for Monica because Monica has a name and Monica is a person as well as a wife and mother.
It’s Ceira’s turn and she wants to know if Tyson sees himself as a hero or a villain. He tells her that everything he did was pure strategy and therefore not villainous at all. So does that mean he sees himself as a hero?
She asks Gervase if he was ever going to vote out Tyson. Hell yes he was but he needed to do it at the right time. He was thinking final four spot and then that didn’t work because of immunity and all and so….there you go. Old school!
Laura’s up and she starts out by telling Monica that she doesn’t know who she is.
She doesn’t know what else she can say! She’s Monica!! MON-I-CA!!!!
For her turn Tina asks them to give her one word and one word only that best describes the core of who they are. Monica: Generous. Gervase: Honorable. Because that’s what Gervase means; it means honorable and I am a person that your word is your bond and I know Caleb probably doesn’t think that but outside of this game, yes, I think I’m a very honorable person.
Tyson? It’s fun-loving. Wait? Is that one word, he wonders. Tina will take it. Okay, fun-loving.
Hayden gets to go next and he asks Tyson if he had the idol when he drew rocks. Yep. Where was it????? Tyson tells him he found it in a bird’s nest up in the tree; “One step ahead of you again.”
Jeff loves that response, and so do I.
Hayden then goes to Monica and tells her the jury thinks she’s fake. So she cries some more and laments at their misunderstanding of her. Haven’t they ever met a nice person? Haven’t they ever met a person that isn’t selfish? Monica is tired of them all beating up on Monica. It’s so unfair to Monica.
Aras is wrapping up the jury questions and says that he wants each of them to exclude themselves from his vote. Who of the remaining two do they think should win and why. Both Gervase and Monica pick Tyson, talking about how on top of everything he was and what great plays he made, like searching for the hidden immunity idol when he knew he had it. Tyson picks Monica because of her loyalty to him and Gervase, but also because she was a good little actress, pretending to be at the bottom and getting information that they wouldn’t have had otherwise.
And with that, it’s time for the jury to vote on their winner. We see Caleb vote for Tyson, telling him to buy Rachel a house, marry her, and make a lot of babies. We also see Vytas keep his word and not vote for Tyson. Instead he votes for Monica, telling her she’s a little bit annoying but a real strong woman. Yeah, and you’re a jackass jerkoff. We don’t see any of the other votes.
Jeff gets the votes, gives them all a “see ya suckers” and heads out, telling them he’ll see them back in the States for the results.
Jeff rejoins everyone in L.A. and after a brief recap/update; he’s ready to read the votes.
I’m not surprised, were you, Trashii Talkers? He may not be the best player in the history of the game, but Tyson’s win was a satisfying one for me because he actually DID play the game and play it pretty well with these people. Would he have won if other people had been out there? Maybe not. But he played a good game against this group of people. Plus, if Monica or Gervase had won I think I would have puked.
On to the reunion!!
This time around everyone is there. It helps that they didn’t have to worry about certain Hantzypants going crazypants, I guess. I have to admit, I am immediately disappointed to see Colon there because he is a quitting quitter who quit and (in my opinion) should have been left off the reunion roster.
Instead of sitting in the order of their vote off, the castaways are sitting with their loved ones. In the order of the vote out of the people that made it the farthest. Does that even make sense? You know what I mean!
Oh, and in case you were wondering….CockRing is in the audience as well. Jeff tells us CockRing’s life has taken an exciting turn and he’s here to tell us all about losing his virginity.
Now it’s over to Tyson. We see a montage of Tyson’s greatest moments before Jeff asks what was different about playing this time versus his other two.
He says he had actually just went out there to have fun and to let Rachel have the experience, but when she sacrificed herself and wouldn’t let him tag in for her, he told himself he’d already had the experience of getting voted out twice so he thought it might be nice to see what winning felt like.
That kept him focused when he might have had a brain fart or relax. He thinks it helped him keep that focus because he is not a focused individual. Rachel says she always knew he had it in him to make it to the end. Jeff likes this new focused Tyson.
Jeff goes to Monica next. We see her highlight reel which includes her gagging down gross food and talking about PepperPot. Jeff points out that Monica and PepperPot are polarizing and then lists the variations of love and hate the fans have expressed.
No matter if people like her or not, he points out that as the season progressed she earned more and more respect. He wants to know why it was so important to her that she show her kids there’s more than one badass in their home.
She talks on and on and on and on and I don’t really give a shit about anything that is coming out of her mouth. I care even less when PepperPot jumps in and starts talking as well. YAWN. Jeff even goes out to the audience to talk about Monica which is really just an excuse for PepperPot and Monica to talk some more and me to notice (for the first time) his Dumbo ears.
Jeff tries to move on and PepperPot keeps talking. UGH. Shut the fuck up.
He talks to Gervase, asking why he didn’t take a more visible leadership role.
He also talks again about how he had planned to get rid of Tyson, but then the moment really came and went and he lost that chance.
Jeff goes to Ceira next, talking about how two of the biggest moves of the season were made by her but neglecting to mention that it was too little, too late. He said he was super surprised by that because at the beginning of the game he thought she was a worthless piece of crap. Or, you know….a GIIIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLL.
He wants to talk about the drawing of the rocks. Did it really happen at tribal the way it felt to him? Yep. She says it was crazy. She slowly realized that she was fourth and then decided that she wasn’t playing for fourth; she was gonna go for it and try to make a big move and see what happens.
Damn. He needs to calm down before he jizzes all over himself.
Jeff gives props to Hayden for his hand in all of that at the tribal council, making Ceira realize just where she stood in her alliance and causing her to make the move she did. He says he knew he was going home so he swung for the fences and somehow that worked.
Jeff talks to Laura about getting voted out by her kid and wonders if they’re closer now that they’ve played the game together. They say they can’t really be closer, but it added another element to their game, gave them more respect for each other.
UGH. We’re going into Colon territory now. Really? Do we have to? Can’t we pretend that he’s not there?
He has the nerve to call his tribe the AARP tribe and Jeff calls him out on that one, saying that the AARP tribe kicked his ass. Big ups from the audience on that one. I’m not wasting any more time on this asshole.
Why do people like this guy? He’s so fucking annoying and full of himself and his voice makes me want to rip my ears off my head. SHUT UP!
Okay…..we’ll move onto CockRing.
But first…..a teaser for next season…….I was gonna make a gif of it and then decided that was too much of a pain in the ass for what amounts to three B’s with some muddy people and puzzle pieces thrown in between. Any guesses? Bugs, Boners, and Bitches! Bukkake Brothers are Back! Bootilicious Bromances and Blow Jobs? I know! Beavers, Boners, and BiSexuals!
I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
And now we’re moving on to CockRing. He may be a goofball, but at least he doesn’t make me want to kill someone. So his big news is not that he got laid (poor little fella….someone will pop that cherry one day) but that he got his dream job of being a writer. On a CBS sitcom.
There’s a skit involved that wishes it was funny, but it isn’t.
Moving on…..The Bukkake Brothers started to get along better but now aren’t speaking to each other again.
Aras attempts to make some lame joke about buying more Twitter followers than Vytas and it’s about as funny as you’d think Aras telling a joke would be. Hayden jumps in to tell people to follow him and Kat on Twitter and Jeff wonders why he hasn’t broken up with her given that she was so lame she didn’t even make the jury!
Jeff also checks in with Candice and CryBaby John but no one cares because he’s wearing a shirt and she isn’t flipping off PepperPot.
And then……well……there’s no way to be snarky about this segment. Jeff talks to Tina and Katie about the recent loss of Tina’s son/Katie’s brother. Tina uses this opportunity to plead with everyone watching to wear their seatbelts because her son would probably have lived if he had worn his. She says it was an honor and a joy to play with these people and it’s comforting to be here with these people.
Katie adds that this is sort of a light at the end of a really dark tunnel. People have been really gracious and she really appreciates the outpouring of love that they’ve received from everyone. She also adds that any donations that people might want to send, they’d like for them to donate to Red Cross and donate to the Philippines disaster relief fund.
After a short break Jeff returns to give Tyson his check and tells us about what the BBB for next season means……Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty. Eh. The Brains and Beauty I’m okay with, but adding the brawn in there adds the whole sausage alliance thing in as an entire tribe and you just KNOW Jeff is going to have a hard on for them.
And there you have it, Trashii Talkers….the end of the season and the end of my recap. Well, almost the end. Before I go I want to say thank you so much for reading and commenting all season. I know that sometimes my recaps are not done as quickly as you might want them to be, but I do hope they have always been worth the wait. You guys are the reason we do this, and I appreciate more than I can say that you take time out of your day to read my long winded rants about this show.
Happy Holidays…..Happy New Year…..and I’ll see you in February with Bushes, Bitching, and Bibles!
Ho Ho SWAK, PottyMouth