Hi, Trashies. As I’m sure you all know, this site is shutting down. It’s been a wild ride the last six years, and I will truly miss you all. That being said, I will still be live tweeting this show on Monday nights. My Twitter handle is @PopePhilly, so I invite you all to join me. Also, I’m toying with the idea of still recapping this show on my own. If I figure that out (I’m not all that interwebs savvy), I’ll be sure to Tweet out where you can find me. So, I’ll keep the sappy part short because, well, that’s not why we come here. As my thank you to all of you…LET’S MAKE FUN OF THE LATEST CAST!
Ladies and gentleman, your Bachelor!
Occupation: Dog Rescuer
Dammit! Why are we starting off with someone I’d totally be friends with? She owns a doc rescue organization and one of her favorite movies is The Mighty Ducks. I hope Colton doesn’t pick her. She’s too good for him.
So, in short, Alex D. is unemployed and lazy. Oh, wait, she has an actual job. She’s an account manager for an IT staffing agency. OK, I guess sloth is way more interesting than her real job.
Occupation: Marketing Salesperson
Literally nothing about this woman is interesting. I can’t even make fun of her. She’s that boring.
Occupation: Financial Associate
How is hating mosquitos a “fun fact”? Everyone hates mosquitos.
All I can see when I look at her is OG Lauren B. Anyway, she tells us that, despite being a model, she’s more than a pretty face. She also has great outfits and loves it when her dates notices them!
Occupation: Miss North Carolina 2018
That’s not an occupation, Caelynn. Oh, but she’s not your typical beauty queen because she once flew to Japan for a first date. That…doesn’t really make sense, Caelynn. How does that not make you a typical beauty queen?
She likes to sing in the shower. What the fuck kind of form did these ladies have to fill out? Did no one have anything interesting to say?
Occupation: Speech Pathologist
According to her bio, she’s currently completing her degree in speech pathology. So, she’s not actually a speech pathologist. Why are you lying Cassie? Also, did this show just put out an open casting call for 23-year-olds?
Her DJ name is DJ Agro. For actual money, she’s a realtor. She looks way older than 26.
She looks like someone, but I can’t quite place her. Also, her bio includes a comment about now being close to marriage. Why would she have been? She’s 23. She graduated from high school all of five years ago. No one expects her to be married at this point.
Occupation: Interior Designer
Seriously, why is everyone 23? How many is this now? I feel like she was cast for Colton simply because she’s the blond version of Raven and Not Raven.
Age: 23 (shocker!)
Occupation: Broadcast Journalist
She really reminds me of Taylor. Not only do they look similar, but this is another girl bragging about having a master’s degree at 23.
Occupation: Makeup Artist
HOLY SHIT!!! We have a woman in her 30s!! I like her just for this.
Erika brags about being able to eat whatever she wants while never gaining weight. I have to roll my eyes at that one. No, Erika, you do not break the laws of thermodynamics. You just don’t eat as much as you think you do.
Age: 23 (Here we go again)
Occupation: Miss Alabama 2018
That’s not actually her occupation. She’s an interior designer. Honestly, that’s way more impressive than being a beauty queen.
Occupation: Content Creator
Isn’t “content creator” just a fancy term for “I shill laxative tea on Instagram”?
Occupation: Never Been Kissed
Ugh. She’s going to bring up Colton’s virginity a lot, isn’t she?Also, she named her cat “Kitty.” Heather is not very clever, is she?
Occupation: Social Worker
Another super boring woman. She loves spending time with her dog and her mom. Good for her.
Occupation: Medical Sales Representitive
Another super basic woman. She loves yoga and sushi. Way to stand out there, Katie.
Occupation: Dental Hygenist
Who the hell did Kirpa piss off that they chose this photo for her?
We have no Laurens this year (we used them all up last season), but we do have a Laura! She had an emo phase in high school? She was in high school in less than ten years ago. Was emo still a thing then?
Occupation: Social Media Coordinator
Her face is ridiculously symmetrical. I’m guessing that she’s also another wannabe “influencer” with that job title.
Occupation: Sales Account Manager
She moved her from Croatia when she was a child. That’s the only interesting thing about Nina.
Occupation: IT Risk Consultant
Her go-to pickup line is “you look so familiar.” Onyeka needs to get better at pickup lines.
Wait, is she a nurse or an esthetician? Why didn’t they just call her a “nurse esthetician”? That’s actually a job.
Occupation: NBA Dancer
Sydney has never had a boyfriend. I’m sure she’ll talk a lot about Colton’s virginity.
Occupation: Business Development Associate
Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” Lucky for Tahzjuan, dating Colton is a terrible idea.
I like Tayshia simply because I love the word Phlebotomist. Also, she enjoys wine tasting. Can I be friends with Tayshia?
Occupation: Wardrobe Stylist
The most interesting thing about Tracy is that she kind of looks like Laura Prepon.
So, that’s it Trashies. Sound off in the comments below. I hope you can join me in snarking on Twitter. It’s been a blast!
Until next time.