This recap is also available as an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Erika showed off all the things her husband Don Rickles bought her for her birthday. Among them, ass implants.
Lots and lots of ass implants. A whole, gyrating fleshbot army of ass implants. Yes, he also got her a Chagall and a brochure with a diamond panther ring on it, but they couldn’t match the spirit of the evening quite like the truckload of ass implants. The same model was put into drag queens, transitioning queens, and regular old man faced women, and they all bumped to the same terrible music sung by Siri.
Siri: I’m a Painkllr betch yass everythang.
Also, we met Dorit and her 900 terrible accents, and Kyle blamed the splintered friendships of this show on Yolanda’s disease: AssholeLyme.
We open with Kyle and Lisa Rinna in Mauricio’s new “Sorry About Your Tiny Flaccid Aging Penis Car”. That title is too long to fit onto the actual car, so it was renamed the Lamborghini.
They’re still in the driveway, but Rinna looks terrified. It’s always the ones obsessed with yoga who could break at any moment. You’ve got safety rated airbags in your face and a closet full of Melrose Place era wigs, woman. You could get hit by a train and come out looking like you did a decade ago.
Kyle laughs about going to Five Guys Burgers after Erika’s party because her “I don’t have a budget” ass didn’t feed anyone. All Five of the Guys laughed in Kyle’s ear when she called a huge order in ahead of time. Poor people do everything in the moment, God Bless them. I suspect that whoever answered the phone just wanted to make Kyle come in to see if she was really getting that many burgers for her “friends” or if she was just trying to pull the ole “I’m ordering ten value meals to eat in my car alone while I cry to Heart songs routine. Been there.
Rinna tells Kyle that last night was the first time she’d seen Vanderpump since last season’s reunion even though they live in “the three mile zone.” Kyle nods and licks her lips. Rinna doesn’t have the heart to tell her that the three mile zone isn’t the triangle on a map made by connecting the locations of each Dominos Pizza at the edges of Beverly Hills.
They laugh about Rinna’s phone autocorrecting Dorit’s name to Doritos when she entered it into her address book. Kyle hears Doritos, pulls into a 7-11 and turns on Heart before kicking Rinna out so she can cry/binge alone.
Rinna looks into the diary room camera and puts a Dorito in her mouth to prove to us that she eats. They cut away before she can chew and/or spit that shit up on a production assistant. Not buying it. And not pressuring her, either. Not eating isn’t a disease in Los Angeles. It’s a lifestyle choice. Roar, woman!
Vanderpump is riding a handsome white horse accented in blue to match her scarf. She’s also wearing, gasp, PANTS. I don’t even know you right now.
The horse’s name is His Royal Heighness Prince Tardon. Jesus. That name is more obnoxious than Dorit’s entire family put together.
Like a staff meeting at SUR.
Lisa tells us that she’s had a love of horses ever since Ken brought one into her birthday party years ago and it dropped a hundred twenty pounds of shit on the dining room floor. The poor dahling couldn’t speak the word “Sorry”, but it implied it with its sad eyes. And a pattern was born. You can’t be hurt by a lack of apologies from beings that can’t talk.
Lisa prefers animals to people, mostly because animals don’t say “Mind your fucking business, ya old twat” whenever she sticks her nose into their business, and it’s not unlawful to put them down when their eyes refuse to apologize.
She got this horse (we’ll call him Tard for short) at a show called Cavalia, which she describes as a Cirque du Soleil for horses. I’m trying to imagine Tard back bending until you can see his throat through his cornhole. Not working for me. Even though I’ve never seen the show, I’m really furious at Cavalia right about now.
Point is, Tard was about to be turned into really expensive glue, so Lisa adopted him and gave him Rocio’s room. Had he been healthy and happy, she would have left him at the theater. This woman is obsessed with broken animals. Speaking of, let’s check out Ken’s 80’s paint splatter straw fedora.
Look at you. Riding a horse, dahling. Well done. Most beautiful woman in the world, I always say.
As Lisa rides Tard, she makes semi obscene comments to him. “Put that winky away, you naughty man!” “Finally! I’m riding a white haired stallion put out to pasture that knows where my secret spot is!” “Hungry? Me too! Let’s have a roll in the HAY! GET IT DAHLING?!” Yes, Lisa. We get it. Is there a social services number for horses? Someone please call it.
Her flesh roomba husband stands idle, watching her and trembling slightly. Time to change Ken’s lint trap! Lisa moans on about how HURT she was, dahling, by all those mean nasty women who tried to stone her to death last year. Sorry, that was tasteless considering that scene happened in the United Arab Emirates. No offense, women who’ve been stoned to death for manipulating things.
She does an impersonation of Rinna trying to pretend nothing happened, and it sounds like Erika Jayne singing do-re-mi with her Bruce Villanch growl/squeal. “I have a heyaaaart, Lisa!”
“I haven’t seen your heart, lately, Rinna,” she answers herself in her movie of the week version of the moment. Ken, empowered by his youthful paint splattered straw fedora, tries to keep the convo from going too negative. “I quite enjoyed the pahteh.” Mostly because he had fun tossing popcorn into his friend’s gaping mouth as Mauricio tried not to drool over the transgender hookers dancing on boxes.
Lisa continues her victim diatribe, telling Ken that Rinna accused her of trying to turn the new girl against her. “I could have, but I didn’t.” Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure Dorit has enough backstabbery and assholishness to go around. She will betray anyone and everyone as long as she gets to be on TV trying to convince people she has more than five actual dollars to her name.
I love Lisa Vanderpump. I also love Mario of Mario Brothers. It’s fun to watch them win, but it’s also fun to watch them get pounced by snake skinned monsters or thrown off cliffs. They always come back to life in the same outfits they died in, and the music is always so damned chipper. Point is, Vanderpump’ s positive vibes won’t stop Dorit from throwing her into a pit of fire once or twice.
Nothing comforts Vanderpump more than a grudge, so she won’t be shedding that any time soon. Especially now that she has Dorit on her side. “She won’t turn on me. We’ve known each other for YEAHAS.” Aw. Remember when she said that about Rinna?
The Circle of After Everything Ken and I Have Done For You
Back in the Tiny Old Flaccid Penismobile, Rinna is telling Kyle that last year was a cluster fuck because “It’s like, everyone got onto one thing and couldn’t get off of it.” I would note here all the times Rinna said “Munchausens” and “YOU MANIPULATED ME BABY!” last season, but I’ve already spent hundreds of pages doing it. Instead, I’ll just say LOL, Rinna.
Rinna learned from Eileen’s mom’s death and her own dad’s passing that life is too short to yell “MUNCHAULIPULATIONHUSTLE” on a loop all day, so she’s not gonna hold onto any anger for all that nothing that was done to her. Good for you, weirdo.
Kyle tells us that if Vanderpump forgives Rinna, then she has to forgive Eileen too because Eileen is the one who made Rinna turn in the first place. That’s like saying if you eat honey you have to eat bees, but I learned long ago not to try and make sense of the thinking on this show. If Kyle looked at things realistically, she’d be wearing a size six and signing up for community college to learn to make an actual difference in the world. I like my housewives delusional and spilling over the top of their dresses like toothpaste trying to get back into the tube.
Over at the Tower of Babel, Dorit is ooohing and ahhing at the sheets of flat bread her parents brought all the way from that mysterious glamorous land called Connecticut. “I love that you bring me so many things I can’t get here!” If you wanna see this woman’s head explode, take her into an Albertson’s.
Her birthday party is coming up, and PK is planning a big surprise. Dorit says in 8 accents that his big shocker better not be a Tiffany blue Mazerati or she won’t even be able to fake a smile. THE HORROR. Tiffany blue should only be the color of containers with beautiful things inside, she explains, not getting that she would be the diamond in the blue box. I added poetry to your relationship. You’re welcome.
She’s obsessed with perfection, you guys. She might one day meet a doctor who can translate that obsession onto her Howard the Duck face. Until then, she’ll keep opening her eyes really widely to seem intelligent, pronouncing everything incorrectly and spending money she earned by mining PK’s mangina folds.
Time for the big surprise! No, it’s not PK’s ten million dollar bankruptcy. That happened in 2012. All that debt was wiped away so that he could go into fresh debt! AMERKA! The gift is a giant ass Rolls. PK says in his community theater chimney sweeper voice that the “tinted rose gold” speaks to her personality. Maybe the tinted part.
The car does say a lot about the cubic zirconia bimbo behind the wheel, though. It’s a gaudy, space stealing, over priced lease.
Have this removed.
Now for Kyle’s yearly “I EXERCISE DAMMIT” scene of the season. Alexia is visiting from her Boston college, because Arizona wasn’t “the right fit” for her. Basically the college in Arizona was one of Kyle’s bras. Kyle is very proud of this class she’s brought everyone to. This is no spin class, ok? This is CURRENT exercise. It’s so in. So now. So NEW.
Um…it’s an As Seen on TV rowing machine class. Next season, Kyle takes cast members in ankle weights to speed walk around the mall.
The rowing machine instructor is a hot guy with a headset mic, but he’s not disco dancing with his bangs and hissing inspirational Instagram memes like last years workout queen, so I’m totally let down.
Thankfully, his lame ass scene is followed by…
YASS BETCH EVERYTHANG HONAY CIRCLE SNAPS HATED IT! Mikey, Erika’s gayployee, yells at stable of hos he’s auditioning for EJ’s new video “Expnzv”. You’d think a woman with that much money could buy the occasional vowel. Mikey is a hilarious stereotype, and I’m glad EJ got a second season, if only to watch this queen put on more and more makeup.
Cuz i’m worth it, BETCH.
This audition is basically one long Kegel exercise set to a Garage Band loop. As each girl finishes her routine, she looks dumbfounded at not having had a dollar bill shoved up her cornhole. Only Erika Jayne could get hos this practiced to dance for free.
When EJ enters, the dancers applaud and gush. LOL. All hail Vagdonna. She nods and does that prayer hand #blessed thanks thing as Mikey yells “From the top betches everythang yasssssssss” and the music thumps. I think this song is literally my dad’s iPhone ringer.
The moves are as classy as you’d think they’d be. Lots of vag flapping and pole grabbing. Real Housewives are the most agressively passive aggressive creatures on Earth, so it’s hard to not read into the choreography. The dancers do a middle finger fuck you and then drop into the splits. Erika Jayne is coming for Kyle this season. You heard it here first. Having a bunch of youngish rubber faces doing the splits and NOT getting stuck to the floor is a declaration of war.
EJ tells us that this is her tenth video. The aspirin industry thanks you. Oh wait. There was an Eileen scene before this one and I didn’t notice. You can blame marijuana. Or Eileen’s milquetoast personality and dry hair. I’ll leave it up to you.
Young and the Restless is celebrating their 11,000th episode, and Eileen is taping the “Remember When” special. Her first scene was in 1982. Her dad is telling her he doesn’t want her to ruin her “hip clothes” and she assures him that her outfit is not hip. Some things never change.
Rinna’s making zucchini spaghetti with her brats. The young thin blonde one is a model now, and the younger dark haired Udda One is jeal. Sound familiar? Don’t worry, Rinna isn’t Yolanda. Yolanda would never try to spiralize an eggplant.
Eggplant is for disgusting drung vimminz.
Not GiGi is all “UGH MOM YOU’RE EMBARRASSING” as they wait for their Not Noodles to cook. Rinna asks her to repeat the advice Cindy Crawford gave her for the cameras, so Not GiGi mutters “Get your facial moles lazered off before your first photo shoot or you’ll be stuck with them forever and they really fucking itch sometimes. Also, Richard Gere puts gerbils up his butt.”
This is totally inappropriate dinner conversation. I love having something in common with Rinna’s kid, though. I too, once got advice from Cindy Crawford at a party in Beverly Hills. She said “Excuse me, could you get me some water?” Cater waiters for the win!
PS bitch never got her water.
Dorit’s at her future foreclosure getting primped by a gayployee of her own. She orders him to not play with her hair too much. You know what happens when you play with it too much. YOU KNOW! Poor queen is like um…are you speaking Russian?
She tells him “I have this new twitch almost.” Hey! There’s only one Twitch on this show, and her name is Kim Twitchards. You’re more like the new Dana and her twenty five thousand dollar gas station glasses. “When I get heated, or nervous…my nose starts to run.”
That’s called a cocaine addiction. Switch to adderrall like the rest of the civilized nation of drug addicts, ya hack.
Her guests are brought up the hill in golf carts by Hummer. Fitting that they’re arriving at Dorit’s mansion in knock offs emblazoned with the very skill she earned said mansion with.
Lisa Vanderpump will not be driven by a golf cart, thank you very much. She gets out of her SUV and wobbles up the hill, the soft buzzing sound of Ken behind her. When she finally gets to the front door, she manipulates a poor person into giving her alcohol.
Now tell the cameras the advice Cindy Crawford gave you, dahling.
Vanderpump works the room. It’s basically full of old queens. We’re her people. They slowly snap and murmer “you go girl” to each other and no one at all while she charms them with jokes about never fucking her husband and dating her dogs. When she sees a football (soccer for you ignorant Americans) player, she oohs and ahhs over him. “I heard you won yesterday and you were instrumental in helping with the final goal, daaaahling!”
What does that mean? Did he make the goal or support the person who made it? I support Tom Hanks. That doesn’t mean I’ve scored multiple Oscars.
Dorit asks PK if she’s showing too much butt in her semi transparent too much butt dress. He laughs at her for being silly. That’s why you marry a fat guy. He will always be showing more butt than you. PS I’m single.
PK walks her down the stairs and welcomes her to her party. She stage whispers “Thahnk yaaaewwwwwwww” like the Queen of Pringle-and.
Dorit tries to hide her disappointment, which is hard cuz it’s holding her hand. She was hoping for something GRAND. No one’s in Tiffany blue, so there’s that.
Vanderpump approaches her toy and pokes and prods it. “Dahling you’re an inspiration to women who have turned forty. And have just had a baby five minutes ago. And can barely hide their varacose veins from popping out from under their too much butt dresses. And are stuck married to a man who looks like he’d be more comfortable being roasted over a fire at a frat boy luau pahty. And are secretly poor. Have I shown you pictures of my new horse? He showed me his winky dahling.”
Dorit insists that she’s never worn spanx in her entire life. It’s the most un-American thing she’s said yet. Vanderpump doesn’t believe that hogwash either. Dorit orders tacos with extra habanero sauce. Or says that it’s a body suit. This bitch needs subtitles.
Vanderpump, who would never ever try to posion Dorit against her own enemies, goes from “you’re thin” to “Erika Jayne was suddenly lovely and warm to me at her party in Uzbekistan or wherever God awful place we travelled to that night.” It’s Pasadena, Lisa.
Cut to Erika Jayne trying way too hard to be nice to Vanderpump, like she was calling out BINGO numbers in a room full of almost dead elderly people with no hope left.
Dorit squints and says that all the ladies seemed very warm towards Vanderpump. Lisa shakes her head, wondering if Dorit’s inability to speak affects her ability to understand the utter pain of others. She assures Dorit that “that Eileen Davidson” was very cold to her. VERY. COLD. Cut to Eileen flashing the camera crazy eyes when Vanderpump gave her the back of her conehead at Erka Jayne’s party.
Mysteries pop up on this show every now and then, and here’s mine for this season: why the hell is Rinna so terrified in cars?
This is great. Really. Super fun. Amazing. OWNING ITyou’re gonnafuckingkillmeyoumaniacslowdown
Kyle is here! We know because the waiters just lit the chaffers. Mauricio tries to mask his disappointment that there are no transgender hookers at this party. He leaves his mouth open anyway. It’s how he breathes.
Kyle prods Rinna into making another attempt to warm up Vanderpump. Rinna starts tap dancing and gushing in her Rinna way. “You’re amazing! Your hair literally stops traffic! You’re so thin! What moisturizer do you use? Do you eat it? You even look smooth on the inside! Yoga? Pilates! Sing for us, Lisa you’re an amazing singer! EVERYONE I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS GRAMMY TO LISA VANDERPUMP FOR BEING SMOOTH ON THE INSIDE AND THIN ON THE OUTSIDE!”
Vanderpump watches her flail her arms for awhile before asking a waiter to get the hook. Kyle tries to change the subject to Vanderpump’s drag queen sleeves, which are covered in glitter and bits of Rocio bone. Rinna can’t stop herself.
“Those sleeves! Holy cow Vanderpump you are the sleeve queen! I’ve never seen sleeves like that tell me now WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE SLEEVES?!?!” Kyle sniffs the air for hors d’oeuvres as Vanderpump watches Rinna, amused. “I’m not telling YOU any of my secrets any more.”
Ohh, slick meemaw burn, Lisa! Rinna laughs like she just discovered Mama’s Family. She prods Vanderpump to turn around and have her amazing body admired. Lisa pouts “I’m not doing anything YOU tell me to!”
Kyle is all “awkward” and Rinna just laughs harder and harder. “It was a compliment, Vanderpump! Take it! TAKE MY COMPLIMENT! YOU’RE THINMAAAAZING!” Dorit, worried that Rinna is having some sort of seizure, comes over to join them. Rinna tells her that they both live in the three mile zone, which makes Kyle instinctively whip out her phone to dial Dominos.
Vanderpump starts spouting off witticisms like “I know you are but what am I?” and “You are!” but they don’t make sense in context, because Rinna’s being really nice to her. Still, Rinna laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and then her eyes and ears start to bleed and she falls to the ground like a sack of beans.
Vanderpump straightens her cone wig and saunters off. Kyle tells her she’s having too much fun being a bitch, and Lisa says that she’s just started. “I gave them the power to hurt me and I’m taking it back!” Kyle’s like ok The Blind Side who do I gotta blow for a tray passer? Speaking of Kyle, she gets so much botox that she went crosseyed years ago. Now her right eye is literally staring at her nasal canal. It’s creeping me out, man.
No wonder Rinna’s afraid to be in the car with her.
Eileen is here, and I’m happy to report that she looks lovely. Vinny, however is in ripped Old Navy jeans. Eileen tells the girls that it’s because he refuses to kowtow to fashion, but we all know it’s because Old Navy jeans are baggy and Vince is gonna be pickpocketing some rich old bastards tonight.
Vanderpump is somewhat friendly to “Eileen Davidson”, which strikes Eileen as odd. She tells us that she’s still traumatized by all the zero that happened to her last year and it’s can’t just go away. “I’m just trying to be ok.” HAHAH Jesus lady. Please demand an apology for another twenty or so hours. You haven’t wasted enough of our damn lives already. How bout you suck it up and get a hobby? Shit I don’t care. Use the ole “gotta get my hoohaw waxed on camera!” or “I want a baby at fifty!” storyline. ANYTHING BUT THIS AGAIN.
She says that Rinna is trying to get past the trauma too, but she’s probably doing it very differently. Criticize Rinna all you want, but she basically just did the entire opening tap number from 42nd street, had a brain seizure, and is still smiling (although possibly not getting back up.) It’s called making an effort, Eileen.
LVP stoically says hello to Eileen, and Eileen matches her tone to return the hi. As if announcing that the Pope has contracted chlamydia, Lisa says “You look lovely, dahling.” Eileen, as if announcing that she’s signed on for a fiftieth year of full time work because Vince lost all her money at the Betty Boop slots again, says “You do, too.” Cold cheek kiss.
Lisa looks at her very dramatically, holding her in position. “I wanted to tell you, I’m sorry.”
When we come back, Matlock has proven that his neighbor was innocent the whole time. Turned out to be the FedEx guy. Kidding! Lisa continues. “I’m sorry…that I manipulated your mother into passing away.”
Eileen laughs out loud, as do we all. Vanderpump, confused, says that she really just heard about it two days ago. That’s complete bullshit, but Eileen rolls with it. She’s still laughing when she tells us that she was stupid enough to actually expect LVP to apologize for what she said in the Hamptons 13 zillion episodes ago. Girl. Please. DROP IT. She said she was sorry so many times! She never meant it, but who cares. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t ask it for a refill cuz horses can’t pour. The horse is strong with this recap.
Eileen can be mad that Vanderpump tried to make her look stupid for stealing someone’s husband on national tv all she wants, but she was the one who stole the husband. Now just be happy that you won…the dude in Old Navy jeans currently running a shell game on a cardboard box in front of the bar. Congrats! Totally worth it!
Vanderpump leaves the girl laughing about her own mom dying to get some attention from an old fawning queen.
Rinna, who’s back in action, compliments Dorit on her gorgeous home. Dorit, quickly becoming the biggest douche of the entire series (sorry, Camille) agrees that her house is gorgeous and adds that Marc Anthony and J-Lo lived there first! Rinna reminds us that Marc Anthony and J-Lo had a failed marriage. “But the house is pretty!”
What is it with pretty women married to frog faced men living in this house? Marc Anthony is probably so pissed Boy George is squatting in his old garage right now.
Kyle asks if her amazing friend Boy George (who she knows from the Celebrity Apprentice because they’re both celebrities) is coming. Dorit says that no, Boy George (her dear friend who she knows because she and her husband only surround themselves with amazing celebrities) is not here LIVING IN HER HOME LIKE A GAY HUSBAND SISTER because he’s touring the country becoming so famous that he won’t even recognize barely famous Kyle when he returns to live in the house Frog Faced Marc Anthony got dumped in. Kyle tries to trump her, but Dorit’s gone before she can say “My sister knows Emilio Estevez.”
Erika Jayne arrives in a t-shirt dress. Dorit’s semi offended. The invitation said “Stunning Non Tiffany Blue Attire”, not ratty ass t-shirt. Erika tells us that Dorit’s too tacky to know that the t-shirt just came off the runway. This is Erika Jayne, so I’m not sure if she meant she literally found this on a runway when she stepped off Don Rickles’ plane at the Burbank airport or if she’s starring in her own TJ Maxx ad. It doesn’t matter either way. A t-shirt is a t-shirt.
EJ brought a gift, though, which was sweet. It’s a Chanel change purse! She bought two and decided she didn’t need this one, which is really heartwarming. She coos that there’s a receipt in case Dorit wants to return it. Unfortunately, she’ll have to fly to Dubai and find whatever donkey the wallet counterfeiter is roaming around on. Erika Jayne’s on a budget, betch. I don’t care what she says.
Mischievous Split Ends Clown music plays. Oh Lord. Eileen must be offended about something. She pulls Vanderpump aside. “You know when you came up to me?”
Eileen: Well you did, not five minutes ago.
Vanderpump: No, I didn’t.
Eileen: You did. You said you were sorry my mom died.
Vanderpump: Dahling, your mother died?
Eileen: I thought you were actually gonna apologize about…
Vanderpump: Did she die from disappointment at her daughter being a husband stealing harlot?
Eileen: I thought you were gonna apologize about what happened in the Hamptons.
Vanderpump: For manipulating you into wearing that awful pirate bunny blouse?
Eileen: For making me announce at a goddamn dinner party that I stole my husband!
Eileen: DAMMIT YOU DID IT AGAIN!
LVP laughs her ass off that Eileen would want yet another apology and says hell will freeze over before she ever apologizes to Eileen about anything ever again. Last season, when Eileen got uppity, Vanderpump got her hurt meemaw face on and whined about being misunderstood. This time she doesn’t give a fuck. It’s hilarious, and Eileen isn’t sure what to do.
She takes a page from Rinna’s book and just starts laughing. “So…you weren’t apologizing. I didn’t think so LOLZ” and Lisa Vanderpump laughs back. “No.” What a bitch, saying she’s sorry when someone’s mom passed away.
Eileen stands there with egg on her face for a minute, then Kyle swoops in with a tortilla to dip some of it off. “Hey! There’s food at this party!”
Vanderpump is full of power, so she heads towards an old dude that will flirt with her. Turns out he’s married to Tony Soprano’s sister.
It’s Dorit’s parents! Lisa extends her hand.
Vanderpump: Lisa Vanderpump.
Vanderpump: Yes. And you are?
Vanderpump: Yes, hello. What’s your name?
Vanderpump: And goodbye.
I wouldn’t put it past Shalom’s daughter to name her next kid “Greetings”. PK has a giant throne thing brought to the center of the room for Dorit to sit on while he blathers on about her being the most amazing woman of all time. He shakes his jowls and says “I could go through life with one hand if you were holding the other one.” That literally makes no sense. Besides, like any other man with an internet connection, I’m sure he can get through life just fine one handed.
I know this is supposed to be romantic and stuff, but he’s literally making the “eating hoo haw” gesture with his mouth and hands.
You weren’t kidding about not needing two hands.
There’s a dude wandering around with a blurred out face, and it cracks me up. At least someone in this place has some pride.
Dorit pretends to cry and says PK knows how to make her feel special on her birthday. A really big line of credit. He announces that the real party is in the back yard, which he’s had transformed into “Dorit’s Buddha Bar!” That’s a theme that works perfectly for them. Just put a straw in PK and sip some Mai Thais.
The yard is now…a yard with red lights all over it. Erika congratulates Dorit on having a party a tenth of the size of hers and compliments the painting of Donald Duck PK flew in from Albert Hall. Dorit tries to explain that it’s actually a portrait of her painted by someone who knows the Queen who knows Boy George her very dear friend, but Erika doesn’t speak Spantalianese.
There’s a dance floor, which is Vanderpump’s cue to do the swim. Rinna step touch step touches her way over to LVP and laughs too loudly about how much fun they’re having. “Aren’t we. AREN’T WE?” Vanderpump whines “Remember I’m the awful evil one, dahling. I’m the MONSTAH!”
Rinna tries to laugh her off again and jokes “I’ve decided I like you more than I don’t like you,” to which Vanderpump responds “I don’t know if you get a second chance yet.” UGH. Lady, there’s only so long you can stay up on that cross. Even Jesus Christ eventually died, and he was half your age and took fish oil.
Rinna, now doing a dosey doe, tells Vanderpump that another chance is up to her. “I’m fine, BABY!” Vanderpump doesn’t know how to respond, so Rinna stops her and grabs her by the shoulders. “I’m sorry. Like REALLY. I hurt you. I was hard on you. I’m so so so sorry. I can’t live another day knowing I caused pain to someone who’s SO GOOD. What would my life be without you? What would Harry Hamlin’s life be without you? What would this TOWN’s life be without you? There would be a lot more limping animals in the streets, BABY! I LOVE YOU LISA VANDERPUMP! I AM GOING TO HAVE YOUR BABIES! LIMPING BABIES SO YOU’LL LOVE THEM MORE!”
And Vanderpump smiles. That’s all she wanted. She takes coocoo bird Rinna’s shoulders now. “Let’s move on. I can move on with you.”
Thank Jehoshaphat. Rinna is happy to be out of the rain, and Vanderpump is glad to have the cross off her back. She tells us that “this modicum of remorse gives me a bit of hope for our future.” I’m shaking my head right now, but I’m also smiling so it’s a win.
Around the time of Kyle’s fourth course, the ladies are laughing at a cocktail table. Erika is getting pissy that Dorit is trying to talk her into getting shitfaced, and Vanderpump is making jokes about refusing to swallow as Ken feeds her sushi. All is right in the world. Wait. Why are people so happy? I don’t like this.
PK starts blabbering about his romance with Dorit again. When asked where they met, he kinda nervously says “we met briefly at a bar.” Uh huh. Did Don Rickles used to eat at this bar alone? Every new cast member on this show is gonna be some rubber faced save a ho. I’m ok with that.
At this “bar”, PK and Dorit started to chatter. “In England, chatter means talk.” This phony is insufferable. Erika Jayne agrees and laughs. “We know, dummy.” He looks furious. I recognize that look. It’s the look of a poor season one housewife trying to start fights about nothing to keep a paycheck coming in so they don’t lose their house. Wait. Is this a bitchy ass husband who fights with the women? Ooooh, girl. I say 100 times a season that each housewife has that moment (usually in their second season) where their Bitch Flower blooms. PK is a surprise early bloomer. Double bonus, he’s our first truly fat housewife. You go, girl.
Make that money, betch! You can only file bankruptcy once.
Talk about bringing home the bacon. He wipes the anger away with a sweat rag and continues on. 2004-2007 were his years of excess. LOL. That’s like someone with teenagers talking about their baby weight. Dorit saved his LIFE, dammit! HIS LIFE! Attempt at tears. Now we know where Dorit gets her coke from.
Kyle’s still eating.
Eileen tries to make small talk with Dorit. “So, you’re secretly poor, too.” Before Dorit answers, PK is up on stage giving his fourth speech of the night. Vanderpump tries to listen, but she’s busy telling some British queen that Yanks don’t get their “take the piss” humor. That’s true, but you are the one still crying about some second rate actress giving you the cold shoulder a year ago.
Eileen is wandering around looking for Vinny. “Have you seen my husband?” Vanderpump laughs “Yes I saw him over in a corner trying to stick his head up someone’s skirt.” Bwahahahahahahahahaa
Eileen laughs, shocked. Vanderpump instantly apologizes. “Sorry. I was kidding.” Too late! That was worse than anything she said last year by far, and I flove it. Eileen walks off laughing angrily. It’s an odd sight. Could Lisa have made that joke about anyone? Yes. And she probably said the exact same thing a hundred times that very night. It hurts Eileen more because in her case, the joke sounds kinda true. Eileen is mad, but as she stomps off, I suspect she’s actually walking toward the corner to see if her husband does, in fact, have his head up someone’s skirt.
The deli meat table is empty, so Kyle comes over to Rinna and Eileen and tells them it’s time for them to talk shit about her BestFrienemyForver. “How’d it go with Vanderpump? Both of you!”, she orders.
Rinna smiles and dances and looks around the room nervously. “Good! Good! Good! Great! Amazing! Fantastic! We’re like sisters now! We’re braiding each other’s wigs this week. FANTASTIC I LOVE LISA VANDERPUMPHUSTLEBABYMUNCHIES. Eileen repeats Vanderpump’s joke and Kyle laughs so hard she spits a piece of chewed up shrimp at Eileen’s face.
Eileen dances, furiously, and jokes that she feels amazing about another season with Vanderpump. JUST GREAT. GREAT. Rinna looks terrified. Kyle looks starving. This season looks amazing.
As the camera pulls away from the party, then the house, then the city, we hear Dorit complain “I guess I’m not getting a cake this year,” in five accents. What a dick.