You know, Andy Cohen is really going to be burning in hell for making us- not only sit through an almost entirely- HORRIBLE season- but then 3 hours of reunion horribleness. I’M TRIGGERED.
Where were we? Poised to jump off a cliff? Yeah, I thought so.
On the previous 37 parts to this reunion, Gina was upset with Shannon for not sharing EVERYTHING about her life with the public. Specifically, Gina is upset Shannon was dating someone during the season and didn’t tell anyone. Gina spent an evening with Shannon getting hooked up with a matchmaker, when she could have been at home with her rotten kids… or painting crappy inspirational signs or sitting in her sad little casita. <drink>.
It’s rich that Gina is scolding someone for not being completely open when we’ve never even seen a photo of her husband.
Gina and one of the only existing photos of Big Foot, I mean Meeeaaaaaattttt Kirschenheiter.
To bring you up to speed, Tamra isn’t really talking to Shannon so much these days. Kelly currently hates Vicki, as does the 98.9% of the audience. Shannon claims to be LESS reactive these days. LOL Shannon is so funny. I’ve met cobras who are less reactive.
Let’s see what foolishness is served up tonight.
Andy immediately serves up a Kelly clip package saying Kelly may have started the year by down-sizing but by the end of the season, Kelly got PhD. Pretty huge Dick.
What girl doesn’t want to go for her PhD?
We see Kelly dating The Milk Man, and the creepy doctor, blah blah blah, the dude with the PhD. Andy asks Kelly how things are with Michael? At the end of the season it seems they were getting along well. Kelly says Michael doesn’t love seeing Kelly dating and making out with dudes on TV.
A viewer says Kelly dumped a doctor the because he didn’t buy her sunglasses- what is behavior like this teaching Jolie? Kelly says she’s very generous but when people are cheap with her she doesn’t like it. Emily says Kelly felt the dude wasn’t being chivalrous. Kelly says this wasn’t the only problem – he was also “old as mold.” Oh, so, roughly Vicki’s age?
Kelly says Michael is dating someone seriously. We learn, of course Vicki has met her.
But I haven’t talked to Michael in 6 months…
But wait, I thought she hadn’t seen or spoken to Michael? Once again… Vicki lies.
Andy says Vicki has chastised Kelly about sharing too much with Jolie, but hasn’t Vicki done the same with her son, Michael? Vicki says it’s a matter of age. Yeah, but Michael is still human- he doesn’t want to hear about Vicki wanting to be pork’d four times a day. Isn’t he likely scarred enough having Vicki for a mother, he doesn’t need to be forced to think of her as a woman.
Apparently, Shannon set Kelly up with someone but Kelly says he argues with her too much and she needs someone quiet. Eh, something tells me Kelly likes the battle. Fight and make-up. Fight and make-up.
We review Eddie’s birthday party, Kelly tried to make amends with Steve the CC, but it ended up in a blow-out. Kelly thinks Steve has no business talking to Page Six about her, so she confronted him about it and then The Turtle took some shrapnel.
King of Snaaaaaarkasm
The Turtle told Kelly she was drunk and so she called him a dork and a pussy and a little bitch.
Well, he threw a bomb and she threw a nuke… you were warned.
And then Emily threatened to kill Kelly.
Is this considered a reasonable threat?
Just another day at the office.
Emily feels the situation was disproportionate. Turtle accused Kelly of being drunk and accused her of having a bad personality. And Kelly came back at him with both guns-blazing.
Gina says the situation made Kelly look bad, and Kelly says she doesn’t really care. Kelly says Turtle name-called her. LOL. He just said she was drunk. The name-calling specialist in this situation is Kelly. Kelly tells Emily to get her bitch under control.
Kelly Dodd, National Treasure.
Emily is like the fight was disproportionate and Andy says that Emily threatened to kill Kelly. Kelly says that it’s against the law to threaten to kill someone.
Emily says it’s only a threat when the other person legitimately believes the other person will kill them. Kelly says she DID feel that Emily WOULD kill her- Kelly watches Snapped. LOL.
Then Shannon pipes in and says Emily SAID it AND needed to be restrained. Emily tells Shannon to stay out of it. Emily is getting pissed.
Andy asks Kelly why she kept telling Emily to “hit me?” Kelly says because she wanted to hit Emily right back.
This is the dumbest thing ever. The Turtle is a little bitch. Case closed. MisRed has spoken. ‘
Emily says she regrets her actions and Gina said Emily was embarrassed. Tamra asks Gina why she always talks for Emily? It seems like Gina likes to talk for everyone lately.
Andy asks Kelly why she continues calling The Turtle a dork and a bitch? Kelly says Emily makes excuses for him. Tamra agrees- if you have to repeatedly tell people your friends your husband is funny and sarcastic- that is a problem. Frankly, I don’t find The Turtle to be funny. Or sarcastic. He just seems like a miserable, emotionless f*ck. Emily deserves better.
Shannon says she didn’t really know what to think about The Turtle. Emily says, if you want to be friends with her you can’t call The Turtle names. Kelly is like… eh ok. I get the feeling Kelly doesn’t really even consider Emily a worthy opponent.
Andy wants to dive into Jamaica. Oh good. Because it was so much fun the first time around and the 5 rehashes we’ve been through since.
Andy says that Nana Vicki loves to twerk. Hang on, MisRed needs her Red Rider BB Gun.
Fear not, these sheets were burned immediately.
We flashback to Jamaica and we review Tamra and Vicki jockeying for the best room, licking the pillows and Vicki “pretending” to fart on the pillows. These two really are a couple of class acts.
We see Tamra “accidently” showing her tits for the 790th time. MisRed is numb to them at this point.
And then we get a review of Vicki’s twerking exploits.
As a nation, and possibly as a planet, we thank you, Briana.
Oh soooooorrrrrrry, sorrrrrry, better luck next time.
And Emily doing a face plant off the trampoline. LOL. Seriously, Emily face-planting off the trampoline was the highlight of the season.
Yeah, I’d like to know that too.
Andy asks Vicki what possessed her to wear some of these crazy outfits in Jamaica… like the ones that were completely see-through? Vicki says she’s never going to wear her macramé outfits again. THANK YOU, JESUS. But she says Kelly is the one who told her to wear that crap.
MisRed would like to think Kelly did this to make Vicki look even MORE foolish than she already does.
Then Vicki blames Tamra for making her twerk. Of course, everything is always somebody else’s fault. Who does she blame for Brooks? Oh Donn. That’s right. He wasn’t filling her love tank.
Kelly says Shannon and Tamra are co-dependent, Eddie says Tamra enables Shannon. All these arm chair psychiatrists, it’s a wonder everyone’s relationships are so jacked up. We review Tamra talking about Shannon and how selfish she is and how Shannon is not there for Tamra. Tamra says it’s so exhausting supporting Shannon sometimes.
Tamra makes herself the victim in all of this. So, we have Vicki the Victim, Shannon the Victim and Tamra the Victim. UGH.
This is Shannon, literally, everyday.
Shannon says she has truly appreciated the support Tamra has given her. Shannon has been going through a dark, tough time, but Tamra, herself, was in a really bad place with Eddie’s health. Tamra saying she didn’t really even realize how dark things in her own life were because she was so focused on Shannon.
Yes, Tamra, you are so selfless.
They argue back and forth over the support Tamra has shown, coupled with the talking behind her back, etc. Shannon says she doesn’t want to suck the life out of people.
Right, this was just a lucky side-effect.
Shannon explains she was really fine for the first day in Jamaica, she was laughing on the beach and in the salt room and she even got up on the dance floor on a sprained ankle… blah blah blah… but then when she got the news that her house was sold, her spirits began to plummet.
And you are only one season in…
Gina is like… YOU ARE EXHAUSTING. Why does everything need such a huge explanation? Why do you always have to say you did this in spite of this other problem you were having????!?!?!?!?
Well that’s Shannon’s personality.
Shannon says it was very hard for her to lean on people, and she thought Tamra was so supportive, but she didn’t realize it was so draining on Tamra.
You aren’t the only one who can be a passive aggressive betch!
Tamra is like- “Don’t you flip this on me. You are making me look bad.” Yeah! Tamra can make herself look like a horrible person without anyone’s help!!
Tamra says that it made her feel bad that Shannon doesn’t check on Eddie when he was undergoing his procedures or come see Tamra’s new house.
Shannon says she was just trying to explain a little more about her. Emily says that Shannon controls the relationship = when she needs Tamra she is constantly calling her, but when she doesn’t need Tamra, she ices her out.
Andy wants to know why Shannon was so against going on anti-depressants. Shannon says the discussion of anti-depressants occurred after a volatile episode. Shannon said she would have handled the suggestion of medication had been done on a more one on one situation.
Maybe. But what fun would that have been for us?
Shannon says she was drunk when she got to the dinner, she and Vicki had been drinking in the room prior to leaving for dinner. Gina says “EXCUSE!”
Gina says Shannon has been a crappy friend to her, Shannon ignored Gina for 4 months. And Gina doesn’t like to be disrespected. Shannon says she just doesn’t like Gina.
I START friendships Miss 34 year old!!
Gina is like Why? Shannon says Gina hasn’t been nice to her and has been judgmental. The first night Shannon met Gina, Shannon says she was “literally screaming in my ear” at Vicki about breaking Girl Code.
We get a flashback and okay, Gina was seated next to Shannon and yes, she speaks ACROSS Shannon, but she isn’t exactly “screaming.” Sure, she’s from New York, so she talks a little louder than most people, but she wasn’t screaming.
This is stupid. Vicki did break Girl Code. Vicki breaks most rules of good behavior. Shannon didn’t talk to Vicki for years. Now that Shannon needs support, she has allowed Vicki back into her life.
Andy asks Shannon if she just doesn’t like Gina and Emily because they are new? Shannon is like- yeah, probably. Shannon claims there are other factors but doesn’t elaborate. Vicki admits she has “I hate new girl syndrome” too.
Something to REALLY be proud of, there, Icki. Great. Who cares?
Andy asks Vicki how going on anti-depressants helped her when she was getting divorced? She says it helped her to function and to be able to get to work in the morning. She had to update her policies on Donn, and on any of the new women Donn was dating, etc.
Shannon says she has friends who have taken anti-depressants and it’s helped and then she has other friends who have taken them and wound up like a zombie. Shannon says it was her choice to stay home for six months, and to experience the pain and to process it. That was her way of coping with the divorce.
Yeah, she’s REALLY coping, isn’t she?
With the women suggested she take an anti-depressant, Shannon felt attacked. Shannon felt like they were saying that she can’t handle her life- and she is a mess.
Uh, if the dumpster fire fits…
Tell me about your mother….
Tamra Freud jumps in and says, “Is this was something that David had said to you?”
Shannon says, “All the time.” Andy is like… so it was a bit of a flashback? Shannon gets upset, almost like she’s having an epiphany and says Tamra just hit a nerve.
Andy is like “Ohhhh so that’s why you’ve been acting like an escapee from the insane asylum since the first moment we met you.” MisRed may have embellished Andy’s statement.
Andy says both Vicki and Gina accused Shannon of self-medicating with alcohol. And Tamra has said the same. The girls agree that they have all self-medicated to cope. Gina says that she is not one to judge, and she’s also going through a rough time, so she understands it’s difficult.
Shannon says it hurts that the ladies consider Shannon to have “Rich Girl Problems.” Shannon says Kelly called David a saint for dealing with Shannon.
Shannon says it was so hurtful because she had just seen Kelly being upset for Vicki “favoring” Michael in the Kelly / Michael divorce and that made her feel like Kelly was favoring David. Kelly says it was just a reaction and she didn’t choose her words wisely and she in no way has taken David’s side.
Tamra asks if Shannon is just going to ice her out again? Tamra says she values their friendship and kind of misses Shannon’s phone calls complaining.
Shannon says she talks to her therapist every day because she felt like Jamaica was like a feeding frenzy on her. Seriously, how long ago was Jamaica and Shannon is still talking to her therapist DAILY about the trip? Shannon was afraid to talk to Tamra because she doesn’t want their friendship to be destroyed. Tamra apologized for talking to other people about her feelings about Shannon, but she didn’t feel she could express her feelings to Shannon. Tamra says Shannon gets so defensive and maybe that’s because of all of her years with David. Shannon says David told her every day of her marriage, she was selfish and an alcoholic and crazy and those were the three things she was hearing from Tamra.
Andy says- oh, it made you go back to the place where David was saying these things to you.
Vicki is like “She was triggered. She was triggered.”
Ok, so you know Vicki’s storyline next year will be all about her being “triggered.” Well Vicki looks a little like Trigger, so why not?
Yesssssss, I see it now.
Shannon says she appreciates everyone’s patience with her. Tamra says she misses her friendship with Shannon and her nutty phone calls.
When they came back from Jamaica, things spilled over- Gina told Shannon that Tamra was talking about Shannon’s mental health. Tamra, of course, found out and got into it with Gina. Gina says Shannon had called her saying she was going to lose custody of her kids, so Gina felt compelled to tell Shannon the things that were being said about her. This led to Shannon calling Gina a shit-stirrer. Andy asks if Gina had planned to tell Shannon about everything that the girls had been saying about her or if it happened in the moment. Gina said she felt bad for Shannon that nobody was taking care of Shannon after her eye surgery, so she just told her how shitty all her friends are.
How DARE she say such things in front of ARRRRRCHIE!!!
Gina says she felt badly about that and wanted to make sure Shannon was okay… so she told her all her friends think she’s crazy and calls the tailor over to fit her with a straitjacket.
Gina said she isn’t a shit-stirrer. A few of the women disagree. Shannon says she felt played by Gina. Gina says Shannon felt that this stuff could impact her custody case… then Shannon says she never said anything about custody, she only mentioned she was going through a divorce. Gina says Shannon is an open book of bullshit.
With a herbed cream cheese filling!!
Shannon says Gina is ridiculous, and Gina went to “The Deck” and told blatant lies about Shannon- which Gina denies. She says she did say a lot of things, but she didn’t lie. Shannon says she told Gina to NOT mention anything to Tamra about their conversation. Gina says Shannon is lying. None of this makes sense as Shannon immediately ran right to Tamra after Gina left her house. Shannon tells Gina to stay out of her business.
Uh… and my Amazon replay just decided to end itself early. Thanks Bravo, you twat.
We review the conversation at The Deck and Emily’s admission of Shannon reminding her of her mother and her struggle with depression and mental illness. Shannon says that she was just depressed.
Vicki says, “Depression is not a mental illness.”
But wearing a dress like that probably is…
Thanks Vicki- so glad you are here to announce INCORRECT INFORMATION as always. Go twerk in a fishnet onesie and shut the f*ck up, please.
Gina is like- YES, IT IS!!!
This is the face of appreciation.
Shannon has accepted Emily and Gina’s apologies and Emily says that maybe Shannon should give Emily and Gina an apology for ignoring her. Shannon is like- I have apologized…what do you want me to do- put an alarm on phone and apologize monthly.
Yeah, sure, that would be fine.
Both Gina and Emily think that would be fine.
Shannon says she is jealous of Gina, not because her husband is hot and she continued to bang him after they split up… but because Shannon wanted her divorce to be friendly. Why would Shannon expect her divorce to be friendly? Her marriage was not REMOTELY friendly. Delusional.
So, Andy is like- Ok, Shannon and Tamra are fine. Gina / Emily and Shannon say they are fine. Kelly and Vicki are… maybe taking baby steps back to friendship. Kelly says she used to love hanging out with Vicki. And Vicki says, “I’m fun.”
Whatever gets you through that day, Vick.
Andy asks each for the biggest regret of the season?
Kelly- Saying David was a saint.
Gina- Inserting herself in Shannon’s business. Really, not your home décor?
Emily- Threatening to kill Kelly. She was not proud of her behavior.
Vicki- When Michael relied on her for support and then asked her not to talk to Kelly about it. Keep hanging on to that lie, Vicki.
Tamra- Venting her frustrations about Shannon. Yeah, better to just bottle up that shit.
Shannon- Jamaica and how she acted toward every single one of them.
The whole damn trip!!
Andy ends it with a shot of Tequila.
Cheers to end of this charade!!!
They toast to new friendships. Andy wants everyone to twerk. Andy, please, have we not been through enough????
Thanks so much for hanging in there this season. I love you guys and thanks for all of your support!! xoxoxo
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