Happy Season 7!! I’m trying something new this year and releasing these as audiobooks in addition to the regular written recaps! They will be free the first week they’re posted and then move onto a premium feed, so if you wanna support a fat bitch and have access to the archives at all times, you can buy individual episodes or buy a season pass over on the Podbean site. You can also download a Podbean app that makes listening/downloading on your phone easy peasy. I love you guys so much. I can’t believe this is the 7th year of this nuttiness. Enjoy the recap, enjoy the new Audiobook, and enjoy commenting. xoxoxo – Ronnie
We don’t have seasons in Los Angeles, but we still know what time of year it is by measuring our pore width. Those of us who have no pores left due to over-exfoliation and/or good old fashioned prayer tell the time by looking around at the pedestrians of Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. The gays have turned from brown, to pale white, to freshly orange. Can’t see it? Then close your eyes and open your ears to the tinkling sound of The Real Housewives playing behind every apartment door in the neighborhood. Lisa Vanderpump is throatily claiming to be the queen of something and my nipples are hard (unrelated incidents). It’s official:
Winter is upon us, and the snow capped, glistening hags of the BH are back in our lives. First up is Vanderpump, who’s wearing a Kyle sized dress in solidarity.
The crown is heavy, dahling, which is why it takes two queens to carry mine
Ken: I can’t feel my elbows.
I may be two people, but they both have whorish print to canvasses hanging in Don Rickles’ faux library in Pasadena.
My advice to you? Don’t hustle hustlers baby or your mom will break her back on a sidewalk crack Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice knock on formica own it! PS this isn’t a wig.
I speak no evil, but I will wear anything found on the floor of Ross Dress For Less and I might fuck your husband.
When you save up your Southwest Rewards Points, you can speak in made up accents wherever those hilarious flight attendants drop your bony ass off.
We open the season with Big Kathy’s fifth favorite child. Kyle is in her messy ass guest room/wannabe Vanderpump closet wondering what Kyle is always wondering: did I drop a peanut M&M here at some point and if so, where the fuck is it? Kyle’s the kind of girl to tell us every season how rich and fabulous she is while trying to be richer and more fabulous than everyone else. Strike that. I meant anyone else.
She’s tried taking on Queen Vanderpump a couple of times and it never worked so she’s competing with her frienemy on a walk in closet battleground this season. Giant space with shelves of expensive purses? Check. Small dogs shitting everywhere? Check. An adorable maid in Pandora’s hand me downs to polish your Louboutins? NOPE. It should have worked, but it didn’t. You can’t be truly happy in a closet Faye Resnick built. If Vanderpump’s walk in closet is Neiman’s, Kyle’s is Big Lots.
Kyle has lost and the season’s just begun, which means it’s gonna be a really good one. Vanderpump calls to manipulate Kyle into coming to a party/free advertising segment for her restaurant Pump. Kyle jokes about wearing the new rose gold Birkenstocks that match her new rose gold iPhone as I pray for a defective battery that will explode in her hands.
Vanderpump is bringing along her friends Dorit and PK, a couple whose names apparently need to be said many times so we get the gravity of the situation. “Oh, Dorit and PK? I know Dorit and PK! DORIT AND PK!!!” They know Boy George, and KYLE KNOWS BOY GEORGE! “When we were on the Celebrity Apprentice together…”
Kyle’s been on less than thirty seconds and she’s flashed a hundred grand worth of purses, a gold rolex, two diamond rings and two giant diamond earrings, Celebrity Apprentice and Boy George at us. Somewhere, Yolanda just rolled her eyes, glanced at some pics of David Foster’s 90,000 Grammys and threw an ex high priced call girl at the TV.
Over at a tacky ass old person house in Pasadena…
A black lab is walking slowly down the hall, led by whatever God awful smell is at the end of Erika Jayne’s fingers to keep him from running the hell out of there. Everyone is born with some kind of talent, and I suspect EJ’s is smelling like Beggin’ Strips at all times.
It’s her forty fifth birthday. “You’re definitely in your mid forties when you’re forty five.” Yes, Erika. Like, literally. There’s a reason this woman doesn’t own a witty bumper sticker company.
She does, however, own a working vagina and glands that ooze dog treat scents, so she’s rich anyway. Her husband, the never retired Don Rickles, has a gift for her. “You have a lot of things to put on your ears” (noise canceling headphones to drown out me yelling at you about streaky counters) “and a lot of things to put on your fingers” (brass knuckles to protect yourself in case I start punching randomly in the middle of the night during nightmares about fighting Ricky Ricardo for Lucy’s heart in World War 1), “so here’s something for your eyes.”
Surely she has a sleeping mask already to protect herself from her brain melting nightly at the sight of a naked Rickles trying to get his boner to work. What could be better for her eyes? A poker?
It’s a ring! Rings are, in fact, for fingers, but never mind the awkward husband intro, it’s not just just any ring! A pamphlet of a ring! The ring’s on order. Ebay isn’t magic and his secretary just told him yesterday it was his blow up doll’s Created On date. Don’t worry, your 80 thousand dollar ring will get here when FedEx decides it’s time. While you wait, you can stare at the million dollar Chagall he bought himself.
She stares at the Chagall like she wants to ask what all naturally poor people ask when they see such things: That shit cost a million damn dollars? Was this person on drugs? I see artwork in the back of TJ Maxx with cleaner lines! Fucking rich people. Erika Jayne has the training to keep her mouth shut and smile at the jewelry pamphlet. It’s called a positive attitude, you guys.
Flashback to Erika showing off her first tacky ass panther head ring to Vanderpump and being asked what she did to get it. “What every woman does!” No, she didn’t mean “get a job.” I used to joke that Gloria Steinem would have a brain aneurism if she watched these shows, and last year she appeared on Watch What Happens Live to affirm that she does, in fact, find them repulsive. She did go on Watch What Happens, though, which negates anything that comes out of her mouth for eternity. That was the day feminism officially died.
Blatant whore judgments on Erika Jayne aside, she did earn that ring. I’m sure that girl has helicoptered Don Rickles’ wiener enough to fly to Paris and back. All for a shitty panther ring that she already owns in two different colors. Work is work. There’s a reason it’s called the oldest “profession”.
Vanderpump arrives at Pump with her flesh roomba husband Ken and a living Giggy. Wait. We all know Rocio stuffed Giggy with beans years ago. The real Giggy can’t move his damn head. Did they find some animatronic stocking stuffer at Sharper Image to implant into him and make him blink again? The future is now, you guys. Wait. That’s not Giggy…
It’s the new, fat, young Giggy. Harrison. Vanderpump makes out with replacement Gigs and commends him for growing all his hair back since his pound days. Not only did she rudely replace Giggy with a younger replica while he’s still alive, she chose a BALDING younger replica. Her obsession with caring for the follicle-y challenged explains her loyalty to Kyle.
Lisa Vanderpump will only take a broken ass animal. Do you know how many non-limping dogs without alopecia died so this understudy could have a home?
Ken is still holding Dead Original Giggy, who looks upset. I think he died with indigestion or something, cuz he always has that “this fart could take out a city block” look on his face. Similar to the look Don Rickles gets whenever Erika does scales in the practice room.
The first guests to arrive are the retardedly named Dorit and PK. Dorit has the typical fish face of a new housewife, but we know she’s special because she showed up at her opening tagline shoot dressed like a really tacky gift you’d leave on your enemy’s doorstep. Flaming bag of dog poo, or whatever. Someone on Twitter asked if I’d refer to her as Doritos, but I can’t. Doritos have some taste.
Dorit is a surgically hot dodo bird married to a fat pasty rich dude. No shocker there. We are in Beverly Hills after all. Women have to go through a lot more pain in life than men, traditionally, but at least they can just shut their eyes and fake it to find a homely mate with a job. If females in Los Angeles actually had to produce boners for the rich dudes they marry, the economy here would be very different.
Flaming poo dress and fish face aside, Dorit is very promising. She has an unplaceable fake accent and it’s amazing. Basically, she’s a flapper from the Bronx in the 20’s trying to talk like the Queen imitating Charo. Vanderpump loves her, of course, because anyone that splintered phonetically is broken, and LVP is obsessed with broken people. She knew PK’s original wife, and considers Dorit an “upgrade”. Who the hell was the man married to before? Balki?
Kyle and Mauricio arrive. Kisses and nasal coke breathing all around. Kyle knows BOY GEORGE from CELEBRITY APPRENTICE! Dorit squints and then tells Kyle in her “Dame Judy if she was born in Riverdale” voice: “Boy George is family Mama Mia pizza pie adios!” Kyle replies that Boy might as well be her family, too, cuz she always wanted to be him growing up. It makes sense. Boy looks like Kyle without the access to stockpiled 1990’s formula Xenadrine, hot oil treatments and lots of Groupon forehead stretches.
Kyle’s too busy saying “BOY!” and “Celebrity Apprentice” on loop to ask the obvious question: what the hell happened to Boy George that he’s having to live with some fat Brit and his rental fish face? There is no franchise as exhilaratingly morbid and sad as this one.
PK babbles on about spending the day with his personal shopper at Pea and the Pod or some shit. The only reason his accent sounds in any way real is because we heard Dorit’s first. He’s blabbing loudly about money, which means his ass is dead broke. So. LA. Mauri wants to know more about Dorit. What books does she like? Is she into art? And why the fuck does she talk like that?
Well, she’s Israeli. Hey! Mauri is Jewish! She speaks in a foreign tongue to him, but he doesn’t get it. For all any of us know she’s saying “watermelon porcupine” backwards ten times. You’d think a Mexican Jew would have a confusing enough ethnic background to get her. Alas, no.
Dorit explains that she speaks like this because she started a bikini line called Dorit by Aileen Three in Italy five years ago. Um…that’s not really an explanation, but ok. Just offer me a Romanian bagel in Spanish with an Irish accent and we’ll be fine.
Dorit’s birthday party is coming up, and Vanderpump asks if she can invite Erika Jayne along. They became friendly during the off season when EJ needed advice on which old husband butt hose to buy for the mansion. These women can try to fight all they want, but there is no bond like being married to guys who keep you warm in bed with a constant flow of silent fahts.
Not sure if Dorit just said she met her husband in Dubai (that would totally figure, though. Yacht ho. Sound familiar? No offense Yolanda. Or Sonja Morgan. Or LaLa from Vanderpump Rules) or if she met Vanderpump in Dubai. I would rewind, but I don’t wanna accidentally force myself to hear “BOY GEORGE” or “Celebrity Apprentice” again. Dubai is LVP’s cue to whine about how everyone was really mean to her there. It’s nice to hear a woman speaking up for herself after being treated like a second class citizen of that place, even if it’s just Lisa whining and being a victim.
Vanderpump is like Jesus. She gives out a lot of wine and grilled fish, and she’s always crying up on a cross even though you can see she obviously gets off it when no one’s looking to do crunches. What are you whining about? You’re thin, you’ve got two of every animal in your backyard, and you live in Heaven.
Dorit doesn’t like the “idea of women bullying each other,” which means she’s gonna try and ruin every woman on this show. YAY! Welcome to the family, ho!
Watch out, Ken Vanderpump. Harry Hamlin has brought home a battery operated pet for his wife, too. A new Tesla! Can Vanderpump use animatronic Giggy for carpools? NO! Rinna wins this one.
She tells us how last year was negative on sooooo many levels. I love Lisa Rinna’s crazy ass, but that was all basically her fault. Was Yolanda full of shit? Yes. Is Vanderpump a manipulative monster who tricks people into doing her dirty work? Yes. Did Eileen get sexually harassed in her hotel room when the shark tank cleaner in Dubai rubbed his penis at her through the window? Yes. I forgot what I was talking about.
Point is, please don’t make the old rich lady cry or Twitter will burn you alive. You’re welcome.
She goes from “I’m the luckiest person alive” to “I deserve a pass cuz I HUSTLE BABY!” She’s a very involved mother of two teenagers. Cut to her not realizing her kids have had multiple piercings since a drunken color coded bracelet party in the fifth grade. It’s called giving them space, ok?
Eileen is back for another round this season, and she’s sick of reading about her terrible fashion sense on the internet. That’s why she’s wearing rolled up mens slacks from Old Navy with a sideways Hamburgler shirt. Like a summer school regular, Eileen refuses to fucking learn.
Hopeless by Aileen 19
She meets Erika for lunch, and I think when Erika meets you you should always be extra nice and pick up the check cuz she drove from Pasadena. It was Eileen’s birthday recently, which puts her, Erika Jayne and Dorit all within the same range on the astrological chart. That can’t be a good thing.
Erika brings up Eileen’s mom passing away right before last season’s reunion, which is obviously terribly sad. It’s being brought up here and now to force the audience to be nice to Eileen for at least a week, though, and shrug off her assholish behavior last season. Good luck with that. Eileen says that the loss is making her appreciate life and old people in general more, so she’ll be nice-ish to Vanderpump. How generous of you, Eileen! Let’s please take this moment to remember that Vanderpump asked Eileen about her romance/husband stealing on national TV one time and Eileen tried to bury her alive (unsuccessfully) the rest of the year for it. Her forgiveness is akin to a judge letting someone off death row for a jaywalking ticket.
Kyle shows up and brings up something even more depressing than moms dying: her TVLand show. That channel was all about giving old sitcom stars another chance, and it’s fallen to giving never-stars their first chance when they reach the age of old sitcom stars. Next up, Valerie Bertanelli’s third cousin on a show about zoo keeping in a small town after moving back in with her parents. The only chance Kyle’s show has of being good is the casting of a really twitchy drunk to play Kim. Kinda like any season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills that Kyle is in.
PS the show is produced by ER’s John Wells. You’d think that man would have had enough of enabling bad surgery.
Let’s head over to Dorit’s house. It’s basically a giant maid pen. This betch has a nursing nanny, regular nanny and two backup nannies plus three housekeepers and an assistant to help her with her accents. She assures the critical among us that she’s not just sitting in bed eating bon bons. She’s sitting in bed feeding her fat husband bon bons and then emailing maids to clean that shit up. SHE WORKS OK?
You can have ten damn nannies, but no one can help carry the load those kids are gonna feel while they’re being mocked for their names. Jagger and Phoenix. The minute they learn about English and terrible put on desperation accents, they’re gonna legally change their names to #Brexit and run the fuck away from this crazy lady.
Boy George enters the house as any aged queen enters anywhere. He says “What a dump!”. I feel like the gays have come along culturally enough to stop saying Bette Davis lines whenever we enter a home, but we are who we are. Ironic faggotry is a new art form and Boy’s mastered it. His stupid 80’s Quaker/Madonna hats have actually come in style all these decades later, so he shuns them now. Instead, he’s donning a 2014 Pharrell hat. Miserable queen sporting a “Happy” hat. I don’t know him well yet, but I’m going to assume he’s kidding.
Dorit is sure to tell her assistant (as she is made up and styled by three rentals) that she wants to fly from New York to Milan and THEN to Paris, and she’ll be skipping Bocelli in Italy. That’s rude of her, but I’m sure ole Andrea is grateful to be free of a thirsty ass blonde real housewife drunk off her husband’s success using him as a dancing monkey at a dinner party this season. No offense, Yolanda.
She insists that her ENTIRE life is about celebrities. They know SO MANY of them. Her husband waddles around the kitchen saying things like “I’m so proud of you for Jimmy Kimmel, BOY GEORGE!” Pathetic clingers trying to convince us of their fabulosity with each fakely accented word. Remember when this show had legit rich people that didn’t have to try so hard? When these idiots need a golf cart to get from one end of the backyard to the other, call me. Until then, calm down. No one’s impressed. Unless you know Frasier. DO YOU KNOW FRASIER?
Dorit tells us that Boy is like a sister. No a husband! A GAY HUSBAND! So…like your husband. We get it.
Erika Jayne is surrounded by her gayployees getting blown up for her birthday party. The theme is Studio 54, cuz it was around at a time before cocaine became addictive and Liza Minelli started beating her gay husbands over the head with vodka bottles. It was also where Don Rickles had his 80th.
Her pay for gays are quipping their usual gaybot lines: “EVERYTHANG! YASS GIRL! DICO FEVER BETCH! FABBBBULOOOOUS!” I have a feeling each one of these rubberfaced phony baloney queens goes home, puts on a sweater vest and watches Murder She Wrote silently. No one is this gay unless they’re kidding. Or on a payroll.
EJ tells us that she has no budget limit for this party, which we all know is a damn lie. If she could spend what she wanted, this wouldn’t be taking place in Pasadena. She’s waiting at an open window when Don Rickles comes home, like a friendly cat you love but also know will literally eat your face off when you die.
Dorit and PK meet the Vanderpumps at Villa Franzia for some pre-party Ensure shots and elderly love making quips. Lisa’s vaginal humor has always made me giggle, and she’s basically morphed into a drag queen version of Austin Powers by now. Sidenote: Vanderpump is growing her real hair out under the wig pieces. You can tell cuz the triangle head that the under the wig bun creates is bigger than ever.
Dorit laughs in ten different accents as Lisa ribs her about shagging her fat pasty husband and talks about her Poison Arrow video and giggles about being at Studio 54 back in the day when life was good and jealous youngsters weren’t accusing you of manipulating terrorists into committing 9/11 or whatnot.
LVP is a very supportive coach. She coos and teases her new rubber faced meat puppet and heaps love onto her so that she’s got firm ground to stand on for her very special 100th “After All Ken And I Have Done For You” speech. She chooses players to battle for her each season, and this year it’s Dorit’s turn. People heap more love on Vanderpump than any other housewife, but they heap a lot of hate onto her too. Whatever your opinion, you gotta give the woman credit for picking soldiers. Brandi took care of Maloof quite handily, Joyce looked very pretty and helped finish off Brandi before getting fired herself, and now Dorit is the one sitting here smiling politely at the sex jokes and double entendres. Not sure who it will be yet, but Dorit will try to ruin someone for LVP this season before turning on her the next. And before you doubt my psychic abilities, please remember back a decade ago when I predicted that Bravo would eventually invent the show “Top Busboy” and then check your DVR for Vanderpump Rules.
James: These sluts just want crumbs from my busboy cake, but there’s only so much busboy cake to go around.
Me: Uh huh. Could you refill my bread basket, ya meth head poor person? KTHNX
Eileen picks up Rinna in an Uber XL that must be on a credit card Vinny hasn’t had the chance to max out yet. She’s dressed for the Studio 54 party, and she owes EJ a thank you card for the theme because it’s the best she’s ever looked. Ah, the 80’s. Before the pain of life split Eileen’s ends.
Rinna is wearing a Kyle before she started thinning wig, and I hope she whips her head around in circles and does the splits on the dance floor and gets stuck as a true f you homage. Wig prediction alert: wearing Kyle’s “golden decade” hair at the same party Kyle is actually attending is not a good sign for this friendship. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Goal Weight Kyle
One of Rinna’s kids (whose name I refuse to remember unless it’s GIGI) is a model now. Lisa says it happened “organically”, which I guess means without implants. That’s a huge step in this town. The kid’s getting some work and making those dollars, and good for her! I’m all for the plight of the privileged thin blonde white girl from Beverly Hills, but until she’s dating a Grammy winner named TMRRW or some shit, I’m not buying it. You can be in all the Teen People’s you want, but to Yolanda you’re still A Udda One. RIP Yolanda’s terrible parenting skills on TV. :(/yay No offense Yolanda.
Rinna doesn’t return the “how’s your family?” niceties, but I don’t blame her. There’s only so many times you can hear the same story about Vinny blowing an entire year of Days of Our Lives salary at a nickel machine in Palm Desert.
Rinna and Eileen both went to Studio 54 back in the day. Rinna remembers it because it’s where she met Iman and coincidentally, Eileen remembers it cuz it’s where she first asked Iman for an apology twelve times for no reason. Eileen remembers roller skating at the club and hopes there’s a rink in Pasadena so she can skate away from Vanderpump. Eileen was born with zero humor, but it’s sweet that she’s trying. And using conditioner. I’m so proud that I’ll stop myself from pointing out that skating rinks are circular, which would kinda just keep leading her back to the same spot.
Kyle and Mauri arrive at Villa Franzia and as much as I love to make fun of Kyle wearing goal sizes and feeling fat instead of realizing she’s fine the way she is (hugs!), she looks great. It’s the most fitting thing she’s ever worn. Figuratively, I mean. It’s a huge black feather jacket. She looks like The Raven.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. It was Kimbegging for her house back.
-Edgar Allen Ho
I know on my death bed it’s gonna be Kyle in a dress three sizes too small and a coat ten sizes too big that snuffs my ass out.
Kyle tells a super touching story about how her mom used to take her and Kim Twitchards to Studio 54 to party with Andy Warhol when Kyle was ten. It’s odd, considering all these years later Twitch is still partying with shallow aging gay dudes named Andy that have good coke. People try to pretend this isn’t the saddest most awkward story ever as Kyle tries to convince them that her mom just didn’t like “labels”. Is that why you sew “Size Zero Chanel” over your Dress Barn sixes? The tradition is strong with that family.
Dorit says “Obviously you had a recluse mother.” Dorit has no idea what that word means, even though she said it in a dozen accents. I kind of love her already, and I hate myself for it. Kyle lets it slide, as stupidity is obviously this woman’s nature. What are you gonna do, hit a baby every time it poops itself? It’s a baby! That was not a swipe at Ken.
Kyle explains that Big Kathy didn’t believe in traditional roles like casting directors don’t believe Kyle should get acting roles but Kyle can’t stop dreaming of dinner rolls. Kyle is like a giant poem tonight.
Knock knock knock on my door…
Pasadena at Erika’s party: Rubber whores dancing on boxes doing “pat the puss” while dancing to “Painkllr”. Like HBO dumbed itself down and made a whole Westworld full of Erikas that never get smart enough to rebel against the rich pimp masters that created them. I shouldn’t feel as sad as I do right now. The only thing that has made me feel sympathy for Erika Jayne was relating her to a high quality show on a different channel.
Plastic young twink faces attached to forty year old spray tanned bodies from the San Pedro/Gardena/Azuza areas flood in to kiss Erika on the cheek. Rinna is next, and she compliments Erika on all the giant disco balls hanging all over this foreign land. Erika growls “I love big balls”. We know. Thankfully, the decorator of this party wasn’t literally giving us Don Rickles’ balls with his design, otherwise they’d be all over the ground and people would be tripping over them.
Eileen has a gift for Erika that money can’t buy. Cuz Vinny gambled it all away. It’s a script from Young and the Restless. Erika’s not sure what she’s supposed to do with this lump of papers with typing on them, so Eileen explain squeals that Erika is gonna be on the show! And she can play whatever part she wants! It could be one day, two days, ten days. Could it be a better show? Thanks! Best birthday ever!
EJ jumps up and down growling and squeaking. Don Rickles tries to hide his anger that he bought this bitch a million dollar painting and an eighty thousand dollar panther head all for a pat on the head and a belly button poke, but he can’t. He’ll be yelling really loudly at a maid tonight.
Rinna softens the blow by cooing over Erika being able to have a giant party and play her own music. “You hit the jackpot!”, she tells Erika. Erika ignores Rinna’s obvious “congrats on marrying an old person rich enough to buy you a career” comment. She’s gonna be on YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, BITCHES! Don turns red and grinds his dentures before muttering that he’s the lucky one in this relationship. Aw. You can buy diamond lube, but at the end of the night you’re just stuck with a tacky, expensive mess that leaves you cold on the inside. HUGS.
Erika’s never been legit happy like this, and it’s awkward. She tells the girls that her grandmother loved soaps, and she’s named after Erica Kayne. I would point out the multiple misspellings going on there, but I love a good Meemaw story that makes no sense at all.
Vanderpump and Kyle arrive. Kyle goes off to look for someone to send to hell in her Raven outfit and LVP beelines to Don Rickles. “Where’s your Studio 54 outfit, dahling? Are you Studio 54 underneath the suit?” He turns red and giggles like a lovestruck teenager, not realizing that Studio 54 is a forgotten club that’s been turned into a musical theater house. The sound of sad horns playing while Erika Jayne sexbots gyrate blankly.
Rinna checks in with a stressed out and miserable Eileen. They reassure each other that they’re ok, as if Vanderpump actually did anything to them ever. What if she comes up and ASKS US A QUESTION OMG. Rinna has a super positive attitude. So positive that you worry she’s gonna snap and run people over in crosswalks with her new Tesla. She tells Eileen that she can’t control how Vanderpump acts, only how she herself reacts. Oh man, I can’t wait to see the fireworks when LVP says something awful like “Hello how are you after everything Ken and I did for you dahling?”
Rinna decides to prove her self help mettle to Eileen by marching right up to Vanderpump in her Kyle wig and saying hi. She compliments LVP’s outfit and traffic cone hair and gushes “We went for it tonight!” Vanderpump pouts “You always go for it.” Good one! Rinna tries again and asks if V is well. “I’m well. Well as I can be after you stabbed me through my spirit and tried to break me by calling me out for my good nature, you heathen! Would you like to punch me in the face right now? Or shall I call Erika Jayne’s dog over for you to stab in the heart and turn into taco meat like the MONSTERS OF YULIN?” Fall to the floor.
Rinna’s like erm…
She reminds herself to react positively and decides to take Vanderpump’s “ya neva call, ya never write” guilt trip as a compliment. “Good! We can take the piss again! That’s what we’re good at!” It’s like a Welcome mat realizing it looks better with muddy shoe prints on it. Eileen figures she’ll ride the waves of Rinna’s good natured attempts and slinks up to Vanderpump, who turns away and gives her the back of her triangle head. LOL. Eileen looks at the cameras like “See? She’s an asshole,” which is true. But this time you earned it. Enjoy that crow, betch. No, not Kyle. Please stop trying to eat Kyle.
Crazy ass Dorit is trying to ingratiate herself with the girls by speaking nonsense in different accents. She’s like a Japanese overdub already and it’s only episode one. Rinna laughs big and tells Dorit not to listen too much to what Vanderpump says about her, and Vanderpump starts dripping blood from her mouth as if she was just stabbed all over again. Dorit laughs and assures Rinna “I’m my own woman with moi own MOIND!” Like Ramona Singer trying to play Act One Eliza Doolittle.
Rinna tells Vanderpump “Good to see you” and LVP responds “Yes.” HAHAHAHAH. Good Lord. Eileen isn’t pleased that she just got dissed by the queen, and shrugs it off. Sure, maybe she’ll be able to stomach Lisa V again. It’s like Vietnam. Yes, we lost a lot of our brave young men in a war with their country, but now we go there for vacation. Interesting Eileen uses that comparison, cuz Vietnam won that war. Eileen’s nonsense burns are killing it so far this year.
No food has been served yet, but Erika Jayne says no one at her party would care. Oh, honey. In Los Angeles no one would care. This is Pasadena. They care. Before I can even make up a mean shitty thing to say, the scene is subtitled. Kyle: Where’s the food? HAHAH!! Sometimes I feel like this show is writing me a personal love letter. Vanderpump and Eileen are both feeling totally victimized and Kyle is dressed like a bird of death and begging for carbs. Happy Valentines Day!
Eileen and Rinna meet up again to reassure each other that they both did great with the evil Vanderpump. Meanwhile, Mauricio stares with his mouth open at the possibly transgender Erika Jayne bots patting their tuck jobs on boxes while Kyle begs busboys in white girl English for some microwave pizza. Erkia finally gets some time with Dorit, who insists that BOY LOVES YOU! Erika’s like woah. He’s an icon and HE KNOWS WHO I AM? He’s a broke down queen with a Pharrell hat and cable. We all know who you are. Calm down. We also all know who Flo the Progressive Lady is. It’s not gonna make our music better.
Erika’s mom is brought in as a birthday gift, and Erika’s less excited to see her than the Chagall. She tells everyone that her mom always celebrated “the creativity within”. Within what? You literally rub your gina lips on YouTube in videos paid for by an old dude’s money. If only Kyle’s mom were here to share a line with your mom.
The cake finally comes out, and Kyle isn’t pleased with it. Or she’s thrilled with it. I honestly can’t tell. She swallowed it like a snake swallowing a hamster. As she nods off for a post binge nap, Vanderpump decides that Eileen et all are probably very upset that she’s still a part of the cast, but they can suck a dick because she’s back. And she’s stronger than ever! Then she wobbles onto the dance floor and does the mash potato.
I am so glad these hags are back in my life. Here’s to another season, dahlings! Oh and in general, no offense, Yolanda.