Hey Trashies! It’s that time of year again, time to fire up the yule log and get down with a nice hot toddy; you got it, baby, it’s the premiere of VPR season 6, yeah! Not to give anything away, but this season starts off with a bang. I’ll say no more, due to the fact that that’s pretty much all there is to it.
But first, Stassi looked gorgeous on WWHL, although sadly, there was no love match between her and that Shep guy who has his own show with the really excellent title.
Okay! Let’s get started, shall we?
We open with a spicy little montage involving Jax having possibly, maybe, definitely cheated on Brit-Brit. Then we move on to SUR, where Lisa confirms that Jax has been 100,000,000% faithful. He tells us that he and KFC are doing a lot better lately, now that they’re not currently taking Kentucky.
In case y’all missed the first season of Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, there was much deep fried frog-leg-‘n’-Velveeta chompin’, a big ol’ mess o’ fishbowl-swillin’, and a freaky little Hispanic dude speaking in Pentecostal-ish tongues, then Jax threw around a lot of hilarious “white trash” jokes, and left Brit-Brit down there to cool her heels and think about what she’d done. (Ask her momma.)
Jax reports that since then, things have been going great. Brit-Brit’s been “getting off her couch and going to the gym”, never mind what Jax has been doing, and side chick Mamaw’s on the back burner indefinitely; or at least until Jax ‘n’ Brit ever travel together again.
A lot’s been going on with the gang since we last checked in: Shceanananaannna is sOOOOO fucking happy right now!
She’s in such a great place right now, dating Robert “Parks” Valetta, whom she boinked for a good chunk of time before, and after, her marriage to Shay (but definitely not during), and all is right with the world. Once she gets that piece of paper — you know, the one that says she’s not technically cheating on Shay anymore — she hopes to snag Mr. Scheanashay No.2, and set up a new display at the Gallery.
So no way, TomTom is on like Wreck-it-Ralph!
Lisa is working the wheels, and has got these two dummies agreeing to pony up $100,000 each, to be “minor partners” in her big sex-shoppe conversion venture.
Ariana has cut her hair, yay! It’s so fun right now, Sandy jacks off to it on a near-constant basis.
So it turns out Schehana got in the line of fire of some rage texting from Katie. Apparently she gave Katie the compliment that she has no friends, but ever the ungracious receiver, Katie downed a vat of tequila and went over the bend.
So there is Scheana, telling Ariana how great she feels not to be Katie’s only friend anymore, when Katie comes whiffling through the tuggly wood, burbling and everything. Shceana lets her know that she’s not invited to her masquerade birthday party on Friday.
They exchange words, with Scheaacacahn saying, “You’re so mean, God,” and Katie responding, “One minute you’re one of my best friends, you’re a bridesmaid at my wedding, for God’s sake. Then I black out, and the next thing I know, you hate me. WTF is your problem?!”
Once that’s over, ScheananaaaaaanaaaAAAA is off, to have this exact same conversation with Stassi. Ariana says, “Count me out,” as duckface doesn’t really go with a pageboy do.
Now a very exciting plot development occurs: Sandy completely trashes Lisa and Ken and the whole TomTom deal to Ariana, with Lisa and Ken eavesdropping from another table just around the bend. Table 7 happens to be out of sight, but Sandy becomes telepathically aware of their presence, and starts grimacing and pointing to Ariana that they should zip it. Ruh-roh!
During this little faux pas, we learn that Ariana thinks Tom should be taken seriously as a businessman, because he and Schwa took a little “research” trip to Colorado, with Jax in tow, to see if they could incorporate marijuana into their drink-mixing at TomTom. It turns out they can’t, since barhopping is not technically a “medicinally therapeutic” activity, but they had a really wiggy time trying.
On to Stassi’s apartment. Stassi loves her bigger, better place, but there’s no central AC, so she’s invited Katie over to set up a portable unit. Katie tells Stassi that for no particular reason, Shceana uninvited her to her birthday party, conveniently leaving out all the crap they put Scheana through last season during their group-anglerfish blackout. Katie and Stassi cannot believe what an asshole Scheana is being! How dare she not just lie down and take it, what an evil bitch.
Stassi and Patrick are back together. At least, it feels like they’re back together, but Stassi can’t tell with the lights out. Katie says it had really better be okay this time, or she will personally send Patrick a very large rage tea towel. Then she shares that married life is totally different from single life, in that their goals have melded, and they’re now headed, together as one, to that big enchilada in the sky.
Stassi says taking 7 months off really changed things for sex. “Maybe I’ll finally take it up the ass,” she says hopefully.
On to James’ apartment. Since Raquel has been out of town, James has brought his cute gay bestie Logan over, for some sleepovers and whatnot.
So Logan and James do everything together; they play together, pick up guys and/or gals together, they even “grab a cookie” together before Raquel gets there (*snicker*).
Raquel has been away at college for about two months, and James is ready for her big return — he’s got the balloons, a welcome sign, and most importantly, he’s changed out his old rug that had stains on it, including one debatable stain which shall go unnamed.
Yes sirree, just when things are cranked up to about an 11, Raquel arrives, and poor Logan is booted out to fend for himself.
Meanwhile, the Toms have gathered at TomTom for their meeting with Lisa and Ken. Sandy waxes poetic about the details he’s incorporated into his vision, such as nostalg-ee-a.
He tells Schwa he’s concerned it’s just going to be Ken and Lisa running the show, then admits to getting caught talking smack at SUR. Schwa asks, “Is this is an issue we’re going to have to address, or should we just pretend it never happened?” Just then, Lisa and Ken walk in.
Ken tells the Toms they’ve decided to put a second-floor kitchen in the joint. Sandy starts flipping out, but then Lisa tells him the concept is going to be “romantic industrial” (as opposed to “pretty”), with some “minor pretty details” (say, about 10%), so they’d better get with the programme.
Sandy wants to know if it’s going to be comfortable, at least. Ken assures him it will be, thanks to a staircase that will lead to the kitchen, so the servers won’t have to jump. Sandy starts bitching, but Lisa tells him there’s no choice, the kitchen goes upstairs. When Ken tells Sandy the bathrooms will be “over there”, he freaks out. “Are you f*ing kidding me?!” he shouts.
Lisa interviews, “What were we thinking? Thirty three restaurants without Sandoval. How the f*ck did we do it?”
Sandy asks, “Is the patio going to be…”
“Outside?” cracks Lisa.
Schwa tries to smooth Lisa’s ruffled feathers, but the next thing you know, she’s bringing up all the stuff she overheard at SUR the night before. Sandy sputters, “You said you were leaving, then purposely hid behind the thing at table 7, so you could eavesdrop!” Lisa says, “Are you accusing me?” Sandy says he was working under the assumption that they were alone, so it shouldn’t count. So there.
Lisa says she needs the weekend to think things over. Yeeesh.
Now the gang is getting ready for Scheana’s masquerade party. Over at Katie and Toms, those two lovebirds are trying on masks, when Stassi pops by. It turns out Scheana invited Schwa to her party, and he said yes. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Meanwhile, over at Jax and Brit’s, Jax realizes they’re out of beer, and runs down the hall…
… to Katie and Schwartz’s!
Stassi spills that she’s back with Patrick, and they all laugh at her. Then Schwa says they should put a hex on Scheana, so everybody takes a picture of her bad side. Stassi explains that all of Scheana’s pics are from the same angle, and hell for her is being photographed on her “bad side”.
Over at Scheana’s, we see that the gallery has changed displays from wedding pics to gigantic blowups of just Schænə. Shay’s little room (?) is now her bedroom, and the master bedroom is now a huge walk-in closet. And now we learn that everything about Robert Valetta is bigger and better — good to know.
Over at Jax and Brit’s, Jax tells KFC she looks bomb-diggety. Meanwhile, Tom and Ariana have moved on to the very serious credenza-buying stage of their relationship and are going masquerade balls-to-the-wall, when Sandy says something very interesting. He says he heard a rumor that Faith told his friend Adam that she’s slept with — or been sleeping with — Jax.
Time for the party!
The gang files in, and things go deliciously, horribly wrong, in that special VPR way we’ve longed for and missed.
But first, a little schmoozing: we learn that Jax ‘n’ James are friends now, and world peace and all that. Kristen thinks Scheana needs to pump the brakes a little, because she’s not looking for a new boyfriend, she’s looking for a new husband. Lisa meets Robert “Parks” Valetta and threatens to chop his bollocks off if he hurts her girl. And Shceana says for the last ten years, Rob is all she’s wanted, which renders Lisa gobsmacked; what was all that “it’s like the first time, uhhhh-mazing” business at the wedding?!
Meanwhile, Faith is over with Jax and Brit, telling Brit she looks hot.
Elsewhere, Stassi and Katie have date night with Schwa, then he’s off to the ball.
Now things finally start to heat up. Detective Sandy approaches Jax, and asks him about the rumor, while James has a little sit-down with Faith.
So. Apparently, Jax DM-ed Faith off of Twitter (as they do), to say he wanted to see her. She happened to be providing live-in care for a 95 year old lady at the time, and she invited him right over. It happened so fast! He was sucking her toes, and her legs were up, and he didn’t have a condom, and he asked, “Are you on birth control?” and the old lady was just sleeping right there, “snaaarrggghh” with her mouth open, while those two were going hog-wild, right there in front of her, good Lord almighty…
And that’s not all. No, it’s even bigger than that — get ready for it — she hasn’t had her period yet. Ooh snap, Baby Jax alert.
Meanwhile, SURver Jesse is over with KFC, telling her about the rumor. Schwa pops by, and helpfully says he hasn’t heard that rumor, but if he did, he’d cover for Jax. Jax goes over to Faith and asks her to let them know that the rumor is not true. She says, “Are you serious?” and he squeaks, “Are you kidding me right now?” in that reedy falsetto he gets when he’s lying through his teeth.
“I don’t want to believe it, but I do,” says Jesse. Lisa feels like she’s in the twilight zone. Brit-Brit goes off the bend, and says if it’s true, she’ll drop-kick both their asses and be done.
And that’s where we leave it for now, Trashies.
This season on VPR: dancing, Mexico, skanks, skanks, ‘n’ mo’ skanks, screaming and phone destruction — stay tuned!
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