Hey, y’all. What’d I miss? Oh yeah … Ryan dug up an idol while people went all Hunger Games around him for nothing. And Mike showed us all that not only does he prescribe testosterone, he actually has some himself. Oh, and this happened:
Au revoir, Kmart Hemsworth.
Chrissy’s feeling good that the plan to get rid of Cole worked. For once, she and Joe agree: Mike was super dumb to play his useless idol.
Mike interviews that he had valid reasons to use the idol: he didn’t want to go home with the idol in his pocket, and he knew he could piss everyone off at tribal to draw all the Joe votes to him and use his idol to deflect them. Now, Mike has a strong Healer ally and a two-person voting bloc to offer for future votes. As the seven-person alliance inevitably splits, people will want Mike’s and Joe’s two votes to blindside alliance members.
DAY 25 REWARD CHALLENGE!
aka, another opportunity for Probst to question his life choices
Players have to build a little castle with blocks and even put a flag on it … only using their feet.
Ta-da! Daniel Day Lewis could have done this with one foot.
The reward is an seaplane tour of Fiji and then burgers, fries and beer.
Probst just one-upped JP’s first date = tri-tip salad and beach bonfire. Devon has made his choice.
The challenge is pretty gross, unless you have a foot fetish. We get close-ups of every player’s feet, again and again.
What’s next? Belly button lint digging?
Lauren wins, after battling it out with Mike and Ashley for the lead. She takes Devon with her on reward, of course, and then chooses Ben and Ashley. Probst asks Ryan if he feels like a choad, since he’s an original Hustler like Devon but Lauren left him out. Ryan “supports” Lauren’s choices, pointing out that Devon’s a big guy who needs the calories and Ashley and Ben have never been on a reward.
The rewardees fly by their tribe beach on their way to burgers, to add insult to injury. However, I would argue that the plane riders are the injured party.
Enjoy this fruit salad appetizer!
Mike interviews that, though he’s bummed he’s stuck with Chrissy, Ryan and JP at home while the others are off eating his-to-win cheeseburgers, he and Joe can yuk it up like “Siskel and Ebert”. Oh, Mike … I think you mean pretty much any other on-screen couple. The two do, in fact, make lots of jokes, including calling themselves The Coconuts, since Joe is Dominican and Mike works with testicles.
Next on the strip stage at Ocho Rios Sandals Resort, for your dad-bod pleasure, ladies, The Coconuts!
Chrissy and Ryan decide that after Joe and Mike get kicked to the curb in the next two votes, Ben should be the next one out.
At the reward beach, strategery commences. Lauren gets Devon to spill the beans about Ryan’s idol and subsequent betrayal of telling Ben about it, and Lauren shares the info about her advantage. Lauren warns Ben that the others want to get rid of him and his potential winning story, so they need to vote out Chrissy, JP or Ryan to knock out their sub-alliance BEFORE kicking off Joe or Mike. Someone looks in the burger buns baskets and they find letters from their loved ones. Sob, sob, sob. Everyone feels doubly lucky to have been chosen for this reward.
The next morning, Ben’s off by himself, re-reading the family letters he received at the reward the previous day, and on his way back down some random hill, he “finds” an idol clue. How fortuitous!
At least this clue requires a third-grade reading level.
Ben does indeed find the idol with a little looking and he thanks his wife for helping him find the idol. Is he married to one of the producers of this show?
Castaways have the option of sitting out and eating peanut butter and chocolate or fighting for immunity by balancing on a triangular floating platform in the water.
Nice and simple.
These three are about to start their periods, so they give zero eff’s about immunity if peanut butter and chocolate are on the table.
Ashley wins immunity! Mike gave her a run for her money, but Probst’s constant goading about his disgustingly dirty yellow shirt set off his OCD so Mike had to jump into the ocean to CLEANSE.
Back at camp, the alliance of seven agrees to have the girls (three) vote for Joe and the boys (four) vote for Mike. Then Devon – DEVON! – comes up with a major blindside plan. He asks Ben if he’d be willing to vote for Mike, while Lauren and Ashley get Mike and Joe to vote however they say to blindside JP, Ryan or Chrissy. If Ben votes for Mike, then whoever is left of Chrissy, JP and Ryan will come to Ben, not realizing he’s part of the new Lauren Alliance since he followed the original plan and voted for Mike, and share information with him. This is a good one. Didn’t know you had it in ya, Devon. Lauren and Ashley get Mike and Joe on board easily. Mike gleefully interviews that his prediction of a split came true, and that the court jester has become Merlin.
“Merlin” performed magic at bar mitzvahs to pay his way through med school.
DAY 27 TRIBAL!
Jury: Desiree wore her bathrobe and Cole wore his long johns.
Guess they’re ready for bed.
Everyone laughs about The Coconuts (the sitcom’s NOT going to happen folks) and then Probst asks Ryan if the two vote bloc is a threat to the alliance of seven. Ryan says absolutely not. A long conversation develops that just proves that Ryan, Chrissy and JP still have no idea that the others have allied with Joe and Mike, who play dumb beautifully.
VOTE TIME! It’s a true blindside. Though JP doesn’t show much emotion, as is his wont, Chrissy is obviously devastated and so is Ryan.
Gimli? Legolas? Et tu?
It’s JP! Since Ben “played his part” so well, and voted for Mike, he continues to play dumb when they get back to camp. Chrissy has questions, and no one is answering them. She’s truly hurt. Ryan acts gracious but is scrambling mentally to figure out how to get out of this mess. Ben continues his race for the Oscar and asks why JP was chosen, but interviews that he’s secretly pissed at Joe for trying to take the credit for the idea. Later, Ben whispers with Lauren and Ashley about the future: Ben’s going to get Ryan to play his idol at the next tribal and share what Chrissy and Ryan are thinking with Lauren, Ashley and Devon.
Ryan talks with Devon at the fire and Devon comes clean that he felt betrayed that Ryan told Ben about the idol. They have a very calm, rational conversation about it. Devon interviews that Ryan is no longer a part of his plan to get to the end, even though he was allied with Ryan since Day 1. Ryan is sad.
Devon has a new, better bromance tho.
Devon and Ben discuss who should go next. Devon wants Chrissy to go because she’s a bigger challenge threat than Joe. Devon’s super happy his “big move” worked and now he’s the boss.
DAY 28 REWARD CHALLENGE! The reward is showers, massages, chicken wraps, key lime pie, and pecan pie. Pecan pie is gross. No one knows how to pronounce it correctly, and it’s basically Karo corn syrup and testicle nuts. No surprise – Ben’s super excited about the pecan pie. He also likes bone-in ribeye, though, so there’s no accounting for taste.
I don’t think I would eat you even if I was Survivor starving.
It’s another water/heavy bags of blocks/puzzle challenge (what, no obstacle course???), but in this one, they’re divided randomly into two teams of four. It’s Lauren, Ryan, Mike and Chrissy against Ben, Joe, Devon and Ashley. The highlight of the challenge for me is Mama Bear kicking ass and taking names for the red team because she’s stronger than the rest of her team put together.
By the power of mammary glands!
All of Lauren’s hard work is for naught, though, because the other team ekes out a win even after Chrissy and Mike’s brain power can’t quite catch up during the puzzle challenge finale. At the spa reward, Ben hams it up, playing the wounded party while Joe laughs at his misfortune. Ashley’s interview hints at things to come as she commends Ben on his acting performance but then ominously says he’s a threat since he’s such a good player.
Ryan and Mike go to get water at the well back at the tribe beach. Ryan casually pleads with Mike, trying to get Mike to work with him. Mike basically says that karma’s a bitch and Ryan should have worked with him the last seventeen times Mike asked him. Mike interviews that Ryan is “a buck late and a dollar short”. Oh, Mike. You’re like a cyborg who keeps getting all the pop culture idioms wrong.
Must. Download. E!. News.
Chrissy works on Lauren but that ain’t going anywhere. The next morning, Chrissy’s in a real funk and Mike checks on her to make sure nothing’s really wrong. He sits down and chats with her and with that, two things happen for me. 1. I really like Mike.
He has great bamboo-side manner.
2. I really feel bad for Chrissy – never thought that would happen. She bucks up after a little rice and a self pep talk.
Day 30 IMMUNITY CHALLENGE! It looks like this:
There’s the obstacle course I haven’t been waiting for!
The castaways have to use the world’s shittiest wheelbarrow to carry a pot over and through obstacles and then use the key in the pot to unlock letters and unscramble letters to form a twelve-letter word (INVULNERABLE). The lead goes back and forth, but Chrissy unscrambles words like nobody’s business, so Chrissy wins immunity, when she needs it most. She’s thrilled, jumping up and down and I am begrudgingly happy for her.
Don’t make me take that back, Mayor McCheese.
Devon, Ben, Lauren and Ashley decide that Joe is the next to go. Later, Devon comes up with another plan to make this work: they’ll tell Mike and Joe that Lauren’s using her extra vote tonight so Devon, Mike and Joe will vote for Ryan and Lauren (and her extra vote) and Ashley will vote for Ben, to try and get Ryan to use his idol. In reality, they’ll all just vote for Joe and Lauren will keep her extra vote.
Meanwhile, Ben meets with Ryan and Chrissy and they decide to vote out Ashley or Devon. Ryan’s pissed that two 25 year old surfers tricked the three of them.
How can a bellhop be so righteously indignant about surfers?
Ben encourages Ryan to use his idol at tribal, because at least that guarantees he gets to Day 31, and he plays sad about possibly getting rid of Ashley, one of his original tribe members. Ben interviews that he has his own idol to consider, but he’s not playing it tonight because he’s not worried. Lauren and Ashley discuss Ben’s superhero status and the possibility to blindside Ben tonight instead. They’d like to go for it, but they need Devon on board. Ashley talks with Devon, but he’s unsure and it’s time for
TRIBAL! Lots of meaningless chatter that supports Ben as a outsider from the alliance. Joe and Mike are cocky and happy tools, which is entertaining. Later on, Mike uses a “two surgeons go into two operating rooms” analogy regarding the strength of his five-person alliance — and it actually makes sense, so I’m proud of him. Time to vote! Ryan does use his idol to save himself. IT’S JOE! I’m glad that Devon and Ashley didn’t betray Ben. Ben actually dances in his seat after Probst makes the announcement. I’m sure Ben’s relieved that he can finally put the script down. I hope he finds a way to make it to the final three, because Ben WILL win if he does.
Burn level: Expert
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