I don’t know if this week’s episode can top last week’s fight extravaganza, but there’s only one way to find out – let’s dive on in.
Don’t forget to put on your heaviest eyelashes
In Georgia, Molly is doing some wedding planning in a shirt that I assume is advertising her bra business.
At first I thought it only said “no bust” and was VERY confused
It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon – much like Nicole, Luis is sleeping in a little bit. Molly is perturbed that Luis was out strippering so late instead of rushing home to pretend like he cares at all about planning the wedding.
Is “gypped” okay to say? It feels weird.
Apparently, Luis didn’t roll on home until 3 in the morning; but don’t worry, he has a good excuse.
I’m trying that next time I want a day off of work.
Luis had such a fun time last night, and in fact it was the MOST fun he’s had in America yet! I am really worried that now he’s been to Atlanta there’s no way he’ll be content living in Woodstock, but we’ll see. Molly asks what he got up to, and he tells her he saw only one stripper and she was sooooo far away – although the confessional story is slightly different.
SO many things
Don’t get used to having fun, Luis – it’s back to being an unpaid nanny for you! Also, their wedding is in TWO WEEKS.
Off to sunny California, where David and Annie still have 87 of their 90 days left. Man, it feels like their storyline has been going on for years already, I can’t believe it’s only been three days! They’re meeting up with Chris and Nikki so David can apologize for being the wooooooorst; even though he doesn’t remember what happened.
If you don’t remember, it doesn’t count.
He’s optimistic that things will be fine with Chris and Nikki once he apologizes, and says that so far things are amazing. You know, in the maybe 24 hours since the fight happened.
Annie blink twice if you need help
Conversation starts off light, with Annie giving a run-down of her sex shop sightseeing.
Oh my Buddha – for real
Casually, Chris guides Annie on to the topic of the party and how shitty David is. David musters up a lackluster apology, but he had all of yesterday to apologize and didn’t, as Nikki points out.
David 100% just eye murdered her.
There are conflicting versions of the party, but both come from David. He doesn’t remember what happened, but also he was trying to be funny, or he was just joking, but also he can’t remember anything – who’s Antonio again? Chris says “well, you are a funny guy”.
Funny HOW, Chris
There’s no resolution, and David denies he has a drinking problem. Ultimately, Nikki says she’ll throw David out if he’s a drunken fool again, but Annie can stay with them. Once again, David’s “too blessed to be stressed” mask slips for a second, and you can clearly see that he’s one bad day away from poisoning all these people.
Don’t make me.
Moving from the West coast to the East, Andrei is going golfing with Elizabeth’s dad. Mr. Chuck has picked the only sport that he could beat Andrrrrei at.
I’m surprised he even carried his clubs that far.
This golf game is just a really fun excuse for Mr. Chuck to say that Elizabeth needs a Mercedes and big house to be happy, and can Andrei really provide that? The situation is even worse because her sisters made sure to marry super rich dudes.
Rude! Oh, you meant the rich husbands.
Since Andrei didn’t ask Mr. Chuck for Elizabeth’s hand in marriage, and I guess that’s still a thing people do in Florida, Mr. Chuck has decided he will not pay for any of the wedding. This is going to make the dynamic between Elizabeth and her sisters even better, I’m sure. Andrei is fine with that because he has some savings, so he carries Mr. Chuck’s golf clubs (in either a weird power play from Chuck or because Chuck’s too weak to do it himself) and they awkwardly walk off the driving range.
This has been fun.
Over in the apple capitol of the world, Evelyn is practicing guitar in a sweater that is….well. It sure is a sweater.
Her mom comes in to fold laundry and have a “birds and the bees” talk that is so uncomfortable my hair is tingling. Evelyn’s main question is “how do you get to be comfortable with each other because it seems uncomfortable and unnatural to even be naked”. Wow.
Evelyn’s mom doesn’t actually give out much concrete info, just that penises are made for vaginas and that’s a beautiful thing.
It turns out that David doesn’t want Evelyn to talk to her mother – or ANYONE – about sex, and David has only talked to his family about sexy times on one occasion, when he was 12. This plot is getting strange.
It’s crunch time (figuratively) in Morocco – they only have five days left, and after yesterday’s street brawl it’s unclear what the relationship’s status is.
Oh, we know.
Azan has donned a plum athleisure suit in case he has to make a break for it again.
They have another circuitous argument that can really just be summed up thus:
THIS IS THEIR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP
The seed of all their problems is that Nicole is a screaming monster and Azan avoids conflict and is perpetuating this sham of a relationship. And also Nicole’s cheating. But don’t worry, they’re going to make it work!
A weird stock synth beat suddenly starts playing, which can mean only one thing – Girl’s Night!
In Tampa, Andrei is suddenly furious but doesn’t know why.
Nikki has taken Annie out to dinner and dancing. And to tell her what a shithole Kentucky is. Well, and also and to hit her with the truth bomb that those water buffalo David bought in Thailand – he didn’t really buy. Chris paid for one of the tiny Thai water buffalo. Not to be out truth bombed, Annie tells Nikki something she didn’t know: Chris co-sponsoring the K-1 visa means that he (and Nikki) are legally financially responsible for Annie for 10 years.
Girl’s Night! Woo!
Get your mullets ready, it’s time for lingerie shopping with Evelyn.
That is quite a lewk
Evelyn thinks it must be weird for Mikayla that she, Evelyn, is about to have sex for the first time. I’m sure I’m personally very affected by sexual escapades of my friends. I don’t know though, Evelyn may be right – Mikayla did seem somewhat scandalized by Evelyn’s choices.
The subject of David’s “no sex talk” comes up again – which David will surely be thrilled to see – Evelyn picks out her lingerie, and they’re off.
Ooh la la
In sunny Florida, Andrei and Elizabeth are jogging and both are looking great, actually.
Cue “You’re Beautiful”
Since they’re paying for the wedding themselves now, Elizabeth’s dream scenario of getting married on top of a mountain while it snows (in Florida?) after being hauled up there in a white carriage is off the table.
They decide to just get married in two weeks, so Andrei can start working and they can prove her stupid dad wrong; then in a year after they save up they’ll have her ridiculous snow mountain wedding or what have you.
Back in L.A., Nikki and Chris are taking David out for dinner, sans Annie.
This is the first non-flowing linen garment I’ve seen him wear, and it’s still weird.
Nikki’s blood is boiling with her new knowledge of the depth of their co-sponsorship of Annie, and she has had more than enough of David.
It’s time for David’s vacation to be over. Well, his L.A. vacation anyway – he’s going to Kentucky to live in one of Chris’ other houses and drive one of Chris’ other cars. Life will be hard for him, but at least he gets one more free meal out of it.
“Can I get a steak to go? “
After David finishes his 20 ounce filet, he’s out of there, vowing to prove Nikki’s wrong about him.
“I doubt it”
In Morocco, Nicole has taken the time out of her busy slamming Azan into buildings schedule to FaceTime grandma Robbalee.
Nice of her to let grandma know May’s still alive
They chat about Azan, and the difference between being a father figure and a father – step one, maybe don’t have May call him Daddy immediately. The fighting between them is worrying Robbalee, and she asks Nicole if she’s willing to put up with Azan distrusting her forever just because she cheated on him and broke his trust.
Nicole brushes off her mom’s concerns – and besides, what relationship hasn’t had its ups and downs?
“Literal ups and downs, mom. Moroccan stairwells are no joke!”
Meanwhile (approximately) in Georgia, Molly wants Luis and the kids to do a fun bonding activity together – ice cream time! There’s nothing more fun than sitting on a porch in the summer while ice cream drips all over your fiance’s children who no accept you.
Someone enroll this kid in ice cream school, stat!
Luis wants no part of cleaning off Kensley, he’s having more fun trying to provoke her into committing light rocking chair vandalism.
Molly needs Luis to step up, but he’s losing motivation (and will to live?) by the second, and gives her an ultimatum.
Luis would rather be sleeping than hanging out with Molly and her damn kids, and he says as much.
Even further south, Elizabeth and her family are shopping for a wedding dress, and she’s sprung the news on them that her wedding has been bumped up a little. A lot. It’s in two weeks.
Elizabeth’s mom and sisters aren’t thrilled about the ramped up wedding timetable, but because they’re women and this is a wedding store, their priorities are mainly squealing about wedding dresses.
With a side of criticism.
One of Elizabeth’s interchangeable sisters asks for the gazillionth time if she’s sure, really sure, really really SURE sure that she wants to marry Andrei in two weeks. Really? Sure? Elizabeth is not only really sure, she’s really tired of her family not appreciating the fairy tale romance that is Elizabeth and Andrei.
One last stop to Morocco this episode, and Azan is asking his infinitely patient aunt for relationship advice.
Azan really likes to quantify feelings.
Since Azan’s Aunt’s husband was an Italian man, she has experience with marrying a foreigner. The difference is that Auntie’s husband respected Moroccan culture and…what’s it called…made an effort? Azan would be moving to America, and honestly prospects there seem bleak.
Azan’s aunt assures him things will be fine, unless they aren’t.
Did you think we’d get through this episode without Josh and Aika? Wrong!
Aika wants kids NOW, and really they need to hurry before all her eggs shrivel up and fall out. Is that what happens? It doesn’t matter when Aika wants to have kids though, because Josh neglected to tell Aika some vital info.
It was at one of those low-cost mobile neuter stations.
Josh claims it’ll be tens of thousands of dollars to get un-fixed, but Aika doesn’t care how much it costs; just get them balls unsnipped! The second ultimatum of the episode comes from Aika to Josh: kids or else.
“Also real wine next time; I’m tired of cranberry juice.”
If the thought of Josh and Aika bringing a tiny life into the world wasn’t depressing enough, let’s check in on David and Annie one more time. They’ve arrived in Louisville with varying levels of excitement.
Guess who’s more enthused here?
Annie thought all of America was luxurious like New York or L.A., so imagine her surprise when David shows her their new home – an abandoned fire station!
With a pre-slept-in bed, fancy!
Poor Annie. Oh well, back to Florida.
Elizabeth and Andrei are planning their not-dream wedding. It’s like, a power nap wedding. I don’t really understand why they’re spending money on it at all if they’re just going to have another one in a year, but what do I know.
No logic, please!
The happy couple sit on a bench while Andrei looks progressively more uncomfortable in his tiny shorts and shirt buttoned up to his adam’s apple.
Is this his casual gear?
Stress is really starting to get to them – I guess family members actively rooting for the demise of a relationship will do that to you. Andrrrrei wants nothing to do with the sisters, but Elizabeth still wants them in the wedding even though they’ve said they want to take her phone away and provoke Andrei into..well, I don’t know. I don’t think they thought that part through.
Last stop on the train of infinite sorrow is Evelyn making David a muy authentico Spanish meal – quesadillas!
Step one: Put on apron.
After David pretends to like the quesadillas, things get weird. Real weird.
“I was just waiting till we’re alone. Just me, David, and four camera men.”
Evelyn hints at her nervousness about the “s” word, and even mentions intimacy, which trips someone sort of freak-out switch inside of David.
Don’t have to AKA not going to, you can’t make me.
David straight up starts sweating; he compulsively pats the hair by his temples, and stammers that he’ll just talk to Evelyn’s pastor. About sex. He gets up and walks out of the room only to come right back in, presumably shoved by a producer.
The bottom line is, David doesn’t want to talk about sex – not now, not ever. Not even in Virginia. Okay, maybe in Virginia.
And just like that, the episode’s over! What’s the deal with Spanish David? Will Azan and Nicole make it? Will Josh get unfixed? What was going on in that creepy fire station in Kentucky before David and Annie got there? Tune in next week and find out!
Good night, sleep tight; don’t let the Toborowskies bite.
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