Hello and welcome, back from Thanksgiving. I am sorry that I thought there was a new episode last week, I clearly cannot read a TV schedule because when I tuned into Bravo to hear about cake and lack of stepkid love all I saw was Jennifer Lopez as the prettiest maid in all of Manhattan. Before we dive in though a little housekeeping, I am sure we have all heard Grandpa Eyebrows is in the hospital, hopefully he is feeling better and is on his toes cooking in no time. ALSO, the seating chart for the reunion has been released, which we all know is the tea leaves for next season. It sounds like Andy is flanked on either side by Teresa and Melissa. Next to Melissa is Siggy with and Dolores on the end. Lady Marge is sharing a sofa with OJ from NJ, interesting indeed.
We start this week still at the retreat from hell and this time we get to see Siggy’s reaction to Lady Marge’s impression. Melissa knows role playing and she doesn’t think this is the same happy ending she gives Joe complete with a sandwich at the end. Siggy’s turn now and uh…
Who has a heart? Who has a soul?
Girl I know you are
All while Borloress giggles behind her hands because of the sick burns Siggy just laid down. To be fair she cleared most of her anger when she tried to assault her at the pizza place so I guess her lame no soul/heart jabs are the best she can do. Siggy talks more about herself and being bullied for her name and I tune out because, seriously I can’t. Lady Marge apologizes AGAIN and I am sure that will heal the wound until Siggy needs another reason to flare up because even her apology is all about Siggy.
Vicki then randomly chooses Melissa who has also recently had an issue with Siggy. She brings up Siggy’s party and how she had everyone raise their hand of they she was an asshole.
Tre gets a little TOO into the roleplaying
Then she humps the air and points out to Siggy how weird it was that after she put herself on the cross she offered her wine and told her to have a great time. Siggy admits that she exaggerated and she didn’t mean to embarrass her she just, she just wanted to make her feel as shitty as she did about the cake. They hug it out and make-up so all is good.
Next is Danielle and Borloress eyes are twitching back and forth like a Felix The Cat clock.
Here’s my chance to have an actual storyline
But no, she calls Teresa to the front of the classroom. Danielle is here to confront her about the prostitution whore accusations from first season. Apparently, the name followed her daughters around their entire lives and she wants to know if she would be willing to apologize to them. In a series’ first Teresa does apologize for her actions and says she would be willing to apologize to her daughters. Borloress says that Danielle blames everything on Teresa and that table throw. Captain Obvious Vicki points out how words hurt and we get a reminder of the Italian saying that the tongue breaks bones.
Lady Marge and I are feeling the same way right now
But Siggy promises that the next event is fun…. they keep saying that word and I don’t think it means what they think it means.
Back in Wayne, Milania and Joe Gorga head to the go-kart track to talk and spend some time together. This was actually very sweet of Joe, he has kids of his own but the fact that he makes an effort to connect with his nieces, especially the one who is missing her special relationship with her dad. Afterward they have some snacks and talk through the issues she has been having with losing her grandma. Milania says that it doesn’t really feel like she is gone and how she always would tell her that one day she is going to die. I actually smiled at that part because I had a little old Mexican grandma who would say that to me all the time too, morbid yes but I think it’s a way to let you know that time is precious. He tells her that he’s there for her and it’s a nice moment.
Back at the world’s most boring retreat they gather again to …. talk more about their feelings. This time they are all sharing something that the other don’t know about each other. Zzzzzzz
Lady Marge opens up about her stepchildren to whole group and how she hopes someday that the two who do not speak to her have a change of heart.
This was Borloress face the entire time Lady Marge was talking
Vicki suggests that she approach her ex-husband to help her reach out to her stepkids, which isn’t a bad idea. Siggy says she feels for her because of Joshua and can’t imagine Joshua not speaking to her.
Now its Teresa’s turn. She admits that when she came home Joe was drinking a lot and wished he could have been stronger. Vicki who obviously has never watched this show or doesn’t know these ladies asked if he ever apologized for getting them in this mess before he left for campses. Teresa says she has resentment and no marriage is perfect but she isn’t going to cry over spilled milk. Siggy tells her she has to work through these feelings and release.
I do not agree at all with what Teresa and Joe did, but paying their dues and moving forward is really the only path. Teresa then calls on Borloress to share her feelings.
Uh yeah so, I am having a dog event coming up, all the proceeds go to the dogs and I would love if you would all come also I have a line of kaftans coming out soon
Lady Marge says what we are all thinking, are you kidding. All these ladies have opened up and been real and Borloress is all, “I don’t have problems only other people have problems, come to my dog charity.” Lady Marge says of course she is going to go, she loves anything with fur.
Back at home everyone is getting their kids up in the morning.
Milania steal this scene with her roll out the bathroom door in her sleeping bag
Then Teresa goes to the No. 1 family house to talk more about her feelings and Siggy’s sex drive. The only interesting thing from this scene is that Teresa hasn’t seen Juicy Joe since before her mom died.
At the dog event Borloress tells us she got involved with Onyx and Breezy Foundation that is a rescue organization and she got involved because of Boo. None of that made sense. Lady Marge is the first to arrive and Joe B is such a trooper he is allergic to dogs and yet he still showed up. Danielle is next with her babies in a carriage.
Paradise and Sven
Siggy comes over to greet everyone and the first thing she says to Joe B, is that isn’t he happy that her and Lady Marge made up. They are standing outside and yet she still can suck up all the oxygen in the room. Teresa comes next and Borloress says she is so glad she came because she knows that Tre is afraid of dogs. Melissa shows up sans dog but she brought her human child.
The ladies separate in two groups to gossip and Siggy asks the girls what they thought of the retreat. Melissa says she thought it was great and Borloress can’t stop saying how wonderful it was despite not participating at all. Melissa tells Siggy about what Danielle said about her apology, it wasn’t sincere because Siggy needed to make herself look good at the retreat. This sends Siggy into a tailspin of sputtering and gives her favorite excuse, Danielle has things festering inside
In the other corner Danielle is talking to Lady Marge about Siggy’s not so authentic apology she tells her that she should be careful and Lady Marge takes that to heart as Danielle knows these girls better than she does.
The ladies think that these dogs are doing it doggystyle and I am hoping none of them have attempted this position
Lady Marge rolls Danielle’s babies over to the others and Borloress starts talking about all the charity she is doing lately including The Crypt Keeper’s charity fashun show not to be confused with her annual fashun show. This one will be raise money for the victims that were killed in her car that were friends of her son. Melissa and Teresa are adamant that they are not going and Siggy doesn’t want to tell them that her and Bore are “walking” the runway in whatever rundown banquet hall she is hosting in this year. Lady Marge says if it for charity she will go and Teresa clarifies why she isn’t going, The Crypt Keeper said Juicy was cheating on her.
Melissa stops by Lady Marge’s showroom to get some boutique lessons. Melissa realizes that she needs those items that are going to set her apart from the other boutiques in Jersey, like carrying sizes above a 4, items other than rompers and t-shirts that don’t say ENVY on them. Lady Marge suggests that she come with her to Milan and check out some labels she can only get there to make her store unique.
At the Crypt Keeper’s store Siggy and Borloress arrive to do their fitting for the fashun show. They are both wearing basic black dresses, so fashiony. Borloress acts like she is so not into this but in reality, she is loving being called a model and working it on the make-believe runway. Siggy asks the Crypt Keeper if she is needs anything else from them and she casually asks if Teresa is coming.
No, she doesn’t like you
Bore expands on this and tells her it because of the comments she made last year about Joe cheating on her. The Crypt Keeper defends her actions and says everyone was saying it not just her. But Siggy tells her it was all rumors unless she saw the wee wee entering the cookie she can’t say boo. Siggy defends Teresa by saying that she has been working herself to the bone to earn a buck for her family and raising her kids. The Crypt Keeper says that’s not what she sees and in fact she has heard Teresa has been rekindling old flames. Borloress says what everyone is thinking, what old flame? It’s always been just Juicy for Tre AND now they have to tell her, which was The Crypt Keepers goal along to start shit. Otherwise her shit fashun show and her aren’t going to get any air time this season since she has fallen out of Queen T’s favor.
Some people question why I am friends with The Crypt Keeper but then again people question why I am friends with Teresa Giudice… its simple really they are both criminals and I love to have something to hold over someone so they are grateful for my loyalty
Siggy is a little over the top about wanting to get out of there because The Crypt Keeper is talking crazy like; who would blame her moving on? I was actually happy she was getting some from someone without a FUPA. But I get it because even in light of all her crazy social media recently she bows to Teresa and even got her to tell people to leave her alone.
In a restaurant in Jersey the ladies are meeting for dinner. Teresa arrives talking about how she just dropped Gabriella in the prettiest dress at a Bar Mitzvah. Melissa is like oh yeah, it’s totally that season; weddings, graduations, bar mitzvahs. Teresa tells her that there is no such thing as bar mitzvah season it’s a 13th birthday. Melissa is shocked and even more shocked to hear that it celebrates some sort of rite of passage at adulthood so young. So that cross you wear is just for show, right? Because Confirmation in the Catholic church is basically the same thing.
Lady Marge arrives next with her fall on then Danielle followed by Siggy and Borloress fresh from her spray tan. Melissa starts off the dinner thanking everyone for coming and talking about The Macbeth Collection showroom. Apparently before Siggy publicly announced that it was cheap GINA shit her and Borloress don’t like, she told everyone it was fabulous. Also, she takes credit for introducing Melissa and Lady Marge for her matchmaking skills. Uh, that’s more like networking and connecting people but sure. They bring up the fact that they are going to Milan so Lady Marge can work on her shoe line and Melissa can pick up some European fashion.
We should all go to MILAN, Italy
OMG no way
Danielle pipes in and says she is so excited about Milan and the table falls silent. Siggy decides to drop the bomb about the Posche Fashun Show…her and Borloress are walking in the show. Melissa and Teresa are taken back by this news. So, Borloress decides to throw gas on the fire and tell her about The Crypt Keeper hearing rumors about Tre and old boyfriend. Melissa who while may not have much going on this season besides cake is the voice of reason/Greek chorus says this is bullshit. All that The Crypt Keeper has done to her and her family to hurt her she is now turning it one Teresa.
Borloress holds her stance that she is neutral and she doesn’t pick sides but she did tell her that it wasn’t true so there’s that.
I pity the fool who doesn’t see how true of friend I am to you
Please stop with your Caroline Manzo one-liners. She also puts out there in her talking head of course not at the table that it wasn’t all that long ago that Teresa was spreading rumors with The Crypt Keeper about Melissa. NO, no no no that was five years ago that like decades in RH time, I CANNOT HANDLE SOMEONE CONSTANTLY BRING UP THE PAST IN A CURRENT SEASON.
Melissa tells her this is not Switzerland and that Bore has to pick a side. Siggy pipes up and says that when she was upset with Lady Marge and she had a party she didn’t tell them not to go.
Listen so-called expert relationship lady, The Marge called you Soggy, The Crypt Keeper called me and helped spread rumors that I was stripper, a whore, my husband is a piece of shit and so are my children
Siggy’s defense is she judges her friends on the way the treat her, so I guess as long as she keeps getting deep discounts and ugly clothes she is cool with The Crypt Keeper. BUT then Lady Marge jumps in and says Hitler would have not killed me and that doesn’t make me OKAY with the holocaust.
She does know I am Jewish right
You guys I have been ragging on Siggy hard this season but even I was puzzled by this comment, also MAYBE she shouldn’t have said that to the only Jewish cast member.
Teresa asks Bore what she said and Siggy jumps in saying that they told her to shut up. Actually, only Siggy did and I am sure Teresa got heated watching that scene of them in Posche because Borloress didn’t really say much to defend her. Teresa turns to Melissa and tells her she is fuming right now. Then old Bore really steps in it…
Teresa throws her glass of wine at the wall behind her and pops off.
Then Borloress gets hot and stands up to lean across the table at Teresa telling her she did stick up for her.
Lady Marge is clearly in awe of that ass
The Bore brings Danielle into to it while she just stands there looking back and forth at them in disbelief. The fingers are flying and the yelling get louder to the point you can’t really tell what anyone is saying. Lady Marge tries to tell Borloress that these girls are really hurt and Bore tells her to shut up for two seconds. I think Bore needs to admit she doesn’t like Lady Marge. Because when Lady Marge starts defending herself and saying she has a right to speak and whether or not this if for charity isn’t the point, the Not-So-Dynamic Duo starts ranting about how she doesn’t have a heart.
That’s right call the tin man and tell him we both need a soul/heart
I hope production bought these people’s dinner
Siggy and Bore are shoving chairs as they stormed out and of course call the idiots once they are out on the streets. As Danielle shouts at them “the line in the sand has been drawn, have a nice day ladies.” Teresa is shook and tells Melissa that she can’t believe all that the Crypt Keeper has done to you and me that those two would go despite this being for charity. So, you know what that means they have to go and confront her at the show. Melissa can’t believe she wants to do this and Teresa tells her that she’s her family and she has to back her, so get her razor blades and Vaseline ready.
So, what did you all think? Was the “rumor” scenes over the top or deserved given the rumors have been on the internet for a while? Can you believe it’s that RHONJ is supposed to end this month? I feel like there is still so much we were promised, I can’t believe they are going to shove it all in!