Hola, my faithful, much-put-upon Trashies. I hope everyone had a very nice Thanksgiving. MisRed has officially reached MAXIMUM DENSITY- ate way too much food and need to, seriously, get the gluttony under control PRONTO. Nobody better give MisRed a red dress or Vicki will have some serious competition on her hands in the “unruly-gelatinous-fat” department.
Stick a fork in MisRed…she is done.
My apologies for last week and the complete rush job I did on the recap. My family was coming into town for the Holiday and I knew if I didn’t get it up (haha MisRed said “get it up”) before their arrival, there would be no way it would get done. Although, that’s no excuse for having a TYPO in the recap title. Yes, Yes, MisRed is aware there is an E at the end or ORANGE. That’s what happens when MisRed is forced to rush.
Ok, where did we leave off last week? Oh right. Vicki was fake crying over the fact that she broke up Shannon and David’s marriage and caused Shannon to have to go to Fat Camp. Lydia’s bitch flower was pollinated into an entire garden… Tamra took an ounce of responsibility for her issues with her daughter. Shannon needed a manicure and man-hand reduction surgery. Kelly is a single woman on the loose and always goes for the “juggler.” MisRed didn’t even know Kelly had a thing for Circus performers.
David Foster is a humorless prick- who knew?
Did anyone see that TMZ report about Kelly trying to get into David Foster’s car? MisRed saw that before she listened to the Watch What Crappens Bonus Ep…we should have known Ben & Ronnie would have been involved in the hijinx! Kelly was totally playing with him, but, shockingly, David Foster has ZERO sense of humor. And in other news, fire is hot.
What else? Oh Piggy said, basically nothing except she still thinks that “The Peanut Gallery” is where the Planter’s Man goes to view fine art.
What is dis Peanut Gallery?
It’s 5am and MisRed’s support staff is noticeably absent this morning. MisRed is totally going to Kate Chastain them and make them stay up all night washing dishes. Jerks. See, even they know this is a sub-par season of the OC and are boycotting.
Let’s get started, shall we?
Oh, speak of the Devil and he shall appear.
Javelin and Elvis have suffered through this season too.
Apparently “the udder one” is not joining us this morning. She’s is totally over this season. Who can blame her?
Don’t hurt yourself.
The ep opens with one of the crew calling for Shannon on set and we hear Shannon’s voice, from within the dressing room, “I’m just pulling up my Spanx!” From her mouth to Vicki’s ass, puhleeze.
Someone get Vicki TWO pair!
A viewer says that a black cloud has been hanging over Shannon all season. Andy thinks since her maiden name is “Storms,” it’s fitting.
Andy never more happy than when introducing a humilating clip!
We get the montage of Shannon flipping out and fighting with everyone. She is calm, she is done, It’s not her f*cking plate. You guys know the score.
Shannon thought she was set up by Lydia at the Quiet Woman- so Lydia could make herself relevant. Andy asks Shannon if she feels she owes anyone an apology? Shannon apologizes to Tamra for being short with her on the phone one day with regard to the Dicko confronting Shannon about David’s questioning of Piggy having The Cancer. If you followed that you belong in Mensa. She apologizes to Lydia for her behavior at Ava’s birthday party- yes, the infamous day when she at a Nacho.
30 to 40 negative nachos
She apologizes for her behavior at The Quiet Woman and apologizes to the “f*cking plate.”
Andy asks anyone feels they are owed an apology?
Piggy thinks she is owed an apology because Shannon referred to her as “that one.” Piggy explains that she has a name. “My name is Piggy.” (slight MisRed embellishment there, but acceptable under the circumstances, I believe.)
Is This One Kidding?
Shannon is like… I can’t with this one. MisRed seconds that!
But then… Meghan jumps in- thankfully she has on her Gladiator Sandals- and says that Piggy has done so many disrespectful things and has never apologized once- she CLIPPED Meghan’s lips on 3 occasions.
Piggy thinks Meghan deserved that. #justice. Piggy asks Andy what he thinks? He is like “Well I wouldn’t love it if you did that to me.”
Andy wouldn’t love the clip. BTW, Andy needs some botox.
MisRed will tell you one thing, if Piggy ever put the clip on MisRed… that one would have pulled back a bloody stump.
MisRed does not play.
UNLESS… this one is passing out the clips:
This one could clip MisRed every day. And twice on Sunday.
Piggy just stares blankly, as if she ever stares in any other manner besides blankly.
What is dis apology? No apology in da house Koko.
Andy moves on to Meghan’s story- her with a newborn.
This is about as interesting to MisRed as the gum stuck to her shoe. We review the text war between Kelly and Meghan.
Knocked up by a popsicle again.
We learn that Meghan is currently 1 month pregnant… now 10 weeks according to some ridic article I read yesterday.
Can we time everything for when I’m out of town?
Ok, wait, back to the Text. Of course, how could we forget about THE TEXT?
This text has been reviewed more times than the Zapruder film
Andy asks about the text. Meghan says that Kelly texted her saying that Jimmy was having an affair.
Hold on a minute there, dummy
Kelly corrects the situation saying that Meghan texted her first and that HER text was in retaliation for Meghan’s text. MisRed would really like to clang their two heads together. Meghan explains that her text was not malicious but Kelly’s was malicious. Meghan justifies saying that she was going to the source, and if Kelly was NOT being malicious, she should have gone to the source. The source being Jimmy. Oh right. Picture mouth-breather Jim Edmonds in his mom-jeans, eating a banana with is feet, reading a text from Kelly.
But haven’t apologies been exchanged TWICE previously on this dumb text sitch? But Meghan is stil hurt by it. Ok great. You know what? MisRed is still hurt that her ex-boyfriend got another girl pregnant on 9/11, but she is over it. MOVE ON PEOPLE.
BTW, on a side note, I love the video fireplace in the background behind Andy’s head- makes him even more Lucifer-like than usual.
Andy asks about the text being brought up- again- at Drag Queen Bingo – and then Kelly retaliating by saying that Meghan should be home with her baby.
Meghan asks why Kelly is so damaged? Kelly argues that she is not damaged and she was just asking a question– she wasn’t trying to imply that Meghan is a bad mom. Then they argue that Kelly has been on twitter saying that Meghan was Jim’s mistress, etc.. Kelly finally ends it by saying “I do bad things all day long.”
I’m the opposite of Martha Stewart- NO GOOD THINGS
Bahahaha. Oh Kelly.
Moving on to 100th Real Housewife Piggy Sulahian- well that really sh*t the bed, huh? Andy says she makes no apologies for who she is. Nor for anything she does- MisRed might add. We review her possible-3mm-of the cancer, her confusing everyone, her asking if Shannon trusts her husband, yadayadayada. A viewer compares Piggy to Alexis Bellino in that her husband is controlling.
Let’s see if MisRed can take a belt of Jägermeister and try to nutshell Piggy’s segment for you. Piggy says that she did have “3 milimet…the cancer,” the entire time she was filming she was in a fog from medication and from her expanders, this also explains why she can’t decide if her car should be black or white, she was mourning the death of her father the entire time during filming, she didn’t want sympathy from these betches, she wanted support.
Not sympathy, but support… from complete strangers I met 5 minutes ago
The tears flow.
Meghan says it would have been nice to know what Piggy was going through at the time. What? It’s much more productive to make people GUESS what’s wrong with you and then be mad when they guess incorrectly.
Piggy says that she was in denial that she had cancer.
Of course, if MisRed could feel things, she would feel terrible for Piggy- mourning the death of the father and then having a double mastectomy but… does anyone actually like Piggy or want her back next season? Show of hands?
MisRed thought so
We move onto Iceland and the fermented shark, Lydia being left off the group text and Vicki faking a heart attack and finally getting her casserole.
Oh hey, MisRed found her Hotel Ranga Pen
Andy asks why Vicki left the hotel with a robe over her face? Vicki explains that she looked terrible.
Vicki’s Instagram needs a ROBE filter
So why doesn’t Vicki just wear a robe over her face all the time? Andy asks “What happened to you?” How much time do we have?
Apparently, Kelly had given Vicki an Adderall the morning, then a Xanax later and Piggy gave her a Nyquil.
Kelly Dodd, Freelance Psychopharmacologist
There you have it- Vicki was just on drugs. BUT…she got her casserole and was drinking 5 seconds after she was released from the hospital.
The only way for a casserole to look LESS appetizing- put it in Vicki’s lap
Andy says that feathers got ruffled- and Lydia was upset because she had been previously left out of a dinner in OC and then she was left off the group text.
Let MisRed break it down for you: Lydia- you are forgettable.
More memorable than Lydia
We review the Viking-Themed Dinner where Vicki apologized to Shannon for spreading the “rumor” that David “beat the sh*t out of her.” Then Piggy brought up the fact that Aspen was crying for 10 minutes and she recorded it and then recorded the rest of the women laughing and Piggy said that the women were laughing at her. The ladies deny that they were laughing about Piggy.
Then, oh yes, Piggy put the needle down on that broken record, saying “Kelly said that her dad was going to beat up my Dad.” Christ on a bike, are we back to this again!?!?!? Kelly AGAIN explains that she forgot that Piggy’s father died and what she said was just a figure of speech anyway.
What is dis dead horse? Why do we beat it?
Kelly cops to it being a “euphemism, a metaphor and I was drunk.” PLUS Kelly already apologized for this TWICE.
Maybe 3 is the magic number for these betches. Like Beetlejuice.
I was running out to the muscle relaxers so I had to leave early
Andy asks Piggy why she left Iceland early? Piggy “explains” that she was in pain with her expanders and does Andy know what it’s like to open his robe and to look down and not see any breasts there? MisRed is leaving that alone. And she never, not once, got support from the other ladies.
Why did Piggy even do this season!?!? I’m quite sure that she could have gotten out of her contract or whatever due to a medical issue. PLUS, hello?!?! These Betches are Betches. I have friends that are betches and friends that are NOT betches. When MisRed is looking for support, MisRed does not go to the Betches, she goes to the NON-BETCHES. AND…. Piggy is incoherent 99.9% of the time. How can she expect to get support if she can’t or doesn’t explain what she is going through or that which requires support?
Thank god, we are moving on to the hot mess express: Vicki and Tamra. We review Lydia trying to get Vicki and Tamra back together. We review that big, gay queen Ricky saying that he saw Eddie making out with a guy, and Tamra pretending to try to understand how Vicki is hurt by something that Tamra has done to her.
Worst Acting Award goes to…
Vicki then says to Tamra that she never “went after” Tamra’s marriage – and in fairness, she really didn’t go after the marriage, but she did say that Eddie was gay, but we are splitting hairs at this point. Tamra clarified that Vicki was “spreading rumors.” Then Vick says “Well you spread a rumor that I was—YOU LIED! So, don’t go there with me Tamra.”
Hang on! I’m not the only liar here.
Tamra replies “When you’re in on a cancer scam…”
Vicki “Don’t go there with me. I got conned!”
Tamra is like – I give up.
MisRed aside… F*ck you, Vicki.
MisRed aside over.
Just kidding. This is what MisRed thinks: In MisRed’s opinion, Vicki KNEW that Brooks was faking cancer. Maybe not at the very beginning, but she knew at some point and didn’t do the right thing by immediately breaking up with him and revealing his deception. If nothing else she was complicit in his scam. Maybe she wanted her money’s worth for those new chicklet choppers, maybe she was so desperate to be in a relationship that she just turned a blind eye or in Vicki’s case, a crossed-eye. Who knows? But Vicki is NOT the victim here, this much I know.
Andy asks Shannon why she inserted herself into the Vicki / Tamra argument. Shannon goes on a semi-tear about how Tamra would call her weekly to say how Vicki was planting stories in the press about Eddie being gay. While Shannon is talking, Vicki and Tamra are arguing underneath Shannon’s audio and it’s hysterical.
Vicki- Not True.
Tamra- Yes, it is.
Vicki- Prove it. Weekly?
Hahaha, ok, so maybe it was bi-weekly. These two crazy gals!!
Tamra goes on to say that Vicki tried to make up with Tamra and then THE NEXT DAY at Vicki’s birthday party, she had Ricky and Wretchen stage a conversation about Eddie being gay. Not sure what her point was, other than Vicki is a terrible person. And for the record… wait, is anyone actually recording this… this was, fo-sho, a staged convo.
Andy brings up that in Iceland Tamra, while she was upset, said “You chose Brooks over me.” And Andy asks what she meant by that? Tamra goes on to explain- that once Vicki found out that Brooks was a cancer-faking-liar, had she gone to Tamra and been apologetic at that time, things could have been different between them.
Tamra and Vicki go back and forth. Then Andy asks Vicki if she thinks her actions, since filming wrapped, have been bad and she should apologize? Vicki says yes, BUT that Tamra is a liar. Tamra has accused Vicki of being homophobic because of the stuff she says about Edie. Vicki denies that it is homophobic and Tamra (and Meghan) say that it IS homophobic because she is saying these things as an insult.
Tamra continues to call Vicki a liar over and over and over, putting her fingers in her ears, yelling “Lalalalalala.”
Vicki says “Tamra, that doesn’t look good on you.”
Tamra is like “Yeah, well, nothing looks good on you.” Which IS true…
Not one single thing
Vicki gets up and leaves the set saying, “I’m out.”
Dear 6lb 8oz Baby Jesus… please let this be true
And goes into her dressing room- for some reason Dicko is there.
We’ll paint half of you black, half of you white and get you back out on the streets
Lydia goes to check on her and tries to get Vicki to go back out to the set.
Let’s see what happening on the old google machine
Ugh, she comes back. F*cking A. Can MisRed never catch a break?
Tamra says to Vicki “Can you just say you are sorry and mean it?”
Vicki after prodding says “I’m sorry, and I won’t talk about it again. I’m sorry. I, like, totally surrender.”
Andy asks if there is an apology in there for Eddie? Vicki says “Of course. I have wanted to have tea with him. Or coffee, or maybe go to a bathhouse in WeHo…” and that she never meant for it to get to the place where it is. If only Eddie gave one single f*ck that might have some meaning.
Does anyone believe this horsesh*t?
Andy asks if Vicki is asking for any change in Tamra? Vick says she wants Tamra to stop saying that she was involved in a Cancer Scam.
These two slags deserve each other
Andy forces them to hug. Then Vicki hugs Shannon and Shannon’s face is EVERYTHING.
Anyone know where I can rent one of those Silkwood showers?
Kelly says, “This is healing.” Bahahaha. Have another Xanax, Kelly.
Then Vicki is invited to sit on the couch between Tamra and Shannon.
Tamra says she thinks she and Vicki are good together. And then brings up that they are like “Lucy and Ethel.” Again, with this bullsh*t. No duo on any of these shows is like Lucy or Ethel.
And a portal to Hades has just opened…
How long will this last? Andy psycho-analyze the whole sitch- and then Vicki offers Shannon a job at Coto Insurance… for minimum wage, of course.
Then they all do shots. Pass one to MisRed, if you don’t mind, Miss Andy.
Vicki and Tamra walk backstage arm and arm. Tamra says she still has their BFF bracelets in her dressing room. Oh good. MisRed was wondering what happened to those eye sores.
The Two-Headed Betch Beast
It’s over kids.
Finally. Finally, it’s over. The reunion is only 2 parts? That’s how you know it was a LAME season!!! Thank you so much for hanging in there with MisRed this season. You guys are the best. Your comments have given me life- and they are greatly appreciated. Catch me next covering the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. MisRed will be patting her puss all over that scene!! Xoxoxox, Betches!!!
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