Last week, Sheree hosted a 70’s party to commemorate the seven decades it took her to build Chateau Sheree. Kenya took advantage of her husband’s unfamiliarity with call blocking and left him 37 voicemails, mostly about dog urine. Cynthia went on a date with a guy who uses a flip phone and NeNe rushed to be at Gregg’s bedside after a night of partying and a morning of hair and makeup cuz she’s caring like that.
NeNe and Gregg have returned home from the hospital. Long story short, all of these years with a stripper who has a bull horn built into her larynx has caused his heart to beat irregularly. His father died of the same issue so naturally NeNe is worried about what will happen to her narcisstic supplier should he not get better. She can’t go back to banging pizza owners for Loubotins.
“On the other hand, my jeans are designed for it.”
Sheree’s life coach visits her house. You’d think his coaching would begin somewhere along the lines of “you have an 8,000 square foot house and no means of support outside of a TV show that laid you off for three years?” but it doesn’t. Instead they sit on Balcony by Balconeè and she updates him on her task of telling her kids something they already know unless the chateau doesn’t have wifi, cable or a loft for homing pigeons. Also, didn’t Sheree have her group session at Kandi’s house so the kids wouldn’t overhear it? Now she’s okay with them being home while she discusses this with the life coach?
“Clorox wipes are safe for kitchens, bathrooms and the ears of nosy children.”
Sheree still needs a few more weeks to work up the courage to tell the kids about the domestic violence because, let’s face it, this woman can stretch a storyline farther than a double jointed hooker’s legs on Superbowl Sunday.
She’s been contacted by a domestic violence group to do a PSA so the timeline is closing in on her. He tells her to have this done in two weeks.
“It took me two weeks to pick out the mold in my basement but okay, sure.”
“You mean molding, right?”
She doesn’t want to admit to her kids that she went through something she’s told them not to tolerate but hey, she once had plans to install an ice skating rink in her home. If they can get past that, they can get past anything. Jack Daniels is more than happy to play along and tells her to not only to take more time but to also treat herself to a RHOA producer sanctioned vacation since she’s such a hard worker.
Kandi is getting ready to travel to NY for the cover of Essence magazine. She doesn’t want to leave her kids but this is a big deal. Kandi and Todd suggest that Riley takes Ace to the zoo but she declines. I hope Kandi doesn’t force her. A disinterested teen and a crazy Momma Joyce?
We don’t need another Harambe incident.
DonJuan isn’t as excited as the rest of them because Karmon’s gone and he’s in charge of packing Kandi’s clothes and wigs. Kandi keeps saying that she’ll be hiring someone soon and I feel like she’s teasing a spinoff or a new hire that will surprise us. Fingers crossed that Lauren jumped Porsha’s ship because she’s been moonlighting as Kandi’s new assistant.
Next, we get to see little snippets of everyone starting their day. Cynthia has ripped the shutters off of the agency fashion school’s windows and is ready to drain the college funds of a new crop of robot pre-teens. Kenya is working on her hair care line with an intern who doesn’t look like she fully understands that there are child labor laws to keep her out of this situation. NeNe is asking Gregg what he needs and she’s secretly hoping that he’ll say nothing so she can get back to her busy schedule of sending Ryan Murphy anonymous chain letters.
Porsha, cousin Tiffany and Lauren meet at the house to discuss their issues. Lauren says that she was having a bad day when they met about the salon. She feels left out and treated like a baby. Lauren doesn’t want to burden Porsha with issues that she has but I don’t buy that this is the only issue. There’s more going on. She claims that she’s worried that Porsha will leave her behind as the companies grow but I think Lauren doesn’t want to make minimum wage for the next 27 years with no real stake in the profits. Porsha tells her that everything she does is for them, Lauren can tell her anything even though she’s intimidating and that she doesn’t know what she’s doing so it only makes sense for them to go into business together. O…kay. She also tells Lauren that she can stop wearing weaves if it’ll make her feel better.
The face you make when you were HS valedictorian but your sister’s the millionaire.
NeNe invites her friends Mynique and Brandon to her home. You may recall Mynique from episodes such as: My Husband Chuck Has a Cocktail Weiner and Chuck Calls Phaedra “Part of the [Ho] Team” while Mynique pretended to be okay with it. NeNe is having an “All White Never Forget Gays and Girls Seafood Soiree”. They had to edit out the rest of the title because the episode is only an hour long. NeNe tells them that since Porsha claims she never visited NeNe’s house, and she did, never forgetting will be the theme of the night. They both try to badger NeNe into making up with Porsha because they like her but NeNe didn’t like the wording of a text Porsha sent that used the word “angry” and refuses to do so. NeNe also accuses Porsha of betraying Phaedra by leaving her behind as soon as things got hot. Ironically, NeNe walks into the house while Mynique and Brandon laugh and awkwardly sit outside in the sun until NeNe is willing to let them back inside. Fortunately for them, it won’t be too long. She needs someone to feed Gregg his lunch.
Next, Sheree and Kenya go to a spin class together. Afterwards, Kenya approaches Sheree about doing a joint domestic violence PSA. Sheree will not confirm due to her pending ambassador deal with the national coalition.
“I don’t need Matt playing Rock ’em Sock ’em with my new windows.”
Cynthia goes out on a second date with Will. The blogs have exposed their relationship but he seems okay with the sudden fame, free publicity and supermodel who’ll accept cheap dates. They eat ice cream and he angles for an invite to the Bailey Bungalow. She says that she may invite him over for dinner and they hug like they’ve already done it six times in the Uber on the way to this scene.
Sheree has invited Kim as her plus one to NeNe’s party because she was gay that one season. Kim isn’t sure where she stands with NeNe because like their faces, it never stays the same. The last time Kim saw NeNe was outside of a store. Before Kim could say hi, NeNe left but Kim reports that she was parked in a handicapped spot and has the photo to prove it. Kim wonders if Kenya will be there. Although she pretended not to know her name, Kim rattles off random facts including Kenya supposedly marrying a fan and that she’s trying to get pregnant with 46 year old eggs.
Kim’s resident Solo cup is probably older than Kenya’s eggs.
NeNe continues her “I Hate Porsha but Love Everyone Else” Tour with Marlo who she literally just made up with a week ago. They saw each other in a parking lot where Marlo was blowing the valet in exchange for the credit card number of a dude driving a Rolls Royce, she and NeNe argued for thirty minutes, NeNe realized she needed a style besides white t-shirts and new noses and they became friends again. Marlo, by the way, has shown up to NeNe’s house in house shoes and a robe. She also asks about Porsha because production wants to make NeNe as uncomfortable as possible. I’m uncomfortable because I’m pretty sure Marlo was in head to toe Gucci and her house shoes and robe could probably pay my rent.
Speaking of Porsha, she and Lauren are back in business and are spending their Saturday night playing with wigs instead of going to NeNe’s party.
I don’t know this guy, but I feel his pain.
Back at NeNe’s, Derek J has arrived with Cynthia. He doesn’t like the theme of the party and likens it to a White people having a “Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da Black Friend” party. Cynthia brings it up to NeNe later on and she says that her intentions were purely pure, truly true and honestly honest. Kim arrives and has now added Sheree to the Solo cup gang.
“These expensive, these is bloody cups.”
Kim yells all kinds of “hey bitches!” at NeNe across the lawn and makes her way over. Kenya distracts herself by reading her husband’s Linkedin page to learn more about him. Meanwhile Lisa Wu shows up and I’m over her. It’s nice to see old housewives but she pops up way too frequently and it seems like she hugs people really hard. Like, I’m afraid she may hurt Gregg unintentionally in the excitement of being on TV.
All of the women make their way into the house to talk. Kim takes a couple of jabs at NeNe but she’s staying committed to only fighting with Porsha this season so she lets it slide. Kim, however, came here with an agenda and it was to destroy Kenya. Marlo congratulates Kenya on her marriage and asks about meeting Marc. Kim starts exclaiming that he’s fake and therefore they’ll never meet him. Then Kenya says ‘you’re fake, your surgery is botched and you had gender reassignment surgery’. Kim says ‘your boobs and butt are fake and you’re hiding something’. Is Kenya hiding something besides episode two of Life Twirls On?
Kenya puts a cap on the verbal portion of the throwdown by telling Kim to stop worrying about her life and worry about the daughter she pimps for John Legend tickets. Instead of denying the claims, Kim replies “you follow my Twitter?” like she’s about to autograph a screenshot for Kenya. In case you missed it, a few months ago Kim asked Chrissy Teigen who Brielle had to blow to get John Legend tickets.
She offered herself first. No takers.
Also, you didn’t have to go to Twitter for that; it was covered on a bunch of blogs because it was pretty gross. Like Kim Zolciak Season 1 wig and chin gross. At this point, Kim jumps out of her seat and seems to be lunging for Kenya which is great. Typically she only lunges for wine and Cheez-Its so this is progress.
Next week, the conclusion of the “Gays and Girls and Black And White Always Remember the Titans Farm Raised Cuisine” Fiesta. What’d you think? Are you glad to have Kim back? Was Kenya wrong for her insults? Should anyone get blown for John Legend tickets? Love you for reading and commenting!
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