Last week, Kandi started her new spinoff, Gossip Girl: Ex Ho Ex Ho, when she shared Dennis’ past with Karmon and Jami. Porsha worked out by trying to fit into a size small tank top. Shamari made her debut in the same clothes we last saw her in in 2001 and Eva continued to Eva.
Kandi visits Dr. Jackie to discuss using a surrogate. Since Kandi already had fibroid surgery and was high risk with Ace, she’d prefer not to carry her next child.
Kandi: Carrying Todd has been more than enough.
Jackie gives them options. The first is to have Todd do the maternity merengue with a fertile Myrtle but Kandi isn’t into that.
“I though everyone’s husband did that.”
Kandi says that they have two embryos already. Todd doesn’t want to leave anyone behind but the women say two surrogates and babies at once is crazy and not in his budget of -$25.00. Todd wants to know if he can touch the woman’s stomach while she’s pregnant. They agree that it’s okay but as usual, Kandi has to be able to get in on some of that rub a dub time. Dr. Jackie says that it’ll cost up to $130,000 and cheap ass Kandi is shocked.
Kandi: You don’t have a microwave we could just sit them in for nine months?
Eva smokes a cigar while waiting for her fiancé. The only interesting thing in this scene is that NeNe is the sister she never had. This means NeNe will turn on her in 5, 4, 3, 2… She wants NeNe to do her toast at the wedding. Mike. Doesn’t. Care. Nor do I. Then she says that someone has to pick up the kids as she sips her midday alcoholic beverage. Mike’s not the mayor, go for it!
Dennis and his mom have lunch with Porsha. This will be their first time meeting and Porsha gives her a Louis Vuitton wallet for her birthday. She seems less than impressed. Porsha might as well have given her a lucky rabbit’s foot – freshly cut. The mom questions how he had time for a relationship and if they’re in love already. They say they fell in love the first night which is just telling his mom that they boned the first night. She asks if they’re moving to the altar too quickly and Porsha asks if she means the marriage altar.
Porsha: Every Saturday my church sacrifices a virgin on the altar but your son made sure I’m not eligible.
It’s quiet for a while and then Porsha tries to change the subject. Momma Gina doesn’t fall for this at all and asks about a pre-nup. Porsha spits out her drink. She says that she thinks they’re both open to having a pre-nup. Momma is not impressed. Porsha turns to him and says that nothing can break them up.
Porsha: Nothing in the world can separate us.
Porsha: You still have your wallet?
Next, Cynthia and Mike are on the phone. They’re exclusive…on Facetime. She won’t see him until next month when he arrives for his birthday. She says that she’s his cake – spongy and moist – and they can’t wait to see each other. Also, they’ve combined their names and use it as a hashtag on Twitter, #CHill. I guess #MikCynthallEIaBailey was already taken.
Shamari is planning a birthday party for her twins and needs to pay the equivalent of rent for the cake. Momma Devoe accompanies her and Shamari said it took them time to get close. She felt Shamari was a gold digger but now she knows that their relationship is legit-ish. The mom felt that Shamari didn’t approach her as a woman and explain how she felt about her son. I didn’t know that dating required a vagina monologue.
Shamari was bothered by all of that but now they agree that the past is the past. Shamari can’t stop digging up these bones though so she goes full Pet Sematary and says that they almost divorced over him being with other women. Shamari glazes over that though and asks if his mom knew that they had an open relationship.
“Uhhh, I think I hear my mother calling me…”
She didn’t know. For a year and a half they were able to be with other people but she was only with women. That was pretty heavy for a cake place – so heavy that they spend $900 on two cakes for two babies that are basically the same person.
Cynthia is getting her house ready for the Bailey-que. “Getting ready” literally consists of 5 latex, dollar store balloons bundled together on a plastic weight that she’s struggling to place. I know a great place for them – it starts with T and ends with rash. If it makes Cynthia feel better we can call it #TRash.
Dennis has delivered the very best leftover hot dogs from last week. I am amazed that they are going so hard with this wiener placement this season. I’m all for entrepreneurship but they highlight his hot dogs and ignore everything else he does. Why didn’t they get hookahs sent over or the local Rolex peddler? Remember when Niles found out that Maris’ family fortune came from urinal cakes and the thought of that getting out was enough for her to grant him a divorce? Yeah…
Marlo arrives with NeNe and brings Cynthia a fishing rod to catch men because she doesn’t realize that The Shape of Water was fiction. NeNe tells them that Eva has asked her to be in her wedding and Marlo says they’ll need NeNe’s excitement because Eva is boring. Cynthia says that Eva alleged that Will was paid to be her boyfriend last year. NeNe tries to say that Eva is fun and exciting but so far none of them are seeing that side. NeNe doesn’t like being Miss Popularity Minus so I’m gonna place a bet that Eva will be kissing her nose at some point this season to stay on the show. Marlo says that the streets were saying Will was recruited at a Bailey Agency of Dates and Baits model call but NeNe confirms that Cynthia shops at the dollar store (I knew it!) and wouldn’t drop enough money to rent a whole man.
The women continue to arrive bringing food that they or their chefs prepared. We meet NeNe’s customer Tanya pronounced with a ‘Tan’. The only thing we learn is that Tanya is a geek who loves labels. While in the car, Porsha tells Shamea that Eva was talking about her. They thought their issue was resolved but apparently it wasn’t. After all of this, Porsha tells pregnant, hormonal, emotional Shamea, not to go into the party on edge. Also, Porsha eats half of pregnant Shamea’s pickle. I’m going to assume Porsha was pregnant at this time and just thought no one could tell that she was one exhale away from being the Hindenburg II.
Everyone finally arrives and Porsha is super excited about her hot dog spread. She’s genuinely thrilled. And you know what, of course she was pregnant at this point. That’s why she’s been eating steaks like a 1980’s stockbroker. Once everyone is settled, the women play “Pass the Peach”. The rules are a little fuzzy to me but they basically ask each other potentially scandalous, randomly selected questions while passing a peach around. Eva is supposed to answer who needs a makeover but she passes the peach. Cynthia doesn’t think that Eva has any place judging other people’s outfits. Finally, they just pit Kandi against Shamari since they’re wearing the same color scheme. Eva says Kandi’s look is better but Shamari is snatched, mostly in the frontal lobe area.
Porsha calls Shamari’s outfit Decatur’s finest but Shamari questions what in the Gap Kids hell is Porsha wearing. It’s actually funny to see them all get picked on to their faces and seeing their genuine reactions. Next, Marlo answers that the biggest liar in the group is Eva because they don’t know the real her. Eva says that Marlo is extra when it’s not appropriate. Ummm, what? How is she on this show? Calling her extra is the ultimate compliment. Marlo counters that she’s basic which is amazing. It’s so stupid and simple but illustrates that Eva isn’t reading the room correctly, no pun intended.
Eva: Excuse me Miss “I like attention and wearing expensive clothing”.
Marlo: Who invited the Kmart mannequin?
Eva’s only comeback is that she goes home every night to her second baby’s father. I’ll never understand why these women think Marlo wants anything more than what she has. She’s an ex-con, D-list celebrity who’s financed by men and can wield a knife. That sounds like six Girl Scout patches to me.
Kandi jumps in and calls Eva out for talking about Shamea but passing her bean dip. We get a flashback of Eva handing Shamea copious amounts of bean dip. Then Cynthia jumps in and says she heard that Eva spread those Will rumors. Eva doesn’t really deny it but doesn’t own it. Everyone is mad at her and NeNe seems annoyed that Eva is labeled as “her” friend.
Meanwhile Shamea is about to go Klump on the rest of that bean dip.
Next, Kandi says that Porsha is the freakiest. Porsha says that her freak number isn’t a 10 because she doesn’t do the back door. Kandi loudly and immediately disputes that. She says Porsha told her that she did it. Porsha clarifies that she tried it but like the SAT, she was unsuccessful.
Next they ask who’s been in an open relationship. No one answers at first but then Shamari jumps up, tube top be damned, and says that she has. She explains that she could only be with a woman but that was all she wanted anyway.
Little Known Fact: Shamari is the model for airport body scanners.
NeNe who’s always been prudish is all about this until she realizes Shamari wasn’t allowed to get big dick. This is a long way from the NeNe who didn’t even want to be in the same room as deal-dos.
Lastly, they’re asked who’d they want to be with on a stranded island. I’m so dumb that I immediately started thinking of who’d be the most resourceful and handy. Porsha shouts out for all the lesbians not to answer at once, she knows that they’re all going to say her. It was hilarious. What’d you think? This episode had just enough real life and silliness to make it entertaining for me. Next week, Ronnie is mad at Shamari, Kandi starts sharing info on Dennis and Gregg gets some medical news. Love you for reading and commenting!
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