Last week, Shamea had a bridal shower filled with doctor’s notes and weiners. NeNe and Kenya’s husband were nowhere to be seen and Porsha refused to put rich meat in her mouth for once.
Porsha, Lauren and Ms. Diane go to a medical spa for body wrapping. Porsha was super disappointed when she realized she would not be able to make her thighs beatbox. Instead they’re wrapped in some stuff that draws out toxins, water and waste.
No word on what it does for purple eyeshadow and 6 pounds of weave.
As a baby vegan, Porsha wants to look as good as her unwrinkled brain feels. Porsha is continuing with her strict “no new friends” policy but neglects to share with us her “no old friends” policy that she must have since no one from last season will film with her. Porsha will stick to being roommates, best friends and business partners with Lauren because there is no way that could go wrong.
Sheree and her daughter are at a store to get 70’s clothing for her mom’s first ever birthday party which is 70s themed. She always avoided them because of a family curse that causes party planners to attack them.
“My great grandfather should have never built his chateau over that gypsy burial ground.”
Cynthia is on another date this week. From what I’ve gathered, Cynthia’s date from last week was a contestant on Andy’s Love Connection show which is probably why she kept saying that a “friend” hooked them up. This time, one of her Barnum & Bailey Agency boys did the man stalking and found Will. He’s a 41 year old never married bachelor with one kid and a pre-paid cell phone. I assume it’s prepaid, or a Windows phone, because he refuses to bring it on dates. I understand wanting to focus but I’d be concerned that he’s so easily distracted or worse.
“I didn’t want the government finding out I ordered fettucini two nights in a row.”
Cynthia feels a connection because they both modeled, they both have businesses and neither one has the credit to get Verizon.
NeNe is hanging out by the pool at her house. Gregg is begging for treats but NeNe is more concerned with the giant that they’ve raised named Brentt. He’s heading out and NeNe demands that he responds immediately when she texts or he won’t be able to drive for a week. Didn’t she try that with the last kid? She needs a more effective threat.
“I will take off my wig and walk you to school.”
The Kandi-coated clique is meeting to discuss all of the weirdos they’ve invited into their lives via the restaurant. Kandi is still dealing with the Johnnie lawsuit and has paid $60,000 in attorney’s fees already. They want to keep things close but her assistant, Karmon, is leaving to go back into insurance which Kandi will help finance. She’ll show you how to save 15% or more at wedding dress fitting smackdowns. Unfortunately, Kandi also needs a new GM at OLG so she’ll have to loosen up her pockets and start paying her employees in more than Bed Bath & Beyond coupons. You know who she won’t be hiring? Kenya or Porsha. Kenya would probably give all of Kandi’s clients the code name Baby and Porsha would spend her days calling the dictionary to correct their spelling of ‘escape’.
Kenya is in a rage at home after her dog King pees on her wedding gown. Aren’t those things usually preserved and stored? She’s only been married two weeks and the gown has already been covered in sand and dog waste. It’s an omen. She thinks that the dog is jealous because he’s always wanted to wear a white gown and she calls her husband to inform him. The only issue is that her husband Marc isn’t answering the phone. She resorts to leaving a voicemail but even his pre-recorded voicemail lady keeps cutting her off like she has voice recognition and knows Kenya isn’t in this man’s contact list.
Sheree is at the house tasting the food for the party. She wants the servers in 70’s clothes and she requests a disco ball. It’s a little strange that a disco ball wasn’t the first item requested for a disco party but okay. Also, is she just now adding items to the list because Sheree’s budget is probably in 1970’s dollars and not adjusted for inflation.
Porsha and Lauren meet with business consultants to discuss opening a salon. Porsha has no plan, no employees or locations but she wants to open this within three months.
Porsha: I need a new storyline. Being a TV vegan is hard.
Lauren gets annoyed because Porsha is treating her like she isn’t a partner in the business although she does most of the work while Porsha collects most of the money. Lauren gets a sis-counted pay rate and her life revolves around deleting Porsha’s emails before her sister sends another Rolls Royce to her Nigerian boyfriend’s uncle. Lauren storms out and says she’d rather live on the street with her kid than work with Porsha anymore.
“Even the homeless get to eat hot dogs once in a while.”
Cynthia visits NeNe and finds out that Gregg is in the hospital. He had chest pains and numbness and he might have surgery but NeNe is just bothered that she didn’t sleep well.
“He kept texting me saying he couldn’t breathe. He’s so annoying!”
NeNe bumped into Cynthia and Will at a bar and although she likes him, she wants Cynthia to date and be a whore for a while. Cynthia prefers an unhealthy, codependent, financially abusive relationship.
“His turn ons are long walks, sushi and joint accounts.”
Sheree is at the chateau getting ready for the party. Her disco ball is there and it looks like it came out of the basement of a Lisa Wu foreclosure sale. The party planner is nowhere to be found and the family is doing all of the preparation for the party. The planner says she’ll be there soon and Sheree goes back to bossing around the servers and making sure they’re only using the finest Solo cups for the event.
Kenya, Cynthia and NeNe gather at Moore’s Marc-less Manor before Sheree’s party. Kenya’s relationship advice to Cynthia is to take it slow because before you know it, you’re married and your wedding dress becomes a skid mark covered mess. NeNe takes a tour of the house and points out that Marc’s closet has a bunch of clothes with tags on them. She brushes it off as Kenya wanting him in new, fashionable clothing but I think she borrowed this stuff from the wardrobe department. This marriage is creeping me out.
It’s 90 minutes until the party and the planner has quit via text. She says that there is tension and she’ll provide the address of the rest of the stuff like the tablecloths are part of a court ordered visitation. I don’t know if the planner was afraid to star in Check Me Boo Pt. II or if the deposit check bounced cuz Sheree dated it 2077…
“Who gonnna check my check dates boo?”
…but Sheree is officially on her own. She rips off her mic, threatens to never let the planner into the moldy chateau basement again and walks out of the camera’s sight. Then Sheree did what anyone with less than two hours to organize would do – she gets her makeup done.
Everyone arrives at the party and NeNe takes back one of her classic insults when she declares that Chateau Sheree is no longer Neverland. Cynthia looks like a 70’s flapper and NeNe looks like a less sexually fulfilled Mrs. Roper.
The party ends up going well and Kenya even does the splits down the Soul Train line.
Lastly, NeNe heads to the hospital for Gregg’s procedure but they tell him it’s been pushed up. NeNe is going to be late since the time changed and Gregg has to go in alone. NeNe cries as she awaits an update on him.
“Why? Why didn’t I stop at Chick-Fil-A first?!”
Next week, Kandi shoots the cover of Essence, Marlo and NeNe reunite, Will and Cynthia go out again and Kenya and Kim go at it. What’d you think? Will Gregg bounce back? Is Kenya in a real marriage? Will Sheree ever be able to maintain a healthy relationship with a party planner? Love you for reading and commenting!
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