The End is Nigh…MisRed can feel it. Don’t cry yet, we have to now, review and fight over every single moment of the season in the 27- part reunion. So… not nigh enough, right? However, during the reunion, the women will atone for their sins, apologize for all of their actions, braid each other’s hair, have a topless pillow fight…
OK, MisRed may need to Reader’s Digest this a little big as my entire family is arriving in Houston at 11:45 this morning. My 5year old niece, who I affectionately refer to as: “The Tiny Tyrant” will be taking over the state government of Texas by noon, I’m sure. Wait, maybe by 1 o’clock, we are stopping for tacos on the way home.
Andy says his hellos and greets all of the women’s breasts. How is this jackass not up on the Weinstein Charges? Piggy has a new wig, the squirrels living in her hair must be hibernating under her bumpit.
Who is this squirrel?
We review the season- Piggy’s anniversary,
You better take this now, David will want half of it in the divorce…
Drag Queen Bingo, Shannon feeling she was going on her death ride with her daughter, Sophie,
Here lies Shannon Beador killed by Sophie’s driving
Piggy not understanding sh*t, and Vicki in her red dress with her copious back fat, being ignored at her birthday party.
Hot Mess? Your table is ready.
In light of Piggy not knowing any English, Andy decides to test the other women on their knowledge. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Andy asks Tamra to explain the meaning- Tamra thinks it has something to do with sex.
Bush betch. Betch bush. Betch.
Andy ask Vicki, who doesn’t really know, but surmises that it’s “better to have something in your hand…” to which Tamra replies “So put it in your bush?”
5:30 in kids.
Separated at birth
A viewer wrote in congratulating Shannon on looking so much like a man on Drag Queen Bingo night. And they discuss Lydia looking terrible as a man.
Vicki’s love life comes up and we review her “journey” with Steve the Crooked Cop. In the review Vicki claims to have been married for 30 years.
Yeah, well not to the same man, but who is counting. Andy says that after her relationship with Brooks, Vicki said she didn’t want to get married again, and asks what changed? Vicki says, after her break-up with Brooks, she waited a LONG time to meet Steve- 10 whole months-then she had to go to the trouble of sending herself flowers in Ireland and signing Steve’s name. Plus, she doesn’t want to be alone and he’s taller than 6 foot. Great reason to get married.
A viewer congratulates Vicki on being a drama queen by carrying around her medical records to prove she had the Influenza B. Vicki rationalizes that she doesn’t want anyone to accuse her of faking her illness. Well, yeah, when you are caught being involved in a cancer scam, it is difficult to rebuild trust.
Andy asks how Briana is feeling, and Vicki says that she is going in for surgery- because she has a pain in her neck.
Very Large Pain, thy name is Vicki
Yes, yes, she does. Diagnosis: Vicki.
Andy introduces Lydia- who has proclaimed herself to be “The Friend Whisperer.” We review Lydia praying over Dough’s Balls. Apparently some viewers thought that Lydia had Dough’s balls actually cut off- like one would do with a dog or, like, Jax Taylor.
Yesssssss, I’m juggling them on my rainnnnnnnnbow
Andy asks her why she was so uncomfortable at Drag Queen Bingo- Lydia says that she just was- there was a psychic there and people were getting advice from him and the Bingo game had “sexual positions I’d never even heard of.” Oy. And she was STUNNED when after the episode people accused her of being a homophobe. AND she is pissed because Shannon retweeted something that said that Lydia was homophobic- and Lydia unfollowed Shannon at the very moment. Vey. The drama.
Shannon was like- I did?
Well, I can’t even get the Uber app, how would I know how to retweet? David? David.
Lydia rants that she isn’t a gay-hater, she was just uncomfortable. The girls were upset that she kept leaving the table and don’t understand why she was so uncomfortable. Lydia says that Drag Queen aren’t in the Bible. Oh, come on. We all know that Moses was a BIG Draq Queen. BIG. He was down performing at the glory hole, 2 or 3 times a week, and twice on Sundays.
The topic of psychics comes up again and Lydia says she doesn’t “believe in them.” As if they are, like, Santa Claus or John Travolta’s heterosexuality. Meghan jumps in and says that she was offended because Lydia doesn’t believe in psychics and she doesn’t understand because “they are just people. And they aren’t trying to push anything on you.” Great argument, Meg. #JUSTICE
Bros before Hos, right Santa?
Lydia responds that Meghan doesn’t “believe in Jesus and doesn’t understand Lydia’s faith.”
I mean, MisRed is pretty sure that Meghan BELIEVES in Jesus. There is reasonable evidence that he existed. Unless, UNLESS, the Bible is just a bunch of stories for which we have little to know proof they are factual…
Then Meghan says, “Well I think you should use your brain and not have the Bible tell you what’s right and wrong all the time.” Lydia claims to use her brain to read the Bible.
You know what- MisRed is totally okay with Meghan’s response. MisRed is a little over these religious betches. If I wanted to see people obsessed with religion I’d watch those god-damn-condom-hating-f*cking Duggars.
Sorry, betch, I’ve already claimed her
A viewer thinks it was sweet that Lydia prayed over Shannon in the bathroom at the Quiet Woman. Bahahaha- was this before or after Shannon threw the plate. Oh wait, it was before.
The viewer thought that this might be an indication that these two would be friends during the season. Lydia says that they just don’t see eye to eye- that “I see blue and she sees black or white or whatever.”
Shannon thinks this is an interesting comment because at the end of the season Lydia came up to her and told her she “was her new favorite.”
Oh Shannon. You should know, the season comes with a disclaimer written really small, in invisible ink … That all GOOD things that come about during the season will be dissected, rehashed, twisted, dragged and beaten to within an inch of its life during the reunion. And all BAD things will be dissected, rehashed, twisted, dragged, and beaten within an inch of its life to the point that everyone will hate each other well through the holidays and into the New Year.
So, net/net, Lydia now hates Shannon again, because after the season Shannon didn’t return any of Lydia’s texts. AND THEN, the season started airing and Shannon started ripping Lydia apart in the blogs and that made her hate Shannon again. See? Hate is only a mere blog, tweet or Instagram post away at any given moment.
Shannon says that it’s “interesting,” -which is code for “I am about to rip you a new, gaping, bleeding, oozing a$$hole”- that Lydia has, the entire season, used the most character damaging things- that Shannon is crazy, she’s a psycho, she’s the mayor of crazy town.
Jesus made her do it.
Come on, we all know the election for Mayor Crazy Town isn’t until late 2018.
Lydia rationalizes that she has said all of these things to Shannon’s face, so it’s okay.
Meghan is like “Well, that’s pretty judgmental.” Uh, yeah, and not very Christian-like MisRed might add.
Andy downshifts to Dough’s balls. Ugh. Lydia explains that people really thought that Dough got his balls cut off.
This is even too stupid for MisRed to comment on, and that’s really saying something as I’ve been recapping Vicki’s ass for years.
What the actual f*ck is Vicki wearing? “Ill-fitting” doesn’t begin to cover it.
While we are on the topic, Piggy’s shoes- WTF? Are they from Tom Ford’s “Shoes I Wouldn’t Make My Worse Enemy Wear” or was Easy Spirit having a 1/2 off sale?
Oh, now it’s Kelly’s turn to be on the hot-seat. Andy thinks that it was really a “New Kelly” this year. We relive her troubles with Michael and Kelly looks pretty hurt/upset rewatching this. Kelly is now living on her own, separated from Michael.
Pretty sure this is illegal in 48 states…
Andy asking why Vicki as trying to talk Kelly out of divorcing. But now Vicki thinks that it’s for the best now.
They ask why Kelly is now friends with Shannon. Kelly says that she just likes Shannon and they have a lot in common. Yep, they are running for Co-Mayors of Crazy Town- you heard it here first kids!!!
I’ll steal your soul.
No, I’ll steal YOUR soul.
Shannon says that Kelly’s apology was really genuine and they made out on St Patrick’s Day.
Andy asks Tamra how she could forgive Kelly? Tamra says that Kelly is a fun person to be around but she is impulsive and when she gets mad, she just goes for the “juggler.” Does Tamra hang out with Teresa Giudice by chance? MisRed can’t be bothered to check the spelling of that dumb-ho-borderline-ape’s name.
We move onto Tamra and her issues, particularly her issues with her daughter, Sydney, Tamra’s estranged daughter. We review that Sydney hates her but she was invited to Sydney’s graduation. Tamra was so grateful and happy to be invited to graduation but she wishes she could have been more involved in her life. Andy gets to why they are now not speaking again. Tamra says she “accepts some blame” for that.
She says that there were stories coming out that she was NOT invited to the graduation so she posted a photo on social media as PROOF that she was there- which is something her daughter SPECIFICALLY asked her not to do
She says she was impulsive. Ok, what MisRed doesn’t get is how she is only accepting PART of the blame for this.
Shannon and her giant, desperately in need of a manicure, man-hand comforts Tamra in an artful close-up.
I didn’t know Shannon was part Bear
Andy says that Sydney put up a public Facebook post about the whole situation. Tamra cries- and actually has some real tears. Andy asks Tamra is she wonders if she wasn’t on the show if the whole situation would be different? Tamra thinks reality is a hard thing to keep hidden on a reality show. Andy asks Vicki her opinion on the sitch? Vicki thinks it’s sad, and Vicki has really only seen Tamra being a loving mother. Yeah well Vick also picked out that red dress and we see where that got her now, didn’t we?
Andy asks about Ryan and Sara and how that’s going? Tamra says they have been split up for 6 weeks and Sara has a boyfriend. One with all chromosomes I assume?
“So easy, a caveman could do it.”
Tamra just turned 50 and Andy says that she got a facelift. Frankly, I see no difference. Her next step is to get vaginal rejuvenation because she pees herself all the time.
Andy, I’m having 30 to 40 negative thoughts about this segment.
Andy moves on to Shannon- her weight gain and her inattentive husband. Of course, we review that Vicki is to blame. Then we get treated to Shannon trying to get off of her spin bike. Hahaha
Andy says that he has seen a lot of support from viewers about Shannon. Shannon has lost 25 pounds and has 15 more to go.
25lbs, NOT including the amputation of this unsightly growth
Shannon rationalizes that the stress from Vicki is what started the ball rolling on her weight gain, but she really doesn’t blame Vicki. Shannon says that the stress with David made her take her anger out on other people.
Andy asks what’s the status with David… and Shannon starts to cry- she says that she and David aren’t together anymore. They are living separately.
But she wants to be a role model for her kids and she wants to teach them positive things- and now they have a joyful home. She says that things really fell apart during a trip to Hawaii. Her daughters live with her full time. But what MisRed really needs to know is: how is Archie doing?
Are we watching the same show?
We look over and Vicki is fake crying- she thought that Shannon and David were doing well. Oh, I guess Vicki only watches HER scenes. She says IF she “was responsible for any of it, I’d feel awful.” IF.
Shannon says that Vicki isn’t responsible. Shannon says that she feels like they went from the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows and she asked David “What happened? We have some great years.”
And David replied, “We had a couple of great months.”
You know what, MisRed is feeling something. It doesn’t happen often- so grab your handlebars. MisRed had a relationship before she met MrRed- well, MisRed had SEVERAL, actually. I mean, look at me, MisRed is a vision…
But in this former relationship, MisRed was doing every ounce of the heavy lifting. She wanted it to work so badly because she really loved this person. But the guy was just non-participatory, he had his own issues and had no business being in a relationship at that time. It was like MisRed was constantly trying to nail a square peg into a round hole- despite best efforts it was never going to work. MisRed feels like Shannon and David’s marriage was like this. But Shannon take a word from MisRed- about 18 months after my relationship fell apart, that a-hole tried DESPERATELY to get back together with MisRed and MisRed was like… “Bye.” Then MisRed met MrRed and they lived happily ever after. Hopefully Shannon’s MrRed is right around the corner. But don’t try to steal MrRed because MisRed will cut a bitch and ain’t afraid to do the time. #nonspiritualgangster
Vicki says that she always wanted the best for Shannon and she’s even kept Shannon on her prayer list.
Is that before or after praying for a man who is 6 feet tall? Vicki says that she feels so bad but these women will be supportive and that Shannon deserves a good man.
Andy takes a poll and asks who thinks that Shannon is over David’s affair. Nobody does.
Show of hands?
Vicki lumbers off to lunch
We get some “off the record footage” while they women are going to lunch- which btw, is, some take-out sh*t in Styrofoam containers.
Is this the best you can do? Seriously, does Bravo need to hire MisRed to cater these reunions? MisRed is going to need to look at the Bravo catering budget because this is a travesty.
A girl can dream…
Next time, we address Vicki’s case of the Vickis in Iceland, Peggy’s stupidity and Vicki quits the show for the hundredth time. Please, can it stick this time???
Ok, the worst part is that I had more fun with the closed caption than with the actual reunion.
I can do it all- be a mom, and work and sell camels
Well, it’s a fitting capper to this season in Boresville. What do you guys think???
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