Skul, Trashies! And welcome back to Copenhagen for the contentious end to Dallas’ cast trip! We’re nearing the end of the season – the Reunion has already taped! – which means everything and everyone is in a flurry to get things done, to tie up loose ends, to get the horse back in the barn and batten down the hatches.
So unfortunately, that includes me, who has to attend a wedding 400 miles away tomorrow, and who has not the time to recap this properly, which means this will be a very abbreviated recap. The good news is, not much happened this episode except for…
Fucking Brandi. The harried pace has also caught up to and include Brandi, who spent this week snarling at LeeAnne like a peppy deluded ghost-haunted teenager, like the love child of Howard Hughes mixed with the top of a cheerleaders’ pyramid. Good god, was Brandi psychotic this episode.
First, the girls all decide what to do on the third day of the trip: cycling or boating. Cliques have formed in earnest at this point, so Cary – who by the way OWNS Denmark and thus has legislative jurisdiction over what its citizens and foreign visitors can or can’t do there – dictates that LeeAnne/This Bitch and Stephanie/Brandi must split up. LeeAnne calls shotgun on the outing at which she can drink, which is boating. Brandi jokingly whines that she can’t watch LeeAnne on a bike and look like “the Wicked Witch.”
Which, yes, is an obvious but uninspired joke, and wholly unnecessary at 7:30 in the morning and without provocation, unless you count LeeAnne not calling Brandi an alcoholic when Brandi’s been proactively and purposefully acting like an alcoholic this entire trip “provocation.”
So whatever, the girls all do their chintzy Ugly Americans in Copenhagen stuff, and since LeeAnne and D’Andra are on a boat with Stephanie, aided by her “calming” presence and shit loads of schnapps, they make up. There was some stuff with trampolines and the camera crew orchestrated everything to have the girls meet up “coincidentally” there and then go back to the hotel and I’m insulted.
Also, Cary used to date Lance Armstrong and I can totally see how that relationship kind of gelled?
At the hotel, the ladies all try to blend in with the locals by donning dirndls that Cary brought and they all skip on over to Trivoli, Copenhagen’s (and the world’s first, allegedly) carnival. LeeAnne gets all misty eyed because it reminds her of home, the greasy and hastily put-together portable death traps, the smell of hypertension wafting through the fryers, the comforting tone of toothless men hitting on her. Ah, home, she breathes, marveling at how something so distant – separated by a great big salty powerful ocean – can ring so familiar to her. Quel romance!
The sweeping nostalgia of it all puts her in a soft mood, so she apologizes to Brandi. Brandi, in turn, opens her mouth and a swarm of angry bees fly out along with some angry curse words, so I guess she’s not over it?
The next morning, the girls all head out to the coast to meet Cary’s family, a whimsical batch of scarecrows that stand out in a field and ask people riddles in that backwards language the little person on Twin Peaks speak. Aside from This Bitch’s visibly abhorrent pink vest, everyone is very cordial and they all sit to a lunch of pickled herring (which LeeAnne and Stephanie rudely and very obviously wretch over) and SHIT TONS OF ALCOHOL. Also, Mark surprised Cary at the house with Zuri and honestly it was so sweet that my tiny green heart grew three sizes that day, all the way up on Mount Crumpit, where I drink boxed wine with my sweet little dog and plot to steal fidget spinners from tiny children on Christmas Day.
Because it is good luck in Narnia, or wherever the fuck Copenhagen’s supposed to be (Germany? South Africa? A tiny snowflake floating through a Dr. Seuss novel?), the girls all take a skinny dip in the Baltic Ocean. We see the famous “Deuber Dick” that got sucked off at the round-up and I zoomed in at frame 703 and wouldn’t ya know it? There’s a small inscription that says “Simon wuz here.” I wonder how Simon is. I wonder how his kids are. I wonder so much about that poor adventurous wanderer.
Brandi gets all snizzed because LeeAnne, despite being told not to by the Whos in Whoville, is filming everything. She thinks that LeeAnne is keeping video footage of her totally artificial bewbs in Lake CopenSchmoofen to show the adoption agencies in Dallas and have Little Baby Brackle torn away from Brandi forever. This Bitch chimes in as the unlikely voice of reason, reminding us that Brandi is on a REALITY SHOW and got naked in front of AN ENTIRE FUCKING FILM CREW.
Leave it to the most obvious, delirious one of the bunch to pull us back to our senses, ya know? Brandi rails and rails throughout the rest of the episode, including at a fancy dinner, forgetting entirely what she signed up for. Oblivious to the fact that this is what we recruited these ladies for: to be in front of a lens, to bare their most intimate parts, to get naked and shameless. I hate to break it to you Brandi, but you’re a pawn. A tool. A sumptuous piece of flesh, offered up to us on a silver platter. You’re young and stupid and desperate, and you’re selling the only thing you know for a fact people will buy: your soft heat, your buttery body, but more than anything, your desire to please. Like countless women before you, you’re not a person. You’re just a girl on film. And we’ll watch you, drooling and drinking, licking our chops, never mind where our hands should stray. Keep shaking it, sweetheart.
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