Gossip Cop – I’m Boycotting 2017
Spoiler alert, courtesy of Gossip Cop: sentient Skoal ring Blake Shelton is bustin up off the ass of yerr man’s Diesel jeans and right onto the cover of People‘s Sexiest Man Alive issue, which hits stands on Wednesday. The official announcement will be made tomorrow, but for now, all you tireless, hard working Blake Shelton fans (what do you call yourselves? the Shel Station?) can blast up that Texoma Shore record and celebrate all life has to offer, like mediocre primetime talent shows and getting in fights with Adam Levine and cheating on Miranda Lambert and sexy half-open button-down shirts that… maybe you should reconsider.
🎉🎉🎉 Congratulations, Sexiest Man Alive! 🎉🎉🎉
Careful with all that magnetic dynamism.
E! – Dream Kardashian Makes it to 1 Year, Blames Current Situation on Just Recently Learning How to Use Legs
Happy birthday to the one redeeming consequence of the dread Rob & Chyna union, little Dream Kardashian. What a year it’s been for this poor child who probably thinks this is what a normal year is like. This helpless creature that through no fault of her own is stuck with Rob, or Chyna, or both, unable to escape because of her adorably chubby legs, ignorant to the very idea because Stockholm Syndrome. I guess the good news is that unless her parents blow up an aquarium or something her life is only looking up from here. So there’s that. Also, she looks soopa fucking cute in her mermaid outfit.
When I see this post, I like to imagine Rob & Chyna melting into one another to form an amorphous version of Ursula, and we spear them with the bow of a ship and then they sink down into the Atlantic Ocean and hit the ocean floor and live in the ocean forever with all the creepy crawly fish and yellow amoebas and dirty old boots and dark spooky shipwrecks, leaning and keening in the pressures of the deep, moaning out a sad, lonely song that no one but Ursula can hear.
People – OK, I Think This is an Allegation We Can All Get Behind
You guys, I know that ever since this whole Weinstein thing these TTCeleb posts have been sort of a drag, and divided us in the comments, and made me look like a crazy feminazi? maybe? but here’s something I think we can all take seriously. It’s finally time for us to all stand up and talk about the evils done unto us by that rotten, corporate scoundrel ~*~CHIPOTLE~*~. Supergirl‘s Jeremy Jordan leads the charge:
“I know I’ve advocated for them in the past, but they’re terrible,” he sobbed from the old abandoned hospital, rats crawling around his disheveled hair, dry vomit visible on his tattered johnnie. Past his shoulder, you can see a storm raging through the broken dirty window, drunken hobos paying no mind as they huddle in front of a flaming garbage can. “I, as you can see, am in the hospital and I have fluids in my arm because the food did not agree with me and I almost died,” Jordan continues, holding up the arm with the IV in it, rotten and gangrene as it is. Oh whoops! His hand falls off with a grainy crunch, spiders crawling up and around his exposed ulna bone. He soldiers through: “I just want to thank my wife for being amazing and talking me off the ledge when I was on the phone about to die and Chris Wood for holding my hair back metaphorically. I love all of you; thank you so much. It’s been a night.”
What a night indeed. But Chris, that’s why you skip the beans, girl.
Page Six – IMPORTANT NICKI HILTON UPDATE
BREAKING NEWS. We finally have a beat on the very elusive, very important, very fond-of-tuna-fish-and-sock-balls Nicholai Olivia Hilton:
Thanks, Page Six, for the incredibly informative scoop.
TMZ – Hey Man a Job’s a Job
TMZ really wanted to know if our sexy Nazi-killing dad Captain von Trapp (sorry, Christopher Plummer) had a hard time taking Disgracey Kevin Spacey’s role in the upcoming film All the Money in the World. Christopher Plummer is old and wonderful and doesn’t have time for anything other than shepherding his kids to safety in Switzerland so he just looked at the camera in that charming elderly way, slightly dazed, a little buzzed, and was like, NO!
Hahaha. That’s our papa. How lucky we are to have him.
[YES I HAVE A DAD CRUSH ON CAPTAIN VON TRAPP. GET A LIFE, INTERNET.]
Bonus: My theory about E! being run by a 15-year-old Taylor Swift fan continues to carry water. Just sayin.
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