We must’ve been good boys and girls last week because Bravo has finally given us this season’s taglines.
NeNe: Ten years in the game and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta. The taste of a ten year old peach > NeNe.
Porsha: Friends come and go but family is forever. Half of the African prince population comes and goes too. Allegedly.
Cynthia: Age is just a number but these cheekbones are timeless. You know what’s not timeless? The seven years it’ll take for Bar One to fall off your credit report.
Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss cuz you might get fired. An Apprentice inspired tribute to Donald Trump.
Kenya: While some were saying I can’t, I was saying I do. We’re all saying “Show me the receipts.”
Sheree: Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea. And also because you worked overnights at Denny’s during your three season hiatus.
This week, Todd and Kandi are still busy balancing work and family. Todd asks her for nasty texts so Kandi agrees to send a screenshot of Porsha’s SAT scores. Sheree is at the chateau struggling to open her rented curtains and pretending to raise Kairo. Kenya is at home sending emails and I wonder how Matt feels about not having joint custody of the dogs. Cynthia is bathing because that’s what you do when you’re newly divorced and on a Bravo reality show. At least she’s not in there singing Gaga lyrics and alienating her kids.
Porsha is moving her sister and niece into her house because she needs someone to film with her. She says that family is “forever”. Wait until her niece spills purple stuff on her clear hooker heels. Family will be “for sale”. She warns Lauren not to walk in on her when her bedroom door is closed because she’ll be watching Pornhub.
“I’m halfway through Thor: Rag and Cock.”
Porsha tells her family about her encounter with NeNe and says that since she won’t admit to wanting her fired, they didn’t make any progress. She says that things with Kandi are okay because she missed the part when Kandi rifled through her purse for Bitch Be Gone spray at Cynthia’s thirtieth 50th birthday party. It looks like we’ll be seeing more of Porsha’s family this season. Her brother stops by, her aunt Frederica Wilson II is there, Momma Diane and more. This arrangement means we’ll have to watch a infantile being play with toys, drool and learn her ABCs all season. And her niece Baileigh will be on the show too!
Cynthia meets a blindfold wielding mystery date at an abandoned chicken coop. On top of that, he’s a photographer who has surprised her with a photo shoot. This is beyond creepy. Her head is going to be pasted onto a bunch of nudes or worse, pamphlets for the Bailey Agency. A mutual, unnamed friend set them up for a date and Cynthia refers to him as Norbit with swag.
I was thinking W. Kamau Hell-No.
Then he leads her to his studio which is filled with candles and I guess dead chickens from his coop. He’s only 29 so Cynthia isn’t quite interested in dating him but will consider using his eyeglasses as a mold for Bailey Eyewear’s serial killer line.
Sheree meets with her life coach Jack Daniels because only Sheree could have a life coach named Jack Daniels.
“Call me a bad server because I always put you in plastic cups.”
Sheree wants to be able to talk about her abuse baggage without crying. Jack tells her that she has to talk to the kids about it regardless of the shame she feels. He tells her to sit down and rehearse telling the kids about the abuse. Since this was an emotional scene, I present a palate cleanser:
Cynthia and Kenya are friends again now that the former discovered the dogs weren’t invited to the wedding either. Cynthia wanted to be on the singles rental scene with Kenya but now that she got married, Cynthia will have to figure out how to negotiate her lease to own contract. Kenya recalls how she met Marc. Chef Robles introduced them at Marc’s restaurant and spoke very highly of him. Kenya wondered why she couldn’t meet a man that excites another man so much. She says they didn’t start dating until months later. So we’re just gonna act like Ty-Matt-Osaurus Rex wasn’t smushed in there somewhere? Cynthia supports Kenya’s desire for privacy because even she wishes she’d protected her marriage, and PayPal password, more.
Kandi meets Shamea to shop for the wedding trip. Kandi says it’s in Africa, which is a whole continent, so I assume it’s in the part production didn’t get banned from on their last trip. They have to wear African garb the night before the wedding so they try on different outfits. Sheree shows up to work out her PTSD from her African argument with Marlo.
Porsha isn’t going on the trip because the first class tickets are $10,000. Kandi says that she has seven people going and she and Shamea aren’t even childhood friends like she and Porsha are. Shamea would rather Porsha just say that she doesn’t want to be there rather than use money as an excuse. And why is Kandi traveling across the world for a friend she’s only had for a few years?
Porsha’s big storyline is that she’s only putting two legged animals in her mouth from now on. She’s becoming vegan but vegans can still eat Kandi, right?
Kenya is at home with the dogs that Matt built. She calls her friend Brandon and fondly recalls the seclusion of St. Lucia versus all of the blogs and the lack of privacy they have back home – their separate homes. He tells her to ignore what people are saying but in a few minutes she has a breakdown with a producer. Kenya is worried because Marc can’t eat or sleep with all of the attention they’re getting. He fought his mother just to be able to marry Kenya and his ex has been sending him stories about Kenya’s past boyfriends. So, his mother was against it and her father was against it, no friends were invited and she’s not pregnant? There’s something fishy here and it’s not just the herrings Matt’s been leaving on her doorstep.
Sheree films at Kandi’s house because the chateau is having the helipad installed this week. Sheree wants to tell her kids about the abuse but she wants to practice outside of the chateau which apparently has walls so thin that Sheree is afraid her kids will overhear this dress rehearsal. This chateau took longer to build than Noah’s Ark and she couldn’t afford the 1/2 inch drywall? Kandi gives Sheree an example of what she could say to the kids.
Kandi: Yes, there was abuse in our marriage but I don’t want you to tiptoe around me, like you did around the condo when mommy’s special friend visited and you had to deflate the air mattress and pretend to be the help, if you have questions.
Sheree gains the confidence to pose questions to her friends who are playing her kids. She explains that there was physical, mental and emotional abuse and she did some things she isn’t proud of.
Sheree: Not my fashion show though. Who else could have pulled off a fashion show with no fashions?
Cynthia is helping Noelle, her 17 year old daughter, pack for a trip to see her boyfriend in North Carolina. I’m not a parent so I’m just going to keep my thoughts to myself but:
Porsha, Lauren, Kandi, Karmon and Sheree all attend Shamea’s bridal shower. Things are still awkward with Porsha and Kandi but not more awkward than Porsha confusing Sheree for Kim in her blonde wig and Marlboro man hat. When all of the ladies gather at the table, Shamea calls Porsha out for not attending the Kenyan part of the wedding. Porsha says that she attended the American version but hasn’t been able to find a Waze route to Kenya. Also, we all know that Porsha has a problem getting enough blood to her brain and travel, particularly in coach, is dangerous.
While she explains this to Shamea, Karmon unleashes a string of insults not heard since, well, last season of this show. Porsha didn’t seem to hear any of them but I’m sure we’ll get an earful at the reunion. Shamea admits to not even reading the information about the condition Porsha has because she should make her way there even if they have to prop her corpse up Weekend at Bernie style to get through customs.
The women break up the day with a game in which they have to get a hot dog into a hole in a cup. The first one to get it in gets to keep the hot dog.
Sheree’s bringing home a FUPA to Table special for the kids tonight.
As the women depart, Shamea and Porsha have a confrontation in the car. Shamea accuses Porsha of not being there for her since all of the Phaedra stuff took place. Porsha is upset that Shamea called her out publicly and especially in front of Kandi & Co. Porsha decides to love Shamea from a distance because they can’t make it work.
Shamea: Just give me a hug and it’ll be okay.
Porsha: I can’t travel to the passenger seat. Did you not read my doctor’s note at all?!
Next week, NeNe is back and there’s some kind of old school party. Sheree tries to throw a party for her mom but yet another party planner throws her into a fit of anger and Cynthia dates an older, cuter, balder dude. What’d you think? Should Porsha go to the wedding? Should Shamea be mad? Will Porsha remain a vegan? Will Sheree keep wearing that wig? Love you for reading and commenting!
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