Greetings!! Happy pre-Thanksgiving week! Well, I guess next week will STILL technically be pre-Thanksgiving week…. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing great and having fun, and if you had your eyes done- don’t cry, for heavens sake.
Or if your friend has had their eyes done… don’t make them cry! Yeah, Gina- are you listening?!!??!
Y’all, how terrible are these California wildfires? It’s so devastating and sad. And you know Vicki is sitting there saying “Yah, well, this is why you have insurance. And a job. Get a job. And buy insurance from me. Wait…what if Vicki set the fire to make a point??
No, No, MisRed is REFUSING to go there.
But what if she did?
TMI, as always.
Anyway… where were we? Vicki had her 100th plastic surgery procedure. Like the 100th Housewife. Remember when they made a huge deal about Piggy being the 100th Housewife? Ugh, and she was a total dud. Maybe she should have had Piggy surgically attached to her face. It couldn’t make her look worse, am I right? It might have made Piggy more exciting as well.
With the new eyes, can she still be blindsided?
Shannon had her eyes done, just in time for Gina to tell her what a bad friend Tamra is. Tamra lifted on both her sh*t-stirring cape AND her VICTIM cape… which is a little much on her small frame.
I will claw your eyes out, betch!
Tamra called Gina out for telling Shannon that Tamra has been talking about her. How does Tamra know Gina told Shannon? Well… it’s because Shannon told her. What else? Emily had another meltdown of her “fertility journey” and Turtle was just about as supportive as you might expect. The girls are “worried” about Shannon’s mental health.
The episode opens with Gina is packing. She needs to move stuff to her Casita. It looked pretty full last week, what else is she moving there? More inspirational signs? Gina really needs to enter some kind of “Crap Annonymous.” Either that or obtain a good gay friend who can set her on the path to good taste. Kelly stops by Gina’s house. Kelly is like “This is cute.” And by cute she means… tacky.
Gina’s Hot Mess Homestead
Gina thinks living part-time in the Casita (aka Studio, aka Tiny Sad Room) is a new chapter. Kelly sees a photo of Gina’s husband for the first time and is ready to hop on top of Gina’s leftovers.
Hmmm. She didn’t do the same with Shannon. Another reason for Shannon to be mad. Picture the reunion “And Kelly, how DARE you not want to hop on top of MY leftovers!! David. David! David? Is a VERY handsome satanic troll!! I’m blindsided.”
Tamra stops by Vicki’s to see how she can mock her for her latest surgery. She’s greeted by Steve the CC&FL.
The Crypt Keeper will see you now.
Cut to Vicki sitting on the couch waiting for someone to wait on her. Steve is like… Yeah, I tried to kill her, but she pulled through.
Tamra sits down with Vicki and says she’s annoyed… by Gina. Tamra tells Vicki the whole story; Gina told Shannon everything the girls were saying about her in Jamaica. Vicki doesn’t understand- she thought everyone was over Jamaica. Yeah, right. Did the surgeon remove a piece of Vicki’s brain?
Oh wait, Vicki doesn’t have a brain, forgive me, I forgot.
Brain or not, Shannon NEVER forgets ANYTHING.
Tamra says Gina shouldn’t just drop bombs on Shannon… because Tamra is not doing fake.
LOL. Yeah! Tamra doesn’t do fake… with her dyed hair and false eyelashes, and her facelift and fillers, botox, her warped floor, micro-bladed brows, gay husband (allegedly) and her fake boobs.
Tamra: Genuinely Fake.
Guys, Tamra is SO REAL.
Gina and Kelly discuss the Tamra / Shannon situation and how Shannon told Gina she was in a “custody situation” and needed to know what was being said about her. Gina’s reasoning for telling Shannon what all of the women said is Shannon ASKED.
Yeah, well… MisRed may ask you if she looks fat, but that doesn’t mean she wants to hear she’s fat.
Gina thinks Shannon was manipulating her. Great powers of observation there Gina. And in other news, water is wet.
Where am I?
Tamra tells Vicki about the confrontation with Gina and she, of course, portrays herself as the victim and in the best light possible. And Vicki sits there going “MmmHmm, MmmHmm.” I think Steve slipped Vicki a horse tranquilizer.
Tamra reveals she was STUNNED, because the conversation turned from Gina holding Tamra hostage and throwing her down a well and attempted to sell her into a Mexican Geriatric Sex Trafficking ring to Gina wanting to talk about her birthday party.
How dare this betch not dwell on how she hurt Tamra. How DARE SHE?!!?
Every year, Gina tells us, she wears sequins on her birthday. THAT’S her big tradition?
Vicki can’t go to Gina’s party. There are too many opportunities for accidents at Gina’s house. Falling Ross Dress for Less signs, street urchins under foot… plus Vicki could contract a case of the tackys at Gina’s house. A case of the tackys on top of the Vickis could be deadly, and the CDC hasn’t released the newest vaccination.
Emily, we learn, invited Tamra to her house for a cup-reading. Tamra is like… read the tag on my bra- that’s my cup, betch. Vicki shakes her head “No desire. VooDoo. No desire.”
I doo voo 4 times a day, if he’ll let me.
Oh shut-up Vicki. It’s fun. Vicki has no problem believing her parents are birds tapping out morse code on her office window but refuses to participate in a little reading of her tea leaves. Probably because Tamra’s psychic was the first one to say Brooks was faking cancer.
Vicki is on a painkiller. She is very subdued. Don’t get me wrong, MisRed can almost tolerate this version of Vicki. Oh, and I’ll have whatever she’s having.
Kelly and Gina arrive at her “casita” which Gina has decorated with tacky crap.
Gina’s Hot Mess Casita
Gina feels sad for her kids. MisRed does too. This is the crap they will inherit if Gina gets hit by a flying Vicki. But, it is kind of nice to have a housewife who can feel things. She still doesn’t know how to address the situation with her kids. She rehearses a couple of scenarios on Kelly and Kelly is like… Uh yeah, who cares.
Shannon goes to the Doctor for a post-op check-up. She doesn’t feel like she has full range of motion yet.
But when will I be able to do Ramona eyes?
The Doctor tells her she will soon be rolling her eyes again- this makes Shannon happy as she has a list of people who will be getting an eye-roll, the stink-eye, the evil-eye and judgy-eyes, so the sooner she is back to normal the better.
At Kelly’s house, Jolie is doing Kelly’s make-up. Kelly is getting ready to attend Jolie’s play. Jolie notes “It’s a PG Show so you shouldn’t be showing your boobs” as she whips open Kelly’s shirt. Jolie, forever the voice of reason. THANK YOU. Then Kelly asks her if she looks like a hooker and Jolie is like… Yes.
In Emily’s tank, she is preparing for the cup-reading party. Her kids are running around like lunatics and she, of course, is doing nothing to corral them. But yeah, let’s have another one. Emily has, previously, had her cup read and the reader told her she would have three children. So why is she pushing it trying to have four kids? If the cup reader said it… it is so.
Tamra arrives at Emily’s house. She isn’t sure if she believes in psychics. I mean, they exist. It’s not like, you know, the Easter Bunny or something. Wait… I hope I didn’t just spoil it. I should have said “Spoiler Alert: The Easter Bunny isn’t real, and you need to know because Tamra doesn’t DO FAKE.”
Gina arrives and, again, Tamra ices Gina. LOL. Tamra is the Queen of Bitch Mountain.
Staaaaahhhhppp, don’t be a Dorrrrrrrk!
Kelly arrives at Jolie’s school for her “performance” of Oliver.
Jolie wants some more.
She sees Michael and he compliments her on her hair, but doesn’t like how it’s covering her face. They have a cute little exchange which would have been enough for Vicki to order a new set of teeth and take out a life insurance policy had it been her. They sit together and enjoy the show and are a little touchy / feelie during the show. These two boned that night. MisRed would put her money on it
Going to poundtown in 3..2…1…
Parry, Emily’s Mother in law, arrives to the cup reading party.
Does she sleep in that pocketbook?
Gina compliments her on her “pocketbook.” Tamra thinks it’s strange to call Parry’s pocketbook a pocketbook. Nice that Tamra is focusing on the stuff that really matters and not delving into the trivial, isn’t it?
Emily and Gina begin to discuss the Shannon situation. Emily texted Shannon after her surgery to check on her, she wasn’t sure we would get a reply, but she did. Gina says she’s over Shannon. Well that was quick. She was just making out with her two episodes ago. Gina doesn’t like how Shannon can take the smallest bit of information and twist it and turn it into a huge deal.
Well that’s a personality trait required by a minimum of one member of every Housewives cast. For example:
It’s about Tom
How can I throw these two big betches under the oncoming bus.
Gina says Tamra has never been a bad friend to her and that’s all she really cares about. Tamra interviews she has never known Shannon to be a liar, but she has also never known Gina to be a shit-stirrer, so she really doesn’t know what to do. What Tamra really means is she’s pissed these two women are trying to steal her role(s) on the show.
The cup reader arrives, and the girls gather round, and the reader looks at Tamra’s cup. She tells Tamra she has a lot going on in her life, she suggests Tamra may divorce. She moves onto Emily’s cup, she tells her she has a nice heart and nice life, and someone has done a lot for her and she needs to thank this person. And soon a bird will give her good news on the telephone. It’s probably Vicki’s dad… who has learned, as a bird, to make phone calls. Gina thinks it’s all bullshit.
Emily has done a good job preparing this reader.
The reader sees Gina “signing a paper.” Ground breaking. She asks Gina who in her life has a SH in her name? This person needs help.
This reader is the worst. She didn’t even mention Vicki’s Mahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaammmmmm.
Gina is like- really?!?! Shannon is coming out of my tea leaves. Regardless- she already KNEW she was supposed to be helping Shannon. Yes, helping to slowly drive her to the asylum.
Gina tells the girls about her birthday party and – remember- they must wear sequins. Sounds like a party MisRed does not need to attend. Tamra is leaning toward NOT going to the party. I’m sure everyone will be devastated and will never recover.
I’m going to go outside to change my mind.
Gina is in her Casita getting ready. Her friend is there getting ready as well… but she has to get ready outside because the Casita is the size of a KCup. It seems Tamra HAS committed to joining the party. Phew! MisRed was so worried we wouldn’t get Tamra’s bad vibes at the party.
Crap. Another friend shows up. Gina is upset, for the first time in 11 years she isn’t getting a birthday card from her husband. Uh yeah, that’s what happened when you get divorced. Then Gina gets a text that her son got the game ball in his game, of course that upsets her, because she was AT the game, but didn’t stay for the whole thing because she had to go get hosed down in sequins.
Your kid will never remember today…
She FaceTimes the kid to congratulate him, but it leaves her in tears. Her friends try to cheer her up. Gina realized she’s going to miss monumental moments in her kids’ lives. If divorce were great for the kids… everybody would be doing it instead of just half.
This shirt goes with my new face. New and expensive, yet still looks like hell.
Over at Vicki’s house, she is dressed in “Homeless Chic” as MisRed likes to call it. A shirt that’s full of holes and probably cost $300. She’s trying to channel Dorit. I mean, she’s halfway there, she already is a twatwaffle and a scammer. She just needs the bloated douchey husband and she’ll be all set.
Your face is never going to get any better, Mom.
Michael shows up and is pissed off because Vicki didn’t tell him she was having surgery. She didn’t tell Briana either. I mean, in fairness, Vicki has plastic surgery the third Tuesday of every month, so you would think he’d be used to it by now. The reason she didn’t tell the kids is because they would have told her not to have the surgery.
You know what Vicki- f*ck you. You shouldn’t hide sh*t from your kids… or your Doctor. It’s just STUPID.
Three policies on Donn.
Someone wrap Donn in bubblewrap please.
Vick then drags out “the black box” which contains all of Vicki’s insurance information. She has life insurance on Donn, the kids, even Troy. OMG. This betch is too much. Seriously, nothing better happen to Donn. I do not need to have Vicki ruining my favorite show: Dateline.
Is Vicki a secret Black Widow in training? No matter who dies, she is collecting.
Vicki thought it was important to make sure her insurance policies were in order before her surgery. Don’t tell your kids, just keep your policies updated. She promises she won’t have any more elective surgeries.
And then in THE NEXT BREATH, in her interview, she says that if she needs to have something tweaked, she will. She doesn’t need her kids’ permission.
No, she doesn’t, but hello, for some reason they LOVE you and want you to be around. I mean, I don’t get it, but hey… it takes all kinds. Some women fall in love with serial killers. I don’t understand that either, but it happens.
Coming up: someone gets an enema.
Emily arrives at Social to set up Gina’s birthday party table. She has tablecloths and flowers and a cake. Everything. Jeez.
Pretty. But not enough wooden signs for Gina.
Back at Vicki’s she asks Steve CC&FL if she can have a drink- she needs to calm down. Why is she so amped up? Steve tells her the doctor said she shouldn’t have alcohol. But he hands her a Xanax.
Let me get you some strychnine.
With an antifreeze chaser…
Two can play the Life Insurance Game
Shannon is coming over and she hasn’t pooped since surgery and they need to help her.
I mean, what is their plan exactly? Look up the hole and call for it? This sounds like a job for Dr. Moon. He would just use Shannon like a trampoline until the poop shot out of her.
Kelly shows up at the restaurant for Gina’s party. She’s in a sequined top and rubber pants. Looks nice and cool. The other girls begin arrive. It’s a sequin sh*t show.
Sequins R Us was having a BOGO
Tamra hasn’t arrived. Gina says she never confirmed with her.
Well she should have because Tamra arrives at Vicki’s house, dressed as an old lady.
Well Tamra says she doesn’t do fake. Finally, we see the REAL Tamra.
Eddie, please glimpse your future.
Tamra made Vicki a casserole. Actually, two casseroles. Vicki is in her glory. “Finally, someone brought be a casserole when I’m sick!!”
Ok, A) you aren’t sick. You are recovering from ELECTIVE surgery. B) When you were demanding a casserole previously, you weren’t sick then either. You were licking your wounds from being duped by a con- man or participating in a con or Killing All Cancer or whatever. Stupid isn’t a sickness.
Expectations are the mother of disappointment.
Tamra also brought Vicki an enema.
Thought you might need some help getting your head out of your ass
Frankly, they are all full of sh*t so Tamra should have brought a multi-pack.
Oh look! She did!!
Then Tamra “realizes” she never called Gina to cancel. What a great friend. Gina FaceTimes Tamra and Tamra doesn’t answer.
What the actual F*ck?
Shannon shows up at Shady Pines and gets into her matching granny outfit.
Then Kelly texts Tamra to see where is she? Tamra is not sure what to do. She should be mortified- she has the worst manners.
Tamra decides to do am enema, so they go into the bathroom. Shannon is planning to assist. Ew.
Gina reveals Matt called her and tried to have phone sex with her for her birthday. Great. This is really the most logical divorce ever. Emily decides she’s going to throw a Femme Fatale party. Great. Who cares. Let’s see who Turtle throws out this time.
Here’s to dentures and soft food!!
Back at Vicki’s house, Tamra, Vicki and Shannon sit around eating casserole and they toast to Jesus. Kelly calls to see where the f*ck Tamra is?
Tamra answers and says that she forgot about Gina’s party. Uh huh.
Tamra didn’t care enough to ice me in person????
In the background the women at Gina’s party are making fun of them, saying they are playing bridge and putting on foot cream.
Here’s another example of Shannon HAVING FUN!!
Shannon says, seriously irritated, “They are making fun of you in the background!!” Wait, is she blindsided?
Gina thinks Tamra is acting like an asshole. She is. She always is.
The girls are like- Ok, go play bridge. After they hang up the call, Vicki says “I don’t want that life.” No, she would rather pee herself at Andale’s, eat street tacos and participate in a Donkey Show. Not that there is anything wrong with street tacos.
Tamra says she is happy she didn’t go to Gina’s.
Shannon, you were NEVER that girl.
Yeah, all that laughter was really depressing.
Hang on… Tamra gets out her paddle. Tamra says, at The Deck, Emily said Shannon’s behavior reminds her of her own mother- who has mental illness. Wait, now Shannon is blindsided. She really thinks Emily has no business diagnosing her.
Shannon says, “This is a person who, not once, but twice, threatened to KILL Kelly.” LOL. Oh Shannon. Shannon says Emily is an attorney and should understand that is unethical.
Which? Threatening to kill someone or accusing someone of being mentally ill?
Emily vows to throw a REALLY FUN party!!
Well that should be a nice change from all of your other parties.
Wait… next week is the Season Finale? Hmmm. Ok. Seems like an incredibly short, incredibly boring season.
Next week, Emily’s Mom comes for a visit- she got a furlough from the Funny Farm, apparently.
Oh, they let her out of the straight jacket.
Shannon says Emily and Gina are sh*t stirrers. Yeah, well, they fit right in. Emily has her Femme Fatale party.
OC or American Horror Story? Hard to tell.
Gina confronts Shannon and Shannon deflects onto Emily making a big deal of Emily “threatening” to kill Kelly for calling her husband a little bitch and a dork.
And here you forced me to wear my grandmother’s couch slipcover to your party!!!
Great. Can’t wait. I can’t wait in the same way I can’t wait to go to the Dentist and have my teeth drilled and filled without Novocain. This season has been a STRUGGLE.
What do you guys think? Who should get the boot for next season? I’d be down for a complete recast save Kelly and possibly Shannon if she got her sh*t together and stopped acting like a screaming banshee. Plus, we must have Archie.
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