This week starts where last week stopped; is Porsha getting her engagement ring or a lifetime supply of Weenie Tots? Unfortunately, it was neither. Her boyfriend gifted her a Rolex that she can use 23/6, 265 weeks a year. Dennis knows that Porsha really wanted a ring so he distracts her by having a steak cooked in their poorly ventilated hotel room. I’m sure the guy is a legit “private chef” but I’m also sure that Dennis knows an Applebee’s cook who’d put on a fancy hat, throw green leaves next to a steak and call it gourmet for fifty bucks. Since the cast is talking to Porsha this season, she doesn’t have to pretend to be a vegan for a plot line anymore. She changes into an ultra tight dress reserved for eating only the most well done of God’s creatures but has to unzip it because the only thing that will be choking her out has to buy her dinner first.
We find out that Porsha’s mom hasn’t met Dennis yet although they’ve gone ring shopping on TV. That’s odd considering Miss Diane has made it no secret that she wants a son in law again; she misses eating pepperoni pizza on white sofas that she doesn’t have to clean. She also says that she doesn’t ask Dennis too many questions because she thinks that other women have done that in the past and that’s why they’re stuck at home instead of eating crispy cows and getting police auction Rolex watches.
Dennis had plans for them to go to the club but Porsha wants him to stay in the room and do sex stuff. She’s already gotten the Miami trip, a Rolex and meat products – this is when a good gold digger doesn’t bother to have sex anymore. I guess she really wanted that baby in her so we’re left to imagine them leaving a streak of meat sweats on the hotel sheets.
The next morning Dennis gives her a diamond cross necklace. I feel like he bought all of this stuff off of some guy in Times Square. He’s determined to bejewel her like she’s a 90’s rapper. She asks him to get her a toothbrush and an underarm shaver because Porsha. First, how did she bring five suitcases with the help of an assistant yet she neglected to bring a toothbrush? Second, have “shavers” always been marketed for specific body parts? Third, I thought rich people lasered their body hair? Fourth, when did this become the Porsha show? The first two episodes seem to be pure spite for Kenya not giving Bravo access to her relationship and wedding. Fifth, is it me or do they seem not that into each other? I feel like Porsha is practically winking at the camera during every scene with him. I think she wants a baby but won’t mind collecting some gifts along the way. Sixth, did they meet at a hot dog eating competition because he sure loves to feed her.
Anyway, Porsha asks for Dennis’s toothbrush because she is unbelievably gross! Ironically, this weekend my boyfriend and I were discussing how back in the Newlywed days Jessica Simpson thought daily tooth brushing was ridiculous. Now her philistine twin is leading the plaque parade. Like, why? Why?! We knew she was suspect when the matchmaker went to her house and it looked like a halfway house for wayward dolts but now this?! I’m starting to think that NeNe should have just burned that tie dye outfit Porsha tried on last week.
Dennis tries to avoid the toothbrush request by changing the subject but Porsha is persistent. She tries to steal it from him but he’s already hidden it. These are red flags – and possibly gums – people. Porsha decides to turn this into a real fight since she can’t get her way. She questions where Dennis went last night for several hours. He said that he went to the club with his friend. She’s upset that he came back drunk and late which ironically will be the order in which she gets pregnant. She drops the fight when she realizes that he doesn’t care what she says because he wears the sperm in this relationship. Also, Dennis’ role in this relationship appears to be “life coach”. He’s always telling her that they’re running late and making her sit down to eat. It’s like some kind of pre-school, drill sergeant role play. Also, I’d love a man who could get me everywhere on time and then just feed me the rest of the day. I’m officially on the Dennis train.
Meanwhile, NeNe is getting her Miami shop ready for her opening and Gregg is there because he’s managing the comedy show. She says that she’s a serial entrepreneur but doesn’t like to tell people what she’s doing. That’s a solid marketing strategy.
Porsha calls NeNe and says that she may surprise her with Dennis. We are reminded that NeNe hates surprises. Remember how angry she got at the IRS for that whole “surprise, you owe us money” bit? The rest of the women have made their way to Miami and Marlo is annoyed that her room is so small. Eva must be gearing up for a fight with Marlo this season because she keeps commenting on how “extra” she is. If by “extra” Eva means “a scammer who is capable of murder”, Eva is right on the money. Marlo proceeds to dupe the bellhop into helping her steal Porsha’s huge suite. Take notes people – always have an accomplice.
The women all meet backstage at NeNe’s show. Porsha walks in first and then the others join her. NeNe is genuinely surprised. They all talk to Gregg who’s job is to basically make the audience cry every episode. The comedy show starts and even the comics backstage are crying over Gregg. NeNe says that everyone loves Gregg even if they hate her. I hope Gregg has supervision because she might try to Misery his ass if he gets too much attention.
After the show, the women go to a rooftop but this year Porsha isn’t crying due to lack of dairy consumption, Marlo isn’t wearing cat ears that she ripped off an endangered species and NeNe has selected an argument proof wig. Marlo and Porsha bury the hatchet and Kandi extends an olive branch by warning Porsha not to move too fast with her boyfriend. Kandi knows who Porsha is dating but doesn’t reveal the info to the group. She’ll let this one unfold naturally like Marlo’s legs at the Republican National Convention. Porsha brings up the toothbrush sharing incident and Kandi realizes that her advice is too little, too late. Once you share cavity cooties, that man has got you wrapped around his little hot dog.
They go to their rooms. Porsha and Marlo have a laugh at the room switch situation but Porsha makes it clear that she does not negotiate with terrorists and will keep her suite. NeNe says that Marlo is used to the projects so the small room shouldn’t be an issue for her. The projects? I think NeNe mispronounced jail cell.
The next morning Porsha wakes up in her bed but is surrounded by Marlo’s assortment of Gucci flip flops and Versace pants. Naturally, nasty Porsha puts all of this on and seems to strongly consider using Marlo’s electric toothbrush. Ain’t no party like a Sonicare party cuz a Sonicare party don’t stop – until Dennis hides it.
Marlo has somehow commandeered a portion of Porsha’s suite with her glam squad but Porsha has already made up for the invasion by stretching Marlo’s pants to infinity and beyond. When Porsha was heading out the night before, her elevator had to stop in Marlo’s room so they ended up partying together. Marlo got to meet Dennis and likes his money. They agree to have a fresh start in their friendship and have fun until production tells them otherwise.
Next, the women go to the boutique opening. They complain for the entire two block walk but I understand the sheer horror of walking for more than 12 seconds in the heat and humidity of Florida in heels no less. My thoughts and prayers are with the cast. At the boutique, there’s a big crowd of what I assume are “Instagram humans” who are a step above “Twitter people”. Gregg is there but has to go outside eventually to regroup. All of the women gather around to help him cool down and rest. NeNe encourages him to tell some silly jokes and they all humor him for a while. And just like that, Gregg has met his ‘make everyone at home cry’ quota for the week. I really hope he beats this especially because housewife husbands seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to health.
Next week, Kandi introduces the new girl and her hubby and it seems to backfire. NeNe and Gregg visit a doctor and Porsha shows her mom all of the white couches they can eat meat on in Dennis’ house. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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