Post-Ali boot, Chrissy’s patting herself on the back about being the boss of the three-man Yellow tribe.
Still don’t like you, you sanctimonious (notice the cranked-wrist display of the wedding ring) has-been.
It’s Day 17 at the Red tribe, and they make a pact to stay an alliance into the merge. Ben interviews that he hopes to pull in Desi and Joe with their new alliance of five, but Cole’s and Jessica’s relationship still makes him nervous.
Over at Blue, everyone is super hungry and tired. All they have left to eat is about a tablespoon of sugar, which they split between the four. Watching Joe lick sugar crystals off his palm is strangely disturbing.
I’m doing this for dem babies.
The editors really play up Blue’s close-to-death starvation, including a pan out shot of Devon laying on the beach,
while all the Survivor castaways from Seasons 1-5 who are watching right now wave their canes around and call them pussies.
REWARD CHALLENGE! First, though, it’s MERGE time! Probst laughs at their starvation before sending them around the corner to a hastily constructed Outback Steakhouse.
It’s a co-branding opportunity made in heaven.
Ben is inordinately excited that the cut of meat they will be served is bone-in ribeye. Whatever floats your boat, Cowboy.
Though we all know that bacon-wrapped filet is a far superior cut.
We are talking about Outback, though, so I guess it doesn’t matter which type of “steak” they serve. I’ve cut into many an Outback steak and been horrified to find the injection holes for all the good-tasty-chemicals they put in them before I finally sacked up and learned to grill steaks myself. The castaways also get loaded baked potatoes, salad, and alcohol, ’cause that makes sense. Joe wets his pants the way Ben did about the steak when he finds out they get the awkwardly-monikered “Chocolate Thunder from Down Under”. Of course, they cut to Desi after Probst says that, because the producers don’t care anymore.
I actually prefer Vanilla Thunder from Down Under.
The Merge Meal is the exercise in hedonism we are all used to at this point. I think TPTB want everyone to drink so they can get some Tyrese Gibson moments but it doesn’t happen. Joe, the turd, orders two steaks WELL DONE. Why? It’s no longer meat at that point. It’s just carbon and a waste of calories to chew and chew and chew. Cole whines that his regular daily caloric intake is about 8,000. That explains the fainting spell, but how many rocks does Cole climb? That’s sumo wrestler calories.
Why are you wasting stomach space on salad then, dumbass?
Joe razzes Cole about fainting and tells him to order more food. Cole didn’t know they could, and Joe tells him he ordered as high as he could count.
This many. And if the producers have their way, I’ll find that many more idols, too.
Chrissy is getting annoyed with this new-to-her guy, “Joe”, who’s displaying a lot of obnoxious confidence and making her worried about running this game solo.
Someone needs to learn the ru-ules …
Chrissy fake fan girls over Joe to get him to spill about the idol he found at Yellow. She surmises that he may have found one at Blue, too. Then she has the cojones to talk strategy – in stage whispers – to Ben in front of everyone, while Ben interviews that no one knew (make that USED TO KNOW) they even had an alliance before this merge feast. Chrissy brushes off his fears
… or too much tequila in my system to care how loud I’m talking.
and says she’s worried Joe found an idol at the Blue camp. Jess is just worried about trying to pull Joe and Desi back into the original Healers alliance.
At the new merge camp (everyone’s new buff is purple), they’re combining resources, Cole says. He mentions they even have some long nails (random) to build their new shelter, and that he’s looking for an idol or clues to one. Even he knows that Survivor producers use every transition in the season to hide approximately 14,567 idols. The editors highlight the clue in the bundle of nails, but Cole misses it – even as he reaches into the bundle to pull out a nail.
Can’t have the dumb ones getting the idol and using it for its intended purpose or anything.
Jess firms up her original alliance by chatting privately with Desi. They agree they’ll use Joe as long as its convenient and then get rid of him. Devon takes a walk with Ryan.
Ryan has finally put some shorts on so we don’t have to be frightened by his localized elephantitis.
Ryan explains (in small words) to Devon that they are now going for a former Hustlers with former Heroes alliance (7 people) against the former Healers (5 people). Devon’s on board. Devon talks to Lauren, who plays along. Lauren then interviews that she wants to maintain her alliance with Red, and runs to tell Mike about the plan to take out the Healers. Mike and Lauren swear on their children that their Red alliance is strong. We know how that goes.
Reddit is still online only because Survivor contestants swear on their children.
Devon talks with Ben and Chrissy at the well about getting one of the Healers out first, specifically Joe, who’s a strategic threat, or Cole, who’s a physical threat. Ben is pissed at Cole, who continues his selfish-with-food campaign, crunching on cinnamon sticks. Cole tells Devon to try the cinnamon while Ben walks down to the beach and complains to Jess and Lauren about Cole eating by himself AGAIN. Cole makes his way down to the beach, because he needs Jess’s hourly reminder to breathe, and they warn him to quit being a two-year-old, and that Ben complained about him.
Meanwhile, Ben’s trying to convince Mike to get rid of Cole. Mike’s reluctant to break that alliance, and talks Ben off the ledge. Mike then goes and warns Cole that everyone’s vote is for either him or Joe so Cole has some work to do.
What would the fourth Hemsworth brother do?
FIRST INDIVIDUAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE! The necklace is as Home Shopping Network as ever. The challenge is to keep a ball rolling on a circular track that each tribemember holds while balancing on a platform then stepping periodically down a progressively narrower beam. Drop the ball or fall off the beam, you’re out.
At least it’s not a puzzle.
Ryan only lasts a few seconds. Mike is the next to go. Jess drops, then Ben, JP and Devon. Lauren is next and then Joe. After 10 minutes and multiple recoveries, Cole drops and quickly following is Chrissy. Now it’s just Ashley and Desi. It’s been 30 minutes and Probst asks for the tribe to do some quick math and say how many times longer Desi and Ashley have been spinning their balls than Ryan, who only lasted two seconds. Chrissy pipes up “900 times”. Probst is impressed, but come on, she does math for a living. And she learned math on an abacus.
Damn, grandma! I need my phone to do math.
At approximately 40 minutes (or 1,200 times as long as Ryan), the two muscular girls left bring both feet down to the narrowest part of the beam and Ashley drops. Desi is thrilled to have immunity.
Does the necklace come with a crown and sash, too?
Back at camp, Cole is scrambling. Step 1: Apologize to Ben for eating all the food.
Awkward. Somebody needs a Cusack-with-a-boombox backup.
Ben accepts his apology in person and then interviews that he’ll never forgive Cole, even if Cole gives him a kidney.
Sidenote: How drunk was Ben when he got his tramp stamp?
Cole goes to Joe for ideas, and tells Joe that his name is on the chopping block, too. Joe sees it as a sign of mad respect for his game play.
What’s with the weird sitting stance, Joe?
Cole, in typical Cole fashion, tells Joe all about the Red alliance of Ben, Lauren, Mike, Jess and himself. For the love of all that’s basic Survivor gamesmanship (and a lesson you should have learned over and over, Cole), why would you tell JOE? Joe tells Cole that Ben will flip on that alliance faster than Louis C.K’.s career sank. Joe warns Cole that he hasn’t seen Tribal Joe yet, and that it will be a show. Joe interviews that he’s not sure if he’ll play the idol for himself or someone else at tribal.
Mike, Lauren and Desi check in with Cole and talk about voting out Chrissy, because “she’s one of the smart ones”. She’s “a talker” and therefore dangerous.
She may be too good at math for her own … good … but her bikini game is strong too.
Mike tells the group that obviously, Lauren will vote with them because she’s there and part of the conversation. What about Ben, though, Desi wants to know.
Not all of us are talkers. Some of us are damn good listeners.
Ben and Lauren talk privately. Ben wants Cole gone. Lauren agrees but is thinking that’s not good for the long game. She leaves it up to him where her and his votes will go.
ANOTHER vote meeting on the beach, this time with Ashley, Lauren, Chrissy, Ben, Ryan and Devon. They’re thinking Cole but Joe as a backup vote since they think Joe has an idol but don’t know if Cole does. Their Plan B is to vote out Jess because they don’t think she has an idol. Of course not, she has tits. Come on, people. Chrissy checks in with Ben and he tells her to trust him.
We both agree I’m totally awesome, right? Right? Ryan? Where’s Ryan?
Ryan will tell you how smart I am.
TRIBAL! After Mike, Cole and Jess light their torches, Probst throws Mike a softball and asks if the easiest move is just to vote out a Healer because they have five original tribe members left. Mike says that move is only thinking about the short-term, and most castaways are thinking a few votes down the line, so everyone is probably nervous. Joe calls bullshit, literally, and tells Probst that there are only three names on the chopping block. I like Tribal Joe.
Cole answers Probst’s recovery that everyone SAYS they’re worried so they look good, but most people FEEL they’re safe, right? Cole agrees that he’s depending on the bonds he’s made to keep him safe. Chrissy tells Probst that physical threats aren’t the only threats to consider voting out. Joe’s like, I’m the total package, I’ve been honest from Day 1. He’s tired of all the pussyfooting around, and wants the deuces he threw up at Alan to be the #seasoncatchphrase. Mike tries out “Deuces”, referring to himself and how he’s a throwaway healer to Joe. Everyone, including Mike and Joe, laughs and laughs. Except Ryan.
Bullying is not funny, people … unless you’re going to vote me off next ’cause I’m not laughing.
Mike brings up the fact that Joe made up the story that Mike was idol-hunting when in actuality, Joe was hunting and found it at original Healers camp. Joe, who apparently has a hot date after tribal, tries to end this shit. He’s like yeah, I’ve got an idol, you all know it and I’m going to wear it now. I really, really like Tribal Joe.
Ryan does not like Tribal Joe. Ryan thinks Tribal Joe is frightening. Cole says he’s scared of being voted off now, and then he says he’s not. Everyone laughs and laughs. Jess tries to make light of the danger they’re all in, misusing “Deuces” and not in a cute way. TIME TO VOTE.
Joe uses his idol for himself. Well, he wasted it, because IT’S JESSICA! Seven votes for her (all the original Heroes and Hustlers) and five votes for Chrissy (all the Healers). I hope Chrissy is scared now. Jessica’s outro interview is pathetic, in which she hopes for a post-Survivor date with Cole. Urgh.