MisRed has a premonition…this episode is going to be boring. Why do I say this? Two reasons. 1) I had to sign into my Amazon account on my TV to watch this- which I never have to do. So, there is something amiss in the Universe. 2) Every episode is boring. 3) Vick will be on it.
Oh look, I had three reasons. Lucky you.
Jamaica… we apologize… and are sending you a mini-muffin basket
Previously, the ladies of the OC ruined Jamaica. Shannon flipped out with the group and put herself into solitary confinement. Tamra told everyone who would listen that Shannon was a bad friend. Emily smelled poo and tried to strong arm the Turtle into having another kid. And Vicki twerked. See, I saved the best for last? And by best, I mean worst.
Vicki is home sunning herself.
At Vicki’s house, Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino is outside cleaning the patio furniture. He really is Vicki’s betch. Oh, how nice, Vicki brings him his “favorite cream soda.” Ok, how can Vicki make virtually ANYTHING sound repulsive and unappetizing?
She and Steve review Vicki’s trip to Jamaica. Vicki says, “Didn’t you miss me?”
Oh. You managed to make it home. Too bad.
“Of course!” Steve says, but what he means is… “I missed you… like I would miss a scorching case of herpes!!
Vicki tells Steve she shouldn’t have been drinking due to her upcoming plastic surgery overhaul- but Tamra said it was okay to just have a few.
We all know Tamra got her medical degree recently so, for sure, listen to Tamra.
We flashback to Vicki, not only having multiple drinks, but encouraging everyone else to drink to the point of nearly inciting a riot. Then we flash to Vicki’s doctor’s appointment, Tamra, the free-lance physician, attended. Why do these betches accompany each other to the doctor? I understand if they need a ride or something but wait in the waiting room. You must go in the exam room?!? I have close friends, but I can’t think of one of them I’d have in the exam room with me.
What does his name spell backwards?
Vicki’s Doctor, Dr. Milind Ambe- which looks like it’s code for something- is the ghost of Russell Armstrong,.
Except slightly less wife-beatery. HE explains to Vicki she will need a simple “lower face and neck lift.”
So…. something like this?
I think this guy is underestimating his work load with this job.
Steve tells Vicki that he doesn’t want her to have any more surgery after this. Vicki says, “I just want to be your pretty arm ornament.” Um… honey… think again. Albatross maybe. Ornament, no.
Vicki reviews her past plastic surgeries. She has had, virtually, EVERYTHING done, at least once.
Nose and Chin
Boobs and Tummy Tuck
Vicki says it will be “Easy smeasy.” SMH. Can Vicki get ANYTHING right? Steve says any time you go under general anesthesia, it’s a risk. Vicki says, “Well I do have that brain thing (apparently, she has cholesteatoma), but I haven’t told him yet.” Steve is like- you haven’t TOLD him yet? That’s going to impact how he works on you. Vicki says “I don’t think he’s gonna go into my brain.” Vicki is so stupid.
But CAN he, if we ask him nicely? He might be able to do some renovation in there too.
Do we think with 11 surgeries Vicki gets the 12th for free?
Speaking of stupid, let’s check in with Tamra. Tamra is also doing some outside cleaning. Eddie brings her some lunch. Then THEY review Jamaica and how Shannon was snubbing Gina and Emily. Eddie says “Yeah, that’s because Shannon thinks her shit don’t stink.” Tamra says it’s not out of arrogance but rather insecurity. Eddie gives her, probably, pretty much the same lecture he gave her about Ryan at one point or another, she must want it for herself, you are enabling her yada yada yada.
What did Shannon ever do to Eddie? Why is he so anti-Shannon? Ohhh, wait he’s friends with David, the Anti-Christ. Well, I mean, I get it. Eddie probably gets it from both sides. David portrays Shannon as an insane animal- which she is and then he has Tamra in his other ear saying that Shannon is an insane animal AND a bad friend. Ok, so Eddie Hatred Mystery solved. Sorry MisRed just had to talk through that.
Tamra says she has been frustrated with Shannon. She has not only unloaded her frustration on Shannon but has told EVERYBODY else about her frustrations as well. She even took out a billboard on Sunset. “Am I a bad friend because I did that?” Yes. Yes, you are. “Should I just shut my mouth?”
Yes. Yes, you should.
Eddie says Tamra should keep it between herself and Shannon because every time one shares stuff like that, people will twist it and turn it and make it into something it’s not.
Good advice Eddie. Too bad Tamara has already shot off her mouth on 7,000 previous occasions. Will Tamra ever learn?
Eddie’s doctor has recommended he see a rock-star surgeon named Dr. Natale. If he can’t fix Eddie, nobody can. Eddie just wants to get back to riding his bike and running. Tamra says “And boning your wife.” Eddie is like… not so much that… it’s more the exercise. Eddie says due to his medication, he can’t get a boner that often.
And especially not with Tamra.
Tamra says she’s been giving him a pass, but he has some making up to do. Ew.
Emily and Turtle go to see a therapist- her face is a little Kate-from-This-Is-Us-ish.
Get her parents on the phone, STAT.
(I happen to think Chrissy Metz is B.E.A-utiful- so don’t think I’m hatin’.) Turtle looks THRILLED to be there. They are there to discuss their “fertility journey.” Oh goody. So happy to discuss THIS topic for the 1,000,000 time! We review, again, Emily has had 5 miscarriages and one pregnancy with twins who she delivered at 4 months and they did not survive. Emily thinks Turtle has a hard time understanding because he didn’t go through the physical and emotional pieces of her miscarriages.
Maybe. Or maybe he’s just a dick.
Turtle says he was with her all along the way and it’s not a fair statement. He is ready to close the chapter and has no interest in having more children. He thinks whatever he says he looks out to be “Heartless.”
Yeah, well, he is heartless. I’m just kidding. Listen, this is a HUGE issue in their marriage. Turtle wants what he wants. And Emily wants what she wants. People get divorced over stuff like this. One of them will have to compromise and hopefully NOT resent the other with the decision that is being made. That being said… why are we seeing this? This should be done in private. In my opinion, if it was someone else- someone who had been with of the franchises for a longer tenure- okay, it might be more appropriate.
For example, if Countess Luann and The Pirate were considering exploring a fertility journey… THAT is something we would want to see.
He’d scramble her eggs a la francaise.
Emily is very upset- like, actually crying real tears. And Turtle makes no move to comfort her in any way.
As comforting as a blanket of razor blades.
Apparently, when she lost her twins, the hospital made a box and she’s never looked at it. Turtle has. He was seeing if he could nest in there. The box contains the birth and death certificates of the twins. The Doctor suggests it to be Emily’s next step to open that box.
MisRed read a lot of comments on the old Social Media about people knocking Shane for not comforting Emily. MrRed is an emotionless animal at times. His parents raised him to not who or acknowledge or show emotions. And MisRed likes to show and feel every emotion- sometimes all at once. So MrRed doesn’t always know what to do at times – like- if I’m upset or having a meltdown. So, I tell him “This is where you come over here and hug me and just tell me it will all be okay.” So maybe Turtle just needs to be guided? OR run over by a car. Whichever.
UGH. It’s Election Day… it’s too early for MisRed to be this depressed.
We get some snippet of sh*t that was too boring to make into a scene, which could, pretty much apply to any scene in any episode this season. Kelly showing Jolie and her friends at the Musical Theatre Academy all of her signature dance moves. Gina in her new Casita giving her Mom a tour via FaceTime. I’m sure Gina’s mom is proud of how Gina is moving up in the world.
Cue the banjo music.
Back with Tamra, Ryan is over with his rugrat, who is wearing only a diaper. She looks like she should be playing in a burned out car in front of a single-wide in the middle of a swamp somewhere, while her daddy makes taxidermy in the car port.
You can take the family out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the family. Don’t give MisRed backlash for making fun of Ryan’s kid- I’m not making fun of the kid, I’m making fun of Ryan and Tammy Sue. You Hillbillies are on TV, put a t-shirt on the kid and call it a day.
Tamra is planning a birthday party for her son, Spencer, she says it will be just family. Really, shouldn’t Tamra invite people who are speaking to her? Just family will be a pretty small party.
Tamra says she is so proud of her son, Spencer. And then she tells Eddie he has “a bat in the cave,” and then shoves her finger up his nose to retrieve it and then wipes it on his shirt. Classy, AF.
It’s surgery day for Vicki. Which could be ANY day, really. The girl at the desk asks Vicki if she has a living will or a trust and she says she does. Then she turns to Steve and tells him there is a black box on the floor of her office and her entire life is in there.
Is that what the FAA uses to reconstruct what happens every time Vicki crashes?
Can I get that in writing please?
Steve is like… FINALLY!!!! Cut to Steve with a blow-torch and said black box.
The receptionist asks Vicki if she wants to be resuscitated should she die on the table. Vicki says she does because she has a lot to do this week. Ok, that was mildly amusing.
Don’t we get a vote?
But can we sign a petition to get her DNR changed? Just wondering.
Elsewhere, Shannon checks in to her surgery appointment. Kelly, who has just stumbled in from a night at the HunkaBunka, is there to be her emotional-support cougar.
Pssst, Kelly, it’s daytime.
Shannon is having eyelid surgery because “I’m a single lady” and she claims she will be dating someday. So, she’s having skin taken off her eyelids.
Makes about as much sense as anything else these women do.
Kelly thinks this eye surgery will improve Shannon’s self-confidence. You know what else might? A personality transplant.
Dear Diary, you’ll never guess what David did today…
Shannon signs all the surgery paperwork without reading it. She says if she reads about all the negative stuff that can happen, she will panic. She says, “The Doctor knows what he’s doing!”
In theory, Yes. But have you listened to Dr. Death?
Shannon and Kelly discuss Vicki’s surgery and whether or not it’s a full face lift or just a partial. Kelly is like- she should just do the whole thing at her age. LOL. MisRed thinks Vicki should set herself on fire and just start fresh.
Back with Vicki, she is getting a steroid injection. To shrink her penis, I presume? There is a funny side effect, Dr. Frankenstein explains… Vicki knows all about it. It makes her “hoo-ha” buzz.
Can we go one episode without hearing about Vicki’s snatch?
Does she have four surgeries a day? Is that responsible for her goat-like sex drive?
Vicki gets marked up:
Best 7 out of 10.
Over at Shannon’s surgery, they are shoving paper in her eyes and acting like it’s totally normal.
You are shoving the fortunes in my eye and I haven’t even had my Moo Goo Gai Pan yet!!
As Shannon is about to go under the Doctor says “Okay, pick a dream, you will be there in just a moment.” Do we think she’s picturing a nacho fountain or cream cheese oozing our of salmon or a screwdriver lodged in David’s new girlfriend’s temple?
Shannon and Vicki both go under the knife. Vicki’s last words “I have a lot of people depending upon me.”
Shannon seems to be done first. Yeah well, she didn’t need to have scaffolding erected and permits filed with the city, so it stands to reason she’d be done first.
Is Archie there to give her a ride home?
She’s super groggy, but don’t worry… the doctor didn’t suck out ANY of her passive aggressiveness or negativity. Shannon interviews that she would really like to have her partner right by her side and to have them take care of her after surgery, but she doesn’t have that.
Why is she selling Archie short??? Sure, he can’t drive, but otherwise he is a better partner than David was. She says the kids are at home waiting for her and she’s happy about that.
Over at the rebuilding of the lost city of Atlantis… Vicki is wheeled out of surgery. Steve the CCFL goes into the recovery room with her. Hmmm, the doctors missed putting the bandages right over Vicki’s face.
The first thing Vicki asks, “Am I pretty?” Is that rhetorical? If not, Vicki, the answer is always no.
“Do I look like Vicki?” Steve is like, yeah, you look like Vicki wrapped up in a towel. Vicki says, “Got to keep my sexy man.”
Just make sure the checks clear and Steve will stay around.
“I have no panties on right now.” Vicki says. And the audience, collectively, vomits.
Awww, Sophie is a good kid.
Shannon is recovering at home. Sophie is trying to help Shannon with her quest to become a mummy. Sophie is sweet with Shannon. You know David would be sitting on the edge of the bed eating chips and salsa and telling her how fat and lazy she is.
Over at Tamra’s house it’s party day. Her mom, Sandy, is there, so is her dad, Frank. And Sandy’s boyfriend, also named Frank, is there as well. Apparently, Sandy has a thing for “Franks.” She’s been with four Franks.
Sandy has ridden them both.
Frank-furters. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all? Tamra likes this current Frank. He’s a weed-smoking plumber.
Apparently, Spencer is upstairs in his room with his girlfriend, but Tamra says they have an “open door policy.” Sandy bets her $500 that if she goes upstairs the door will be closed. Tamra goes up and sure enough, the door is closed.
I’ll bet YOU $500 Tamra never paid up.
The kid comes downstairs and interacts with his grandparents. Tamra says the kids is like a 90-year-old man. He’s into politics and planning his life and loves history and likes to communicate. So, he’s, like, an adult?
See, Tamra? He turned out OK despite your involvement.
Hmmm. Spencer looks like Tamra in a bushy mushroom wig.
Wait a minute….wait a gosh-darn minute…
Yes, yes, I see it now.
Ryan shows up with the grandkid- who has clothes on in this scene. Speaking of oddities, Tamra has a wooden sign in her living room that says “FARMHOUSE.” I mean, she is a jackass, so maybe it fits?
The party goes into full-swing. Tamra says Spencer has never had a drop of alcohol and she’s proud of that. She says the reason Ryan turned out so differently than Spencer is because Tamra was a kid when she was raising Ryan.
Tammy Sue Waddle, Teenage Ho-bag.
Ok, maybe partially true. But Spencer had a dad who was active in his life. Yes, it was Simon, but having two ACTIVE parents usually benefit the off-spring. It’s not a big mystery, Tammy Sue.
Tamra talks to her brother saying -He’s such a good kid. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. The brother is like- “That we know of. He IS still US.” Yes, so he’s part hillbilly.
Over at the terrarium, Emily is dressed for a trip to the 1700’s and her kids have playdoh stuck to the floor. Turtle comes in to mock his kids saying they aren’t playing monster trucks right.
You asshole babies are DOING IT WRONG!!!
The kids are, like, 2 years old and they will be taller than Turtle in approximately 4 months. He really should be nicer to them. Why do none of these kids wear pants?
Emily says she’s ready to “open the box” from the hospital. Turtle says he will pull it out of his plastic castle and she can look at it. She is only opening it because the therapist told her to open it. She tells the nanny to keep the kids downstairs.
Staple them to the floor if you have to.
She and Turtle sit in his tank on a pile of rocks and look through that baby box. It is heartbreaking. You know, if MisRed had a heart.
There’s something in my eye…
There are cards with the baby’s handprints and footprints and there is a lovely card from Emily’s grandmother in the box as well. It’s a card Emily says she’s never seen before. Hmmmm. One would THINK the Turtle, especially when the grandmother died, would have passed that note along to Emily? Weird. This whole thing is WEIRD.
Emily thought it might help her get closure, but she thinks closure is a “bullshit” term. It kind of is. You can be content with something and be over something, but it’s always a part of you.
You should see the other guy.
Kelly and Gina go over to Shannon’s house, and she’s in bed. Shannon has two black eyes. Kelly brought Shannon some nachos. Shannon reports Tamra had been there already.
You know Tamra was the first one there to get a crack at the fresh meat.
But mostly Shannon has been hanging out with Archie. As she should be.
I’m stirring the pot out of CONCERN
They review the Jamaica trip and Gina says that now she’s in good place with Shannon, she’s ready to stir the pot be honest with Shannon. Gina continues- the day Shannon had left the earth’s atmosphere there was a lot of talk about Shannon’s mental health and wondering if Shannon was of sound mind. MisRed is paraphrasing, but this is the general idea. Shannon says, “It’s so interesting how many people are going to pipe in when no one lives in my shoes every single day.”
Yes, it is. But Shannon does it too, so… what’s her point?
Gina interviews that now she and Shannon are friends, she feels a personal responsibility to check in with Shannon and see if what the others are saying is true- is dis betch cray? She says it’s coming from a place of CONCERN.
Oh Gina. I have Saran Wrap that is less transparent than you. Low-key bitch.
She goes on to say that Tamra has been talking about her, and Kelly concurs. And adds that Vicki was chiming in. Gina says that they were just concerned for Shannon. LOL.
Kelly, in her talking head, says Shannon and Tamra are co-dependent and have a weird vibe. But Gina shouldn’t be getting involved because she’s not going to win. Tamra and Shannon are thick as thieves. Yes, so why did Kelly chime in?
Shannon says considering everything thing has been through, she thinks she’s been strong and resilient.
Like a mobile home in a tornado.
Bethenny will be showing up with a bag of cash cards any day now.
Shannon thinks it’s not the best time to be telling her this- when she’s recovering from eye surgery and probably shouldn’t CRY. It’s not like Gina gives a crap about Shannon’s plastic surgery.
Vicki has decided to recover at the Monarch Beach Resort and rides into the hotel with a scarf over her head.
Vicki should save money on surgery and just adopt this look full time.
Was her robe from Iceland in the wash?
Vicki claims that her Doctor is “very strict about patients NOT going home after surgery.” Um. Why? Vicki says Steve is a trooper for staying with her.
Yes, a real trooper. You KNOW he’s frantically making hushed calls in the bathroom “You told me this would be taken care of during surgery!! I want my $10k back! Hitman, my ass!!”
Vicki interviews “It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to have a man you are in love with and can be completely honest with… and so what if I drool a little bit…that’s LOVE!” Oh yes, Vicki has been completely honest. She doesn’t think about Brooks at all. She wasn’t flirting with that creep Italian chef. Totally honest.
She asks how her skin looks? “it’s been a little waffley lately.” Lately? The Eggo Company has a shorter history in the waffle biz.
Vicki says “I want to be so pretty for you.” Steve takes some photos of her to you know, mock on social media later.
I’m gonna send this one to “Cake Wrecks” and see if they can use it.
And we learn Vicki never told the doctor about her prior surgeries from her cholesteatoma. After surgery, the doctor came out to talk to Steve and said there was some complications due to her previous surgeries- of which he was NOT AWARE.
Great job, Vicki. Way to be concerned for your own health and well-being.
Steve tells Vicki the surgery took an extra hour because she didn’t tell the doctor about her issue.
My guess is Vicki has never told ANY doctor about this issue. I can’t imagine it’s something they do not need to know about. Especially facial surgery. Maybe the doctor wouldn’t have performed the surgery if he knew?
Vicki mumbles God had a separate plan for her… to meet Steve Lodge at a charity event. Ugh. “Are you so happy you met me???” Steve just chugs his Amstel.
You are going to need something a LOT stronger for the long haul.
In Vicki’s talking head she says there is no rhyme or reason why she met Steve at that charity event- it was just her parents sprinkling a little love on her.
Or you know, people meet people when they are at events together. But Vicki’s probably right- it was a couple of birds at the window.
Steve leaves Vicki to rest. Vicki says she needs a little bell. She lies there calling him and calling him and he doesn’t come. He ran home to put everything back in the black box.
Tamra meets some of the girls for lunch. She says Shannon called her and said “Gina was just at my house and she said you said a bunch of horrible things about me.”
Emily, wearing horizontal stripes, meets Tamra, and then Gina and Kelly arrive. WTF is Kelly wearing? She has a bandana in her hair. Um, this isn’t 1986.
Gina goes to hug Tamra and she doesn’t move from the couch.
No hug for you, betch.
Gina is like… Oh no. She now knows Shannon called Tamra and got Tamra mad at her.
Frosted Blue is not your friend…
Whatever game Gina is playing with eyeshadow… the eyeshadow is winning.
Kelly says Shannon called her on the way to lunch, and she knows Shannon called Tamra. Gina says, “about what?”
Tamra pulls the classic “We will talk about that in a little bit.”
Good job Tamra. Way to build the tension. Tamra is going to let Gina stew. Tamra is going to pounce when she is good and ready. She has Gina caught in her web and is going to make her sweat it out.
Gina says, “Let’s talk about Shannon- let’s talk about it.” Tamra says she would LOVE to hear Gina’s side before she loses her sh*t.
I will go psycho-opossum on your ass!!!
Ooooo. Tamra is so scary.
Seriously, shouldn’t Tamra be hanging upside down in a closet somewhere?
Plus, pretty sure Gina could break Tamra over her knee.
Let me speak realllll slow so Tamra can understand…
Gina tries to semi-explain, saying Kelly was there, she originally thought Shannon was just rude, but now that she understands her a little more, she’s concerned for her.
Tamra asks if she ever told Shannon she needed to tell her what her good friend has been saying about her. Gina says she didn’t say that- Kelly agrees. When we flash back, it was Kelly who said “Tamra keeps talking… Vicki was talking and going on and on.” Gina tries to play if off as Shannon’s best friends are concerned for her.
Gina interviews that Shannon is twisting the situation to start a fight between she and Tamra. Yes, Shannon IS twisting it, because Shannon always jumps to the worst possible conclusion in every single scenario. HOWEVER, Gina is not completely innocent either. MisRed does not, not for one minute, think her motivations or intentions were pure.
Gina says that she didn’t say that Tamra hadn’t been a good friend but Tamra did say a lot of stuff that day. Tamra maintains she never said anything that she didn’t say to Shannon’s face that day.
And remember how that turned out? Shannon launched herself into the outer bands of the universe when Tamra was informing Shannon of all her shortcomings.
Tamra says “Oh so you just wanted to MAKE SURE that she knew?” Gina is like- Yeah, I did.
Tamra says she didn’t expect this from Gina, she expected loyalty from Gina. Tamra tells Gina that she was barely on speaking terms with Shannon and suddenly now she’s stirring up sh*t. Gina says she wasn’t stirring up sh*t, she was just trying to show concern for Shannon.
See Tamra? You haven’t cornered the marketing on being a hateful twat.
Gina said Shannon gave her a story about how she was going to lose custody of her children. HUH?
So Gina says she told Shannon the stuff that was being said about her- that she frantically calls people in the middle of the night crying, throwing tantrums, she sleeps all day, she’s drinking herself to sleep every night, she launches herself into outer space without NASA approval, she had Doctor Moon poke her in the butt, she shot three men in Texas, threw a saddle on Vicki and rode her to Andale’s to avoid the cops….
Gina says she thinks she got played.
Tamra asks if she told Shannon that her best friend (Tamra) is a sh*tty best friend?
If the sh*t fits…
Gina says she didn’t say that. Then Emily gets involved – saying that she has these issues with her Mom and her Mom has mental illness and she sees a lot of the same patterns in Shannon’s behavior and she thinks this is a way of, starting the conversation, to get Shannon the help she needs.
LOL. These betches. They are TOO much.
Tamra says she and Kelly have had many conversations about Shannon out of concern, but now Tamra is being a labeled as “a shit-ass friend because I’m concerned for her. Have I said too much? I’m a talker. If I said too much, I’m SORRY!!”
But she’s not sorry. And then cue the “water works.”
Tammy Sue, Professional Victim.
Kelly says Tamra takes on too much with Shannon and it imploded.
Tamra through “tears,” says she is trying to be there for Shannon.” Gina says it’s hard when all you are is truthful and honest and it just gets you into trouble. Gina thinks Shannon is backing Tamra into a weird place.
Gina isn’t wrong. Tamra is not talking to the other women because she’s CONCERNED for Shannon. I’m not saying she isn’t concerned for Shannon, she could be, but she’s talking about Shannon to the other women because she is a gossiping troll. She wants all of the other women to have sympathy for TAMRA for being such a saint for putting up with Shannon’s histrionics. And Shannon IS backing Tamra into a weird place- she’s doing it to all of them, really. Shannon just wants it her way- if you dare suggest she’s not handling something normally or reacting to something in the normal way, or judging her in any way, she flips her wig. So, it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t type situation.
Next week, Tamra runs to Vicki with her Shannon woes.
Yes, because two wrongs always make a right.
Shannon throws herself a birthday party. Psycho Mike compliments Kelly.
Yawnsville- Population: US. The only good thing about this episode is that there was the potential for Vicki to die. Oh THAT and we got to see ARCHIE!!! What do you think Gina’s motive is? Is she stirring the pot, just trying to be Shannon’s friend or is she just trying to make out with Shannon again?
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