A little beauty before we begin the sh*tshow
MisRed regrets to report, Vicki is still with us. Her “heart-attack” didn’t kill her. Alas, she was back at the hotel and drinking booze within 3 hours of her episode. Vicki finally got her casserole. Tamra and Vicki semi-made up. Kelly fought with Piggy. Oh, and Shannon is pissed off. Not exactly news-worthy.
Yes, Vicki, don’t you have a house to haunt?
Anyone go as Vicki for Halloween? Cheap enough costume if you have a bathrobe to throw over your face. I suppose the Icelandic EMTs would have cost some bread, however.
MisRed’s apologies in advance, this recap is ridonkulously long. It took me almost 3 hours to watch and take notes on a 43 minute show.
MisRed couldn’t help it… these skanks just go on and on and on
Misred is afraid, now we must deal with what is behind the locked door. No, it’s not Al Capone’s secret papers, it’s: Piggy.
Piggy has arisen from her self-imposed exile and goes to Lydia’s room. The first thing she says is “Do you have any food? I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Yesterday morning, actually.”
Five words: room service, you dumb bitch. Seriously, she must have a black and white cookie stashed somewhere in that luggage of hers. And she’s cold. Lydia offers to close the windows in her room- Piggy says, “I just woke up, you have to understand.” MisRed has zero patience for this and we are, like 10 seconds in.
Lydia has arranged for the ladies to go to a Viking dinner, but she is concerned about Piggy. All of the ladies are concerned about Piggy. She says “Of course they are. They have nothing else to talk about. I hope they are saying something bad because it’s the only thing that comes out of their mouths.”
The next few scenes cut back and forth between Lydia and Piggy and the other women.
I like that it looks like Vicki has panty hose on her hands
The rest of the ladies get ready for dinner. Vicki feels bad about Piggy, but she things the other ladies are just “Mean Girl Hazing” Piggy but Vicki doesn’t want to be involved in fights that don’t “pertain” to her. I guess Vicki learned a new word.
Lydia wants to know why Lydia is so upset- everyone wants to “make up” with her. Piggy doesn’t want to make up. But she does want to know what the ladies were saying about her. Then she says, “After the shindig of drama, I went to the hallway, and I heard a baby crying.”
Piggy goes on to say that the baby was crying for 10 minutes, then infers that Meghan is a 35-year-old giraffe. If I was Meghan, I’d be pissed. She was only a 32-year-old giraffe when this scene was filmed. Not sure what Meghan’s resemblance to a giraffe has to do with anything. But Piggy is now upset that Meghan’s baby was crying for 10 minutes. How could anyone let their baby cry for 10 minutes. OH, THE HORROR.
Disclaimer- MisRed doesn’t have kids, however, I have a niece and a nephew. When they were babies- those little f*ckers could cry for an hour even with 25 people paying attention to them, holding them, entertaining them, etc. So, 10 minutes of crying- puhleeze.
When you didn’t show up, we got off your rainbow!!!!
From the Van, the ladies call Lydia and leave her a voicemail. They are wondering where she is. Come-on, did you guys leave her off the group text again? What a bunch of jokers. In the voicemail, they say they are worried about Lydia and Piggy and want to be sure everything is ok. Lydia, apparently, didn’t advise them that she would not be at dinner.
Back in Lydia’s room, Piggy says that the previous evening- not sure if it was pre-baby crying or post, she heard Tamra and Kelly laughing and screaming- they were drunk (as if MisRed needed to point that out) – then Piggy adds, “And Meghan.” Piggy claims they were laughing about Piggy because Kelly made an insensitive remark about Piggy’s father.
Oh yeah, Piggy is a regular Magnum PI
“And it’s ALL IN HERE!!!” Piggy says holding up her cell phone in triumph:
This contains the evidence of no wrong-doing whatsoever
Christ on a bike, MisRed can’t.
The “insensitive remark” was in response to Piggy telling Kelly that she was going to have Dicko call Psycho Mike to settle the disagreement between Piggy and Kelly and Kelly said, pointing out that this was as stupid scenario, said “I’m going to have my daddy call your daddy.” Of course, it’s sad that Piggy’s father passed away- no one would dispute that or mock that- even Kelly- but Kelly’s statement was not MEANT to be a personal dig. I doubt that Piggy’s father’s death is top of mind for Kelly. That would be like MisRed getting pissed off every time a “Yo Mama” joke is told. Give me a break, Piggy.
You know it’s bad when you are on Lydia’s last nerve
Lydia tries to talk some SENSE into Piggy, but honestly, it’s like putting lipstick on a pig. Piggy refuses to believe that Kelly wasn’t taking a direct, premeditated jab at her. Of course, Piggy also looks like she’s stoned or something- her eyelids are heavy and not just from the 75lbs of eyeshadow and she her words are a little “slurry.”
Lydia wants Piggy to come to dinner, but Piggy just shakes her head.
What is this dinner you speak of?
And you can hear, like, ball bearings shaking around…
The ladies arrive at the restaurant, and there are some Viking characters out front and they are a little scary. Then THIS GUY comes out.
Whoever wins the Viking battle gets the DeLorean
He is Iceland’s answer to Doc Brown from Back to the Future. He welcomes the women to the Viking dinner.
Rob Reiner turns up in the darnedest places
This one has zero patience for these bitches
Inside the restaurant, there are all men in Icelandic sweaters- Tamra yells “It’s a sausage fest!” It turns out the sweater men are some kind of choir.
They start with a drink. The mean Vikings from outside come in to scare the ladies.
You get it girl. Jim Edmonds take note…
They couldn’t find one that covered more of Vicki’s face?
Tamra and Vicki are joking around and Shannon looks like her head will explode.
But she interviews that is Tamra wants to be friends with Vicki, she is “fine” with it that.
Watch your backs, Shannon is “HAPPY”
Which, you know is code for: there will be a murder.
Tamra is hopeful that Vicki and Shannon can “mend fences.” But Tamra says in order for that to happen, Vicki has to apologize to Shannon for spreading “rumors.”
Vicki readies herself for an apology- but the Viking guys keep calling for a toast, so every time Vicki gets a word out- they have to woo hood and SKOAL and cheers, etc. Tamra whispers to Vicki “Tell her that David doesn’t beat her. Just say it.”
Ok Cyrano de Berger-crack
Vicki says to Shannon that she misinterpreted the middle-of-the-night phone call from Shannon and she apologizes for saying something about it to Kelly, PRIVATELY.
See what she did there? She apologized with a non-apology. Vicki is putting the blame on Shannon- and on Kelly, frankly. She is, indirectly, calling Shannon crazy for the call- because how else could Vicki possibly interpret that phone call and she is, basically putting the blame on Kelly for “spreading the rumor.” Which maybe Kelly did or didn’t do, who even remembers at this point. But it’s CLASSIC MARGE- I mean, CLASSIC VICKI- a non-apology apology.
Shannon is like “I appreciate it, but I don’t want to talk about it.” In Shannon’s talking head she says, “This apology, in front of all of the ladies, is bullshit.” MisRed agrees.
Next comes a series of vignettes:
Tamra tells Shannon “Don’t eat those potatoes.” Shannon should snap Tamra over her knee.
Tamra tells Vicki that Brooks ruined their friendship.
Shannon offers Vicki and Tamra her bathtub so they can take a bubble bath together. Meghan tells Shannon that it’s not funny, and Shannon gets pissed and starts hitting on a big hairy Viking. Viking. Viking? Viking!
Kelly tries to take a sip of her drink and misses, three times.
Straws are tricky
Back at the Hotel, Lydia is eating dinner alone, when Piggy enters wearing a bizarre red potato sack get-up.
How dare she?!! Piggy hasn’t eaten since yesterday morning.
OMG, it’s has a “Baby Jane” vibe and MisRed is starting to get the flop sweats.
Now we know what happened to Baby Jane.
Piggy has decided that she and Lydia should go meet the other ladies for dinner- Piggy wants to show them that she’s not afraid of them. Well, Piggy, you should be- they are awful.
At the Viking dinner, the Viking’s are stage-fighting. And then Lydia and Pigs walk in. After the women get settled at the table, Shannon goes up to join the Men’s Choir.
All of the women tell Piggy how beautiful she looks, you can tell they are all preparing for a knife fight. Kelly comes over to Piggs and says that she doesn’t want Piggs to feel uncomfortable around the women and she had wanted to see her during the day so they could talk.
Piggy says, “I’m comfortable wherever I go.” Yes, yes, and MisRed is a size 2.
Oh dear. This is going to be bad.
I’m sorry you can’t take a joke.
Kelly: “You know what? I’m sorry.”
Piggy: “You are trying and I’m not, right? Because yesterday was a different day.” Please be sure when you read that it’s DRIPPING in passive aggressiveness.
Kelly: “I’m not trying to fight with you. I just said I was sorry.”
In Piggy’s talking head “I would really be dumb to accept Kelly’s apology. Don’t do it and don’t apologize. How about that?”
Ok, Piggy, let MisRed break this down for you- we are, with existing technology, unable to reverse time. I know Christopher Reeve did it in that Superman movie when he flew really fast, backwards, around the earth to save Lois Lane from the earthquake… but that was just a movie. As we are unable to reverse time, Jesus invented the apology. It is a way for normal people to atone for things they may have done that they now regret, or in some cases things that you perceive they have done and they just want to you to STFU.
Tamra says to Piggy “Kelly is trying to apologize to you.” Kelly then goes into a mini-tirade about how she, actually, did nothing, and Piggy is the one who should apologize. I mean, yeah, Piggy should apologize for that f*cking hairdo- at minimum. There is a little back and forth and Kelly is finally like- I can’t, and walks out of the restaurant.
Kelly narrates “I few years ago I decided I should take anger management classes and they teach you to walk away and not engage, so I am implementing these tools so I don’t get into a fistfight with Peggy.”
Bahahahahaha- Yes, folks, THIS KELLY is the POST-ANGER-MANAGEMENT KELLY.
Back at the table, Piggy- still glassy-eyed, I might add, says that she would like to apologize to Tamra if she “attacked her” but she wants Tamra to tell her what she did or said. Tamra just says that there was a lot of alcohol involved… Piggy interrupts saying that she wasn’t drinking and keeps saying this statement. Piggy says that Kelly and Tamra were laughing about her. And Shannon asks Piggy why she assumes they were laughing AT her.
Then Piggy gets out her phone… ROLL THE TAPE.
I love the guy in the background…
In fact, there is so much going on in this screenshot:
However does Piggy’s hair should have their hands cut off. And poor Lydia looks like the Elephant Man.
Piggy says “Meghan, your baby was crying really bad in the room for ten minutes.”
SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE; A BABY WAS CRYING.
Meghan asks Piggy if she timed it- not to be a dick, but because Meghan says she does “a timing thing.” (probably in an effort to get the kid to self-soothe, not that MisRed has kids, but MisRed does do that with her husband.)
Meghan gets pissed- so does Tamra. Tamra wants to know what Piggy is insinuating by this video? Lydia interviews that Piggy has a hard time expressing herself, and what she should have said was “You ladies upset me and here is why…”
OMG, I agree with Lydia on something. Somebody call MisRed a therapist, STAT.
Shannon tries to comfort Meghan. Vicki, of course, immediately turns on Tamra, in her talking head saying she feels badly for Piggy because Tamra can be so vicious. Tamra can be vicious. And it reminds Vicki of when the ladies ganged up on Kelly in Ireland.
Oh, you mean the time when everyone ganged up on Kelly and you, Vicki, her BEST friend, sat back, let it happen and didn’t have her back? DISCLAIMER: MisRed is not defending Kelly, merely outing Vicki for not practicing what the f*ck she preaches.
BUT, it’s not Vicki’s fight and she doesn’t want to be a part of it so she decides the best thing to do is leave.
Vicki trudges out
Back at the table, Piggy is under fire to implying Meghan is a bad Mom for letting her baby cry for 10 minutes. And then Piggy starts to cry- can someone time HER, PLEASE?!?!?!
OMG, MisRed actually feels kind of bad for Meghan. See, MisRed told you Aspen didn’t belong on this trip- titty milk or not!!
We are JUST at the half way mark in this episode.
Piggy says “See, this is how they twist it.”
Oh! I see… Piggy is delusional and actually thinks that she makes sense when she talks. That’s sad, y’all.
Speaking of sad, Lydia should not wear her hair up.
Shannon tells her to “Zip it.” Personally, I find CLIP to be more impactful.
And then Lydia is like “surprise, surprise, Shannon is freaking out again!” Then we get some Shannon freak-out flash backs.
Shannon says to Piggy “I’ve been nothing but kind to you.”
Piggy responds that she has been nothing but kind to Shannon, and Shannon is like “You questioned whether I trusted my husband.”.
Then Piggy REALLY steps in it saying “That’s because your husband is not loyal to you. He doesn’t tell you the truth.” Sweet Jesus. Shannon is like- what?!? Piggy goes on to say that David didn’t tell Shannon about the convo he had with Dicko upstairs on the boat. Oh, sweet Jesus are we back to this? If MisRed has to take another screenshot of that scene, she will plunge a knife in her chest. Oh f*ck we are back to “the 3 millimeters.”.
Tamra then says- haha, sorry, preemptive laughter- “Diko was a little bitch!” Yes, and he also can’t decide if he likes black or white, but that’s beside the point. But also- WAS? He IS, not WAS.
Piggy goes over and attempts to apologize and hug Meghan. Meghan is like “I think a lot of what you say gets lost in translation and you are a little odd…” hahahaa Meghan says she can’t just forget what Piggy said.
Piggy must have squirrels living in her hair
Kelly hops in saying that she can’t believe Piggy was recording her. Piggy gathers her things to leave the restaurant and Kelly says, “If you throw a bomb, I’m gonna throw a nuke, okay?”.
Piggy interviews, “At this point, I’m done with the trip, I’m done with the lies, I’m done with the manipulation. I’m just done. I’m done.” Honey, we are too. She goes on to say, after boarding the van “I don’t want them in here. I’m going by myself in my own car and my own jet. I’m not gonna deal with them.”
Make sure that jet is half black and half white!
Vicki, the little van elf, pops up and says “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m out.”.
Then Piggy orders the van driver to return her to her hotel.
Ok, is MisRed on glue or is Piggys really off the rails here. To me she is paranoid and really too sensitive to be around these shrews. Also, if you are going to make up a reason to start a fight, at least stick to ONE story- don’t start off making it about the baby, but then down-shift to “drunken laughter.”
Aboard the Bananas Van, Vicki says to Piggy “I appreciate what you did for me yesterday, but I’m not fighting. I’m out.”
Piggy interviews “I’m shocked. I can’t believe Vicki didn’t have my back.” Really? Nobody else is shocked.
Yeah, yeah, we know.
Back on the van, Vicki says “I’m literally a business woman, I’m a mother, I’m a grandmother. I lie about cancer and heart conditions, I have sex with multiple partners, I have no memory of my original face, Tamra killed my Mom in a little family van…”.
Piggy is like “Okay. Okay. We get that.”
Vicki interviews, I’m not here to stick up for Kelly or Peggy, I’m not gonna have people get mad at me (Yeah, only Kelly and Peggy.) for not sticking up for them.
I have a case of the Vickis
The following morning Kelly thinks she is dying of alcohol poisoning. except, she’s kidding. She doesn’t toss a robe over her face and demand a ride to the hospital like SOMEBODY we know. She blames is all on the sunlight. You just don’t know when to stop drinking when the sun is out. Which really only makes sense if you are a habitual day drinker.
Kelly calls Vicki and tells her that Piggy left Iceland in the middle of the night. Kelly wants props because the previous year, she sucked it up and returned back to the US on the same flight as everyone else. Only because Kelly probably didn’t know early departure was an option.
Vicki thinks Piggy is paranoid about who has her back and who doesn’t. Um, yeah, that’s because YOU, Vicki, her, supposed, friend, didn’t have her back. Same scenario with Kelly the previous year. I think what it all boils down to is: Vicki is Satan. My apologies to insulting actual Satan.
Back in the OC… BREAKING NEWS
This just in- The Government of Iceland is demanding a casserole…
Back in the OC, Meghan and Dull-Jim Edmonds are packing boxes for the debut of The King Collection- Meghan’s bulls*t candle business, for those who forgot. There is a shirt- a size Large- and Meghan is like “Who is a large?” Jim, well-trained, says- nobody. Then Meghan goes “I think Vicki is a large.”
Vicki is over at Briana’s house. She and Briana are talking and Owen is there. Vicki points to a color in a book and asks what color it is- Owen says” It’s yellow.”
Vicki is impressed. She shouldn’t be- all the kid does is PEE ON EVERYTHING- of course he knows the color yellow. Briana asks about Iceland. Vicki says, “the girls were drinking and I wound up in the hospital one night.” Briana is like – what’s new? “Shannon and Tamra were nice to me and they made me a casserole when I got back from the hospital at 4 in the morning.”
Briana says “Wow, you go that casserole you’ve been asking for for years.”
“When I got back, Tamra was all emotional, and then I just noticed, she was crying in my lap. Maybe she thought I was dying. Then Tamra told me I should apologize to Shannon, and I was like “For…?’” Vicki goes on to say that she’s not going to repeat anything that anyone tells her.
Briana is like “Yes you are.”
Vicki says, “Then don’t tell me if you don’t want me to know.”
Ok, so let’s clear up that untruths in this exchange, shall we?
- Vicki was one of the “girls” drinking.
- Shannon was not nice to Vicki.
- Meghan ORDERED you a casserole, kind of as a joke.
- You returned from the hospital at 12:30am, not 4am.
- Tamra didn’t cry suddenly or in your lap
- Tamra wasn’t worried about you and didn’t think you were dying
- Not technically a lie, just and infuriating statement – People shouldn’t tell you things because you repeat them and don’t know how to keep your fat trap shut- not because they don’t want you to know things.
- Vicki will continue to say stuff she shouldn’t and continue to be an awful person.
Well, we kept it under 10 lies for a 2-minute segment. I’ve seen worse.
Over at Piggy and Dicko’s, Dicks asks Piggs how her trip was? As if she didn’t ramble to him the moment she got home.
MisRed is going to need an explanation of why someone would do this to a perfectly good denim jacket from 1987
Piggy says she just wants to forget about it.
That’s what these bitches always say when they are primed and ready to beat a topic to death.
Dicko says that she called him at crazy times and he will hate to see their cell phone bill. We flashback to Piggy calling Dicko saying “Sorry that they did this to me, that I needed help and I called you and put you through that.” Piggy tells Dicko that everything was fine until Piggy tried to help when Vicki was “sick.” She thinks the girls need a new punching bag.
Well, I mean… maybe, but Piggy would probably be no fun to punch. She’s just a bag of bones. Now Shannon- she would be fun to punch. And rumor has it, she can take a beating. At least that’s what Vicki told me.
Dicko says that Meghan must have been upset. Piggy says that “they twisted it” to that she was saying that Meghan was a bad mom. Well, even if that wasn’t the intention of Piggy’s videotaping expose, that’s the result. I mean, sometimes MisRed intends to make MrRed some scrambled eggs, but she accidentally make an omelet because MisRed gets distracted and forgets to stir the eggs. It wasn’t my intention, but it still turned out to be an omelet.
Piggy then says that she thinks Vicki was “in on it.” And she would have thought that Vicki would have – at least- defended her being as Vicki is like her “big sister.” Well, everyone told you Vicki was a shitty friend, and you didn’t believe it- hopefully lesson learned. Dicko thinks Piggy needs to talk to Vicki.
F*CK! THIS RECAP IS 8 PAGES ALREADY.
Shannon and Tamra go to some doctor and the Doctor attempts to weigh her. Shannon is like “Hell no.” Shannon was encouraged to go get her labs done and to see what is up with her health.
The doctor comes in and lists Shannon’s “symptoms.”
- Weight gain
- 30-40 Negative thoughts
- Lower libido
- Short-rib deficiency
- Foggy memory
- David. David? David!
- Mood Swings
- Silver Spoon In Mouth
Sounds to me like she has a case of “The Shannons.”
Shannon’s hormones are off- which is why she is crazy. Shannon stopped taking her hormones- and Shannon is amazed at how sane she has been without her hormones.
Tamra is like…. Uh yeah. Then we get a montage of Shannon flipping out this season.
Yep. Who needs hormones?
Then we get into Shannon’s low libido. Shannon explains that she doesn’t really have a low libido, but her husband does. Um yeah, he has a low libido FOR SHANNON.
The doctor suggests she puts some testosterone cream on her labia… really, does this need to be on TV? Shannon says that it seems she will be putting a lot of stuff in her vagina. Tamra pipes up and says “yeah, except your husband. I have a prescription for that, it’s called DIVORCE.”
Vicki meets Piggy for breakfast, and Piggy is dressed for the opera. Finally, Vicki presents Piggy with the monkey fur “friendship headband” that Vicki bought for her. The look on Piggy’s face is priceless.
She doesn’t want it now…
Vicki says “I am a little confused as to what I could have done differently. I’m sorry if you were upset with me, ‘cause I didn’t want that to happen because it wasn’t my fight.” Vicki says she doesn’t want Piggy to feel like she didn’t defend Piggy. I mean, she didn’t defend Piggy, but Vicki doesn’t want Piggy to FEEL that way. WTF Vicki?
Piggy says she felt betrayed. Vicki says that she shouldn’t and if she was having an issue with Tamra or Shannon or Kelly, she wouldn’t expect Piggy to defend her. Because it’s not her “giggity gig gig gig gig gig, get it?” To which Piggy responds- YES. Ok, that’s the one thing Piggy “gets” is Vicki’s nonsensical mumbo-jumbo.
Yes, I understand perfectly
At the Beador’s- the man of the house, Archie, is not feeling well. Shannon asks David if something happened while she was in Iceland- like did anybody walk him? David says, “Well you know me, I just let the kids run wild.” Another dig. “While I was working out.” Another dig.
David Beador, Colossal Dick, at your service…
It’s really hard to have respect for someone who takes such pleasure in cutting someone else down.
Shannon comforts Archie and tells him that he is her best friend. Frankly, she could do a lot worse.
Archie is a lot more loyal and loving that that other dog you live with
Shannon says that her marriage is not good, she just wants to know what’s going on with her marriage. Shannon says that Jim and Meghan are having a party to celebrate the launch of Meghan’s candle line- and they would really like for David to be there. Vicki is going to be there. David says that maybe he will just go to the party for a quick second and show his support and then leave quickly so he won’t have to deal with the crap.
It’s really a metaphor for his marriage, really. The camera zooms in on David fiddling with his wedding band.
Shannon says in her interview, that if David is done with her, she wishes he would tell her and just go. And we all know how that is working out.
One is a mean, filthy animal and the other is Archie
As nuts as Shannon is, she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this- no one does. She just wants to be in a partnership and to be loved- better or worse.
Next week, in the Season Finale, the Lop-Sided Bag of Hair gets a makeover.
I’m going to try for the 17th time to get divorced.
Kelly contemplates divorce and Shannon calls Peggy a f*cking lunatic. Plus the 16-part Reunion. Yeah, so lots to look forward to, kids.
So what’s your take on this whole Piggy meltdown, sitch? Do you think Shannon knew for sure she would be divorcing when this episode was filmed. Thanks for sticking with me for all 4,608 words of this recap. Love you guys and love your comments. xoxoxxo
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