The Atlanta women are back with new hairlines and no taglines – at least for this episode. It seems like just yesterday we were all singing Atlanta’s national anthem “The Lies, the lies, the lies”. It was actually 6 whole months ago and now we’re back like we never left. Incidentally, so is NeNe’s nose .
Kandi has decided to open the season in a grown out Momma Joyce wig. She’s recovered nicely from the drug peddling, rapist rumors and is transitioning to the role of unfit mother and famewhore. OLG is thriving. Aunt Nora is posing for selfies with customers while threatening to shank them if they took a free picture but don’t plan to eat there. Todd is standing on stools and posing for pictures with ten year olds. People from all over the country are lined up around the block just waiting for a chance to have Momma Joyce clog-stomp them over a plate of grits. Kandi is concerned about balancing her reunion with Xscape, her sex toy company, the restaurant and being a mom. At the last rehearsal, it took her 45 minutes to realize she was singing into a dildo.
Cynthia is now running the Bailey Agency School of Leaf Blowing. This season’s storyline is celebrating her 50th birthday until she can come up with another pageant scam. NeNe joins her at the lake house and is happy to be back home in Atlanta because it’s the one place people will still honor her checks. This season’s kickoff event is a 50 Shades of Cynthia party where everyone will dress in the birthday quinqagenarian’s different looks over the years. I want to see the one from the day she found out Peter bought a coffeehouse.
Cynthia says that although she’s one of Kenya’s best-ish friends but she found out about the wedding on blogs like everyone else. NeNe doesn’t believe that she’s really married and Kenya will only call him “Baby” which NeNe says is Gregg’s name too. Gregg’s other names include fraudulent investor, pre-nup prince and playa from the Himalayas. Kenya arrives and plays coy about her wedding before admitting that she’s married. Cynthia toasts the new Mrs. Baby but NeNe does not like the gushing since Cynthia wasn’t even invited.
NeNe: You could have at least asked her to be a bridemaid.
Kenya says that she met her husband at his restaurant opening a few months ago.
Kenya: I know the guy who put in his windows.
She eloped and didn’t even have her father there, let alone her friends. Kenya plans to sell her house though because the ghost of Matt is roaming around, making shirtless clay pottery and then hurling it through the garage windows. NeNe keeps asking questions and Kenya says that although NeNe cut off half her nose, she’s still nosy. She doesn’t say it to her face though – the old or the new one.
Atlanta’s favorite amateur WWE ne’er-do-well, Porsha, is still here and doing a podcast with her sister and a Tiffany. She says that people should never work with friends although she’s working with her sister who she just said is her best friend. Porsha got a birthday text from Phaedra.
Fortunately she sent it in emojis so Porsha could understand.
Porsha says Phaedra used her to get back at Kandi but doesn’t seem that mad. Porsha knows that Kandi needs time to heal – and not sue – so she hasn’t talked to her yet.
NeNe is at her store, Swagg Boutique, because that name will never sound dated. Sheree stops in and NeNe immediately says that she must be in love because she’s not spending her days sweeping the stoop of the chateau. Sheree hasn’t met Kenya’s man yet but thinks she should show him off to everyone who doubts Kenya’s ability to get a man without a barcode. Sheree feels bad for Porsha but NeNe doesn’t since Porsha talked about her on Dish Nation. When NeNe told Porsha to stop putting her hands on people, the latter felt NeNe jeopardized her budding career in competitive Black Friday shopping. Of all the reasons to get mad at NeNe, this is the lamest. She’s done way worse to way smarter people. Sheree says that NeNe likes people who agree with her. NeNe bites her tongue on the Porsha issue because she knows she needs this as a storyline for the rest of the season.
Kenya calls her dad who’s questioning her about the elopement. He’s still talking like an Ozzy Osbourne record being played backwards. He was not encouraging regarding the relationship so she didn’t invite him. He says he just wanted her to be careful because she tends to date psychos and tow truck drivers. On the one hand, it seems he was just a concerned parent. On the other, he’s mocked her old house, new house and her feet. I can’t figure out who’s right or wrong here. He says missing the wedding hurt him because it’s the day he’s been waiting for all of her life – shade – but he’s happy and wants to welcome him into the family.
Porsha and Sheree meet to wig shop for Cynthia’s party. Umm, Sheree needs to also wig shop for her confessional looks because she’s giving NeNe a run for worst wigs in Atlanta ever.
It’s like Jim Varney in an untrimmed Sia wig.
Porsha says that she didn’t like NeNe giving her advice in front of the cameras. They didn’t speak for a couple of years and then after last season’s debacle, NeNe went on WWHL saying that Porsha should have been fired. Sheree, true to her bone collecting roots, will have them talk at the party. That should go really well.
While getting for the party with Noelle, Cynthia calls Peter who’s been invited. He says he has too much to do in Charlotte so he can’t make it. She starts to get emotional about spending her first birthday without him but Papa Smurf probably could have delivered her on her first birthday. Noelle tells her to stop being sad, she doesn’t even look 40 and she’d rather have a stepdad with muscles and a credit report that’d be at the top of the hacking pile.
The party has started and everyone is showing up in classic Cynthia looks. I’m not sure what NeNe’s is supposed to be and Kenya has looked better. Kandi is the most creative. Kenya still won’t say the name of her husband although she’s posted it online. Cynthia channels Ramona Singer and wears yellow – like sunshine. Porsha shows up in an afro, which was the easiest look, and Sheree arrives in a baseball cap and shades to duck any potential creditors or contractors at the party.
Porsha greets everyone and even hugs Kandi. Kandi has immediate remorse.
Kandi: Ugh, I’m gonna smell like sugar daddies and Hennessy the rest of the night.
All of the Cynthias do a runway walk and Kandi wins for her look while Mal almost falls off the runway. It was no big deal; she thought she saw Peter and tried to elbow drop him. Sheree puts NeNe and Porsha together to resolve things. Porsha calls NeNe out about the WWHL appearance so NeNe challenges her to show the footage where she used the word “fired” and Porsha says she’ll do it later. It’s like bringing a spoon to a gun fight.
Porsha wants to talk about the firing comment on WWHL but NeNe wants to talk about the original problem with Dish Nation. Porsha calls NeNe fake and says that she built her up only to tear her down. Porsha refuses to kiss her ass and since they can’t talk about the old issue, NeNe gives up and leaves the party.
Next week, Cynthia goes on a date with a potential killer. Kenya is having pre-divorce jitters and Porsha and Shamea argue. What’d you think? Are you glad the show is back? Do you believe Kenya is married? Will NeNe and Porsha make up? Did Sheree wear that wig on a dare? Love you for reading and commenting!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!