Guys. GUYS. I don’t know who I have to blame for me not discovering this show until now, but it is honestly the most compelling thing on television. I have forsaken all other reality shows (except the 20 other reality shows I watch) in service of the cringefest that is 90 Day Fiance. Join me on this voyage to find true love, green cards, and the answer to whether or not Josh has upper teeth.
We may never know
Last week; Luis came to America and creeped out at least one of Molly’s children, Evelyn was the woooooooorst, David spent his plane ticket money on water buffalo, Elizabeth worried that Andrrrrei wouldn’t get his travel visa, and Azan did a good job pretending Nicole didn’t annoy the living hell out of him.
We begin in Morocco, where Azan is really embracing the #childleashlife
World’s #1 Stepdad
Azan morosely tells us that he has to show Nicole that he loves and cares about her, so he’s taking her and May (Mae? Sources vary) sightseeing in Casablanca, and then to a market in Marrakech. While shopping, Azan comes to some hard realizations; shopping is harder with a kid than without, and people look at you weird when you have a child on a leash. But the leash works, apparently, so all’s right in the world. Or at least in Morocco.
Next stop on the love train is Ireland, where Elizabeth is flying to meet Andrrrei and find out what’s holding up his visa. She lands and we finally get our first look at Andrrrei in the possible-anger-issues flesh.
Get this camera out of my face. Ha ha ha, Moldovan joke.
Apparently, living conditions in Moldova are not great, which is why Andrrrei has moved to Ireland to find work as a bouncer. I’m sure his engagement to American Elizabeth has nothing to do with that, though.
Luckily, Andrrrei has great news! He announces it to Elizabeth like any normal person would, by saying “I have news” in a stone faced monotone. Elizabeth is freaked out, until Andrrrei tells her that he has a visa interview in two days. Ha ha, what a great trick to play on your fiance that’s just disembarked from a long flight! When Elizabeth says that she was afraid the “news” was going to be a break up, Andrrrei gives her a look so dismissive my television turns itself off.
Try not to be stupid on the way out of the airport
But enough of the Moldova Lova, let’s head over to my very own neck of the woods; Woodstock, Georgia! Luis is bonding with the only one of Molly’s daughters who will stay in a room with him, and it’s actually kind of cute.
Just don’t talk about banging her mom again.
Not only has Molly gained a fiance, but she’s got a built in babysitter. Sweet! Luis teaches the kid a little Spanish and everything seems to be going great. Until Luis says I’m your new father.
Things go from weird to worse when Kensely says “I already have a dad”, which Luis counters with “But I’m your mom’s boyfriend”. Uh. No, Luis. Kensley says they’re not friends anymore and she doesn’t like him and I DON’T BLAME HER BECAUSE LUIS WON’T STOP.
Ugh, drop it.
Kensley shows more self restraint than I would as she says “Sorry, you’re not my dad. I don’t love you,” then puts down her chalk and goes inside. That whole thing was…strange. Let’s go check in on the number one contender for saddest man on TV, David.
Wait, how much is this blush costing me?
David’s getting ready for a pre-wedding ceremony where he has to hand out dowry money to everyone, and he’s hoping his friend/personal financier will be able to attend.
Oooh, get used to making that face, Annie.
David leads everyone in the town to Annie’s parents house, in a dance that rivals the Cupid Shuffle for dance I never want to see again.
5,000 baht this time; file bankruptcy real slow!
Luckily David’s friend Chris makes it to the party, David has enough baht for everyone, and Annie’s parents are happy.
Oh, I’m pretty sure they could
David kisses the ring like a real creep before he puts it on Annie’s finger, and just like that they’re engaged! Hurray? Okay, from saddest man to least self aware teen, it’s Evelyn and Spanish David time!
I hope he grows out a mullet to match hers
Evelyn’s family is throwing a party for everyone to meet the 27 year old man who proposed to their child on Instagram. David impresses Aunt Ginger right away by both being handsome and giving her a hug.
Friends, family, and the pastor trickle in; the conversation is pretty light until David reveals he would like to live somewhere that isn’t New Hampshire. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BAND
Psst – you don’t have to write instrumental break in a lyric video, Mullet
As shocking as the thought of the family band disbanding (haha) is, the worst is yet to come. Evelyn’s only rational friend, Mikayla, arrives. Since she has the gall to question this pure and beautiful relationship, David calls her out for being an ignorant singleton.
Evelyn immediately rushes to Mikayla’s rescue – oh, no sorry. She sits there stroking David’s shoulder like a really great friend while Mikayla starts to cry. I wish alopecia upon her.
Back in Ireland, Elizabeth tries to figure out if Andrrrei has lied about anything on his visa application, because the lawyer she saw scared her (but not as much as Andrrrei). Andrrrei thinks the lawyer is just being negative, and yeah he overstayed his travel visa but that’s the past, baby! I really appreciate that he’s taken the time to learn to say “like” enough to fit in in America.
He’s definitely like doing it right
If – God forbid – Andrrrei’s visa is denied, it’s not a big deal because Andrrrei has decided they’ll just live in Ireland or Moldova, and if Elizabeth’s family has a problem with it that’s too bad.
Whatever you say Andrrrrrrrrrrrei
Well that was fun. Let’s pop in on the most in love lovebirds that ever loved, Nicole and Azan. They’re going to stay with Azan’s aunt, and Nicole is super psyched because they can theoretically sleep in the same room and bone and whatnot.
May can sleep on the couch.
Azan is looking particularly good tonight in a deep V and glasses, and I guess if I were Nicole I’d want to talk his Aunt into letting us room together too.
But not with May there. Come on.
Everyone in Azan’s family loves Nicole; maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe this really is real love. Is it? I’m seriously asking, please comment if maybe this relationship will work or if my brain has just turned to actual garbage.
Azan asks his aunt basically for permission to have sex with Nicole under her roof, and Auntie politely declines. Nicole is disappointed and Azan will never be able to look his aunt in the face again.
Back in Thailand, David is in Bangkok reminiscing with Annie about the night they first met; they’re going to meet up with David’s friend and his wife for dinner and DAMN David’s storyline is just getting bleaker by the second. David has no house, no car, no bank account. How did he even get to Thailand, hiding in a crate on a freight ship or something?
It’s revealed that David and Annie will be crashing in Chris and Nikki’s basement, which Nikki would like to make clear was not her idea.
Now if only you could get your husband to quit financing that weirdo
Chris says he knows Annie can’t work while she’s in America on the K-1 visa, but he was wondering if Annie would cook Thai food for him and also maybe give him a Thai massage by the pool.
Because that’s not at all a creepy and awful thing to say.
Nikki clearly is not a David fan; in a testimonial she says David’s like an unwanted son and Chris needs to take him off the tit. I almost like her, but I would like her more if she’d slapped her husband for propositioning Annie. Oh well, no one’s perfect. Especially not on this show. David pinkie promises Annie they’ll get their own place soon, so….cool, I guess.
Cool cool cool.
Meanwhile in Georgia, Molly’s put on her finest camo for a family BBQ.
I call this Fance-o – fancy camo
Luis is still on this “Kensely doesn’t want me for a father” kick, but like – have you ever heard of stepdads, Luis? I’ve never called my stepdad “dad”, just deal with it!
The lunch is mostly awkward quizzing from Molly’s racist dad while her teen daughter tries not to die from embarrassment.
Embarrassed-nearly-to-death teen Olivia has a valid point; it’s pretty weird to meet someone twice and decide to move them to America and get married, but I guess she’s never seen this show before because love will find a way!
We take a brief trip back to Ireland, where Elizabeth is trying to get Andrrrei to give a shit about his visa interview, and he’s wanting her to shut her ignorant woman’s mouth. I do not like that I find Andrrrei attractive when he smiles.
Andrrrei says Elizabeth is just nervous because she’s a woman and has too many feelings, whereas he is a confident man and so everything will be fine and these test questions are dumb and shut up, Elizabeth.
If I have to punch someone in the face for a visa then that is what I’m going to do.
Back in Morocco, Azan is taking Nicole and May out for lunch, but Nicole has a special request.
You make it hard to root for you, girl
They discuss their plans for the future, and it turns out that Nicole’s Dad – who’s footing the bill for Azan’s visa – wants them to live separately until marriage, but Azan’s doubtful because he can’t trust Nicole’s cheating ass.
YOU MAKE IT HARD TO ROOT FOR YOU, GIRL
Also apparently Nicole took off her engagement ring and went out partying with a friend?! Nicole, what are you doing? There’s a really cool “whoosh” sound as the camera zooms in on Nicole asking Azan if he loves her (“yes”) and trusts her (“…”). He is right not to trust her, because you know the friend she went out partying with? It was a guy friend.
Azan gets this news at the exact same time we do; on camera in the 90 Day Fiance equivalent of the Diary Room. Nicole is baffled that Azan doesn’t like her taking off her engagement ring to go party with a dude, so she takes off her mic and ends the interview.
You’re supposed to drop the mic, not just hold it there
The director does some dramatic shots while Nicole and Azan go outside to talk:
Azan is so upset he takes his glasses off then puts them back on; seriously dude just get rid of her. May can learn to call someone else Daddy.
Alright, it’s time for the saga of the upper teeth!
Oooh, I see some
Josh is going to pick up Aika from the airport, and on the way tells us they had only known each other for five days when he proposed.
Sweeping orchestral score goes here
Josh describes their airport kiss as yummy – “like candy!”, Aika says. She thinks about it, then says “sticky” – “like candy!” Josh says.
Y’all need to knock it off
Aika is disappointed Josh hasn’t bought her a Porsche, so I can imagine how psyched she’ll be to learn she and Josh have roommates.
Let’s check in with Molly and Luis one more time; it looks like Luis has a new job in addition to babysitter –
Call me Papa, perro
Luis is bored and lonely since Molly works all the time (at her bra store? I call bullshit), so he FaceTimes his family in the Dominican Republic. He complains a million more times about Molly’s kids not accepting him, but – not to keep comparing myself to Molly’s kids – I was a total asshole to my stepdad for like 10 years.
IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS, LUIS
Back to Connecticut or wherever! Evelyn is telling David how everything he wants to do in the wedding planning is wrong.
No no, cut a little mullet in the envelope
David wants Evelyn’s friends and family to host his friends and family for the wedding. Poor David, he’s forgetting that all Evelyn’s friends are children, so that’s not going to happen.
How much are hotels anyway, 25 dollars or something?
David screws up an invitation and Evelyn gives him a look that I feel certain will be their primary means of marital communication.
ARIZONA TOOTHWATCH TIME
Are they there?
Aika meets Josh’s roommates, and really likes Jason.
I bet HE has visible upper teeth
Josh’s most doubting-est friend, Joe, has come over and brought Aika American themed flowers, chocolates, and a necklace.
Aika is thrilled.
After giving Aika his dollar store bounty, Joe asks Aika if she was just looking for men in America or what.
Are you kidding me? Don’t you see my USA necklace?
Aika deflects the question by saying she knows Joe’s against her, so…I guess that’s a yes?
Now the time has come for Andrrrei’s visa interview, and he is finally a little bit nervous – almost as if there is a weak woman living within him or something.
Our final scene in this two hour episode (going up against RHOA and Walking Dead is pretty ballsy, TLC), and it’s Nicole and Azan meeting up for a possible forgiveness lunch.
Don’t let her do you like this, Azan
Nicole promises Azan that he has nothing to worry about, but Azan only trusts Nicole about 40% now (kind of like how Annie loves David 80% or whatever). Azan thinks about it, and like a beautiful cardiganed fool takes Nicole back. Oh, Azan.
This is and has been a wild ride, and I’m very excited to be recapping it here. If you’re not watching this show, I implore you – WATCH THIS SHOW. Also, if you’re not watching this show I bet this has been a very confusing experience. See you next week!
Pssst – if you don’t read my recaps I’m annulling our marriage