Post-Alan boot, Ashley’s kissing Joe’s ass back at camp. Seriously? Maybe I’m missing something here, but Joe’s still a dick, girl.
The next morning at the Red tribe, Ben has a PTSD episode when exploding bamboo on the fire makes an unexpected, loud bang. He goes down to the beach to collect himself and no one on the tribe knows what to do, but Ben handles the whole situation with grace. I would not make fun of this incident, though I wonder why the producers decided to include it in the episode. It has no bearing on anything.
I wouldn’t put it past the execs to make this the social justice issue of the season, and attempt to co-brand with the new Thank You For Your Service movie. CBS doesn’t have a floor when it comes to making money from someone’s pain.
Next week, on Survivor: three new popular celebrity castaways are divvied up among the tribes.
REWARD CHALLENGE! Mike, Cole and Jess are particularly happy to see that Jess’s advantage helped to take Alan out of the game. Glee does not look good on them. I am surprised Cole didn’t find his way to the Blue tribe before the advantage did just to tell them about it ahead of time.
Guess what? It’s not a puzzle! The Survivor gods have heard your cries, oh itchy, and have decreed that this challenge shall be puzzle-free!! The castaways will compete in a vaguely human centipede-reminiscent relay race in which their feet are bound together and their hands are tied to their sides, too. They have to inchworm themselves down a sand track, moving a ball forward with their heads/bodies to a mat, when the next tribe member will take the ball-baton to the next relay participant. Once the third tribemember has squiggled his/her ball down to the finish line, the fourth tribe member will have to throw five balls, one at a time, into a very high basket. The REWARD is iced coffee, tea and pastries.
In case you needed to know what Yellow’s o-faces look like.
Listen, I understand. I live entirely too far from a Dunkin’ Donuts at this point in my life. The last few times I have made the drive to pick up a chai tea and some Munchkins, I’ve had a little o-o-ohhhh moment at the drive-thru window myself. Second place is a jug of iced coffee.
Probst is throwing in the tea bag
female condom gratis.
Chrissy and Lauren sit out for Yellow and Red, respectively, since each tribe needs only need four players for this one. The challenge begins, and Desi is kicking ass like some yoga master seal doing pushups for Blue.
This is MY circus, bitches.
I LOVE this challenge so hard. It’s physically demanding and fun to watch. There are changes in elevation in this sand track so competitors have to roll the balls and their bodies up and down hills. That’s not a problem for Ashley and Joe on the Blue team, who are following Desi’s lead and are achieving that prophecy that the Blue team is physically superior. However, Mike, as the Red tribe’s second leg, is practically humping the ball up the hill and can’t get it to go anywhere. Ali passes him with her tribe’s Yellow ball, but Blue is already on to the basket making. Ryan takes over from Ali while Mike is still working his way toward Ben, but then this happens.
Remember, as an embarrassed tween, when your bowling ball went into the other lane at the birthday party?
Yeah, this is worse.
Ben makes short work of the third leg of the ball relay for Red but by the time Cole makes their first basket, Devon’s already made three baskets for Blue. So Blue wins easily, Red comes in second and Yellow never even gets to the basket before it’s over.
Post-challenge, full of cinnamon bun and victory adrenaline, Devon interviews that Joe is scary good at this game and tells Ashley that he’s aligned with her against Joe and Desi. Ashley interviews that she believes they can convince Desi to vote against Joe if the only alternative is to go to rocks after a tie.
Ryan is apologizing profusely and making amusing social amends, as is his strength.
As opposed to anything physical, which is his weakness.
Roark and Ali feel each other out on the way to the well, talking about an all-girl alliance with Cole and Mike in the future. They agree, though, that Harold and Maude have to go.
I have a splinter … and presbyopia. Use your young firefighter eyes and help a MYLF out.
Ryan feels caught in the middle between his alliance with Ali and his alliance with Chrissy and knows he’s going to keep double-timing them as long as possible.
Over at Red, Cole’s getting on everyone’s last nerve by doing the gross stuff boys do: using his fingers and serving utensils to eat the extra food.
I bet he doesn’t bother to bury his shit after he takes a dump behind the bushes, either.
Even Jess is getting annoyed with him.
She can forgive secret betrayals, but poor personal hygiene is a bridge too far.
Jess and Mike head to the well. While there, they discuss that Joe found his idol by the camp well, and maybe they should dig around this well to see if there’s one here. Sure enough, Mike digs up an IMMUNITY IDOL and just like that, Jessica has a new boyfriend.
IMMUNITY CHALLENGE! It’s a swim out to a boat, retrieve three heavy bags of rice and stick them through a random hole in a wooden frame they all have to climb over before bringing the three bags back to the beach … on a balance beam. Then they get to indulge their internal serial killers by stabbing into the bags of rice repeatedly with a knife to retrieve three balls.
Joe enjoys being in his natural state. Mike is right to be scared.
One of the tribe members will then use the three balls complete a vertical ball maze we’ve seen before. They have to stand on an angled balance beam while completing the ball maze, which is both random and difficult. Ryan’s sitting out for Yellow (good call) and Mike’s sitting out for Red. As the challenge begins, we see that this one is as tough as the reward challenge, especially in the bag-in-the-hole stuffing and the balance beam.
Blue gets to the beach first, and Joe is tearing up those bags and emasculating them. Ben’s not too far behind for Red, but Yellow’s still working their way across the balance beam. JP ended up carrying all three bags across the beam for Yellow.
Carrying the bags, carrying the team.
Red and Blue stay neck-and-neck in the maze portion.
Can’t we just eat Madagascar hissing cockroaches?
Chrissy falls off the beam for Yellow, Ali takes over and gets one ball through the maze successfully, and Chrissy gets back on her wooden horse to try again.
Waterskiing … without the water or the fun.
Chrissy falls off the beam. The Yellow tribe passively convos with her about switching to another player. No one’s making a decision, so Chrissy stays in … and falls off again. Of course, they lose. Roark interviews over the sad walk back to camp that Chrissy sucked at the challenge so she needs to go.
Back at camp, Chrissy interviews that Roark is almost as smart as her so she’d be a good ally. She and Roark go down to the beach and Chrissy flatters her intelligence and suggests that she and Roark mastermind getting rid of “one of the boys” at this tribal. Roark’s like
This bitch got to go.
Roark can’t believe that Chrissy thinks she’s dumb enough to fall for Chrissy’s shit. Chrissy interviews that SHE knows that ROARK knows that SHE knows this “potential alliance” isn’t going anywhere and that Roark isn’t THAT smart. Ugh. At this point, I want Chrissy kicked off too. On my annoyance meter, smug fake intelligence is right up there with bullying. She is seriously approaching See You Next Tuesday territory.
I like these people, but of course, I’d never invite them to my MENSA Labor Day bash in the Hamptons or anything.
Starting to scramble, Chrissy approaches JP at the well and suggests voting out Roark, natch. JP, ever the Simple Simon, demurs because Roark is “good at challenges, though”. Dear JP: Women are wickedly cruel, mostly to each other. Wake UP! Chrissy tells JP that Roark wants an all-girls alliance. JP is shocked. Shocked. And stupid.
I do declare!
Ryan and Chrissy confer and decide to blindside Roark. Ali and Ryan chat about voting out Chrissy instead of Roark because Roark already met with Ali and made her case: Chrissy lost the challenge for them and she’s the weakest link. Ryan tells Ali he’ll vote with her against Chrissy because he trusts Roark and he trusts Ali more. Ryan interviews that he’s the swing vote and he gets to decide if Roark or Chrissy’s going home, but either way, Ali or Chrissy is going to be really pissed at him, which screws up his social game. Yeah, but if you vote out Chrissy, Ryan, she’ll be all the way over at Ponderosa being disappointed in you.
TRIBAL! Ali tells Jeff that Chrissy should have let someone else try the ball maze at the challenge. Chrissy said she tried to but everyone told her to stay in and keep going. Roark snarks at Chrissy about only talking to her on the day she needs Roark’s vote, rather than considering her important enough to talk strategy with prior to challenge day. Roark’s pretty proud of herself for her passive-aggressive speech to Chrissy.
Next week, I’ll move on to polite confrontation.
Chrissy defends herself, saying it’s a two-way street and Roark never came to her either, but Chrissy talked to everyone else on the tribe, not just Roark. Roark ain’t buying it and no one else is either so Chrissy wisely drops it. JP brings up the possibility of the all-girl alliance. Roark tells Jeff she feels comfortable and trusts the bonds she has built. Ali points out that trust is built through tribal votes, and Roark doesn’t have that trust yet because she’s never been tribal before and never had to test an alliance to vote someone out.
VOTE! It’s Roark! Ali and Roark voted for Chrissy, but Chrissy, JP and Ryan voted for Roark. Hmmmm … Roark is pragmatic about her dismissal and I give her credit for that. I can’t wait to see Ali body slam Ryan over this vote, though.