Yeah!!!! We are back to torture you for another week!
Previously, the OC gals traveled to Iceland. Lydia was left out of a group text and tried to decapitate Tamra and Shannon with some laminated menus. Vicki, dare we dream, is having a “heart” attack, but we fear it’s just a hang-over or some other stunt to gain sympathy, attention and the November cover of Casserole Monthly Magazine. Puppy the Buffalo (MisRed called it a Bison, but will defer to Ronnie and Ben on this one…) made his series debut. He will be holding the Fermented Shark, front and center on the series premier of Real Housewives of Rjrnwpllnjsiep, coming to Bravo this spring.
Shocking. MisRed did not see this coming.
Oh!!!! And in REAL LIFE- Shannon lost 180lbs. She announced she and David. David! David? are separated. Show of hands for people who are happy for Shannon. MisRed’s hand is up. Oh, and Miss Andy dissed Kathy Griffin.
Top of the Ice Slab! It’s 5:06am, MisRed has her coffee, and only a partial showing from her support staff …
Two outta Three ain’t bad
But let’s see what fresh hell we have this week, shall we?
A doctor and ambulance arrive to aid a “dying” Vicki. Piggy, in the clearest, most coherent we’ve seen her EVER explains that Vicki has heart palpitations, and had a fever.
You might also be faking a heart attack.
Huddled in the corner, the other witches snicker about Vicki having an anxiety attack… of course Tamra is like “Betch, what would she have anxiety about, betch?!”
Tamra comes over and sits on the bed and is like- nonchalantly- I might add “Are you okay?” Vicki says, “I just want to sleep.” The doctor tells her she can’t speak while she is having her blood pressure taken… so she throws a drink in his face and says, “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!” Just kidding. MisRed has to do something to liven things up a little.
You might want to grab a blindfold.
The doctor orders everybody out of the room. So naturally, Shannon comes in and explains to Vicki that she had the same ailment, you know, when Vicki was spreading the “false allegations,” but then the police and doctor shuffle everyone out of the room so they can “work” on Vicki.
Lydia wants to say a prayer for her, so they do so in the hallway.
How is having Hotel Ranga burst into flames going to help this situation?
Piggy keeps wanting and trying to go back in to Vicki’s bedside- she feels she is being supportive, but all of this is annoying Kelly and they bicker.
“I wouldn’t let you play ball in the house either.”
Kelly thinks that Piggy is just trying to “Swoop in, like she is better than me. So, she can say like, ‘Look Vicki! I’m your best friend.” Yes, folks that’s a direct quote. I mean, I hate Vicki, but shouldn’t they just be concerned about her hangover and not be jockeying for #2 Asshole Position?
Just in time for Halloween…
Bahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahah. The EMTs wheel Vicki out of the room, sitting upright in a chair, and Vicki has a robe over her head! Tamra and Shannon are like WTF, who does she think she is Michael Jackson? Shannon thinks Vicki is worried about the paparazzi taking photos of her.
Vicki could suffocate…if we switched that robe for some Tyvek
As they are loading Vicki into the Ambulance, Shannon is saying “You’ve just been up for 3 straight days…” and we review the PREVIOUS evening where Vicki and Kelly went out to “whoop it up.” Vicki, under her own power, with no help, hops from the wheel chair onto the stretcher and into the back of the ambulance and all of the ladies are saying “You’ll be fine!” And Shannon is asking the EMTs to “expedite this” haha, like it’s some mozzarella sticks she forgot to order.
Then Kelly yells after Vicki “You could totally have a heart attack! Or a stroke!!” The ambulance pulls away, the rest of the ladies go inside- presumably to have drinks- but Piggy stays outside and plaintively watches the ambulance pull away….
Back inside the hotel, the women all discuss they are all starving. Piggy starts to get a little upset and says she’s going to go change her clothes. In her interview, she says “These women are more interested in eating and drinking than in going to the hospital to be with Vicki.”
Ummm, Piggs, this is because they KNOW Vicki and they KNOW there is a 99.9% chance this is all BULLSH*T.
Kelly and Meghan go to the hotel restaurant. Kelly says she wants to go to the hospital to be with Vicki. Meghan asks “Why? Do you feel guilty?” And Kelly is like – no, I just think it would be nice for someone to be with Vicki. No sooner do they order their meal, and Kelly ordered a delicious-sounding seafood soup, when Lydia comes along to say that the car is there to take them to the hospital. Kelly reasons that it’s going to take a while before they know anything and she’s starving.
What if we stop at McFermentedShark on the way?
Lydia decides to go to the hospital now and for Kelly to come after she eats and then Lydia will come back to the hotel.
If I needed to go to the hospital, I would hope they would include me in the group text
Lydia interviews that she really can’t believe Kelly is eating dinner instead of going to be with her friend in the hospital in a foreign country! In fairness, that creamy seafood soup did sound amazing. Plus, Vicki is being dramatic. And the restaurant could run out of the soup.
Shannon and Tamra join Kelly and Meghan. Meghan explains that Lydia went to the hospital but Kelly reasoned that she had to eat. And Tamra is like- Yeah we haven’t eaten all day. Vicki will still be dramatic later, trust me, order the soup.
Upstairs, Piggy calls Dicko who is like “Why are you calling me?” She explains to him about Vicki “she felt heavy,
Well, maybe not heavy, but certainly flabby
and her arms were tingly.” She says that the ambulance came and she wanted to go with her but they wouldn’t let her go. She called Dicko so he would “give her advice to give her confidence as to what to do.“
Yeah, you read that right.
Very complex plan
Dicko is like- take a cab to the hospital, preferably a cab that is half black and half white, and make sure she gets the proper care. Piggy has a flashback to when her father had a stroke and says his death was unbearable. Of course, that was your father… but this is VICKI!!!!
Vicki gets to the hospital at 10:30- so a full hour later.
After a one hour nap, she already looks better.
At 11pm the ladies are still having dinner and drinking.
Here lies Vicki Gunvalson…
Shannon cheers to Vicki’s possible death. Just kidding, Shannon makes a toast to good health and says “God, what a shame.” Then she asks Kelly who it was that called 9-1-1- did Vicki ask for the ambulance to be called. Kelly says that she was scared.
Tamra asks “Was she convulsing what was she doing that scared you?
Kelly says “Well, she put on this red dress… without spanx…”
Kelly explains that Vicki’s face was red and she was crying.
Shannon asks “Was she dizzy? Was she making false accusations?”
Just how mama likes it
Just then, the food comes. Shannon’s piece of fish is served and she goes “That is REALLY THICK.”
Shannon asks what the plan is. Kelly says, “We are taking shifts.” Tamra says, well, let’s eat, then digest, then make a phone call to see what’s going on. Kelly keeps says “We are taking shifts.” Tamra thinks they should all go. Kelly says “We are taking shifts. Plus, I kind of want to see an Icelandic hospital.” Tamra does too.
Meghan is like “I’m staying here.”
Kelly keeps saying “We are taking shifts.”
Tamra is like “Are we taking shifts, Kelly? Because you haven’t said it enough.”
Meghan says “If I was Vicki and you two walked into my room… I’d have a heart attack.”
Shannon reasons, Vicki made a LOT of strong comments last year that she and Meghan didn’t go to the hospital after Vicki faked her neck injury in the Glamis Dunes accident, she doesn’t want similar backlash after this faked episode. To clarify, she doesn’t really care about Vicki but she doesn’t want to get any flack for not caring about Vicki.
Vicki might be dead? That’s a shame.
Shannon says in her interview that she and Meghan were strongly criticized last year, but here is Kelly, Vicki’s best friend, sitting at the dinner table eating and drinking, and it NOT at Vicki’s side.
They ask if they should go check on Piggy? Kelly says, “I’m enjoying myself!!” Clearly, Kelly is still irritated with Piggy.
We are 15 minutes in, folks.
Piggy comes down and says she’s going to the hospital. Kelly tells her to wait that she will go with her. Piggy argues that she wants to go now- and Kelly is like- let me finish my dinner and I’ll go with you.
Piggy interviews “you have to feed your tummy before your friend.”
Yes, that the crux of the matter.
In fairness, Piggy- you had to call your husband to get the confidence to go to the hospital. And MisRed reiterates, that soup looked amazing.
Piggy waits for 5 seconds and says, “I’m going to go.”
You can’t wait until I finish feeding?
Kelly tells her to wait a second. Piggy says that she talked to Dicko and he told her to go. And Kelly is like- SO?!?!? Piggy says she is “not going to disrespect my husband, he told me to go.” Kelly says “Disrespect? If he told you to jump would you say how high?”
Piggy says, “He didn’t tell me to jump.”
Piggy asks why Kelly is yelling at her and Kelly reasons that in the grand scheme of things, two seconds isn’t going to make a difference.
Piggy interviews that she respects her husband and he respects her- and that makes a good marriage and maybe if Kelly had that, she’d have a good marriage too. Well, maybe. That and she shouldn’t have married a psychopath. Oh, and she, herself, shouldn’t be an asshole. You know- while we are making points about what makes a good marriage, MisRed figured she’d point out those two small things.
Piggy says “Ok, I’m going to go.” And she goes out and gets in the van and leaves for the hospital.
Back inside Kelly makes fun of Piggy saying that it’s so stupid that she does what Dicko tells her. Kelly says, her grandmother told her to “get her education and work and have a career so no man will ever tell you what to do.”
Oh? When did Kelly have a job or a career? Not any time in the pasts decade. Did MisRed miss something? Quite honestly, Vicki is really the only one of them who has even, really, held a job, from what MisRed can see. And, uh, Piggy, does seem to have a better marriage, at least on the surface, than the rest of these hags.
At Midnight, when Vicki calls, the girls are still eating and drinking. Vicki explains that she had some blood tests and an EKG.
And another colonic because I’m so full of sh*t.
They warn her that Piggy is on her way to the hospital. Vicki says she will come back to the hotel when Piggy arrives.
Meghan promptly orders Vicki a casserole- MisRed is not kidding.
Piggy arrives at the hospital. And two seconds later Vicki walks out under her own power.
Mmmmmm. A yogurt. Just what I want when I’m starving.
She explains that she had “elevated blood pressure” and that between the hike, the elevation and the lack of sleep it sent her over the edge.
So, yeah, Vicki had a hangover.
Even Lydia is like- WTF. In her interview, she was like “Yeah, well, Vicki was diagnosed with being Vicki. Even at the hospital, they were like ‘She has a case of the Vickis.’”
According to the blogs, “The Vickis” is a close relative of “The Herpes.”
Vicki calls Steve. He has Vicki’s number, you can tell. She is like – I thought I was dying and I was worried how they would get the body home. Steve was like they could have tied a rope around your ankles just dragged it behind the plane.
Or they could have just hurled her body into the ocean. Oh wait, we don’t want to kill all of the fish. Scratch the ocean plan.
Hope you choke on it, betch.
Vicki, Lydia and Piggy arrive back at the hotel at 12:45am and the other girls are waiting for them in the lobby. They present Vicki with a casserole. Vicki is happier than a pig in sh*t. They ask her if she can have a cocktail and she’s like “Oh yeah, I’m sure I can.”
They take the party back to Shannon’s room and continue drinking. Vicki eats her casserole and swills champagne.
Vicki back at 100
She was realllly sick, wasn’t she? Practically dying.
Kelly suggests that Tamra and Vicki talk- but Vicki wants to be sure Tamra will “be willing to hear my side, because I’ve been hurt too.” Um… how? Tamra says that watching Vicki being taken to the hospital put things in perspective for her- like- what are they really fighting about and does it really matter?
Here is the list AGAIN-
- Vicki is spreading rumors that your husband is gay.
- Vicki was involved in a cancer scam
- Vicki was involved in KAC
- Vicki faked a neck injury at Glamis to make you feel guilty
- Vicki just tried to fake a heart attack
- Vicki is a horrible person
On Vicki’s side-
- Tamra tried to get a topless photo of Vicki to go viral. (as it turns out, nobody is interested in seeing Vicki’s tits.)
- Tamra is a horrible person.
Vicki and Tamra start to talk, but Kelly keeps interrupting. Finally, Tamra is like- Kelly stay out of it. Then Shannon jumps in. There’s a lot of useless back and forth. Tamra goes back to the fact that Vicki was spreading rumors about Eddie being gay. And Vicki says, “Well you did the same about Brooks.” Tamra is like- Huh? Vick says “Oh, you never talked bad about Brooks?”
Does Vicki KNOW the definition of the word RUMOR? What Tamra was saying or “spreading,” was actually the TRUTH about Brooks.
Vicki reasons that she had to find out the truth about Brooks for herself. Ok. But in doing that, Vicki turned her back on the people who were trying to protect her. Tamra says that Vicki chose Brooks over Tamra. Vicki says, “Why do we have to make choices of people?” Ok, suddenly Vicki is Maya F*cking Angelou and trying to be all profound. Vicki is about as profound as a Slim Jim.
Tamra says that she fought for Vicki and Vicki chose Brooks over her.
Vicki is like “I don’t feel like Tamra chose Eddie over me. You shouldn’t have to choose friends over a boyfriend.”
Vicki is like- I would never say that you chose Eddie over me. Tamra is like- that’s because Eddie never did anything wrong.
Back away Tamra… the Vicki’s are contagious
Somehow Vicki and Tamra end up hugging- and crying. Tamra says all she wanted to do was to protect Vicki. Vicki says that Heather and Shannon pushed Vicki away from the group.
Uh oh… Shannon is catching the Vickis
On the other couch, a full 3 feet away, Shannon says to Meghan “What I’m seeing right now is making me sick to my stomach. Vicki has never been a real friend to Tamra- ever. She is a f*cking liar. A f*cking liar. A f*cking liar.” Meghan tries to tell Shannon that now is not the time.
Meghan interview that it must be hard to watch your best friend make up with the person who totally sh*t on you.
Vicki takes center stage for her soliloquy “I’ve known you for a decade of my life. I’m 55 years old and I met you when I was 45 years old.” Ok, so Vicki can subtract 10 from 55 and get the answer correct. “I told you then that you were my family. Don’t hurt me and I will not hurt you.”
Shannon enters from stage left, dagger in hand, “You do it EVERY WEEK.”
Vicki interviews that Shannon doesn’t want her to be friends with Tamra. She wants Tamra all to herself. Which, in fairness, is probably true.
Shannon goes in on Vicki and Vicki just kind of slinks out of the room because “Steve is worried to death over me.” Yeah, that’s why he was making jokes about dragging your dead bloated body behind a 747. Vicki slithers out of the room to go call him .
Shannon is like- I’ve watched you cry a lot tonight. Tamra reasons that they made some headway but they can’t completely move on. Shannon says- every week Vicki puts stories out that Eddie is gay. Kelly says that Vicki does not do this.
Tamra understand Shannon’s concerns, but that she (Tamra) is just over the negativity and the fighting. Yeah, well, negativity and fighting are like oxygen to Shannon.
Shannon says to Meghan and Kelly “Tamra will compare me to Vicki saying that she never knew what a good friend was…” and then she realizes that neither Meghan or Kelly are listening.
Warding off the Vickis through prayer
The next morning, we catch up with Lydia reading her bible. Oh, btw, MisRed didn’t even notice that Lydia wasn’t part of the festivities the previous evening. MisRed was hoping they left her off the group text invite, but when I re-watched I saw that Lydia excused herself to go to bed.
Kelly calls Lydia and tells her to come over because she “missed the big show last night.” Lydia gets to Kelly’s and then Vicki calls. Apparently, Kelly and Piggy got into it the previous evening. Piggy was chastising Kelly for drinking and saying mean and nasty things. Then she said that she was going to have her husband call Kelly’s husband. Kelly told Piggy she would “trump her every day of the week.”
Piggy’s response? “What’s trump?”
Kelly says that Piggy is being ridiculous saying that her husband is going to call my husband and says, “My Dad is going to beat up your Dad.”
Piggy is like “What did you say about my Dad.” Oh no.
Vicki tells Kelly to be nice to Piggy.
Then Tamra comes in in her Asian slippers. We learn Tamra pee’d herself the night before. And apparently Tamra is still wearing the pants she pee’d in.
Kelly thinks it’s weird that Shannon got so upset last night. Uh, have you MET Shannon???
Tamra reasons that she just has to move on from this fighting.
Tamra says that of course she still cares about Vicki- she’s still a human being and has compassion. Oh really? This is new information. Tamra doesn’t think that they will be best friends again, but she just wants to be in a place where they can have fun together.
Someone call the CDC… the Vickis are spreading
Outside in the hallway, Vicki hugs Tamra. They knock on Piggy’s door because Piggy was upset that Kelly is a filthy, vulgar pig the previous evening, so they try to talk to her but she won’t answer the door.
Hasn’t Iceland been through enough?
Later Vicki is wandering that halls of the hotel in just a towel. WTF!?!?!
The ladies leave to go shopping, but Piggy isn’t with them. Everyone tried to call and text her but there has been no response.
In the van, the ladies talk about how they should buy Piggy a nice present. The ladies shop and all buy Monkey Fur Headbands.
Monkey Fur for everyone!
Lydia says to Shannon that she is getting along with Vicki and it’s nice to see. Shannon is like- yeah, it’s nice for a trip, but don’t expect it to last. Hahah
Shannon meets her doppleganger, complete with chin hair
Back at the hotel, the girls go to find Piggy- they have a monkey fur headband and flowers, but Piggy is still not answering her door.
Vicki can’t even wear monkey fur correctly…
Piggy says that the previous evening was terrible. Kelly insulted her while the rest of the ladies laughed. Why would Piggy want to be around “creatures” like that? Pssst. It’s called a contract and paycheck, Piggy.
Piggy finally says that she’s ok, she just needs time to herself.
Next week, it looks like they go to Medieval Times Iceland style.
And Piggy and Meghan get into a fight. Yeah…. More drama.
Are you surprised that Vicki’s ailment was all a bunch of nonsense? What do you think about Shannon’s divorce? How do you feel about Peggy relying so heavily on Dicko’s advice? Anyone feel sorry for Vicki? Didn’t think so.
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