Greetings from Jamaica, Mon, still.
Well they haven’t COMPLETELY destroyed the island yet.
Well, MisRed has some bad news… the party is over. MisRed went back to work this week. You know, it would be a lot easier (for me) if someone would just pay me to stay home. And frankly, I don’t think it’s a lot to ask.
Where were we?
Previously, Shannon pulled a Piggy and, at the end of the last episode was holed up in her penthouse sauna. Rumor has it, Luann sent some of her Native American people in the help Shannon sweat out her anxiety. Shannon stayed in the sweat lodge until she saw her vision- which was… a NACHO.
Seriously, Shannon is in seclusion and not taking calls or answering texts.
With the other ladies, Emily is trying to strong-arm The Turtle into having another baby. Gina and Emily are frustrated with Shannon’s icy demeanor. Tamra is frustrated with Shannon’s negativity and Vicki and Kelly think Shannon needs to be on medication for her fear, anxiety and stress over her divorce from David.David?David! and over the fact water isn’t free in California.
The show opens 15 hours after anyone has spoken to Shannon. The other women are having lunch together. Shannon is incommunicado. Almost like she’s on Manhunter or something. She’s just a dot on a map. Someone should have micro-chipped Shannon before she escaped the Lab.
Kelly and Tamra say they are afraid to talk to Shannon. As if she’s been possessed by some demon, which, I guess, she has. His name is David.David?David! But Vicki isn’t afriad. Yes, Vicki, you are the strongest one.
I’ve seen myself without make-up, I can handle anything.
You’ve been through 7,500 plastic surgeries turning you from the Elephant Man into a Circus Attraction and are slowly being turned BACK into the Elephant Man. Vicki thinks Shannon needs them and is unwell. Shannon does need something. Not sure if it’s a 75-year-old, rubber-faced narcissist, who participated in a cancer scam and will attempt to change her entire personality to suit a man, but what does MisRed know?
And Tamra and Kelly, just go to the door with a tray of nachos and you will be fine. Vicki knows if Shannon attacks her she will just flash her. The sight of Vicki’s tits is enough to turn anyone to stone.
Tamra says she wants to help Shannon but being a friend to Shannon is difficult. What she really is saying is, it’s taking longer for her to gaslight Shannon than she originally anticipated. The ladies decide to move on and stop talking about Shannon. Gina says she couldn’t be happier, but secretly Gina LOVES to talk about Shannon.
Guaranteed, Bravo will need to send these people an Edible Arrangement.
The ladies go to Dunn’s River Falls. Kelly informs us she has “researched the sh*t” out of these falls and its one of the things you MUST do when you come to Jamaica.
Oh, also, these falls won the Olympics.
The girls are nervous about walking on the wet rocks. Kelly is nervous because these women are about as coordinated as Violet Beauregarde on her way to the juicing room.
We get a few flashbacks of the women being klutzy over this season.
Tamra says she can’t walk on slippery or uneven surfaces due to her recent broken foot. Tamra is basically a shape-shifter, I’m surprised she can’t just turn herself into a vulture and fly up to the top. Tamra says she was pushing it doing the rope swing and her doctor would kill her for walking up these falls. The guide tells her she can walk up the path alongside the falls.
How can I rig my top to fall off on dry land?
Oh well, guess we will have to wait and find out how she manages to do it.
The girls get in the water and start to climb the falls. Vicki needs to be hauled up by mule train. Vicki interviews that “climbing up these falls is against everything I believe.”
Faking cancer is ok, but waterfalls is where Vicki draws the line.
Vicki gets her foot caught. Great. We knew there had to be a trip to the hospital for Vicki and you KNOW she’s been trying to find a way to break her foot, so the Tres Amigas could ride off to Andale’s on their scooters.
Can you believe it? I’m getting paid for this!!
While climbing the falls, Kelly’s giant buoys come out of her bathing suit. I mean, she was pushing her luck just getting off the bus with those things, consider her bathing suit. I’ve seen tissue paper with more support. The editors must have cut out the scene of Tamra passing the tit-exposing baton to Kelly.
These floatation devices are DD.
Well girls, fear not, if you think you are drowning, just grab onto Kelly, her juggs will keep you afloat.
Gina just put your foot on Vicki’s head and press.
The women are falling all over the place. It’s a clusterf*ck.
Now picture this PLUS Shannon.
The guide has to remind them that they will not die. Come on, can someone just hold Vicki’s head under the water? Please… for me?
Crap. They made it.
On the way back to the hotel, the girls, who suddenly all have Red Stripe Trucker hats, talk about the beach dinner they have planned for that evening.
Still no one has heard from Shannon, and it’s been 17 hours. LOL as if Shannon is trapped in a mine or something. Or floating through Space like George Clooney in Gravity.
David. David! David?
Houston to Shannon, come in Shannon…
Maybe they should call the hotel and have them do a “wellness check.” Or ask room service to put some Nachos Grande outside Shannon’s hotel room and check back in 10 minutes?
If the nachos are gone, we can assume Shannon is alive and as well as can be expected.
They return to the villas and Alfredo has arranged lovely Charcuterie board for their snacking needs.
Still no word from Shannon.
Tamra suggests Vicki call Shannon. Vicki calls the hotel and is connected to Shannon’s room. The phone rings, however, Shannon does not answer. Vicki is worried and Kelly thinks it’s completely rude for Shannon to ignore all communication.
What does MisRed think? Thank you for asking. Shannon, I think, is just playing the “Feel Sorry for Shannon” game. She wants people to chase her and tell her how much they love her and check on her, while she will completely ignore they efforts. Once she feels she has PUNISHED them enough by depriving them of her company, she will resume communication.
Vicki is worried that something has happened to Shannon- like she’s having a mental breakdown.
Over at Villa #2, Emily and Gina are getting ready for dinner together. Gina doesn’t understand what’s wrong with Shannon? Uh, we only have 43 minutes here. Gina, just call MisRed and we can do a deep dive.
Gina thinks this entire kerfuffle with Shannon and her flipping out stems from her wanting to get to know Shannon.
Well, Miss 30-year-old, I have news for you, Shannon doesn’t give a dog’s rip about you. Tamra is the one who really upset the apple cart. Or the nacho cart as the case may be.
Sometime later, Vicki calls Shannon again, and Shannon answers. Oh good, Shannon feels she has sufficiently punished the women, depriving them of her company, and is ready to have them fawn all over her.
Vicki is like- I’ve been calling and texting you all day. Oh? Shannon thought they were playing Hide and Seek.
Shannon replies “This overwhelming concern for my mental well-being is kind of a joke. Because I think I’ve been nothing but fun on this trip!”
Oh! Now we know what Shannon has been doing all day. Working on her stand-up comedy routine. Seriously, Shannon, you’ve been NOTHING BUT FUN?!!?!?!? I swear to Satan, these shows need to team up with the NFL for instant-replay.
Vicki is like “Okay, of course you are…” Somehow, even being dumb as a bag of hair, Vicki seems to know how to handle Shannon. Vicki expresses that when someone doesn’t answer the phone for 24 hours, people start to get worried. Shannon proceeds with her victim impact statement, saying she was blindsided, and she had INTENDED to have fun the previous evening and it ended in a mess. Yes, and Shannon has no clue how THAT happened.
Tommy Lee trashed Shannon’s evening
Shannon IS planning to join the ladies for dinner.
Oh good, send in the clowns.
Shannon has also moved rooms, she is in Villa 7 – by herself- and she requests Vicki to come pick her up.
Shannon interviews she has been working on being less reactive.
Um… we’ve seen nuclear reactors LESS reactive than Shannon.
Shannon claims she is acting the same way many women do when they are going through a really, really, really (that’s 3 reallys for those playing at home) nasty divorce.
Okay Shannon, Okay. Yes, your divorce is nasty. Yes. But you could have things MUCH, MUCH worse. The ONLY thing Shannon truly needs to focus on is healing and taking care of her kids. She isn’t worried about putting food on the table or making ends meet. I know finances are a small part of life, but that can be hugely stressful for a woman who was previously a stay-at-home-mom and then finds herself divorced and having to financially support her kids. Shannon needs to get on an anti-depressant because this behavior is not helping ANYONE.
Speaking of kids… MisRed has ZERO support staff in attendance today. WTF. They are all pissed she went back to work.
The ladies arrive to their beach dinner. Of course, Emily and Gina arrive first. Gina says she feels like they are on a date, but let’s Emily know that she doesn’t put out on the first date. Emily is like… that’s not what I heard.
Vicki, in another outfit she has no business wearing, plods up to Shannon’s villa. Vicki thinks Shannon is just having a pity party for herself. She is. Shannon answers the door and lets Vicki in- Vicki asks if she wants to have a drink- you know since Shannon is such an alcoholic that she’s drinking vodka alone, or head straight to dinner?
Shannon tells Vicki that she is the type of person who, when she gets upset, she needs to “process” things. She was completely HURT and she felt every single one of the women was criticizing her and judging her for being emotional when Shannon is just going her best to keep things together.
I think Shannon needs stronger glue. Cuz Shannon’s sh*t is anything BUT together.
Shannon is right, in a very small way. The women were ganging-up on her SLIGHTLY. VERY SLIGHTLY. But it was really Tamra who put this all into motion getting Gina to say that Shannon was unkind, etc. But it was, like, a kitten gang-up.
Vicki brings up the fact that when she helped Brooks fake cancer and falsify medical documents, NOBODY in the cast was speaking to her. She was completely abandoned.
This is about me, Vicki, remember?
Uh, yeah. Can you blame them? Now pile on top of it that Vicki never, actually, apologized for any of it… AND… demanded a casserole on top of it!!!
Even so, Vicki didn’t completely lose her sh*t at every moment like Shannon has been doing. Although… Vicki did compare herself to Christ on the Cross… so it could be a toss-up.
Back to Shannon explaining her position, she says that even Vicki turned on her. Uh, how? By telling her she needed to calm the f*ck down and get on some medication and 9 lemons in a bowl isn’t a strong enough antidote to pure unadulterated insanity? We flashback to Shannon saying she defended Vicki “to the end,” which isn’t true, btw.
Vicki says that she just wants Shannon to be friends with everyone. So, you know, Vicki has been telling them all she’s a complete LUSH to build sympathy for Shannon. Shannon says she thinks she’s doing pretty well with what’s on her plate.
Oh Shannon. You really need to go to a Divorce Support Group, so you can see what some women and men go through in divorce. I’m not saying Shannon has it easy, as David is the Grey Haired Hitler, but Shannon doesn’t make things any easier with her craziness. Shannon could have REAL problems. For example, David could use Shannon’s history of histrionics to say she is an unfit mother… and/or an alcoholic. To my knowledge, he hasn’t done that. I’m sure he’s done plenty, but he could be trying to destroy her like Bethenny’s husband- not that Bethenny isn’t a velociraptor.
Let’s set the crazy dials back to neutral.
Shannon goes on to say that the women got her fired up by saying she isn’t a good friend and by saying she cries every night. Her hot button issue is when people say she has said or does something she doesn’t do. Shannon claims to be excited about her life. Yeah, we can totally tell. Shannon starts to get a little fired up again, but Vicki is like “Let’s dial it down… woohoo.”
Vicki is trying to distract her and be like- okay we need to go, do you have your phone? Do you have your cream cheese? Do you have your lipstick? Do you have a piece of enema shoved up your keister? She interviews that she just wants Shannon to relax and come to dinner and have some cocktails and have a good time. Yes, adding alcohol is always a good idea in times of mental breakdown.
Tamra and Kelly arrive at dinner and announce Shannon will be joining them.
The women discuss the Shannon Show. Kelly says it’s kind of like when you can’t find your kid. You text them, they don’t respond and you start to panic and then you get PISSED. Kelly is currently in the PISSED stage with Shannon.
Shannon and Vicki arrive and you could cut the tension with a knife. Luckily, Alfredo has cocktails at the ready.
Shannon sits next to Kelly and Kelly is like- I’VE BEEN CALLING YOU!!! Kelly says she has been worried. Shannon offers her a, very quiet, “Sorry.” Kelly doesn’t let it go, she says that all Shannon needed to do-“to have manners” (Thank you, Kelly.) was to text back and say “I’m here.”
In her talking head, Kelly says she thinks it’s ironic that Shannon, of everybody, has the LEAST manners. She went through cotillion classes, etc. and she’s completely rude. Hmm, I must have missed the episode when Shannon called someone a c*nt at lunch… and said she understood why a woman’s husband was cheating on her… or tell a woman struggling with her weight to KEEP EATING… or called s friend’s husband a loser, a dork and a pussy.
Kelly continues to tell Shannon how worried she was. Vicki defuses the situation because she can see the crazy coming back. Kelly thinks Shannon has NO IDEA the amount of stress Shannon put on everyone that day and she offers up a completely LAME apology.
Yes, she does. Shannon knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. And seriously, when have we ever heard anyone sincerely apologize on one of these shows?
Thank god for Alfredo, he comes and takes their dinner order. Everyone sits in silence.
Shannon pipes up saying “I just want to address the elephant in the room…” Listen, I don’t like Vicki either, but there is no need to insult all pachyderms. Shannon says she appreciates everyone’s concern, she was hurt, and she knows there needs to be some discussions at some point, but she needed some time to process the groups transgressions against her.
Gina says she didn’t realize everything that was going on with Shannon and she “was just trying to break-through, I was trying to be your friend.” Shannon interrupts saying she apologizes, but that she has more on her plate than she ever has before and she’s just trying to handle it.
It never gets old.
Emily jumps in saying they recognize Shannon is going through a lot, and they have all been very supportive, but they do not feel Shannon reciprocates. Emily says she really wants to be friends with Shannon.
Shannon tells Gina she has a difficult time hearing that Gina is getting divorced, yet she is still attracted to her husband and he is still her best friend and he’s still slipping her the HBI, because this is what Shannon wanted in HER life.
The last thing David slipped me was some hemlock in my vodka tonic!
Gina, getting emotional, says she appreciates that but Gina is on her own “journey and she wants to be respected for this journey.”
Journey. F*cking Journey. I can’t with these people.
Gina says she just wants to be Shannon’s friend. She just wants Shannon to let her in. Shannon says she doesn’t let people in and then is like “I’m sorry.”
Hahahaah Oh Shannon.
Tamra interviews she is happy Shannon apologized to Gina and Emily- she owed them that, but of course, Tammy Sue wants to know where HER apology is?
The next day… the girls plan to head to the beach. Shannon reaches out to Tamra because “I’m a communicator.” Yes, as is evidence by the fact that you didn’t respond to calls, voicemails or texts for 20 hours the previous day.
Always time for a passive aggressive text…
Shannon asks Tamra to come to her Villa, so they can talk. Tamra is like – Not sure I’m going to have time, I have to get ready, but you can come by here if you are ready. Yes Shannon, never doubt Tamra will make you work for it so she can continue to talk sh*t about you behind your back.
Shannon proceeds to Tamra’s villa. Tamra plans to be 100% honest with Shannon and if Shannon doesn’t like what she hears, Tamra will know she’s done everything she could do. Yes, yes, you’ve done everything you could do to throw Shannon into a tizzy. Congratulations. I mean, not that it’s a very far throw.
Kelly interviews that she thinks Tamra and Shannon should have open communication, but Shannon needs to realize that she has a pretty good life and she needs to get over herself. Well yeah, I’m all for appreciating what you have.
Shannon says she is still reeling from the dinner and clearly, she and Tamra have some underlying issues. Tamra says they don’t have underlying issues, it was Shannon’s reaction at dinner that blew up the situation. Tamra says Shannon is always negative and she needs to live in the moment. Tamra wants Shannon to learn from what Tamra has been through.
Yes, Shannon, learn from Tamra. Maybe you can have one of your kids stop speaking to you by the holidays.
AND Tamra sent Gina in to light the fuse.
Tamra says that Shannon just complains all the time and it’s getting to the point that nobody wants to hear it anymore.
In the other Villa, Emily says all they have done on this trip is wait for Shannon, and she has never met anyone MORE entitled than Shannon. Emily says she isn’t a Doctor- No, we know you are a lawyer, you tell us every episode- but a lot of Shannon’s behaviors remind Emily of her mom. She starts to get upset and emotional.
And slow clap for Emily for attempting to give herself a storyline anybody cares about.
Emily thinks there are issues Shannon simply isn’t recognizing. She’s probably right, frankly. Emily doesn’t want Shannon to go through a life time of depression or mental illness like her mother did. Cue the rumor: Shannon is bi-polar.
Back at the Betch Summit, Tamra tells Shannon she doesn’t like being screamed and yelled at and she does not like the way Shannon talked to her at dinner and doesn’t like the things Shannon accused her of doing and Tamra will not let Shannon talk to her that way.
Don’t be a betch, betch.
Shannon asks what she accused Tamra of doing? Tamra said Shannon called her a “sh*t stirrer.” Well, I mean, if the paddle fits…. Tamra goes on to say that Eddie had an unplanned heart procedure and Tamra still got on a plane the next day to go to Philadelpha with Shannon and this is how Shannon repays her? By calling her a “sh*t stirrer?” Tamra says she doesn’t deserve it.
Well…we could debate that for the rest of the year. And probably well into 2019.
Then Shannon says, “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
Yes, yes, classic non-apology. Tee hee.
Tamra calls Shannon out on her Non-Apology and Shannon goes back to her script “It was never been my intention to hurt your feelings.”
Ok, noted. HOWEVER, you did hurt Tamra’s feelings. I mean, I’m not even sure if Tamra has feelings, but we can go with it in this scenario.
Tamra is like- I know you didn’t INTEND to hurt my feelings, but you did. Shannon says it’s all semantics. Which it isn’t. And Tamra says it isn’t.
Nobody even mentioned Semen, Betch!?!?
Tamra is right. Shannon, honestly, feels just because she didn’t INTEND to do something that should be enough.
Well you know, I didn’t intend to run over your dog, but he is still dead in the street. But you shouldn’t be UPSET because I didn’t INTEND to do it. Great thanks, that will really make my kids feel better about their dead dog who is currently ROAD PIZZA.
Tamra says Shannon accused Tamra of saying she needed to be on medication. But it was Kelly that said that. Tamra says Shannon could have said “Medication really isn’t for me” but instead she had to SCREAM at them.
Shannon goes in for the deflection- that GINA said Shannon wasn’t a good friend to Tamra. Shannon is mad Tamra didn’t defend Shannon and their amazingly reciprocal friendship. Tamra explains this was Gina’s observation. Yeah, well, Gina observed it after Tamra told her Shannon was a bad friend.
They go back and forth a little and Tamra admits, since she and Shannon met up at the nursery, Shannon HAS been there for Tamra. Then Shannon apologizes.
Shannon interviews that there are hurt feelings on both sides, but she wants to work through it. Does that fit on your plate?
ONE MORE TIME!!!
Tamra wants Shannon to turn the corner and try to be more positive about things, Tamra just wants Shannon to be happy. Tamra is fine to give Shannon tough love. Yes, don’t worry, Tamra will always find a way to be a back-stabbing betch but label it as “tough love.”
They hug it out. Yeah, I’m sure this is TOTALLY over. LOL.
The ladies board the bus and head to the beach. Supposedly this beach has healing water. They need to immerse Shannon in it. They order cocktails.
Vicki, Shannon, Tamra and Kelly pee in the water. Great.
Someone add “Sterilize the Caribbean Sea” to the list of reparations to Jamaica.
Gina and Emily go to eat and Gina’s mom calls. Apparently, this triggers Emily to have a meltdown over the fact that she and her mother don’t have a great relationship.
Y A W N
This is lame. Gina says Emily is a great Mom and all the things she is missing in her relationship with her Mother, Emily is giving to her daughter. She wants to break the pattern.
Emily says she wants her kids to have a safe environment.
If you are looking for safety, I would reconsider living with a giant Snapping Turtle.
Emily says she makes dinner for her kids every night and breakfast every morning. The Turtle even brushes her daughter’s hair and she never had that. A hair brushing Turtle IS something you don’t see every day but the rest of it is called “being a parent.” I hate when people want awards for the stuff they are, you know, supposed to be doing.
Back with the other group, the women are drinking rum coconuts in the ocean.
Beware of coconuts, Girls, they will give you the trots.
Where is a frenzy of sharks when you need it?
Later, Gina, Emily and Tamra talk about Tamra’s conversation with Shannon. Emily interviews that she doesn’t think Shannon is aware of all of the things Tamra has said about her. And yes, they may have resolved the current situation but it’s just a band aid, and these things will continue to bubble up.
Oh, maybe Tamra’s top can come off now.
Kelly joins them in the water and Gina, Emily and Kelly swim out to a water trampoline.
Kelly does a pretty impressive back handspring on the trampoline.
She was in a bikini too. Lots could have gone wrong there.
Ya Mon, I come here to rub your hooves.
Back on the beach, the ladies get foot massages. Tamra compliments the masseur on his nice teeth and says Vicki LOVES nice teeth, but if he didn’t have nice teeth, Vicki would buy him nice teeth. Then Tamra tells the guy that Vicki twerks. He asks Vicki to twerk and then offers to pay her to twerk.
Yeah, I’m sure he wanted to see THIS twerk.
Vicki ends up paying the guy to not twerk which is what he and all of us wanted all along.
Then Emily falls off the trampoline head first.
The girls go shopping for souvenirs. Kelly buys a penis lighter for Vicki and then tries to shove it up Shannon’s butt.
For when Steve the CCFL just can’t take another one for the team…
They then meet for dinner.
Can someone start a Go Fund Me to buy Vicki a mirror?
Vicki asks Gina what she enjoyed about the trip- Gina says the raft because she faced her fear of water. Kelly loved going to the beach.
I really loved not sharing a Villa with Shannon.
Emily loved the rope swing into the river.
My least favorite part was failing to get Shannon hauled off in a straight jacket.
Tamra says her fight with Shannon was the best thing that happened because now the can grow. Hahahahaha. Shut up, Tamra.
Tamra apologizes for saying “f*ck you” to Shannon. Tamra also wants Vicki to twerk and for Shannon and Gina to kiss.
Gina. Gina! Gina?
Vicki twerks and everyone in Jamaica collectively commits suicide.
Jamaican Jonestown in 3…2…1…
Then she makes everyone else twerk and Shannon just looks like she’s humping the railing of the deck. Good times.
Twerking of vomiting, not sure which.
Next week, Vicki has more plastic surgery.
Nurse, please apply pillow to face.
Emily and Turtle go to therapy- and Turtle looks REALLY happy to be there.
Such a supportive Turtle.
Gina tells Shannon all of the stuff Tamra has been saying about her and it gets back to Tamra
Will Tamra get a little of what’s coming to her?
and Tammy Sue ain’t happy.
Kelly auditions for Lil Abner.
Uh… what just happened? What do you think of Shannon’s trip to the isolation chamber? Do you think Tamra is pissed that Shannon is back in with the group? Do you think Tamra has knocker envy? Will Vicki ever buy an oufit that looks good on her? Will we ever give a crap about Emily? As always I need to know your thoughts!!! Thanks for hanging in this season- this show is circling the drain. xoxoxxoxo
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