Hey y’all, it’s time for part two of the RHOC Reunion, and I was expecting a full hour dedicated to Brooks’ cancer-gate, but halfway through we are still talking about Shannon shoving things up her bum. And why is that? Because this year the reunion is in THREE parts!! Of course it is. Next season will be four regular season episodes and 20 reunion episodes. Why not.
The episode begins with Andy’s favourite OMG moments from this season, since the reunion is basically a seventh grade talk show. Flashbacks highlight all of the ladies best moments involving penises, horrifying white girl dancing, belly button bleeding, and way too many enema conversations. Naturally it is vital to discuss Shannon’s enema, since we have only discussed it twelve times over the last few weeks. Let’s really make sure we get all up in it.
Pivotal conversations are had regarding the importance of an enema hours before wearing a white dress, the bloat factor of tangerines, and David’s husband duties to fish around Shannon’s ass hole. Andy just has to point out that if Shannon really wanted to get over the affair, she would be keeping things sexy and not asking David to root around in her ass. Classic Andy, if Shannon just keeps it sexy David won’t cheat; Shannon should obviously walk around with a tube stuck up her ass just to keep a man. #housewiveslogic.
Vicki is asked to define a circle jerk and for some reason Heather is the only lady who actually knows what it is. Girl has a backstory we have not yet discovered. Andy steps up the class factor and asks Heather about her mansion, since she really had limited storylines this season other than the whole “woe-is-me life is so tough when you only have 12 million to budget for toilet fixtures”. Andy highlights Heather’s latests accomplishments which are a sparkling wine, a skin care line, and a mansion. #alwaysrelatable.
Somehow we have turned Terry’s work ethic into a key plot line, and are going to discuss how difficult it must be to have a husband who works hard and brings home the gold encrusted bacon. Apparently viewers asked a lot of questions about the house, mainly to call out Heather on her whole pretending she isn’t loving the ridiculousness of the house. Girl is all this is Terry’s dream, but as the viewers point out, Terry is not dreaming of a salon and luggage room. Heather basically says if she has to put in the effort to design 14 bathrooms, she’s going to hang a few chandeliers made out of orphan’s tears, it’s only right.
Another viewer questions the cabinet budget, to which Heather says that everything is relative, meaning that the viewers double-wide is proportionately the same cost to the viewer as this muti-million dollar mansion is to Heather and Terry. Heather is not about to eat pop tarts when she can afford filet mignon for breakfast. Heather does not give Andy her current housing budget, because girl does not need the hate mail. Andy is an idiot and asks the women if they would want a house like this, thinking anyone would say no to a fucking mansion? Come on Andy. You would live in Heather’s luggage room if she would let you.
Another viewer suggests that perhaps they don’t need that 14th bathroom at the expense of Terry spending time with his children, and clearly this is not a longtime viewer, as Terry clearly has minimal interest in spending time with those demon spawn. Heather defends Terry’s work choices, mainly since they keep her in jewel encrusted limited edition Chanel bags, and Meghan jumps in to defend Terry also. Meghan suggests that there are a lot of parents working long hours, so don’t hate on Terry just because he makes piles of money doing the same thing. #hatersgonnahate.
Heather also wants some admiration for the fact that she and Terry are still married since people say that it is impossible for a marriage to survive reality television. Who are these people? And clearly the Bachelor franchise proves this false. Every sixteen seasons or so.
Because Andy is Andy he agrees with Heather and turns it to Vicki to remind us all her marriages have all failed, although I doubt it was the reality TV piece that truly ended any of them. I more focus on the being married to Vicki piece, but what do I know. Vicki agrees it is tough to have your marriage on television, but quickly turns it into a chance to throw another dig at Don and remind us all that she pays for him to play golf while she still works like a dog. Tamra jumps in to defend Don and the fact that he hasn’t used these opportunities to talk about Vicki in the media and make some more bank; and Vicki agrees that is one of the factors she is now looking into for her next husband – how he will behave in the media after they divorce. Don still wont communicate with Vicki, and of course it is partly due to Brooks. What relationship can’t Brooks ruin? Dude has skills.
Next viewer question is to remind Heather that her ugly ass tree sketch was ugly as shit, and she should not have been upset with Terry for not understanding the two eggs in the mother fucking nest were their frozen embryos. For fucks sake Heather, take it down a notch. You too Andy, now is not the time to try and purchase Heather’s Jewish doctor embryos.
Back from the break, the ladies are joined by World Series Champion Jim Edmonds, and dude is glad to have another opportunity to remind us that he is a big deal. Jim really had limited opportunities this season to remind us, poor guy. Andy pretends he watches baseball (good effort Andy) and awkwardly transitions into giving his condolences for LeAnn’s passing. Everyone then pretends being the husband of a housewife is just super hard, and Jim is not pleased that he is now being referred to as Meghan’s husband since that bitch is so obviously beneath him and his level of fame and talent.
Andy asks what has been the most difficult for Jim with the show, and Jim suggests it is that there is a portrayal of your actions that may not be how you see yourself, nicely parlayed into some clips of Jim being a dick. Jim makes a reference to being an athlete and being in a locker room that really makes no sense and is not relevant, but is another chance to remind us all he is Jim Fucking Edmonds. Shannon jumps in to suggest that any husband would have the same response to being part of the bullshit that is a RHOC episode, and Jim blames the intensity of filming for his dickish moments. Because it’s not like they signed up to be on a reality show or anything, how could they have known there would be cameras around?
Andy wants to know how Jim feels about coming off as such a condescending asshole this season, and Jim doesn’t love it, but his buddies in St Louis got a real good laugh out of his abusive comments, so it’s a win. Andy brings Heather into the convo, to remind us that Jim and Heather supposedly had a relationship before he was on the show, and Heather sticks with it to remind us all that Jim is just a super cool dude.
Andy brings up the two out of four months comment, and Vicki steps in to clarify that the comment Brooks overheard was a “few situations” which Vicki decided was the same as “two out of four months”. Basically the same thing Vicki. Vicki quasi apologizes in her typical Vicki way, but doesn’t really own up to her exaggeration.
Heather is having none of it and brings up a comment that Vicki made at the sex party in reference to Tamra’s custody situation that we were not previously shown, since it was not part of the original plot lines. Basically, Vicki was so grossed out by Tamra’s dildo wearing that she commented that she understood why Tamra’s kids wouldn’t want to be a part of Tamra’s life. #bestiesforlife.
Vicki again tries to side step her comments and not take ownership for being a nasty bitch to her “closest” friends. Heather is legit pissed, but misses an opportunity to bring up girl code. Come on Heather, I expect more from you.
Andy asks if Vicki stands behind her comments about Jim and Meghan’s marriage not lasting, and Vicki once again does her usual well not really but not totally going against it either. Shannon steps in to say it’s bullshit to comment on someone else’s marriage, and Jim suggests if Vicki had a penis he would have kicked her ass, but what can he do to a crazy hag like Vicki.
Andy asks Meghan if she signed a prenup and Meghan comes across way too rational about the money situation, much to the disappointment of Vicki and many viewers everywhere. When asked about if Jim would do anything differently, he suggests he would be more aware of what was going on and at least pretend to kiss Meghan’s ass more when the cameras are filming.
Bravo gives us a nice little scenic interlude to transition into Shannon’s affair talk. Did you hear, David had an affair? Flashbacks bring us back to the weeks of Shannon’s face in constant pinched position with tears a flowing. Shannon says she and David are in a really good place now, and Andy’s first question is from a viewer who calls Shannon selfish. Such sweet questions Andy.
The viewer wonders if Shannon just wanted to punish David, to which Shannon denies wanting to punish David but rather wanting to show the world that you can get through an affair, especially if you have a reality show to discuss it on. Heather says it’s cool if Shannon wanted to punish David too, because dude deserves it.
Another viewer wonders why David had the affair, and Shannon says it was due to her nagging and complaining, to which Heather and Tamra call bullshit. Cheating is not the answer to Shannon being a twat.
Cutesy clip of the week is a demonstration of Vicki’s intelligence, which should tell you how that goes. Andy thinks it would be fun to play a little “mammal or not” game since Vicki said that sharks were mammals and Andy likes to point out when people are idiots. Vicki gets most of them wrong, lucking into the few that are obvious, even suggesting that a horse is an “animal” not a mammal. Ending with the most obvious to us comment that perhaps she doesn’t know everything. Wow that was painful. #buykotoinsurance.
Back to the affair drama, and Shannon wants to let us know she is not making excuses for David, but Heather knows there is more important things to discuss, namely that the heat she got for sharing the affair information with other people was wildly unnecessary. Apparently after the much discussed Tamra and Heather lunch, Heather met up with a group of people which, unbeknownst to Heather, included David’s girlfriend, and a fun little texting train began, ending with Shannon blowing steam.
Shannon shares how humiliated she felt that everyone knew what was going on and that it was on a reality show, to which Heather says shame on those other fuckers, don’t be embarrassed. Andy brings it back to the negative with a viewer question suggesting that it was not cool to air the affair for the sake of the children. Shannon disagrees and suggests that it was a positive process for the children, so Andy brings up another viewer question suggesting that Shannon should not have been such an obvious bitch about the birthday dinner restaurant choice. Can’t let Shannon feel empowered for too long. But Meghan is down with the empowerment, and suggests that she thought it was great that Shannon’s kids felt comfortable enough to ask Shannon why she was being such a bitch on her birthday, because it says great things about their relationships.
Shannon reminds us that she didn’t tell the kids about the affair, they found out when trying to play candy crush on David’s phone, but nude pics of David’s girlfriend kept taking over the screen. Next viewer question is to call Shannon out that she is still bitter about the affair even though Shannon suggested that the affair will be the best thing that happened to them. Shannon says she isn’t totally there, but when she saw David’s girlfriend out recently, she didn’t stab her, so that’s progress. Andy then makes a funny, pretending he is going to bring out the girlfriend, and I am super disappointed he didn’t. That would have been such a treat!
Next up, it is time to bring out Briana and get to Brooks bashing. I can’t believe I had to watch so much reunion before we got to the Brooks shit. Andy starts by bringing up that he has been mispronouncing Briana’s name for ten years because he is an idiot. Andy clarifies the correct pronunciation and then immediately stops giving a fuck.
Andy brings up that Briana found out about Brooks moving in with Vicki via an internet clip on Thanksgiving Day, because that is what the pilgrims fought for. Tamra wants to get her nose in it, and asks why that video even exists and it turns out Vicki and Brooks did an interview. Classy Vicki. But it doesn’t matter so much anymore since Vicki and Brooks have broken up (again) and he has moved back out. Vicki whines about how it is the first week in her whole life that she has been alone, and instead of seeing it as the pathetic reality it is, Vicki comments that it is just how God made her. Don’t blame Jesus for that shit Vicki, come on.
Andy asks why Vicki and Brooks broke up, and Vicki basically says that Brooks dumped her ass and she would not have done that just yet because she was comfortable, even though they both knew they were not life mates. Vicki says she and Brooks had a few issues, none of which she articulates, except to blame Briana. More quality parenting.
Briana brings up how awkward it was when Brooks would do Brooks things and she would tell Vicki, but Vicki would always take Brooks’ side. Andy wants some concrete examples so he can judge them hardcore, and Briana brings up that Brooks hit on Briana while Briana was pregnant and it was at Vicki’s birthday party. That sounds like a very Brooks thing to do. But what made it even better was that Briana told Vicki, and not only did Vicki not believe her, but Vicki said to Briana that Brooks would never want Briana. #motheroftheyear.
Tamra steps in to defend Briana and shares that Briana called Tamra after the event and was so humiliated, and I feel bad for Briana that Tamra is the voice of reason in her life. How fucked up is that situation. During the whole conversation Vicki doesn’t really have any reaction or emotional response. Until Briana and Tamra suggest that Brooks had some kind of hold over Vicki, to which Vicki defends Brooks, even though they aren’t together (supposedly, we’ll see how long that lasts).
Andy asks Vicki if she believes what Briana is saying, and Vicki does her classic of course I believe my daughter. Never one to let it rest, Andy then asks why she didn’t immediately dump a man who would treat her daughter that way and Vicki has no good response except that she didn’t want to believe it was true, so she didn’t. Everyone else is confused, especially with the notion that Brooks would refer to himself as Girth Brooks, when everyone knows he is more Baby Gherkin Brooks.
Andy asks Vicki when she was last in contact with Brooks, and it was sooooooo long ago. Yesterday. Yeah they are totally over. But it was a busy day for Brooks as he was also in contact with Meghan and Briana, threatening to sue the bitches. Not to be outdone, Andy airs a clip of his interview with Brooks from several weeks ago, since Brooks may be an idiot, but he is not dumb enough to attend another reunion.
Brooks’ reasons for the latest breakup are all pointed at Briana and the ladies on the show. Andy suggests Briana is the voice of reason, and Brooks is all fuck that, everyone can see the amazing chemistry Vicki and I had, because clearly that is what families would comment on. Brooks denies that Vicki’s family hates him, and suggests that Briana is actually the one who wants to manipulate and take advantage of Vicki. In quality reality programming, we get to watch Briana’s live reactions to Brooks’ interview, and the sound crew must have made the big bucks going back over and bleeping out Briana’s expletives.
Andy is so obviously disgusted during his Brooks interview, and Brooks takes the chance to declare that Briana takes money from Vicki, which earns him a big ol double middle finger from Briana. Back at the reunion, Briana is heated. Briana lets the world know that she makes the big bucks as a nurse and that Oklahoma is a shit hole so her mortgage is hella cheap. Briana also brings up a phone conversation she had with her now deceased Nana about how vile Brooks was and how unnecessary it is for Brooks to discuss Vicki’s vagina with Vicki’s family. Briana is pissed that she is made out to be the only Brooks hater in her family when they have weekly meetings to discuss their hatred of Brooks, and all the other ladies are awkwardly unsure of what they should be doing during all of this.
And that is all for this week. What a cliffhanger. Next week, “the dramatic conclusion” where we FINALLY get to talking about Brooks’ cancer claims. Previews show Vicki perfecting her Vicki noncommittal positioning as she suggests she does not have enough proof to suggest Brooks does not have cancer, but she also does not have enough proof to suggest he does. WTF!? How do you not have enough proof that he DOES have cancer!? Seems pretty fucking easy to prove.
Also, Shannon grows some balls and brings a legit CT/PET Scan result; Heather finally gets a chance to bash the faux doctors Brooks was seeing (did you know Heather is married to a doctor?); Tamra finally has an opportunity to be on the moral high horse and she is gonna ride that mother fucker; Vicki is scared of Brooks and his girth; and Shannon has had e-fucking-nough of Vicki’s bullshit. Until then.
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