This week we start at Teresa’s where her children are using the railing as an express escalator and her dad is teaching the finer points of drying meat before cooking. Milania asks over dinner how long Nona has been gone and Teresa tells her a month. Milania has been having visions of her grandmother since she has been gone and its making her sad. Loss is hard kid and it never gets easier.
How long until I do not have to film like Gia
Siggy goes over to Dolores’ house to relax on incredibly ugly brown furniture so Siggy can give Dolores the rundown on what went down in the diner with Lady Marge. That’s all you Hot Cawfee!
She became human it was like she shed her zombie form and could feel emotions once again
Siggy tells her that Marge acknowledged that Siggy is emotional and she didn’t mean to insult her. So, she is going to make it point to understand that Siggy is sensitive and promises to be civil
But Dolores doesn’t trust her because…… oh right she didn’t call for the flower memorial. Siggy gives her reason not to because the next thing out of her mouth is telling Dolores that she did give Dolores a dig. She said that Siggy doesn’t need any more yes men because she already has Dolores and Teresa/Melissa agree. That’s not exactly what she said but the best way to keep someone on your team is to make sure that other people talk shit about you.
I don’t know why she thinks I am yes man, the only thing I always say yes to is sunless tanning
Dolores claims she doesn’t know Teresa would say that when she has put her reputation on the line time and time again defending her. So, Siggy of course has a suggestion, that they confront and hear Teresa out at her cocktail/sell people crap party she is having.
Once a year I host a fabulous party where my friends can hock their Lia Sophia crap jewelry and Miche Magnetic purses
OMG there is nothing I hate more than parties where people sell crap and I have to pretend to be interested. The expectation the Pampered Chef, that shit is great.
Joe and Melissa are playing a game of grabass waiting for Joe and Lady Marge to come over. When they arrive, Joe asks to hear more about their story on how they got together. He tells them how he thinks it happened, which sound suspiciously how many a porn flick starts out. Points to production for inserting the pornesque music. They head to the pool table room to play couples while Marge tells Melissa her side of the diner story. She says Siggy cried like five times but in the end, they made up. Melissa thinks that means that Siggy apologized. Silly girl Siggy doesn’t apologize because in her mind she never does anything wrong.
The real victim in all of this
But Marge still thinks crying over a cake is stupid because it is #FirstWorldProblems. UM Lady Marge verbalizing hashtags are kind of Boring Megan from RHOC thing. But does inform the party that Siggy is getting pellets in her butt so everything should be great with her hormones soon. Joe Gorga doesn’t understand why ladies need to be going through menopause.
At Siggy’s she is playing a game of Smotherin Motherin and trying to have a moment with her grown son. She is asking him questions about his college plans and his girlfriend. Apparently, he is spending the night at his girlfriend’s house and Siggy doesn’t understand why.
Siggy just wants her son to connect with her because she doesn’t judge and hopes he realizes that she is a cool mom.
But he’s a kid and dude one at that so when he fails to perform on demand she cries and he leaves the room uncomfortable not knowing what he did wrong.
At Teresa’s she is practicing spelling with the little one while she bangs the chair into the counter after being expressly asked not to.You spell sphere woman
When Melissa stops by with cupcakes to share. This scene is basically to show how “spirited” Teresa’s kids are and that she doesn’t discipline them, this is a replayed storyline from many seasons ago. Also, so Melissa can talk to Teresa about her brother buying a restaurant but surprise Teresa already knew oh and Gia too.
This is Melissa’s real shocked face
Melissa is upset that she was the last one to know because she knows after her years at working at the airport strip club owning this sort of businesses are an every day/night investment AND is nervous about doing business with family. But Teresa is all in and doesn’t understand why Melissa isn’t automatically supportive of Joe and whatever he wants to do.
I am of my husband and that turned out great
At Lady Marge’s home the ladies are hard at work when Marge Sr. let’s Lady Marge know her friend Bob is in town and gave her a call.
We have been sexting and we are going out to dinner next week
Lady Marge calls her mother an out of control party girl while giving us their backstory. Marge Sr. was married very young, had her at 20 and left her father by the time she was two. So, they raised each other. But admits her mother was not good with money so they were broke a lot and she attributes that to her drive.
The original Gilmore Girls
I loved that they show this photo of Marge Sr. stabbing a pumpkin
Lady Marge makes Marge Sr. promise no nude pictures, I am guessing because she pays her phone bill too. Lady Marge suggests that Marge Sr. find someone local and she is down if it’s someone who likes the sex because she isn’t afraid of trying new things. Just then Siggy calls to invite Lady Marge to her shitty jewelry and purse party but she can’t because she has her shoe show in Vegas.
At a place that isn’t Rails; Danielle, Teresa and Melissa meet for lunch. Danielle sparks the lunch conversation by asking if anyone has talked to Siggy or Dolores. Teresa admits that she hasn’t spoken to Dolores since Boca. Danielle allegedly has some shit on Dolores that she is itching to share with Teresa but hopes Dolores admits before she has to tell her
And you know me I never want to start DRAMA
Teresa also tells the ladies that she met with Siggy and she apologized for the things she said. This of course upsets Melissa because here is another person that received an apology and it was HER BIRTHDAY. Teresa talks about taking the girls to Puerto Rico soon since it’s been 3 years since they have been on vacay because… well you know. Teresa gets upset when Melissa tells her that she needs to put her foot down with her kids more because she is too nice and lets them walk all over her. This is not news to Teresa, but she doesn’t like being told what to do, EVER.
At what is soon to be Gorga’s – Homemade Pasta & Pizza Teresa arrives with and armful of photo albums to see the place. Melissa is late to the meeting to discuss the menu and apparently, this is what is considered a great conversation piece. As well as an opener because when she walks in they both jump up her ass. I love when they all act like cell phones and text messaging are not a thing. But Teresa admits that she is still pissed about Melissa saying her kids are unruly. Look Bitch, amongst many of the things kids and dogs have in common is that no one thinks they are as cute as their mother’s think they are. However, given their genetic tendency to be overly hairy you have done a great job as a parent to teach them about eyebrow shaping and the importance of waxing. Joe wants to see them both in the kitchen, Teresa is all about it and Melissa offers to hostess.
Really bitch, with all your waitressing experience
They bicker about who is going to just show up on Friday and Saturday night to get wasted and wander next door to Elegant Nails to demand free touch-ups.
Next up has to be one of the most contrived scenes this season. Dolores’ boyfriend “wants to sell his place to move closer to her” so Siggy who has an affinity for Wayfair rugs and giant urns full of fake flowers is coming by to help Dolores, curator of the museum of natural ugliness, to stage the home. I do not understand why a man who has children young enough to play with Legos and have stuffed animals, would potentially move further (I assume) from his kids for his girlfriend. The only thing of note in this scene is that when Siggy tell her about JoshUA being distant especially when it comes to discussing his girlfriend and Dolores who is now cementing herself as the worst advice giver ever assures her that it’s because he is all wrapped in his girlfriend and conflating leaving his mother with leaving his girlfriend.
He is all about his girlfriend’s cookie but let’s not forget he came out of my cookie
Um, gross maybe he doesn’t tell you things because you have no boundaries and go on national TV and say shit like this , so embarrassing. Also, Siggy stood on the dining room table in her street shoes.
I guess we are going to have to explain she is from Jersey?
Teresa and Milania play with slime when Juicy Joe just happens to email. Teresa reads over her shoulder and asks about something she said in the email and Milania doesn’t want to share. They grow up so fast. Teresa again tells us about Milania’s big heart, which she does at least once a season. That she doesn’t need more discipline just more love so when she offers her some Milania denies her and walks out of her room.
Over at Siggy’s she is getting ready for her big shitty retail/cocktail shindig by demonstrating salsa move to her sister-in-law in the kitchen. It’s amazing, truly because I have never seen anyone do those moves without actually moving their hips.
I love that Jodi is billed as Siggy’s friend in this episode
Siggy is like a kid who just snorted pixie sticks and is peeing all over herself welcoming people into the party. In a blink and you’ll miss it editing blip Siggy breaks the ends of the same bunch of flowers twice while telling Dolores everyone who is coming. She had her come early to show her off to all fuzzy out focus friends who will be rounding out the party.
Danielle is picking up Teresa for the party and bursting at the seams to tell her “The Secret.” Teresa eventually emerges in yet another fluffy light pink coat, which must have been all the rage last spring in Jersey.
You know me, I don’t like to insert myself into other people’s relationships……. BUT
As they ride to the party Danielle divulges to Teresa that Dolores came over so Frankie could get career advice from the latest flavor of the year she lives with Marty , and she said to her, “be careful of Teresa, you know she isn’t concerned about anyone or anything except money.”
Yeah that’s the face I made too
Teresa is pissed and shocked and it probably doesn’t help that they haven’t spoken since the fateful trip to Boca. Does she believe Danielle or not? Do you? Danielle to me is like this one lifelong friend I have who is a habitual liar, you always had to take what she said with a grain of salt and not get overly invested in what she said was the truth. However, what she is stating is a very Laurita/Manzo thing to say and I believe that Caroline did day something along those lines at some point. That Joe would have been happy with a simpler life but Teresa always wanted more and she believed that was when the scheming began.
Teresa is in disbelief because she is one of her real friends and doesn’t understand why she would say that and can’t wait to see her to ask why she would say that. Danielle tells her that good friends don’t talk like that and she would never say something like that at all.
At the party, Melissa enters alone with a gift for the hostess unaware she is about to be eaten alive. They oooh and ahh over some crappy handbags when Melissa mentions that they haven’t spoken since Boca. You can see the anger starting to build in Siggy as she tells Melissa how angry she was at her for throwing the cake. But Melissa points out that Siggy was relentless in her insults and again Siggy denies calling them animals. Thankfully production is there to remind us that yes it did happen. Siggy gets up on her pedestal about the cake throwing across the restaurant and what I find funny is that its’s Melissa she blames for the throwing WHEN IT ACTUALLY WAS TERESA. Yeah Melissa started it with her frosting swipe but the throwing was TERESA but she can’t get mad at Teresa so Melissa is the next best thing.
OMFG THIS GD CAKE AGAIN
Siggy then slams down the bottle of champagne Melissa brought knocking over the shitty handbags in the process and demands silence at the party.
IF I HAVE A CAKE MADE FOR YOU FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY AND IT’S THREE TIERS AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL HOW MANY OF YOU THINK THIS IS RUDE RAISE YOUR HANDS
And here Siggy was concerned about being crucified at Lady Marge’s party. You know who seems OK with all this though Dolores because she gets that Melissa is humiliated and is all smiles.
Thats my Siggy
Then the overly dramatic Siggy does something I don’t even know how to describe except being completely over dramatic and fueled by the deep satisfaction in someone else’s embarrassment.
I mean really….
Melissa walks away and finally Teresa and Danielle arrive. Melissa tells them about the drama they just avoided over the cake and Teresa laughs. But says what we all think and know to be true. Better Melissa thanTeresa because she would have mauled her ass.
The Not-So-Dynamic Duo materializes and Teresa asks if there is somewhere they can talk because she can’t have anyone do that her sister-in-law. The one positive thing about Teresa in all her improvements is that she is far less passive aggressive in her confrontations. As soon as they get in the dining room she asks Siggy why she was laying on the ground trying to put on a show about the cake thing, Siggy AGAIN feels like she has to explain her side and Teresa points out that the throwing didn’t happen until after they had eaten the cake, then Siggy started hurling insults AND why Dolores did you just stand by and let her say those things. Dolores for the first time ever stumbles over her words and basically says she didn’t stop Siggy from being vicious because, because…. Siggy was upset.
Dolores uses her reputation of loyalty and honestly as a free pass to not have to get involved with the shit that happened OR confront Siggy about her bratty behavior. Siggy for once is silent. Dolores says she would never let anyone talk badly about Teresa and Danielle uses that as an opening to insert her 2 cents. She repeats what Dolores “allegedly” said to her about Teresa and Dolores leap from her chair and stick her finger in her face screaming that she’s a liar.
Welcome back scumbag
Hmm the lady doth protest too much. Also, the getting in Danielle’s face is aggressive. She calls Danielle a starving hungry bitch and asks Teresa if she thinks she is really coming around to be her friend given everything that has happened in the past. For a minute, Teresa really looks like she is questioning all that herself. But in a step too far Dolores makes it a point to tell Teresa that Danielle is crazy and sleep with one eye open. Teresa is confused and not sure what to think and Dolores is getting nasty. Dolores seems to be trying a little too hard to discredit Danielle.
Teresa goes out comfort Danielle, explaining that she came here with her and Siggy and Dolores seem legitimately shocked that she is doing so. Dolores tells her to be careful then tells Siggy that Danielle isn’t here to skip and hold hands she’s back for revenge. Danielle is all waterworks but is calm enough to communicate that she wants to leave and Teresa and Melissa decide to leave too. As they say their goodbye’s the Not-So-Dynamic Duo are actually stunned by this departure. Melissa who has never been a favorite of mine does say something spot on in her talking head, that she can’t believe how dismissive Dolores and Siggy are of Danielle’s tears because when Siggy cries the whole world must stop.
Next time, Gorga’s Pasta and Pizza officially opens with drama. Gia gives her mom the business on her shitty parenting and Siggy freaks out on Lady Marge for making fun of her, AGAIN.
So, what did you all think? Do you think Danielle is telling the truth? Dolores is telling the truth? Or does the truth lie somewhere in the middle? What’s up Siggy’s butt besides pellets because homegirl is straight crazy. And why is Melissa coming off so likeable this season? Is that just me? Let me know in the comments below. Love ya!