Confession: I caved in to my husband and binge-watched the rest of the episodes last weekend, you guys. I’m so disappointed in myself because I didn’t want to watch ahead of my recaps, because I can guess what’s going to happen and you can laugh when I’m wrong about shit, but I know the ending now and it is sooooo bad, you guys. I can’t. Starting with this episode, any bits of good writing that we had seen previously begin to get sucked down the toilet, and by the very end, you can pretty much disregard the first nine episodes completely, because they just make a bunch of crazy shit up out of nowhere. I can’t believe I used to have a glimmer of respect for this show after everything I saw in the final episode. It should be funny, but I’m bitter, so:
We open with a super slutty sex dream scene involving Jos, SfW, and PJ. Jos wakes up on SfW’s couch, so I’m assuming they’re only boning in her nightmares. Fast forward to later that morning at church, where I’m having a hard time believing Hellboy has no idea who his wife’s weed dealer is—I mean, she was in his kitchen last ep. Sister Mary Persuasion is greeting everyone in her awful slutty church shoes, and the Rev is talking up the dude in charge of HoG’s social media.
Can’t wait till this guy gives his two weeks notice and tweets a picture of a crucifix penetrating a vagina.
Because KD is free to roam the streets after finishing up his prison storyline a couple of episodes ago, he and Hellboy have a Solomon & Banana meeting in their basement clubhouse. KD has been stalking SfW on Hellboy’s orders, but HB is freaking out about him using his cell phone. He gives very explicit instructions not to use it anymore, so you know this shit is going to bite them in the ass later on.
It seems somewhat unlikely that KD would be able to follow simple instructions irl, but whatever.
HB also says he wants KD at PJ’s bedside when he wakes up, and I just physically shuddered, you guys. Next scene, Jos spouts a lot of boring and crappily written exposition about how HB is still fighting to keep PJ on life support. In a totally unbelievable move, she refuses to fork over the only evidence that they have proving that it was truly a suicide: his note. Smdh, you guys. Also exposition and also unbelievable, Jos just can’t decide which poem to read at PJ’s service at the library tonight. May I suggest “The Cloths of Heaven”?
SfW and I are checking twitter rn.
Erykah Badu has managed to get a copy of HB and Tessie’s marriage certificate. She gets Garth stoned before she shows her, natch. Garth calls HB a bigamist, lmao. She says she’s going to kill him with a knife to the neck, and I hate to break it to you, but that doesn’t happen. EB asks her if she has any idea what could’ve made HB do something like this, and Garth says she has no idea. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I’m not exactly sure what this fucking show is supposed to be about, but I always thought it had something to do with one man’s religious lunacy, idk. PS today they’re smoking at the only place wtf-ier than an Ikea parking lot. The HoG location scout must’ve creamed their pants when they stumbled across this place.
Kill your darlings, dude, this is supposed to be the same trashy town that Bubbles wants Crook$ to gentrify.
SfW walks in on HB having a vision of doves in PJ’s hospital room. They shake their dicks at each other for a minute and then Skyler reveals that he put the Ea$twood Apartment$ place in his name so PJ could use it to bang his side piece without anyone knowing. This is supposed to be knock-your-socks-off SHOCKING, but upon first viewing I just assumed he was lying his ass off. WRONG! Welp, you know what they say, you guys: the apple don’t fall far from the tree; like father, like son; etc. Hellboy’s entitled ass runs out to try KD on the hospital’s emergency phone, but you can probably guess how that goes.
If any of you sick fucks are looking for love in the Aryan Nation, just mash like twenty numbers on your phone; that’s KD’s number.
Bubbles took a shit today, you guys. Garth confronts him about not telling her HB married a literal ho, and he explains that he only did it for the sake of the concrete pour. At least his actions are consistent. Oh, and PS somebody is trying to blackmail HB with this shit, and Garth is actually worried about his reputation. Bubbles says something about the Bubbles Business Model, and tells Garth not to worry herself with this shit.
“You take care of you, I’ll take care of the concrete pour.”
Hellboy is hurting his KD phone karma by ignoring Bubbles’ calls. Skyler won’t pick up either, d’oh. (The best thing about this episode is getting to hear everybody’s voicemail greetings, btw.) Meanwhile, the Bishop and his wife are back at HoG telling the Rev and SMP how to set up for whatever channel still broadcasts Born Again crap (I’m sheltered, you guys). The Bishop reminds the Rev that sex sells, so he should keep up his shirtless Soap Star hotness, while his wife tells SMP she looks fat. Welcome to Hollywood, fuckers! They might also want to paint that totally eighties podium, just so none of the cameramen trip on it.
If you can spot the podium in this screencap, I will respond with $7 in the comments.
There’s a wife-meets-other-woman scene and it’s as bad as you’d imagine. Garth has some zingers and Tessie is wearing another white dress, but I would just rather these two not.
Unless they’re going to clobber each other with those snifters, or throw wine at each other or something.
The only important thing to come out of their conversation is that Garth mistakenly thinks Tessie is the one who’s trying to blackmail Hellboy. Cut to her brother (his name is Khalil, because the writers are white) at a bus stop. HAHAHAHA okay, they didn’t make him a pimp, they made him a genius. I stand corrected. Also, lol @ Tessie complaining to her brother about HB’s bunk ass wedding. Asa is the person in charge of the $ drop-off and he tries to Talk Some Sense into K, but he grabs the money and hops on the next bus out of there, because he already has more than enough sense for everybody on this show. Later, he’s walking down the street when a SWAT team swarms up and frisks his ass. He’s shitting his pants because SOMEONE planted drugs in the money bag and they’re going to take him to jail. PSYCH! This is all an elaborate hoax concocted by Bubbles in an effort to Scare Khalil Straight, using your tax dollars. He reminds K to be cool, stay in school, and leave the poor little old criminals who buy and sell this town alone.
That’s why you always leave a note!
Dinner at the OSF with The Rev and friends: The Bishop is going to put their asses on tv every week, you guys, yay!!! The Bishop’s wife gives them the ominous warning not to bring shame on them because the last guy they hired for this slot had lace peeking out of his track shorts or something. They’re really picky, and even though they know SMP is knocked up, God will look the other way if they hurry up and get married while people can still fudge the conception date. The Rev gets down on one knee and proposes right then and there. Jk, he’s fucking livid, and SMP says they’re “weighing their options” rn. LOL!
Pretty sure choices are not in the bible, but you do you, bb.
Jos is at that poetry reading and she’s decided to read the terrible no good very bad note that PJ left her, which is just crappy university student prose from a vapid, over-monied brat with daddy issues. Praying she’ll at least share it with the police now, for her own sake.
For whatever reason, Hellboy totally and completely believes everything SfW said about PJ earlier and spends a good amount of this episode in Skyler’s apartment, drinking the man’s booze and generally creeping him out with his insane Born Again theories. HB says Jos is playing god by trying to unplug PJ, and SfW and I both say “that’s rich” out loud. Even if he were guilty at this point, you’d probably end up being on Skyler’s side during this scene, HB is such a fucking tyrant. At one point, Skyler tries to gtfo but HB ties him to a chair and keeps talking. He eventually passes out drunk on the couch and SfW escapes, lmao. Unfortch, KD is lurking outside and murders his ass in the parking garage. Jfc, do you realize what this means?!
He never even got to bone Jos, so sad!!!
Aw, Hellboy and KD are real remorseful because Born Again, and then it’s over. Can’t wait to recap the next one, it’s fucking bananas, you guys. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far! x
PS Look how sexy this recap looks on the new site, omg!!!
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