Last week, Vicki expected to receive a hug and an apology from Tamra. She was wrong.
Tamra to Vicki
You will have to forgive MisRed, she is particularly venomous today. Lucky you.
Piggy and Dicko dropped a quarter of a mill on their 22nd Anniversary Party. Boy Gia tried to blackmail Piggy in order to broker peace between Vicki and Tamra. Vicki hit on Boy Gia.
So…can I buy you a new set of teeth?
Dicko apologized to Shannon telling Piggy about David questioning him about her cancer… which confused MisRed and irritated Shannon to no end…
Lydia tells Dough she talked to The Godfather of Iceland, a man named Frederik, and he is the one man on earth interested in Nobleman Magazine. Don Frederik offered to have Dough and Lydia and their spawn to Iceland for a trip. Dough suggested Lydia take the girls to Iceland instead. I think his exact words were “Yes, let those lecherous vessels of human waste spoil the untouched glory of beautiful Iceland. Bwahahahahahaha.” Or maybe that’s just what MisRed was thinking. Eh, I can’t be bothered to rewind.
Lydia plans to take the women and keep them so busy that they won’t have time to fight. Oh Lydia. You are so adorable. Dough reminds her that they will, sort of, be representing Nobleman Magazine… OH!!!!! Ok, now I get it! Dough is deliberately trying to run Nobleman into the ground, got it. Is there some kind of tax credit for this type of thing? Anyone know?
Lydia asks, “Am I an idiot?” Is that rhetorical?
The answer is yes.
Over at Piggy and Dicko’s, they are going through old clothes and one of the Gias notes that they were “bougie,” of course Piggy has no clue what that means. This is a stupid scene.
Tamra calls Shannon to review the David asking Dicko about Piggy’s Cancer situation. Shannon is super riled up, and Tamra thinks she should just let it go. Tamra thinks Shannon gets upset over the littlest things. Well, yes. That is why Shannon Beador is a National Treasure. Tamra feels like walks on eggshells around Shannon. Tamra offers he some decent advice “Just don’t give it any life, if they have a problem, they should talk to David about it.”
Shannon responds “You know what Tamra, I’m getting irritated by this. You say, ‘don’t give it any life’ then stop talking about it.”
Tamra is like- I’m talking TO YOU about it.
Shannon says, “I just told you what David said so there is nothing else to discuss.”
Tamra doesn’t understand why Shannon is getting so mad and is flipping this around on her. To which Shannon replies “Because you keep talking about it.” Bahahahahaahahaha Oh Shannon….
Tamra is like- ok, done, I won’t say anything else. They hang up and Tamra throws her phone across the bed with a hearty “F*ck You!” Too bad Shannon didn’t hear that- there simply aren’t enough things for Shannon to be upset about right now. Has anyone checked the color of the sky? No? Ok. We might want to do that before moving any further along.
For F*ckssake, can someone take away Tamra’s Hobby Lobby credit card- she has the most eye-roll-worthy taste in decorating. All of the stupid pillows with sentimental crap written on them. Ugh. I can’t. I’m going to need Tamra’s address, I’m sending my gay over there for an intervention.
Does the Doctor accept Kohl’s cash?
Vicki clod-hopps into Comprehensive Cardiac Care of Beverly Hills- which looks like it’s located in the back alley behind a Kohl’s. Vicki knows that all of the situations in her life have caused her stress. OH MY GOD! It’s not even MisRed’s birthday- the producers give me the glorious gift of Vicki’s All-time Greatest Hits. It’s almost like a K-tel offering. We get Little Family Van, I didn’t have Sex with Multiple Partners and many, many more.
Yours for only $24.99, plus shipping and handling
Vicki asks the nurse if she can “detect a broken heart.” Oh, puhleeze Vicki- MisRed can’t take this broken heart crap. Vicki says “I am adamant about trying to figure out how to fix these problems with Tamra and Shannon. I don’t want to die of a stroke because they don’t want to be my friend.”
MisRed is no Siggy Flicker but here is my advice Vicki
- Stop being an asshole
- Take responsibility for the role you have played in the situation at hand
- Offer a sincere, non-conditional, apology. (It’s their choice whether or not to offer the same to you)
- Wear Spanx (I mean, that’s not something for Shannon and Tamra, but for ME. )
- Stop playing the victim
Oh wait, K-tel has given us a bonus, included in the price, we get “Mahhhhhhhhhhhammmmmmmmmmmm.”
Vicki wants to avoid putting Michael and Briana through the same situation- you know, having Shannon and Tamra kill their Mom in a game of full-contact-grenade-sniper BUNCO.
No, I can’t fix your face, I’m a heart doctor.
Vicki talks to the Dr., and he doesn’t like some of the results. I mean, yeah, you probably saw Vicki without her clothes on, it’s not a shock that the Doctor would be disgruntled. The doctor thinks Vicki could have a blockage and that the upper chamber of her heart might be enlarged.
MisRed’s Doctor would be like “I’m sorry, MisRed, we looked and looked for a heart, but all we found were these 3 charcoal briquettes.”
Vicki tells the Doctor that her life is high-stress. But she needs to stay healthy for her kids because if she isn’t there, she will leave a BIG VOID. Well, it could appear smaller if you’d just put on a compression garment, Vicki.
Over at Meghan’s, she is talking to “Mystic Michaela” (sounds super-legit, btw) about her candle and soap line. It’s called “The King Collection.” Mystic Michaela thinks it “really going to take off and be trending.”
Things trend down as well…
Nice to see Meghan is setting up her post-divorce life from Jim, by having a business in her maiden name.
I see a divorce…
Meghan tells us she relies on Mystic Michaela for EVERYTHING. For example, Mystic Michaela informed Meghan that Lavender is a very calming scent. And in other news: Water is wet. Seriously, is there anyone on this planet that didn’t know that Lavender is a calming scent?
Meghan, clearly, didn’t consult Mystic Michaela her on her shirt either.
It’s from the Tori Spelling Makes Your Tits Unattractive Collection
Anyway, the girls are coming over to Meghan’s and Meghan hopes Mystic Michaela can “help” them as well.
Piggy is the first to show and Meghan offers for the Mystic to read Piggy’s aura. Piggy says she isn’t interested.
Piggy’s Aura: Half Black, Half White
Her “psychic is god.” She explains “Whatever is written on your forehead, that’s what’s going to happen.”
Tamra shows up and meets the Mystic, and then Shannon arrives. For the love of god, does Shannon own another pair of pants?
Thomas Ravenel eat your heart out…
My moose knuckle brings all the boys to the yard…
Piggy is still upset that Shannon and David are questioning her cancer, but knows this isn’t the time or the place to try to clear that up. Yeah, let it fester, that’s what MisRed always says.
They ask on the whereabouts of Vicki and Meghan explains that Vicki is having “some heart problems” haha, Vicki is already playing the violins for sympathy. Plus, Meghan says “Vicki is afraid of the psychic.”
The Mystic says that Shannon’s Aura is posiive. Yeah, positively INSANE.
Positive? Who me?
And Tamra’s aura is very balanced.
Even Tamra knows Mystic Michaela is full of sh*t
Did anyone check this psychic’s credentials? Did she go to the same school as Dionne Warwick?
Vicki goes over to Kelly’s house and Kelly promptly whips her juggs out.
See Vicki, you need this, but like, for your entire body. Including your mouth.
Vicki talks to Kelly about the fact that she’s dying of heart failure… she is going to surround herself with “good, positive people.” Good luck on this show. And she is going to “stop working so much and just going to whoop it up.”
Vicki thinks that psychics are quacks. And Kelly is scared of them. Vicki thinks they can just say anything they want and people believe it. We get a flashback of the psychic saying that Brooks was faking cancer. Well, except, in that case, the “quack” hit the nail on the head. Vicki says she spoke to her “Pasture” about it and he told her not to even go in the same room as the psychic. Vicki says that “it’s not biblical” therefore she doesn’t believe in it.
Oooooh, let’s google some “Biblical” stuff for Vicki. On spreading rumors and gossip that a friend’s husband is gay: Scripture warns against spreading rumors and those who engage in gossip. Proverbs 20:19 says, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.” Words are powerful. They can build up or destroy (Proverbs 18:21). James 3:2–12 instructs us to control our words, stating in verse 5: “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” Spreading “harmless” rumors, then, can cause great destruction. God desires that we use our words to praise Him (Psalm 34:1), to speak wisdom (Proverbs 10:13), and to encourage and edify each other (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Ephesians 4:29).
My search history is a psychiatrist’s wet dream.
“No, I swear, it was research for TrashTalkTV!” –MisRed to the psychiatrist.
Vicki thinks that the girls will ask the psychic if Vicki was faking her illness.
Kelly questions how Vicki is doing with her “Hepatitis B.” Vicki corrects her that it was NOT Hepatitis, but Influenza B. And Kelly says “Oh, I knew it had some kind of letter behind it.” Geniuses. These two don’t have two brain cells to rub together.
I love how Vicki thinks the other girls actually care enough about her to ask the psychic if she was faking THE FLU.
Over at Meghan’s, the girls have dinner. Meghan had the dinner catered by “Chef David” because she can’t cook. David. David? David! How dare someone try to steal David’s name. Shannon is having 30 to 40 negative thoughts about Chef David.
Chef David serves salad in a paper bag. And Meghan questions how to eat it.
“Do you need a special O’Toole? No? Okay.”
Shannon just straps hers on like a feedbag.
Nom Nom Nom
There is a knock at the door and Lydia shows up. Lydia doesn’t like psychics and doesn’t even want to be around psychics. MisRed finds it super-interesting that all of these bible-thumpers are afraid of psychics. MisRed will need to do more research. Stay tuned.
Ok, MisRed is back. So I read 1/10th of exactly ONE article about why “Super Christians” avoid psychics, so MisRed is fully confident in her findings. I’m sure there are other reasons, but the one thing that caught my eye is that these “devout Christians” think psychics are fake and are just out to make a quick buck. As opposed to…
Lydia brings up the Iceland trip. All of the girls are in, and REALLY seem excited.
Piggy doesn’t know where Iceland is. Seriously, ask any of these hags to pick out Iceland on a map and MisRed bets only 1 would be able to correctly identify the country. Lydia wants to invite Kelly and Vicki- she has hopes that they can all have a good time. Lydia calls Vicki and Kelly to ask them to go on the trip- Kelly is excited. She thinks they are going to a skating rink.
Vicki is not. She doesn’t want to go to Iceland with the girls, mainly because they all hate her. Haha. Not everyone Vicki, just like half of the people going think you are a slime ball. Which is better odds than the general population- if MisRed was you she would take her wins where she can get them.
Kelly tells Vicki that she will be by her side and she won’t “leave you alone like I was left alone in Ireland.”
Back at Meghan’s house, the girls talk about Iceland and they ask Piggy if she is in? Piggy, downshifts that black and white cookie car that is her gut- and says that something is bothering her and she is going to lay it on the table. The girls are like “Oh no…”
Apparently, since the anniversary party, Piggy has texted and called Shannon and Shannon won’t return her messages. Piggy asks Shannon if everything is okay?
Shannon states that she is still perplexed as to what happened at the anniversary party. She states that she talked to David and asked him if he grilled Dicko in any way? Shannon says that David was asking questions out of kindness. Shannon says, “David has no ill will, whatsoever.” Yeah, well not toward anyone but Shannon, she means.
Then Piggy does the thing I love the most… she says, “Are you done?” bahaha. That kind of sh*t makes Shannon’s head fly off. And sho enough Shannon asks her what kind of pot are you trying to stir here?
Piggy is like- we are not in the kitchen. What is this pot you speak of?
(MisRed hallucination- sorry)
Piggy’s actual response: My feeling pot.
This is why hallucinations are sometimes better than reality.
Shannon says that Piggy wasn’t there so she doesn’t know what was said. Then Piggy commits the cardinal sin: “Do you trust your husband? Has he ever lied about anything else?”
The other ladies have to pick their jaws up off the floor.
Oh no she didn’t…
Hang on, MisRed is going to need another cup of coffee for what is coming up…
Shannon tells Piggy “do not go there.”
Piggy says, “I know nothing.” Well that is the understatement of the year.
Shannon says “Yes, you do. Do not go there.”
Piggy says I asked you a question “Are you done? And Do you trust your husband?”
Technically, Piggs, that was TWO questions, but MisRed isn’t keeping score on this particular argument, mostly because MisRed doesn’t care.
Shannon says “Right now, do I trust my husband? Yes, I do.”
Piggy says “Good. God Bless his soul.” Is that Armenian for “Bless your heart?”
Piggy wants to have her say- but Shannon keeps interrupting. So, Lydia tells Shannon to let Piggy speak and do not “mad dog” me. Shannon says she isn’t trying to “mad dog “anyone, but her hot button is when people try to say she did something that she didn’t do. Lydia explains that HER hot button is when you (Shannon) “get like this.”
Ok, next there is an exchange that’s basically like- Piggy wasn’t there and Shannon wasn’t there so neither knows the whole story. Then Piggy says that the important thing here is not Shannon’s feelings or David’s feelings, but the fact that she is “lucky not to be going through chemo right now. Let’s talk about that.”
With that Shannon gets up from the table and leaves the room. Tamra follows her and says “Don’t let this upset you. I don’t know where she is going with this. She has not said David said anything.” Shannon replies that David was probably trying to help. He probably tried to offer good cancer doctors. Tamra questions “Did David offer a cancer doctor?”
MisRed can’t believe she is dictating this line by line.
Shannon replies “Yeah. He probably did.” Hmmmmm. Interesting.
Lydia and Piggy decide to leave. Lydia goes to the closed door, behind which, Shannon and Tamra are hiding. They come out and Shannon tells Lydia that David was trying to recommend a good cancer doctor.
Do we know that was his intention or is Shannon trying to create a reality here?
Shannon and Piggy go off to talk privately. Nothing gets resolved. I haven’t even watched the scene yet and I can tell you that.
Ok, so Shannon says that she has been “nothing but there” for Piggy, supporting her. Piggy feels like she’s had a slap in the face. She came into this group of women for support, but she’s not getting it from Shannon. She breaks down in tears and leaves.
Then we hear “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG…” and Tamra is like “oh sh*t.”
Shannon says that she is tired of being made the asshole. Tamra says “Then stop acting like one- you know your truth!”
OMG, can MisRed just for a second- discuss this “Your Truth” Business. There are no VERSIONS of the truth. The truth is the truth. There is no such thing as “my truth” or “your truth,” there is only THE TRUTH. I blame f*cking Oprah for this bullsh*t.
Shannon goes on to say that nobody had her back- it was just her vs Piggy. Um… you two dumb f*cks weren’t even privy to the actual convo about which you are arguing. How do you expect anyone to take sides???
Tama says that she did stick up for Shannon. But that no one would let Piggy talk.
In the car, Piggy is, like, practically incapacitated and Lydia hugs her. Personally, MisRed thinks what’s so upsetting to Piggy is that the vehicle they are riding in is only one color. Lydia wants to be there for Piggy, and Lydia really doesn’t understand Shannon.
Back inside Shannon is going on and on about how everyone tries to “paint” her “to be the crazy” and she is tired of it. Well… my advice to you, Shannon is, stop acting crazy.
Tamra feels that Shannon’s life has spiraled out of control since she found out about David’s affair. Tamra tells Shannon that she shouldn’t let herself get all riled up about every little thing. Shannon says she doesn’t like to be accused of things and Meghan is like “You weren’t.” Shannon argues that David was accused and she can’t take it. Tamra tells her that she should have just told Dicko and Piggy to talk to David about the conversation.
Then Meghan is like “If that baby wakes up, I’m going to kill you both.” Shut-up Meghan.
In the car Piggy says that it’s impossible to have a conversation with Shannon. Lydia wants to uninvite Shannon to Iceland.
The next day or some other day- Shannon arrives that Tamra’s house. I think the real victim in all of this is these god damn white pants that Shannon tortures incessantly.
Tamra tells Shannon that Sydney texted her and invited her to her graduation. Tamra is ecstatic.
Mother of the year
Tamra interviews that she knew if she “gave it up to God that Sydney would come back to her in her own time.” Yeah, well Tamra may want to check her watch because it seems like the Tamra / Sydney sitch is still a shit show.
She and Shannon discuss how God’s plan works and that sometimes you have to go through s*t to get to the other side. Tamra is a regular Andy Dufresne.
Shannon says that she is freaking out because she’s in such a detached place with David. She thought she was over the affair but she isn’t.
She says she is sad and lonely and that feeling is coming out in other ways. She is lashing out. Tamra went through the same thing.
Cyst and Decease, BETCH!
Oooh we get a delicious flashback of the scene AFTER the scene where Tamra gave Jeana the “cyst and decease” letter and threw the drink in Jeana’s face…. The one where Jeana’s Gay in the Chunky Hoodie threw a glass at Tamra!
Take that, Betch!!
Oh! The good old days!!!
Shannon can’t let her relationship be the sole thing that makes her happy. She knows she needs to focus on other things. Tamra suggest that maybe some time away from David might be good for them…. They decide to go to Iceland and ruin those people’s lives.
Oh good, we get a packing montage. Vicky, of course, doesn’t know what to pack, but more importantly she wants to know if there is a place for her to “Whoop it up?” Yes, Andale’s has an Iceland branch called “Rjeksaoreuarejlka.” (see that’s the key to the Icelandic language- just string a bunch of consonants together and toss in 1 vowel and good luck)
Over at Shannon’s she asks David how she can fit everything into her suitcases. And then says that she barely fits into anything. David just keeps shoving popcorn into his pie hole. Bitches, you need ONE COAT. ONE. WTF?
Zip it up and toss it off the pier, please.
Dicko wants to go to Iceland, so Piggy tries to pack him in a suitcase. She’s never been away on a girl’s trip and doesn’t know what she will do without Dicko to carry her “luggages.” Piggy is excited to go to Iceland but not to be with Shannon. This is the conversation.
Gia: Mom, do you have beef with Shannon?
BoyGia: Beef? What does that mean?
Where’s the beef?
Piggy: Shannon doesn’t like me.
OtherGia: Mom’s gonna throw beef at Shannon.
Piggy: No, Shannon threw beef at the other girl.
BoyGia: Oh, real beef?
Piggy: Not filet, it was rib eye.
This family needs to be deported.
Mom, can I wear you as a muffler in Iceland?
The girls arrive at the airport. Oh WTF- Meghan is bringing the baby on this trip?!?!!? My god.
Uh…does everybody know she’s coming?
Ok, well I guess I get it, kind of. Certainly, Jim isn’t going to take care of the kid. And I suppose Meghan is still breastfeeding… Meghan shouldn’t have come on the trip, frankly. There aren’t any O’Tooles in Iceland.
Awww, Aspen has a little helmet.
That stinks, but hopefully it will be shortlived. Jimmy will probably make her play hockey. I’m surprised Meghan hasn’t made this a “journey” like her getting IVF.
Kelly spills champs all over Vicki before the plane takes off. Serves Vicki right for… well, take our pick.
Next week, Shannon hauls her ass around Iceland.
And then this:
These bitches just get worse every week. And next week they are going to defile the beautiful country of Iceland. I think they even stay at one of the hotels MisRed stayed in… thank god, I got there first. They probably had to burn the place after Vicki was there. So what are your thoughts on this disaster?
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