Previously, Gina and Emily are upset because Shannon finds them as boring as we do. Vicki has reached new levels of desperation in her relationship with Steve. Tamra is a martyr for putting up with all of Shannon’s neurosis. Kelly thinks The Turtle is a dork.
Okay, let’s start off by saying, I just watched the episode and it was a drag. I don’t even want to recap it. Let me Reader’s Digest it for you: They go to Jamaica. Everyone is hot. Shannon is miserable. Vicki is melting faster than The Wicked Witch in a rain storm and Tamra has switched in to bitch-mode-warp speed.
But MisRed will do what she is contractually obligated to do…recap dis bitch.
The producers have gone back to the well with an, oh so fresh, packing montage. And for the 36th time, there’s a kid in a suitcase.
Here, let me zip this up and scar you for life.
This time it’s Gina’s kid… and she threatens to zip up the suitcase if the rugrat doesn’t stop crying. Yeah, that shouldn’t give the kid nightmares or anything.
Too bad we didn’t get to see Emily doing the same to The Turtle. Surely, he would fit in a regulation carry-on.
Kelly packs and finally comes to the realization she has “hooker clothes.” Maybe she should stop shopping at Abercrombie & Skank.
Vicki calls Linda to check and see if there is anything she needs to take care of at the office before she leaves for Jamaica. Linda is like- No, but you have fun in the tropics while we are all stuck here working. Any normal boss would have been like- Ha Ha, yeah sucks to be you. But not Vicki.
She takes it as a personal attack saying “Okayyy. You get paid to work.” Linda lays it on thick, God bless her.
Coto Insurance when Vicki is out of the office.
And you know when Vicki is away, the office has a party. Linda brings in some kegs, a nacho bar, probably some low-rent Chippendales, while Michael sleeps with his feet up on the desk dreaming of a world where his mother is eaten by a shark in Jamaica.
Be grateful, Linda.
This bitch. You’ve been on my screen for 10 seconds and I already want to punch your mangled rubber face REPEATEDLY, Vicki. Thankfully, Vicki’s plastic surgeon seems to be doing an adequate job of turning Vicki into the Elephant Man, so thank you for saving MisRed the trouble.
Speaking of Vicki’s plastic surgeon, can we expect a Podcast about him or her in the same vein as Dr. Death? I mean, what this doctor has done to Vicki’s face is criminal.
Man! MisRed is FULL OF Vicki venom this morning.
Tamra and Shannon consult on what Shannon is packing- but Shannon hasn’t been shopping yet because she’s fat. Great. Good to see Shannon is excited for their getaway. Tamra’s response to Shannon’s weight complaints: “Stop eating.”
Tamra is always a source of encouragement.
Tamra, of course, is packing 7 trucker hats, 3 tote bags with stupid beach puns and some shirts she got on the boardwalk in 1979. Ryan is present in this scene for some reason.
Why is Ryan here?
Perhaps it’s an appetite suppressant? PSA to promote safe sex?
Everyone gets to the airport at 4:11am and complains about how early it is. Yeah, well, MisRed gets up at 3am to watch you hags get to the airport at 4:11am, so you will get no sympathy from me. Shannon arrives at the airport “Who comes to the airport at THIS time of the morning?!!?!?” The limo driver is like- Me, bitch, every damn day.
Shannon announces, “Vacation Shannon is ready to play.” Yeah, well, we will see about that.
Oh look! Steve is heading to Mexico with all of Vicki’s money!
They board the plane and Kelly is seated next to a dude- we only see the back of his head- but Shannon is convinced Kelly is going to join the mile-high club with him. Alas, we aren’t sure how this turns out, but we do get treated to Shannon saying “Jamaica, mon.”
Top O’ The Morning!!!!
Over and over and over. Every time we hear this… stab yourself.
The plane touches down in Jamaica and the first complaint is “It’s hot.” Yes, it’s Jamaica. Vicki tells us she’s hotter than she’s ever been before. Listen, MisRed lives in Houston, you shall receive no sympathy from me.
The van hired to schlep these party animals around is air-conditioned, which makes the women happy. Happy enough to wear Jamaican Rasta hats with fake dreads.
You won’t be mad if we completely mock your culture and its icons?
Someone stopped at Spencer Gifts before leaving LA. Linda probably got them and told Vicki everybody in Jamaica wears them. Oh, it was Tamra. Figures. Vicki asks the driver if he will be mad at them for wearing these? He says no, but in his heart, he is plotting a way to drive the van off a bridge. Just kidding. You gotta figure he sees tacky tourists like this every day, but really, it’s a little insensitive, but leave it to these women to think it’s okay. The driver is like…I will pretend to like you because I am expecting a big tip.
The conversation turns to conch. Vicki asks if it’s true conch “makes you horny?” The driver says it’s true. Then Vicki informs the driver, and us “I’m always horny.” The girls ask if Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino can keep up and Vicki says he can, but “He doesn’t need it four times a day like me.”
Ok, MisRed is back.
Vicki is pathetic. Vicki thinks if Steve boinks her 4 times a day, he must love her. Yeah, well, dudes will also f*ck a glory hole at a truck stop, so…
In Vicki’s case, she’d be considered a “gory hole.”
The van arrives at the resort- the Jewel Grande Resort & Spa- make note, you don’t want to stay there. A) It has been infested with Vickis and B) Spoiler Alert, the A/C leaves something to be desired.
Ingrid, the resort greeter, gives the ladies a cocktail and introduces them to their 24-hour butlers. She indicates they will be staying in two penthouses, each one has 3 bedrooms. She asks who is bunking with whom? Kelly suggests Shannon share with Gina and Emily.
And Emily and Gina breath a sigh of relief.
Shannon declines. Rudely. She needs to be with the “Tres Amigas.”
Gina, in her interview, thinks Shannon really has some balls.
Gina and Emily are like -Ok, we will have the sorority house and you guys can have the old folks home.
This is what fun looks like.
The girls arrive at their penthouse and Vicki and Tamra fight over who gets the biggest room. Vicki says she’s going to pee on the bed. Well, she will probably do that regardless of whether it is her room. She and Tamra start LICKING the pillows. Clearly, neither of these dumb bitches has ever watched an episode of 20/20.
I’m sure there are no bodily fluids on that bedding.
The poor butler is mortified.
White people are so embarrassing.
Classless to the end, these two.
In the other penthouse, Emily and Gina think if Shannon had roomed with them, she would have wound up LOVING them. Kelly tries to say that it takes Shannon a long time to warm up to people, yada yada yada.
Why do they even give a shit about Shannon at this point? These two desperately need Shannon’s approval and it’s pathetic. Kelly interviews that Shannon is standoffish, but she thinks Shannon would like Emily and Gina if she gave them a chance.
Well yeah, and Emily has that GREAT HUSBAND, so she’s got THAT going for her.
Charming. Like a scorching case or herpes.
Back at Shady Pines, the Tres Amigas are complaining about the heat in their room. The butler tells them the other ladies are in the room next door. Shannon is like “fortunately or unfortunately?” Tamra tells Shannon to pull out whatever it is that stuck in her ass. It’s probably that enema tip from 4 years ago.
The women are sweating to death and unpacking. Tamra calls Eddie to see how he’s doing. She says she feels guilty and worries about him. Haha. As if Tamra can feel things. So funny.
The women get ready for dinner and Tamra goes over to the other penthouse. It is cooler over there because they have the doors to the patio open. Shannon won’t allow the doors at Shady Pines to be open because she is afraid of getting the Zika Virus.
So, just have Dr. Moon put the Twister spinner on your stomach and pop his thumb in your butt and you’ll be cured.
Kelly thinks Shannon is being ridiculous. Kelly isn’t worried about Zika. She’s worried about STD’s. Well, as luck would have it, you can get Zika from sex, too, Kelly.
Zika is a valid concern, but, uh, I don’t know, get some DEET and call it a day. And besides, Vicki’s been looking for her next face… maybe Zika is the way to go.
Vicki in, yet, another flattering outfit.
The women meet for dinner and Vicki’s histrionics start. She is so hot. She’s sweating. She’s hot. She’s sweating.
My house has been cheating on me too!
Shannon gets a text message that her rental house has been sold. They will honor her lease until it’s done, but she is upset and doesn’t want to move again. She wants to provide consistency for her daughters.
Well then, buy a house Shannon.
Listen I get it. It’s stressful, but you can’t change it, so just worry about it when you get home. Easier said than done, especially given that it’s Shannon.
Kelly tells Shannon that she has to think about all of the people who are starving in the world and Shannon should recognize how fortunate she is. Shannon says she doesn’t want to disappoint her kids because “they don’t understand that.”
What? Her kids don’t understand that there are people less fortunate than they are? Well a) they should b) it’s up to Shannon to teach them c) they are old enough to understand that sometimes life hands you lemons and it’s better to make lemonade than to put 9 in a bowl.
Send those kids to the Soup Kitchen with Kelly and Saint Jolie. Hell. Send Shannon to that soup kitchen.
Kelly interviews that Shannon doesn’t even grasp that there are people who are really suffering and maybe if she did, she wouldn’t complain as much. Word.
Back to Vicki, who is melting. Literally.
Does your face hurt? It’s killing us.
Tamra asks Gina what’s happening with her living situation? She explains she is renting a Casita on the weekends, and she will stay there and then maybe Matt will stay there sometimes, etc.
Vicki tells her “It could be a financial disaster.” Here we go again. She tells Gina that she needs life insurance on her husband- she needs 20 x his income. Vicki isn’t wrong, but it’s not a conversation for right now.
Thanks for the insight.
Then Vicki tosses out the first thing she learned at The Sketchy Insurance Academy, “The cemetery is full of people who didn’t plan on dying.”
Let’s just see if David and his new penis holster have air-conditioning where they are…
All during this conversation, Shannon is just looking at her phone texting and – it looks like she’s looking at Instagram. She is completely NOT paying attention to the conversation.
Tamra says that when Shannon talks/ complains everybody listens but whenever anyone else does, she checks out. That IS annoying. Shannon is just pissed because someone else has a divorce story line and Gina isn’t completely destroyed by her divorce like Shannon.
Ok, back to Vicki and her fake vacation illness du jour. Kelly says it looks like all of her plastic surgery is malfunctioning at one. Well, plastic melts in the heat, so it makes sense.
Jamaica does not agree with Vicki.
Vicki, of course, has to make a scene – so that the entire restaurant knows she’s having a hot flash. She makes the women fawn all over her trying to cool her down. A) Have some manners and excuse yourself and go to the restroom. B) put your f*cking hair up. C) Put a cold towel on the back of your neck. D) drink some water. E) Walk outside and get run over by a Red Stripe truck.
This scene is ridiculous. People in the restaurant are laughing at Vicki and how stupid she is.
White bitches ruin everything.
Then we get a flashback of Vicki’s fake injury at Glamis Dunes, and her fake illness in Iceland.
The ghosts of fake illnesses past.
Just another year of the Vickis.
Can we get insurance for The Vickis?
And Gina stopped by Ramona Singer’s closet on the way to Jamaica.
The next day, the sorority sisters come to Shady Pines to pick up the old folks. Vicki is offering everyone heel cream. ???Tamra, Emily and Gina go to the beach and Shannon, Vicki and Kelly go to the spa.
Kelly has a rash. It’s a heat rash, but she’s making a big deal of it. She interviews “Despite what people may think of me, I’ve never had a rash.” LOL.
Their first stop is he Himalayan Salt Lounge. The spa lady explains that they lay on these salt loungers – which are heated. Vicki wants to know if they lay on them naked? No Vicki, you have to wear a bathing suit. They don’t want to have to CONDEMN the entire resort for a rampant case of the Vickis spreading like wildfire.
Shannon has, for some reason, neglected to bring her bathing suit. She brought two HUGE suitcases but didn’t pack a bathing suit.
They ask the spa lady if it will help with Kelly’s rash and Shannon’s sprained ankle? Yes, of course it will. Vicki says, “I have a leaky valve, will it help with that.” Vicki, you are gross. Please go away.
Let’s get them nicely seasoned before putting them in the sun.
Kelly keeps repeating she has a rash. Vicki tells her to stop.
Vicki is in a bikini. This really is an unnecessary assault on our ocular system. Does Vicki offer insurance for that?
Down at the beach, the girls discuss the previous evening. Apparently, the girls did some dancing- they were trying to get Shannon to warm up to Gina and Emily. They are going on and on about how Shannon doesn’t give two shits about them. Yeah, she doesn’t. Tamra tells Emily and Gina “Eddie thinks I’m an enabler when it comes to Shannon.” She is.
Emily thinks that’s weird because Tamra doesn’t seem like the enabling type.
She doesn’t huh?
I offer you Exhibit A.
Tamra says she feels bad for Shannon, so does Gina. Emily doesn’t feel bad for her. Tamra says Shannon starts every day with a negative comment. Hey, some people are like that- they thrive on negative energy. Gina says, “She’s Sour Shannon.”
They talk about Gina’s divorce a little, comparing it to Shannon’s. Gina says, if one person in the relationship is cheating, there is a fundamental issue within the relationship. Gina says that the best thing Shannon can do is to free herself of the “stuff” from the relationship. She says it’s an albatross and if she cultivated some good friendships, it would be a helpful coping tool.
Tamra is like -Albatross? Why are we talking about Tuna, betch?
That’s Albacore, Tamra.
They say Shannon needs to get laid. YES. Apparently, Shannon doesn’t even masturbate, per Tamra. The other girls are shocked. Yeah, Shannon needs to “get the poison out.”
Back at the Spa, Vicki, Kelly and Shannon go in the pool.
Please look into a two-piece bathing suit, Vicki
They pull Shannon into the pool in her towel.
This energy would be better used holding Vicki’s head under the water.
Hold her under. HOLD HER UNDER!!!!
Later, Shannon and Vicki return to Shady Pines- Tamra is there wearing a little-known Banksy painting.
They ask what Tamra did, and she replies they just laid on the beach, had some drinks and laughed. Shannon and Vicki want to know what they laughed about? Were they laughing AT someone?
Tamra said Emily and Gina are both great girls. Tamra says they were laughing about Vicki melting into a puddle of silicone the night before and they had fun dancing with Shannon.
“Ah, well, I hope it was worth injuring my ankle, ‘cause now I can’t even walk on it.” OMG Shannon. STAHHHHHHHPPPP.
The girls are preparing to go bamboo rafting. Gina is afraid of murky water.
MisRed can relate. If I can’t see the bottom…it’s a hard no.
The girls meet in the air-conditioned van and they all have beers- even Shannon.
The driver is taking them to Martha Brae for rafting.
You can’t raft down Martha Raye!!!
The girls need to team up in twos to do the rafting. Shannon and Vicki decide to go together, which pisses Tamra off, seemingly. She says “Good, let the Debbie Downers go together.”
Boo Hoo, poor Tamra.
Vicki interviews that her friendship with Shannon is back where it used to be. Well that sucks for Shannon. She says “It might be better than ever so it’s natural she would want to sit next to me. Ha Ha Tamra.”
Ok, Vicki, firstly, nobody wants to sit next to you. The only reason Shannon is going on the raft with Vicki is because Vicki has so much plastic in her, Shannon thinks she might be able to use her as a floatation device should anything go awry with the raft.
Over at Martha Raye, the river is very brown and moving very fast.
Looks so welcoming.
They have a cocktail before getting on the rafts.
On the walk to the river, Tamra gossips with Kelly about Shannon wanting to go on the raft with Vicki and how Tamra “caught” Shannon making a plan to go with Vicki.
For f*ckssake Tamra, THIS is what you have to be irritated about? Everybody has to go on a raft with someone- be thankful Piggy isn’t here because THAT would have been a horror show.
What is this brown water? No ball in house Koko.
Kelly thinks it’s weird that Tamra and Shannon are so codependent. It’s like they are teenagers and having a love affair. Finally, Tamra is like “But no big deal, I’d rather go with you anyway. She’s just going to bitch and complain the whole time.”
Then why are you even talking about it, Tamra?
The women board the rafts. It looks super safe, so it’s a good thing they’ve been drinking. Gina is nervous. She thinks the Kraken is coming to get her.
Don’t worry, it’s just Vicki.
While they are waiting to start down the river, Shannon says she’s a little gassy from the beer she drank. Vicki is FREAKING OUT that Shannon might fart.
You can’t fart near me. I already smell bad enough from the melting.
Ok, Vicki- you are the one that PEES yourself regularly AND pee’d on Tamra’s bed. A fart is nothing.
Tamra and Kelly are playing a drinking game – every time their guide says “Ya mon,” they drink.
At some point down the river, Vicki says she can’t see, she’s having an allergic reaction.
YOUR eyes!?!? We are the ones who have to look at you.
Oh, the Vickis are back.
No. Nobody cares.
Shut up, Vicki, you probably have sunscreen in your eye. But as a precaution you should throw a robe over your head and wade to shore.
The girls stop at a rope swing. Well most of them do. Vicki and Shannon don’t stop, but everybody else does. Too bad because this would be a great place to drown Vicki since Shannon and Kelly FAILED in the pool.
Shannon and Vicki continue down the river to the bar.
Emily gets right up and goes on the swing and drops into the water.
Kelly goes on the swing but doesn’t drop into the water, she already has a rash and lord knows what she could catch in that water.
Then Tamra goes and of course, she has rigged her top to come off.
Tamra Judge, the picture of class.
She has ample opportunity to cover herself, but she doesn’t until the rope swing attendant has pulled her from the water- with her tits out.
At the bar, Vicki tells complains to the bartender about the “allergic reaction” and then goes on to tell her about Brooks and her heart break and then about Steve and how she’s afraid of doing anything to make Steve upset.
Yeah, why be with in relationship where you can be your true self?
The bartender is like- Can someone toss this white bitch into the river?
Lady, there isn’t enough weed on this island to make me care about this conversation.
Back at the swing, Gina goes on the swing, but doesn’t go into the water.
They continue down the river and meet up with Shannon and Vicki. They said that Shannon and Vicki should have done the rope swing. Shannon is like “Nope.”
Emily is like- this is the extent of the conversations I have with Shannon. When Tamra gets there, Shannon is like- “Oh, your top came off AGAIN?”
Shannon and Vicki decide, rather than hanging out with the girls, to go sit in the air-conditioned van instead.
Tamra says that she’s trying to help Shannon, but she gets so frustrated with Shannon and her negativity. She says she is going to blow and it won’t be pretty.
Next time, the boredom continues. Vicki is in macramé dress and there is a mass outbreak of Bravo viewer self-inflicted blindness. Shannon flips out. Vicki and Tamra turn on Shannon.
Dreadful. MisRed cannot with these women anymore. Shannon is a miserable shrew, Vicki is annoying and Tamra is evil. Kelly is the voice of reason?!?! What is happening here??? How do you guys feel about this mess? I always love to know your thoughts. Until next week… xoxox.
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!