Hello again, readers!!! I’m here to recap episode 5 of Hand of God for you, and if you’re not excited, you should be. We’re halfway through the season, which is to say, things are getting a teeny tiny little bit ridic, and this ep was hilarious. My job is super fucking easy today. Thank you, Jesus!
Okay: After some boring stuff happens before the titles, we check in on Banksy, who’s cozying up to KD in prison. I mean, like, literally cozying up to him. That’s right, these two have been in the pokey for 30 seconds and the writers are already like, “D’oh! Hold onto your soap, KD!” It’s romantic af, ngl.
I ship it.
Bubbles is wooing some energy official with promises of a weekend retreat at the Conclave (apparently a Good Old Boys amusement park where “important decisions” get made). Thrilling. Will they or will they not be entombing those poor people in concrete? It all depends on whether or not That Old Energy Dude signs off on the grid expansion, you guys. PS This is a Mens Only event, and that gash from Crook$ Innovation$ seems kind of bitter about it:
Cheer up, lady, you’re not missing much, and besides, you get to get drunk with Garth later!
Of course Hellboy has no idea that getting along with Garth plus Garth cooking dinner in parenthesis divided by the fact that he hasn’t had visions in, like, weeks equals taking his prescription. He hems and haws about not wanting to spend two days away from the dinner table in favor of whatever they have planned for him at the Cockclave this weekend, but, who are we kidding? Bathrobes, cigars, skeet shooting(!!), and bare breastesses around every corner?!? Sign that bitch up, Bubbles! HB kisses Garth goodbye and Dana Carvey can’t even keep a straight face as she hands him a cupcake full of pills for the trip.
Sorry this still is so dark, you guys, but nobody ever draws the drapes in this mansion and there’s nothing I can really do about it personally.