Previously on the RHOC, Lydia ordered Dough’s “balls” to be cut off. Kelly and Vicki had colonics and we discovered Vicki is full of sh*t, the likes of which we have never seen. Lydia was excluded from a dinner. People are trying to figure out of Piggy has cancer, which DIS-GUS-TED Piggy. Although we aren’t certain she knows the meaning of the word. David was a dick to Shannon, so it was Tuesday. And Vicki was urged to, by Steve the Crooked Cop, fix her relationship with Tamra, while her grandsons peed all over everything.
Vicki needs to call 1-800-RNT-AGAY
We open with Vicki plodding up to a coffee shop. Oooooh, Andy Cohen is attempting to get all f*cking artsy… there is no music, just the sounds of the coffee shop. Come on Andy, these bitches need coconuts clopping in the background- AT MINIMUM. Vicki says, “At one time, Tamra and I were like Thelma and Louise.” I can’t. Neither of you is getting boned by a young Brad Pitt. Plus, they are both DEAD!
Can we talk about Vicki’s wardrobe? I mean, who is dressing this skank? DREADFUL. The designer of this shirt needs to be taken out and beaten. I mean, it’s nothing a decent gay couldn’t fix. But who the actual f*ck designed this… made it… sold it… some shop bought it and then managed to convince Vicki it looked good on here… and that Vicki should wear it to a rumble.
Oh, we again review all of Tamra and Vicki’s faces over the years, which Vicki is all nostalgic.
This is how STDs are spread, people.
MisRed consulted the Dental Records to make sure these faces do, in fact, belong to Vicki and Tamra
Before Vicki discovered Micro-Dermabrasion and Lake Havasu figured out Vicki was too White Trash for Lake Havasu
Tamra also reviews their history while driving to meet Vicki. She REALLY feels that Vicki feels bad and wants to apologize and start over. Bahahaha.
Tamra, you are really reaching here:
- Vicki doesn’t consider the feelings of anyone else.
- You, CERTAINLY, don’t feel things.
- Vicki takes blame for NOTHING.
- Vicki doesn’t apologize.
Keep your expectations nice and low.
Vicki says, “I’m expecting for Tamra to give me a hug and to say ‘I’m done fighting with you.’”
I just want Tamra to overlook every single moment of our friendship…why is that so hard?
Raise your hand if you know what, specific, type of crack Vicki is smoking? Bonus points if you can tell MisRed where she can score some?
Tamra enters and sits with Vicki. There is no hug. There is no casserole. There isn’t even one of those heat and eat artichoke dips from Trader Joe’s…
Vicki smiles- or at least- her face begins to flake off and crack, so MisRed THINKS it’s a smile. Tamra smirks and says “So… what’s up?”
Is there a custodian standing by ready to sweep up Vicki’s face?
Vicki says that she wants to be kind to each other. Tamra says “I am kind to you.”
Vicki tells her that “In your MIND you’ve been kind to me. But you’ve hurt me.” Tamra is like- how? Vicki says “you went after my character. You called me a con woman.”
People are starting to look at them over the plastic succulents from Home Goods. Yes, people often stop and stare at freak shows.
Excuse me, you are ruining our our-vegan-gluten-free-dairy-free-Non-GMO-Komucha-cloth-diaper- book club discussion…
Tamra tells Vicki to “Calm down. It’s not a good look.”
Vicki is made up of nothing but “not good” looks.
Vicki continues “I want you to stop this bullying- and ganging up teams of people against me.” Tamra is like- WTF are you talking about? Vicki compares Tamar’s actions to a Chess Game. Puhleeeeeze, chess? These bitches are just mastering “Go Fish.” They will be ready for Chess in the year 3,030, maybe.
Sorry, to continue, Vicki says that Tamra gangs people up against her. Tamra asks for an example of what she has said or done. Vicki says that Tamra will never take accountability for the things she has done.
Hello Pot, meet Kettle, you are both black. You are both the worst.
Tamra is just like – You are spreading rumors about my husband. What has Eddie ever done to you?
Vicki says: Nothing, I like Eddie.
Tamra says- Why would I marry someone who is gay?
Vicki says, “Maybe he is using you to get a gym.”
Tamra clarifies that Eddie never even wanted to be in the “gym business” he was working for his Dad at a law firm and Tamra talked him into it and he put up as much money as she did. He walked away from a $400,000 job to open the gym with Tamra.
MisRed can accept Eddie, ALLEGEDLY, being gay… but MisRed cannot accept Eddie being stupid! You do not walk away from $400k per year for warped floors!!!
Vicki says she doesn’t care what Eddie does. Oh really? But she certainly does like to talk about it. She continues that she apologizes for ever hurting Tamra and she just wants Tamra to be kind.
Tamra says- “Why should I be kind to you? You don’t deserve my heart. You don’t deserve my friendship… it just dawned on me- you don’t deserve me!”
Vicki’s face though…
With that Tamra stands up and leaves. Everyone is looking at them.
Get home safe, Grandma.
Vicki says “There you go! See you later.” I’m surprised we didn’t get a “Bye Felicia.”
The sad sack music starts and Vicki looks at her phone. Trust MisRed, honey, you don’t have any messages.
Vicki interviews that she feels like she failed and she doesn’t’ know what she could have done differently. Ugh, Vicki, don’t make MisRed make another LIST for you…
And… we are 6 minutes in…
Vicki calls Steve, The Cooked Cop and says that it didn’t go well. I like how Vicki paints herself to be a martyr. He says she gave it her best shot and it didn’t work out, she just needs to move on.
In Tamra’s car, she calls Eddie… he’s at a bath-house…. Just kidding. She calls Eddie and says that it didn’t go well and he say to come home and Vicki is full of sh*t.
The Tao of Eddie
Well, technically…. She got all of her sh*t pumped out last week, but who is keeping score? Oh that’s right- everybody.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Piggy meets Dicko for dinner- it’s their Anniversary. They review their lives. It’s boring. They have planned an Anniversary Party and they have invited everyone – but Eddie and David don’t want to come if Vicki is going to be there. They review David requesting more clarification as to whether Piggy had cancer. They are pissed about it.
Let’s review the crime…
Jim Edmonds, super interested as always
Peggy says David doesn’t have the right to ask questions. Well…I mean, it is a free country. And unfortunately, Piggy’s Cancer is A.B.- that’s AFTER BROOKS, not Vicki’s new strain of flu, so unfortunately, all things cancer are going to be called into question.
Ok, wait, so we get an ounce more clarification…. Dicko says that Peggy had CANCER CELLS. Ok, so MisRed is not a doctor- and I don’t even play one on TV… so when does having “cancer cells” turn into “having cancer?” I ask because I’ve had family members that have had cancer or pre-cancerous cells but I wouldn’t say they had “cancer.” So… maybe this is just muddying the waters further?
All I know is that maybe RHOC should drop all storylines relating to Cancer. It seems to cause an awful lot of problems. Is MisRed right? Of course, she is.
Over at Kelly’s her Dad is visiting. Hmmmm. Kelly isn’t the spawn of a meerkat and an creature from the swamp? MisRed did not know that. Although, Kelly’s Dad is rather waxy.
The Loins of Kelly’s Fruit
Immediately, the Dad and the Lopsided Bag of Hair have an argument about the Dad talking to Michael about the Bag of Hair’s family. I don’t know, I can’t follow.
Less wax, more crazy-eyed killer
Net/Net Kelly’s Dad and the Bag of Hair had a TERRIBLE marriage and they fought constantly. Kelly says that she and Michael fight in front of Jolie all the time- yeah, maybe you guys shouldn’t do that. Kelly fears she is repeating a pattern. Uh yeah, well, you are.
Lydia and Judy meet to go shopping. This is a recycled scene. We already saw part of this previously this season when Lydia and her Mom argued over the perfect pink pashmina.
Apparently, Lydia’s grandfather just passed away and her mom and dad just inherited a bundle. Judy gets a kick out of spoiling Lydia. Judy is turning 69 and Lydia asks if that’s a good age. Judy says she LOVES the concept of “69” and then informs us that Lydia’s Dad is a “horn dog.”
Ye Olde Horn dog
Great… another image MisRed is going to have to BRILLO off the surface of her brain.
Kelly is very close with her Dad- she said he was like her ”very-happy-go-lucky.” Ummm, would we consider Kelly “happy-go-lucky?” I mean, I think she would like to THINK she is…
Kelly Dodd Homecoming Queen of the Ross Dress For Less
Kelly wishes that her Mom would not have as much animosity toward her dad. Kelly sees a lot of similarities between her parent’s bad marriage and her own bad marriage.
Piggs, Dicko, The Gias and Boy Gia are on the way to the Anniversary Party….
Surprised Dicko didn’t make them wear Black and White
23 minutes in, for those keeping score, at home.
Dicko and Piggs Circa 1995
The party is at a Mediterranean Restaurant… Omg Piggy is cooking up a genius plot for Boy Gia to get “Aunt Vicki’s hand” and then take her over to “Aunt Tamra” and to ask them both to give him a kiss.
Why do you hate me so?
DO NOT TURN KOKO TO STONE!!!! Boy Gia says he’ll do it for $1,000. Piggy agrees, but Boy Gia wants the $$ upfront. Smart boy- especially with these ladies’ finances.
Piggy asks the event organizer to confirm that the belly dancer is not fat. Great Piggy. With the rumors about you, you should make sure she isn’t gay too.
Everyone starts to arrive at the restaurant. Meghan has brought some crap gift- candles and probably some of Jimmy splooge-popsicle. Kelly, Tamra and Shannon are all in sparkly dresses and Vicki shows up in a bright green dress with full- back exposure.
Disaster coming and going
Did we learn NOTHING from Vicki’s 75th birthday dress?
Vicki comes over and says hello to everyone in the group- Tamra walks away. Tamra, Kelly and Shannon go outside to smoke a hookah. They can’t figure out how to get the hookah lit.
Hoochies at the Hookah
Wait do you light it? MisRed has no clue. Then they start saying they need marijuana- and Kelly and Tamra start saying “Yeah 420- yesterday was 4/20-420, yeah!!”
Shannon is like- “What is 420?” And of course, neither Kelly or Tamra knows or can explain it. They tell Shannon to call Snoop Dog. Shannon is like… Dog? Snoop? What?
I’m having 420 negative thoughts, David. David? David!
I might have the munchies too.
You girls are sooooo stoooooopid
Dicko comes out to get the hookah all set up and, basically, calls them idiots for trying to smoke a hookah that wasn’t “turned on.”
RUN BOY GIA RUN
Vicki explains, somewhat drunkenly, I think, to Koko (age 9, and the only one who doesn’t know what a twatzilla Vicki is) that there are 2 girls at the party that don’t like her very much- so she’s going to hang out with Koko. WHAT DID THIS KID EVER DO TO GET THIS KIND OF PUNISHMENT?!?!?! Koko should ask Vicki for $1,000 too.
Oh no, then everyone sits down.
Shannon, Meghan and Tamra sit at a table. They ask Lydia to join them, but she sits elsewhere. Then Psycho Mike sits down at Tamra’s table. Vicki sits at the next table… THEN Kelly eyeballs sitting at Vicki’s table but ultimately sits at the table with Shannon, Tamra and Psycho Mike.
Of course, Vicki is pissed, but is like “It’s all good, It’s all good.”
Let MisRed translate for you. What Vicki means is “It’s all bad. I will hold this grudge forever. We will spend 13 hours talking about this at the reunion.”
Vicki says that Kelly is sitting at the mean girl table.
Food is served- it looks delicious. These shady editors are falling down on the job- we didn’t see Shannon eat anything.
MisRed loves you THIS much
Vicki and Kelly are both marveling that Piggy and Dicko have been married for 22 years. Yeah, it’s amazing to take vows and actually KEEP THEM. Then the belly dancer comes out.
Thank goodness this belly dancer doesn’t have a belly.
And Dicko starts tucking $$ into the dancer’s skirt. Then Lydia gets all judgmental that Piggy and Dicko’s son is there while bucks are being tucked.
The Jesusy McNoFuns are seated and ready to judge
Shannon joins in the buck tucking. then Piggy starts dancing and smiling.
Uh oh, Piggy wants to make a speech, she smashes a Martini glass, then wishes Dicko a happy anniversary.
What do you mean, we are not Greek?
Piggy says she had a tough year. Dicko says that every year on their anniversary, he gets 2 gifts. One for her and one for him, because it’s all about him. The previous year he got matching Ferrari’s this year he got them matching Audemars Piguet watches- $80,000.
Then Dicko busts out a 22-karat diamond necklace for Piggs- $150,000. Seriously, I hope these people are donating to charity as well…
Shannon comments that on her last anniversary, she got a breadmaker and a pan.
Piggy will need a Silkwood shower…
Everyone dances. Then Piggy gets her diamond necklace caught on Vicki’s dress. And then we see this.
Vicki’s Backfat 2.0
Dicko pulls Shannon aside to talk.
Dicko says that he likes David but he questioned whether or not Piggy had cancer- David was interrogating Dicko. Shannon seems confused- but she thinks Dicko should talk to David. Dicko wanted to talk to Shannon to clear the air, he says he doesn’t want to make it a big deal. Piggy joins and is happy that everyone is involved because with an audience “this way Shannon can’t twist it around.” This will come back to haunt Piggs at the reunion, fo sho, ho.
In fairness, Piggs is confusing a lot of people
Tamra pipes up that it’s been confusing and they are NOT getting a clear story from Piggy about her diagnosis.
Piggy interviews “What part of I have breast cancer do you not understand? I have had breast cancer.” OMG- she makes a definitive statement and then makes a nebulous statement- I have had breast cancer. Which from anyone else would me- at some point- in the past- I had breast cancer. But with Piggy- who knows what it really means?
The words, “I’m sorry…” anyone have a definition?
Dicko apologizes (what, that’s something that never happens, I could barely identify what the statement was.) to Shannon for misreading David. Shannon says there is no need to apologize.
BUT… Shannon is PISSED. Oh yes. She thinks it’s all very dramatic. Piggy talks to Shannon and says that she was hurt and that’s why she talked to Dicko.
And Piggy even, kind of, apologizes to Shannon.
This isn’t a smile…Shannon is about to bare her teeth
Shannon leaves in a huff. I mean, is there any other way for Shannon to leave anywhere?
Shannon is the only person who could receive two apologies and be more pissed off than ever.
Shannon gets in the car with Tamra and says she is shocked David is being accused to interrogating Dicko over Piggy’s cancer. For F*cksake- is this really all she has to get upset about? I can, off the top of my head, think of 250 other things that should have more energy put toward it than THIS.
Tamra is like- Shannon knows that David would never interrogate anyone- so just let it go. Seriously. But Shannon doesn’t know why Dicko would talk to her about it and not just speak to David.
Thin Shannon vs Vicki Face 10.0
She already has been involved in a cancer conversation… we see a flashback to a VERY THIN Shannon talking to Vicki about Brooks- and Vicki saying “You know what? Call Brooks.” Hmmm. Familiar ring. Shannon doesn’t want to be involved. She doesn’t want to be responsible for what David does.
What in the actual f*ck is going on with Meghan’s knockers?
Next week, Alison Dubois (not really) reads their auras.
There is a toilet in your relationship corner- your aura is brown. Sh*t brown.
Shannon asks if hers if positive and Alison is like “Well…no.”
Then Kelly accuses Vicki of having Hepatitis B…. Vicki is like “I had the flu.” Kelly says, “Oh I knew it had some letter behind it.” Bahahaha. Kelly is so dumb. UH OH… next week Piggy asks Shannon if she trusts her husband?
Armeniageddon in 3…2…1
Wait…. Didn’t someone else ask someone if they trusted their husband. Was that Shannon also???
Oh dear Lord- what on earth is going on on this show??? Vicki really needs to reconsider her choices in shape-wear. And dresses. And Plastic Surgeons. What the heck are we going to do with Shannon??? Oy vey.
Well, I love you guys! Thanks for reading and I love the comments. MisRed just returned from a week in Connecticut at her high school reunion and is currently detoxing from too much booze and good pizza. xoxoxxoxo
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