Welcome back to the Shahs of Sunset! Last week we witnessed MJ and Tommy just completely forget about a fight that would have ended not only normal person relationships, but would have split a friend group in half forever. GG and Shalom are now engaged, after their own smack-down-drag-out and thanks to the strict no refunds policy at the Times Square Billboard company.
In the meantime, MJ was on WWHL and told Andy that Asa was married for ten years! And was caught in bed with another man, but was able to successfully blackmail her husband into keeping the house she currently has. Whoa. Now MJ is a known liar, but this is certainly juicy. Either way, MJ, HOW is any of this Asa lying? You can’t just list facts and then say she’s lying about not telling everyone about them. Shut up MJ.
This week we open back in the Big Apple. The gang is going figure skating. The producers seem hell-bent on forcing them into athletic activities this year and I’m loving every minute of it. I hope they are getting our dummies in for regular physicals because one fall on ice skates could kill MJ.
Reza calls Asa to inform her of their Snow Flake Ball plans. Since when was it supposed to be a Snow Flake Ball? I thought it was a finale party/celebration of friends. Asa doubts she can go because she is feeling like shit and has Braxton-Hicks contractions all night. I get that she’s annoying, but the girl is like 15 months pregnant with an enormous baby. MJ rolls her eyes.
Everyone puts on their skates (with some difficulty because shoe-tying is hard) and they hit the ice.
Tommy hugging the wall for dear life.
Christmas came early: 30 seconds of Reza shuffling around and quietly crying about how this ice has no idea what it’s like to be gay with grandparents who hate you.
Reza is a big dramatic bitch about having to skate. He sounds like he is giving birth. MJ skates up to discuss whose life they should ruin next and how. MJ says they should push Mike to try again with Jessica, who clearly hates him and is getting it from Mike’s personal jeweler. GG agrees, provided that Mike can keep his dool out of every passing hole. HA
Back in the Tehrangeles, Asa is off to the doctor with her mother. She is hella pregnant and sick at the same time. Asa’s mother tattles to the doctor and reports that Asa is NOT resting at all. Asa blames her pains on her friends. The doctor writes a firm Rx for staying away from MJ (good life advice) and eating more food (like she ever needs to be told that).
Asa talks about how her son is going to be a mix of ancient Sumerian and a Jackson. Now that’s a combination. For historical levels of nuts.
Enough food for 50 people.
Back at the townhouse, the concierge has ordered them take out to feed an army. I had less food at my wedding. The concierge lady was prepared for these eaters and got full catering for their afternoon snack. Mike is happy for GG and expresses it by announcing that Shalom and GG do not know each other well enough to be married and this is a huge mistake.
Shervin… completely forgot you weren’t here.
GG and Shalom are in their room Facetiming Shervin to tell him their blessed news. Shervin is faux-cited and wishes he could be there, but there are so many ladies to bang in LA and he does not want to see a dumb play.
The next morning is a many splendored thing. Mike claims he was out all night with Shalom and invites Adam to come watch him shower. MJ looks like she slept in a ditch, but is ready to get turnt at 9:30am.
Mike claims he went to see his “fucking cousin.” That’s not a description you use when you have been out banging all night, bro.
GG, undie detective, can smell the sex on his drawers. GAG
Mike DESPERATELY wants us to think: 1. He bangs 12 girls a day and 2. He slept with Jessica. I’d bet anything he was up until 3 at a pizza parlor that also serves tequila, alone.
GG’s evidence that Jessica and Mike are banging again is her reflection in the background of one of Mike’s puppy pictures:
Could literally be any human woman.
The gang, sans the theater actor GG, are headed to Queens to visit Tommy’s family. MJ debates bring her crocheting because she is now wife/mother material and every baby needs a new knitting tequila coozie.
MJ brags about how the first time she met Tommy’s family, they were engaged, but she didn’t take it that seriously because Tommy was still gross and she could easily have just taken the ring off, but now she is a serious wife material lady.
Reza, pissed that he still hasn’t created a plan to ruin Mike’s life, has a meeting with MJ and GG to discuss Mike’s love for his ex wife.
What a group.
GG claims Jessica totally wants Mike back. Uhhhh, what? Reza identifies Mike’s mother as the roadblock to the relationship and claims Jessica has a lot to do to get back into Mrs. Mike’s good graces. WTF. Mike is the one that cheated!! Jesus. These dudes can apparently do no wrong.
MJ wears her finest snow attire.
They drive by some fine graffiti art and a gentleman’s club that offered a free hot dog lunch special. Remind me again why these idiots don’t live in New York? Specifically on that street?
Back at the townhome, GG is pretending that she just found out that her new fiancé will not be staying in New York for her play.
The gang bursts into a bar in Queens to meet all of Tommy’s friends. The other patrons wish the Shahs would take it down a notch.
Again, it’s like 10:30am.
MJ informs us of Tommy’s back story: his father left when Tommy was 2, Tommy’s mother raised him until she was diagnosed with emphysema and died very quickly. Tommy then was forced to emancipate himself and was able to move in with his best friend’s family. So these friends are all his family. I swear the more I know about Tommy, the more I like and the more I think he deserves better.
MJ, in her Old Hollywood Slut attire.
The editors treat us to some gems: A clip of Reza ordering every food item on the menu and then some food from the joint next door for good measure, MJ asking her future husband’s family member if he is a tit guy or an ass guy, and Tommy with his head up MJ’s skirt/wide belt. Whew.
Focus on the good things in life…
Why, MJ, Why?
MJ and Tommy hop up on the bar to give a toast to family and friends. Tommy gives a sweet semi-drunk poem and the whole bar starts chanting “family.” It’s sweet, but in a we’re all drunk at 11am kind of way. Aw.
Back in LA, the leftovers, aka Destiney and Shervin, are doing their activity for the week. Destiney has opened a juice bar because she has been in the nightclub industry for a longggg time and needs a break. Did we know she ran nightclubs? I thought she puts girls in lampshades. Or did the editors cut anything personal about Destiney right out of this show?
I really thought you were a party planner.
Destiney’s place is called “RAWkin’ Juice.” And her party involves making alcoholic beverages using the juice. Is that normal? Or advisable?
Destiney pulls Shervin aside to attack him/have a normal personal conversation attacking his behavior. Shervin calmly explains his dirty cheating behavior in a way only a man can: his parents got DIVORCED. While he was an adult, but they are DIVORCED and he is the only one with this painful experience and it makes it okay that he cheats. Mmkay? Back to the party now?
I wish these eyelashes would blind me from you even more.
Shervin gives a heartfelt “my bad.” OMG I can barely see through the emotional tears. What a butt face.
Asa goes shopping and meets with… Latoya Jackson! Finally! The perks of a half-Jackson baby. Ms. Jackson’s face is looking… normal.
Auntie Latoya… The weirdest words ever uttered.
Latoya confirms that Asa is indeed pregnant and then they begin shopping for enormous baby clothes. The clothes are all made by Versace. Because nothing says Versace like baby vomit. Asa brags that she has not bought one piece of maternity clothing. Um DUH. You wear nothing but kaftans and robes.
Just shopping for Versach.
Asa announces that People magazine wanted to do a spread with her, the baby, and Jermaine. Calm down, though, because Jermaine is very private and will not allow his spawn anywhere near a gossip rag.
Asa then embarks on a tale of her history with Jermaine. They met each other in high school. Except that they didn’t talk, but Asa knew they would be together forever (now cue the 80s stoner movie overlay on the screen). Ten years later (presumably ten years during which she was married to someone else) they met at the Apple store. Ah, modern romance. Jermaine brought organic blueberries to her house and they spent 18 hours listening to music and then they went to the beach where they saw a white fox on the PCH at midnight. W. T. F.
Or at least that’s how I remember it, I was really stoned at the time.
Shervin is back, being a butt. He talks about how Annalise was great for him because he could so easily cheat on her and then pretend to have a girlfriend for a few weeks out of the year. Overcome with feelings, he pulls his car over and calls her.
Hush now, don’t ruin my blow up doll plans.
What he says is that he is not ready for her to move to in with him. Umm where’s the rest of the sentence? He is not ready for her to move in because there are other girls that spend more time in his bed than she does. Shervin then adds that he doesn’t want to have to keep faking it for her benefit. Ahhh, ladies, don’t you love a guy who dumps you and then blames you for making him pretend to be your boyfriend? It’s the stuff dreams are made of.
Back in NYC, it is officially time for GG’s performance. In front of tens of people, she will be an actress.
Yeah, I’m just as thrilled.
The boys call GG, who informs them that it has been a real rough few days for Shalom, so he flew home. The week you propose to a GG is the roughest week of your life, so I get it.
Shalom walks in. Bro loves to fake his lady out and toy with her emotions. Isn’t that a cute, controlling, insane man behavior. Even Mike thinks it’s kind of psycho behavior.
A show so low budget that hair and make up is GG clipping in extensions behind a sheet.
GG seems so happy Shalom is there. Maybe they are perfect together?
As everyone sits down for the show, we are treated to the best part of this whole episode:
I give you: GG’s cast bio.
According to the program, GG was an accomplished gymnast who appeared in the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. Everyone is confused. The editors only have evidence of GG playing at gymnastics when she was 5. Does that mean she attended the Olympics a spectator? I could use a whole episode delving into this interesting “fact.”
Mike spends the play half asleep. Reza blames too much whoring and vodka and not enough sleep.
GG’s performance is okay. I blame the source material for the awkwardness. The kiss scene is not bad at all, but Shalom almost grinds down a mouth full of teeth watching it.
We end on a toast to GG, who has grown in so many ways. She is now almost an adult. Very impressive.
And that’s all for this week! Next week is the Snow Flake Finale Party episode and then we will be steam rolling toward what I’m sure will be a very loud, angry, and food-filled reunion. See you all next week!
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