Hellos Trashies and welcome to season 8 of RHONJ! This episode does not open in the way that we are used to for Real Housewives shows, with the new taglines and group scene. Instead it opens with the death of Teresa’s mom as she is shown racing to the hospital while on the phone with Milania talking to her brother Joe. I made that drive with my mom when her mother died and it was the longest saddest drive ever. Despite Teresa being vocal recently how if she could do it all over again she wouldn’t have done the show. She does however have some priceless footage of her mom where she can see her face, and hear her voice. I know it’s not the same as having her around but still a nice thing to have. I am not going to snark on any of this because it’s so sad but…
Why the balloon release, I feel the same way when Dateline episodes end like this
We get the now traditional footage of Teresa’s morning routine with the girls alone. Then Melissa’s morning with the kids. Joe walks in and he looks over everything. Melissa says they need to work less and enjoy life more. I swear I thought she was going to say, “and that’s why I am giving up the store,” but no.
Onto to Dolores’ house with her adorable daughter and her dogs.
Gabby’s Dog may have the best name card of anyone to ever appear on this show
Gabby is getting ready to graduate and Frankie is preparing for his senior year and to go off to college.
I hope this is the picture that Frankie submitted for his senior yearbook picture
Frank is moving back in and immediately puts his duffel bag on the counter, gross. Dolores is worried to have Frank and Frankie living together full time for the first time in their lives because Frank believes Frankie has been spoiled by his mom and grandma his whole life. Frankie welcomed his dad home by getting him a bed, a massage table with a sheet on it. Dolores has opened 3 new gyms and is now a woman who can roar
Next to Siggy’s where I am reminded how much I love her décor except for her personalized imposter designer Chanel signs letting everyone now that they are number 1! Siggy’s husband Michael is making the scene this year after I am sure was a million and 1 questions on why he refused to be on the show. Siggy is definitely feeling the sophomore burn of being “loved” and is being all extra. She has plans on JoshUA going to Penn State and bought out the online bookstore.
Joe and Teresa are helping to clean out Grandpa Eyebrows house. Ugh this is heartbreaking. Grandpa is going to go live with Teresa, which is probably not the worst idea. She could use the extra eyes and set of hands and he needs to not be alone. Teresa bemoans the time she was “away” as lost time with her mom. The only snarky thing I am going to say about this whole scene is that I can see where Teresa gets her interior inspirations from.
Time to check in at ENVY and Serious Businesswoman Melissa Gorga. Melissa is the world’s worst actress and walks in all OMG I love my store because I LOVE EVERTYTHING IN HERE!!!!! Rompers and tight little dresses for everyone!!!!!!!!!
The Pink Swan would never let her have an entire wall and table dedicated to ENVY by Melissa Gorga poly/cotton blend t-shirts and baseball caps
She does however get into the well-publicized story of how her former business partner Jackie liquidated what was left of the store that they co-owned by clearing out the inventory and handing it all over to Kim D. So, shady and as soon as I read it on the gossip sites I prayed that they would cover it on the show and not try to use some lame cover to explain it away. According to Melissa they were in the middle of negotiating the terms of the dissolving the business when Jackie broke in the middle of the night and took everything. I am dubious if that’s exactly how it happened but at least she has some yes ma’am cronies working in her store to reassure her that she’s the best boss bitch in the world. Melissa compares Kim D to a rat looking for a piece of cheese and does her best Jack Nicholson.
The name of her next single when this shit show goes tits up
Back at Teresa’s house she is showing off to Gia the new duds she bought for Grandpa Eyebrows while waiting for her brother Joe to come and take all the kids and her dad to dinner. A flower delivery arrives from Danielle and Grandpa Eyebrows ask who Danielle is, Gia reminds him that who made mom flip the table. Aw, precious mother/daughter moments. Teresa tells us what we already know that while she was “away” she had a lot of time to reflect and when she got out she called upon Danielle to yoga with her and the rest is current gossip history. However, she does worry about her getting too clingy.
Teresa’s friends arrive with a ton of food and wine. I will give credit where credit is due she calls out Caymus wine that one of her friends brought over. Having been gifted a bottle straight from the vineyard I will admit that stuff is good shit. Siggy arrives with more food and of course Delores is there too. Delores announces her big news that Frank has moved back in and yes, she is still dating the doctor who delivers babies. Teresa wants to know how he took the news about Frank and Dolores says he’s fine with it because he assumes that with Frank there she will be more willing to leave Frankie for sleepovers. They toast to Teresa’s mom and she admits that it still doesn’t feel real, like she keeps expecting her to walk in the door. I know how she feels. Siggy and all the other ladies agree Teresa has been through a lot and they all should go to Boca to blow off some steam and celebrate Melissa’s birthday. What I find hilarious is that some of Teresa’s actual friends are at this dinner and they woo hoo like they are actually going on this cast trip.
Before Boca we get a speaking engagement with Siggy at Prism Med Spa. To say that Siggy is feeling herself is putting it lightly. She says soup to nuts what she has to say is the best thing ever for anyone who wants to feel inspired. But really this all about meeting the new wife Margaret, whose employee Jody is a devotee to the Siggy Flicker method.
She beats to her own drum – Siggy Flicker
Siggy gives this talk about finding love again after failing at her marriage and even though she looks like a sex doll it was hard for her and the secret is……. To know your worth and “a man’s rejection is god protection,” wow, mind-blowing. This event has all the energy of when Carrie held a class at the learning annex on how to meet men on SATC. But at the end of the event she does invite Margaret to meet them all in Boca, we at least this new inductee feels somewhat organic.
Packing montage, Dolores is worried about Frank and Frankie being alone. Teresa is worried about her kids being alone with Grandpa Eyebrows and Gia lets her know she needs a bigger swimsuit. Siggy is making Michael help her pack and Melissa tells Joe that when he is Mister mom it makes her throb for Tarzan. Gross.
Siggy is excited to take the girls to Boca to meet her people. Melissa is all about meeting some Boca bitches, I think Melissa might PTSD from the Boca Bitches who attacked her for slutting around with their boyfriends and her exotic frizzy hair. The girls are staying in some beautiful water view suites and Teresa addresses the question we all were wondering, yes, she is still on probation but she can now travel more than 300 miles from home. The ladies get ready for dinner and we get a little more on Margaret.
A powerhouse in pigtails
She describes herself as the founder of a multi-million dollar business, the MacBeth Collection by Margaret Josephs whose aesthetic is Lilly Pulitzer on crack.
Brought to you by the impulse buy shelves at Nordstrom Rack
She works out of her home with a sassy bunch of gals, who know an elephant dick when they see one and her mom Marge.
I once knew a Margaret who had a mother named Marge and they were both certified badasses
We meet her husband Joe who she met when she hired him as a contractor to do some work on her and her then husband’s house.
It was quite the scandal. Margaret arrives and hikes up her leggings before going up to meet the girls in the suites. Immediately Melissa’s inner Boca Bitch come out and she remarks about meeting a grown woman wearing pigtails and Teresa asks her if she is a natural blonde. Margaret tells her she isn’t going to drop her pants right here and prove it to her.
The ladies head to New York Prime for dinner and Melissa tells them on the way there that she texted her husband her first naked picture.
Says the woman who is often on display
They enter the restaurant and this happens.
Hi everybody it’s me Siggy
The whole restaurant is beyond thrilled, I mean just look at these faces.
Siggy swans around like the belle of the ball while Melissa and Teresa look horrified. Yes, I totally understand how embarrassing that someone walk into a public place and make and ass of themselves.
http://<div style=”width:100%;height:0;padding-bottom:63%;position:relative;”><iframe src=”https://giphy.com/embed/135KrgRFPb2dZ6″ width=”100%” height=”100%” style=”position:absolute” frameBorder=”0″ class=”giphy-embed” allowFullScreen></iframe></div><p><a href=”https://giphy.com/gifs/art-angry-teresa-giudice-135KrgRFPb2dZ6″>via GIPHY</a></p>
All the ladies look like they want to disappear under the table. Siggy returns with an appetizer and orders the waiter, someone she is friendly with not Alfredo, to bring her a bottle of the best champagne, drinks, bread and some of that ass.
Margaret settles ins and tells them about the meetings she has took that day, namely her shoe guy. Teresa asks is she has a shoe line and Margaret obliges that she has a shoe line, a home line, etc. Melissa says she is like Martha Stewart and Siggy corrects her and says she is Margaret Stewart.
Siggy casually bring up what will be her producer appointed storyline for this season, Michael is happy for her success but wants her slow it down and be at home. BUT SHE LOVES being an inspirational speaker because it gives her life and she can’t imagine giving it up. Melissa, she appointed of the serious businesswoman too busy for her man storyline last season says she understands. Margaret who hasn’t quite learned the game yet tries to relate and talks about running out on her marriage with the contractor. Siggy transitions in the worst way and is all here we are (no just you) talking about how our men want us to quit our jobs and Teresa can’t slow down because she has to work. <Insert sad face>
For the second time that night Teresa makes this face… blink, blink… blink, blink
Ugh, I would have been so pissed but Teresa has really learned to keep her calm and says she loves being busy. What she misses the most about Joe being gone is having a partner AND what angers her is that had things been done the right way, had he put her and the girls first they would have never been in this position. The ladies are taken back by this “emotional revelation” from Teresa and Dolores, says she always said Teresa would never leave Joe but that was before she lost her mom. Siggy invites Margaret to come again the next night for Melissa’s birthday surprise.
The next morning, we are treated to some early morning facetime sex chatter with Joe and Melissa where he talks about Tarzan and she tells him about his sister’s emo moment at dinner the night before. Teresa gets a call from Gia and Grandpa Eyebrows who claims that he trapped in a car with Mr. Magoo. Dolores talks to Frankie’s college tutor who informs her that he has not applied to college and leaves the poor woman in tears.
The four ladies meet for breakfast the next morning or at least coffee and breakfast cocktails when guess who comes strutting towards the table.
That’s right bitches, she’s back
So, the preview makes it look like this is the first time they are all meeting up since forever but as we see they have been filming together at parties and such so, I guess her showing up on this trip is really more of the surprise even though there was talk of her doing so. Danielle seems to be just as cautious on this new-found friendship as Teresa is and is hoping for an apology.
Girl I wouldn’t hold your breath
Danielle says there is some stuff they all need to talk about good and bad but she won’t start on the dark side right away. Dolores taking the role of the Greek chorus this season says that everyone seems so excited Danielle is back and is she the only that remembers she’s crazy. LOL, NO!
Immediately Danielle brings up Kim D, the stolen burned car with bodies inside and her son.
You know, this one
That was a shit crazy story that came out in between seasons and I am glad they are talking about it as opposed to past seasons where they have tried to pretend the things that don’t happen when the cameras aren’t rolling. They all agree it was terrible but fortunate that it wasn’t Kim D’s son in the car. Danielle remarks how she hasn’t seen her since she orchestrated the set-up at the Posche Fashion show for her to get her extensions ripped out. Teresa admits her role in that mess and they laugh. Melissa says if that’s the last time she saw Kim she super lucky and they shit talk UNTIL Siggy reminds them she is still her friend. Melissa tells her even if she kisses her ass Kim D is still going to back stab her.
If looks could kill
The ladies get ready for a boat ride and Margaret arrives and meets Danielle. Audriana calls her mom in tears over her grandma and it’s very sad. The ladies arrive at Shooters for Melissa’s birthday dinner and as they sit Danielle tells Margaret that she isn’t great with outsiders and wants to know what her intentions are.
Really bitch I want to know what your end game is because only one of us will be airbrushed into the inexplicably bright yellow opening sequence next to a lighted bridge.
She tells her dance one the table and then she will feel better, Margaret says she’s not the skinniest girl and she might break the table. Melissa wearing the glow of day drinking says this going to best birthday ever. Danielle asks her why she doesn’t drink. Margaret admits it’s a control thing but also because gets terrible migraines and the medication doesn’t permit her to BUT her one thing she does do is Pot Puss. A spray that is put on the vagina before sex to heighten the experience. Teresa may not fully understand what this because she thinks she needs some since it’s been so long for her. Then the oysters on the half shell arrive.
Shots start going down at Shooters and Melissa tells the story on how Teresa ratted her out to Joe about dancing with a male stripper at her bachelorette party. Teresa and Melissa laugh about how they used to hate each other which is admittedly still weird but refreshing. Margaret admits that her husband gets jealous too and Melissa is like I don’t like calling it jealousy as much as I like to think its respect. Siggy agrees and says its such a turn on for her.
OMG you have to be fucking kidding me
She asks Siggy if what they were talking about last night is just about control and Siggy says no because I didn’t marry a pussy, I married a man.
I looked up man in the dictionary and I didn’t see a picture of Michael Campanella there
Siggy starts crying and talking about how god gave her a gift and she the most talented person in the world.
Really the most talented, has she never heard of Michael Jackson? Madonna?
Margaret doesn’t seem to understand that this Siggy’s producer appointed storyline and asks her why she can’t have both. Then all the other ladies weigh in and suddenly Siggy can’t talk about it anymore and throws her red wine down. Danielle tells Margaret under her breath that if that would have gotten on her she would flipped out and they check her white blouse for spots. Suddenly a cake arrives out of nowhere and Siggy is saved from saying anymore by the cake.
I want to go there
Siggy explains how she had a pastry chef make this based on a picture on ENVY, very thoughtful, very pretty and she even let her time travel, Melissa is only turning 6.
Teresa starts to give a heartfelt speech to toast Melissa and after she says she is the sister she never had Melissa starts in on impression of Teresa and they start smashing cake on each other.
I love that Margaret is so new at this she doesn’t know not to break the 4th wall
They continue throwing things and Siggy is mortified and upset. On one hand I get it, she put a lot into this cake and celebration. However, they have been drinking all day and look at them, they aren’t going to eat fat and carbs.
Siggy is giving them the mean mommy guilt trip and disses Mrs. Fields cookie cakes when Margaret pipes in….
Go fuck yourself
Well, well, well that was some first episode. I think I understand why Margaret got the official title of housewife it looks like her and Siggy are really going to go at it this season. Frankly when I had been reading what all the ladies had been saying about this season I was nervous. The viewer in me loves when they say things like, “it’s going to be the most epic season ever,” but it makes the recapper in me nervous because it’s like taking drugs and waiting for them to kick in…. you are never sure when it’s going to happen OR if its going to happen at all. I AM SOOOOOOO excited to have new stuff to cover and discuss this year. So, what did you all think? Are you excited about Danielle’s return? What about Margaret? Are you thrilled that the Jac Attack didn’t come back? Let me know in the comments below!