Thanks for all the love and discussion after the first ep. We may not like this show, but we LOVE to make fun of it.
After tribal, Chrissy interviews that she’s no longer on the bottom, because Alan is. I guess you spell “delusion” C-H-R-I-S-S-Y. Her reason for not using the Super II? She wants to use it as a decoy later if she needs it. I begrudgingly give her props for that.
Alan interviews that TRIBAL was INTENSE and he never wants to go back. He didn’t expect “fists to start flying like that”.
1. Did they edit all the good stuff out of the Tribal I saw?
2. Which reality show did you think you were on, Alan? The Great British Baking Show?
That Technical Challenge was intense! I should have used salted butter!
Alan thinks his plan to plant suspicion about Ash & JP as a power couple was effective. Chrissy and Ben console Ashley, saying they don’t believe Alan’s accusations (wink, wink). Ashley vehemently denies (again) being part of a power couple with JP.
Who wouldn’t want to be in a power couple with this guy? Own it, Ashley!
Ben thinks the Core Four alliance is toast and it’s now every Hero for himself.
The next morning, at the Hustlers tribe, Devon does a flip into the ocean so near to the beach that I’m afraid he’s hit his head on the shallow bottom. Honestly, would it make a difference if he did? Boring scenes of camp life, with everyone working … except Simone, who’s edited to look like she’s just sitting around, being lazy, and getting accosted by bugs. Ryan interviews that he and Devon are brothers from another mother,
and he’s getting along with everyone on his tribe … maybe not Simone, but no one has a connection with Simone because “she’s weird”.
That’s the turtleneck calling the fire truck red!
Hilariously, the closed captioning on my tv translates Ryan’s words “not Simone” as “Nazi moan”. Best part of the show, and it’s not even part of the show. Simone triumphantly returns to camp from the ocean and declares to the tribe that she has taken her first shit in the water. She is on Cloud Nine.
That was some good shit, man.
I could have lived the rest of my life without thinking about those poor Fijians swimming around in entitled millenial American waste. Simone interviews and also chats with her tribe about how hhaaaaaaaaaaarrrrd it is to be outside without air conditioning or brains. Maybe it’s all an act, because then Simone interviews that she’s “good under pressure”.
Anal pressure, that is
Simone volunteers to gut a tiny fish and they all watch her do it, encouraging her like they’re watching a baby … take her first shit in the ocean. Simone voiceovers that she’s got ten siblings so she is a natural born hustler. Oh no … there are more Simones. She and Ali walk to get water and Ali is nice to her in the same way that Ryan was nice to Devon.
At Healers, Jessica is spearfishing (poorly) and Cole is sunbathing on the raft, cheering her on, just like a trophy boyfriend should. He says she’s cute but she’s turning 30
So her life is basically over
and she probably just thinks of him as a little kid.
The things I could teach you, boy … about “spears” … and “fishing” …
Mike and Joe are talking to Desi at camp. Desi was Miss Virginia 2013 and Miss Virginia 2016, one year for the Miss USA pageant and the Miss America version for the other year. Holy shit! She actually worked the system and used the scholarships to become a debt-free physical therapist. Donald Trump must love her.
Newsflash: You don’t HAVE to put yourself through school by stripping! You can do it for just one night, answer inane questions, smile hard, and eventually you get your Ph.D. and go teach at an HBCU.
Joe uses this Desi-kicked-life-in-the-nuts opportunity to call Mike out for being ugly. I’m so glad Joe has moved from verbally abusing Mike in private to abusing him in public, too. Joe thinks he’s convinced the rest of the tribe that Mike probably has an idol. Joe believes he is in control of the Healers. Desi, Roark and Mike leave to get water and since Jess & Cole are “fishing”, Joe takes the short opportunity to REALLY mimic Officer Tony and run around looking for the idol. He doesn’t find the idol but he does find a clue painted on the side of a tree.
They’re really dumbing these clues down. I wonder why.
Joe thinks it’s a picture of the raft, and that the idol is buried five feet from the raft. Since Cole’s been out fishing for a few hours, Joe has to talk to him and find out if he’s found the idol near the raft. Dude, rafts move. I. can’t. even. Side note: I paused the show to try to read Joe’s stupid tattoo about fatherhood. I gave up and then I looked up at his face. I jumped a little. Scary AF.
Joe’s dead eyes make Great Whites’ eyes look friendly.
Joe shows Cole the clue. Cole tells Joe that the picture is not a raft, it’s the symbol for the well … the same symbol for the well that was on their map to find their beach. When a guy who says he’s “aside himself” [with glee] makes you look dumb, it may be time to hang up your adulting belt, Joe. Cole interviews that it’s in his nature, as a wilderness therapy guide, to help people achieve their goals. Since Joe would never have figured out the idol clue without him, Cole thinks Joe sees him as a good resource now.
Joe and Cole sneak around the camp perimeter to the well. Digging together, Joe does grab the idol and then he and Cole unwrap it and confirm it’s an idol. Joe interviews that Cole knows too much and knowledge can be dangerous.
I will gut you, Zac Efron.
At Heroes it’s Day 5 and JP caught a lobster that everyone gets to enjoy. JP interviews that he’s used to getting shit done and he’s still pissed about the power couple label, especially since he’s not getting any benefits from it — physically or strategically. Poor guy. I’m sure Ashley could rectify that situation if he just asked her.
Chrissy and JP go to wash dishes and they discuss whether they should ally because no one would suspect it.
You’re so unf*&kable.
Chrissy decides instead to ally with Ben, because everyone is dumb (except Ashley is just untrustworthy) and Ben is a good social player so Chrissy can use that to complement her game. Way to stereotype everyone else.
At Hustlers, Devon’s doing yoga and everyone else is watching Pubetrick face his fear of crabs.
Dude, we’re all afraid of crabs. That’s why Jim Carrey doesn’t have a fan club anymore.
Pubetrick interviews that all his yelling and jumping around and clownin’ is his strategy because no one will see him as a threat. Lauren sees him as a threat to her sanity, though.
Hey, Lauren, don’t you want your fishing boat back?
Ali and Lauren discuss how Pubetrick’s getting on everyone’s nerves. I don’t know if his ears are burning or if he’s just a psychopath, but Alan, take note:
This is how you do crazy eyes.
Immunity Challenge time! Jeff’s getting a little woozy in the heat and is prepping for a menage a trois.
The tall one is a butter face but look at that rack!
This challenge is on the water. As cattyfan pointed out in a comment on EP1, good call on getting rid of the oldish Olympic swimmer, Heroes. It’s not like you need a great swimmer in most of these challenges.
The tribes are standing on floating docks. Three people from each tribe must swim out to their color coded lifesaver rings with a mesh center that they pull over to a buoy. Then the tribe members take turns diving under the water and untying knots trapping three bundles of puzzle pieces in cage chutes. The untied bundles must then be manipulated through the chute to be released up to the surface and placed on to the mesh lifesaver rings.
Man, the Survivor production assistants have to work hard to set up these stupid challenges.
Once all three bundles of puzzle pieces have been collected, the trio has to swim the net ring over to another floating dock where the two remaining tribe members use the pieces to finish a signpost puzzle. The trick is to make sure you set up the puzzle pieces (of varying lengths) in a configuration that allows the signpost to spin without the signs hitting the stationary piece of the puzzle. Words are hard.
Can you tell I don’t have Jeff Probst’s puzzle description writers on my staff?
First place wins immunity and a Robinson Crusoe-worthy fishing kit. Second place gets immunity and some fishing line and lures.
Hustlers, raise your hand if you know how to fish.
Since Healers and Hustlers have six tribe members and this challenge calls for five participants, Joe and Lauren sit out. It’s not very exciting, but when Devon pops up with the first bundle, Ryan gives him an “Atta buoy!” No one gets the joke because Ryan is weird.
The tribe members have to take lots of breaks and tag out, which is understandable … except Devon. He’s kicking ass for the Hustlers. Maybe he is slightly Ozzy-ish. Heroes aren’t too far behind them but the Healers are dead last. We all know it doesn’t matter because challenge-ending puzzles are the great equalizer.
Ryan, Devon and Pubetrick hand off the puzzle pieces to Ali and Simone to complete. Perhaps Lauren should NOT have sat out. Ben, Ashley and JP hand off their pieces to Alan and Chrissy. When the Healers finally get to the puzzle platform, Roark, Cole and Jessica hand off to Mike and Desi.
Healers win handily while the Heroes and Hustlers fight for second. Cole has some great advice for the two Hustler puzzlers.
Poor Devon. All that work for nothing. Jedi mind tricks won’t work now.
Hustlers lose to the Heroes. Don’t worry guys, people blow huge leads all the time.
Ask the Atlanta Falcons.
Back at camp, Simone works on damage control and interviews that she now has to “shape the narrative”. She says that over and over. I can tell she works at a non-profit. Ugh.
I am highly articulate. And I’m just smart enough to let Ryan and Ali think I’m smart.
Ugh again. Ali and Ryan interview and chat that it’s between Simone and Pubetrick. I can’t stand these stereotypes that the tribe “leaders” are feeding into. Boys are
stupid predictable and girls are smart dangerous. That’s so Season 7.
TRIBAL! Highbrow Ryan tries (unsuccessfully) to compare Tribal Council to a birthday party no one wants to go to because it’s for a kid nobody likes. Lauren says it’s a funeral. I heart her. No bullshit from this fisherman. Ali wants to keep tribe harmony. Pubetrick wants to keep the tribe strong. Simone admits she sucked ass at the challenge but says they can count on her trustworthiness if they keep her. Pubetrick “accidentally” says he trusts “most” of “the crew” instead of “all” of the tribe members and jokes are made. Jeesh. Then suddenly, a revelation: No one wants to go home! Wow!
You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you.
Wait … do I want to go home? Is that the point of the game?
It’s SIMONE! She voted for Pubetrick but everyone else voted for her. Simone is sad … but also bitter. I read an interview online in which Simone snarked that Ali was always going to get rid of her instead of P. Apparently, Ali and Pubetrick went to college together and Ali was loyal to him. ‘Til next time, loyal viewers.