Welcome back, my beautiful trashies, to the Shahs. I hope you survived last week’s doozy of an episode. I’m still reeling from MJ’s self-interested meltdown. I was left to wonder if that fight was the true height of the Shahs and whether we are now are on the decline. Sigh. It would be nice to know when we are in the bad old days while we are in them instead of having to appreciate them long after they have passed.
This show has become so crazy the Previously On is itself a show. Previously: Adam wants to make a baby from a Reza/Adam cocktail (doctor warns of the chance of the surrogate giving birth to either a ginger or Satan), GG got a hearing aid (and forgot to act like she could hear better afterwards/limps out of the office), Mike was emotionally injured by his wife rudely leaving him after his rampant cheating, and MJ imploded and then exploded all over Tommy.
The show drops us back where we left off last week: MJ telling Tommy that everything is always about her always and he should never call her again.
Whyyyyy am I still here?
MJ again says she will leave and bang a random dude and get pregnant that way. I love a 45 year old who thinks that she’s 15 and all it will take is one stupid drunk night and she will be on 16 and Pregnant.
Soon, the harsh light, which is the only kind of light that shines on MJ, of day hits MJ and her filthy feet.
No, you’re right, you should totally have a child. Do you think Asa wakes up like this??
MJ wakes up covered in dirt, inexplicably, and swatting away her dogs, predictably. She has not one single nurturing bone in her body. Then, with some impressive camera work (someone’s trying to get Ron Howard to notice!), we pull back and see that dirty MJ is in bed with Tommy.
I actually gasped. Send help for Tommy.
Tommy reaches over to hug and kiss MJ and she screams stop. Great morning, guys. Tommy reveals that he got home at MIDNIGHT. Midnight. The last half of last week took place well before the wee hours of the night. These people need some 12 steps. Apparently at midnight, the future mother of the year was passed out cold and Tommy crawled into bed.
Fresh like daisy.
MJ recaps last night: “Last night you were coming at me really hard.” Right. Solid nut-shelling from the lady who screeched about the dude she has one speed dial for his seed. Tommy, a saint, calmly (for Tommy, anyway) reiterates that this is about them being prepared and ready for parenthood.
What part of me is not ready to care for another life??
Tommy is no dummy. MJ turns on the waterworks. Tommy still makes her make the commitment to being adults. Not even being healthy. Just being as adult as people in their early 20s/late teens.
No, babe, you still have to cut it back to one bottle of Jose per day.
MJ writes out their parenting affirmations on the walls they never got around to painting. So far: she can’t spell ANYTHING. Half her wall is going to be crossed out “words”. MJ finishes the reconciliation list with a dig at Asa: she and Tommy have to get married so that they don’t have a bastard likesomepeoplearehavingnotnamingnames.
Dumb, dumb bitch.
We next pick up with Mike, who is heading to his attorney’s office to talk about his divorce. You can tell that he is sad because he is wearing his saddest chain and he barely tried when he applied his 3rd layer of foundation this morning.
I can look sad and tinder all at once.
Mike adds that Jessica’s attorney made this whole thing super difficult. Mike attorney does not respond and summarizes the settlement: Mike keeps everything in his name (hair gel, 13 baby shoes, and 1 crate of Mac Face and Body) and Jessica keeps everything in her name (apparently she also got custody of the family jeweler)
The most important line in a divorce decree.
Mike signs for his divorce and…. In a few short months he will officially be divorced. Very anti-climactic.
I like that this show does not do transitions at all. Mike leaves his attorney’s office while talking about how they are all going to New York for GG’s show. What? Since when? They may as well show us a picture of the cast call sheets and say into the camera that they all refuse to set any of this shit up.
Now we are in NYC. It’s evening time. Whatever.
They arrive at the townhouse and prepare to tear it down, one tequila shot at a time. The townhouse comes with room service and they are all so excited to have someone bring them things! Like these idiots ever get anything for themselves. Ever.
Remind me again what a concierge does?
Tommy checks out his and MJ’s room and announces it is fit to pork in. Everyone talks about who will be able to hear them boning and from what distance away. Sounds like a terrible trip and like the producers wanted to punish the cast by getting a townhouse and not hotel rooms with separate doors and space from the sweaty bangers.
Now we transition into Mike’s favorite hobby: yelling at or about women. He told Reza and Adam to get remarried by a Rabbi tomorrow so that they will be married by an honest person (not Asa). And with that, he’s off, yelling about Asa lying about her baby, etc.
It’s that she’s a woman, that’s the worst part, am I right boys?
Adam and GG both yell back that this is not any of their business and Mike says that his life shouldn’t be any of Asa’s then either. Good come back.
You should have refused when I invited you over to help me pretend to be sad about my wife.
Mike is such an angry little gremlin. And the flashbacks are not kind to his face. Bro is aging like a pair of crusty socks.
Apparently Shalom is displeased that GG’s acting gig requires her to make out with a non-gay dude on stage.
Pause for food break.
Shalom lets us know that he met GG on J Date. Because GG wanted to date a Jew. I would argue that GG had enough bad local press that she needed to cast the widest net possible, but sure. Racist Mike makes a face as he points out how many ethnicities and colors GG has dated. But he likes the Jew, so it all worked out. Mike is a vile human.
The gang all does a cheers to GG getting her life together and being able to hear. Then, they all start hammering Shalom on how he feels about his girl practically boning a guy on stage. He freaks out. He calls GG a “that” that he will have to kiss after another man has his hands on Shalom’s property. Wow. No wonder Mike loves him.
Mike doles out some solid advice that has nothing to do with a controlling man upset about his girlfriend neglecting to tell him something important: “Is my ego my Amigo?” Mike advice is the worst and at this point is more of a random selection of words than actual advice.
Shalom makes a graceful exit.
Shalom rages about why she would do something like this if she is not broke. Ummm she’s not whoring herself out. At least not in the traditional way. In a way, all of you are whoring yourselves out by being on the Shahs of Sunset, but Shalom is on the same show so that point is a wash.
MJ gives some insight into the realities of possessive Persian men. Mike agrees with Shalom and reminds GG that Shalom can take care of her so she doesn’t need to be a whore.
The best therapy session ever recorded by Bravo.
Sooo Shalom seems like an aggressive, angry jerk who has been hiding his true nature for weeks of filming. He seems kind of scary and extremely controlling. For once, GG seems like the calm one. He insinuates that is abandoning his Jewish family to date GG. Reza grins from ear to ear, for at long last, he can make this fight about HIM and HIS struggles with families torn apart.
Wait, how did we become the therapists of the trip? Is this right? This doesn’t seem right.
MJ tells GG to just tell Shalom what he wants to hear, like women through countless ages have always done. Tommy, my new favorite, hollers through the house to MJ the most romantic words a lady can hear (you’ll want to pull up your fainting couch for this one, ladies), “Babe!! Wanna fuck?”
If only GG could find a man whose desires are so pure and whose memory of rage is so short.
Hilariously, GG agrees to tell Shalom that she will do the play for one day only, out of respect for him. HAHAHA. Like she was ever going to do more than one show.
GG and Shalom talk and Shalom looks away, praying for dawn. GG kicks up the drama because she can sense the cameramen dozing off and her cast-mates are bored enough that they have all left the room too.
I am Angry!!
The group places themselves nearby to listen to the fight. They are interested, but not so interested that they stop eating for even one second.
Shalom packs his things and leaves. Reza points out that GG wouldn’t have these problems if she were a gay man and married to a tame ginger who does as he is told and whose worst quality is wanting a baby.
Adam is a sweetheart and a true friend when his husband is too busy eating to pretend to be one.
Everyone heads to bed, the committed folks humble bragging about how there was no yelling in their relationships. Well not today, anyway.
GG sneaks out to go meet up with Shalom. The night before her show. Girl, get some sleep.
Reza wakes everyone up with his usual shrieking that he dubs a Persian alarm clock. Now that’s a good business plan: Reza should make an alarm clock whose only ringer is his voice. People across the country would wake up hours early for work out of the sheer fear of having to hear the sound of Reza.
1. A Reza alarm is the worst thing I can imagine.
2. Solid cross-promotion, The Voice
Reza takes us into GG’s room, where she is putting on knee socks over her leggings. Seems like the house does not come with heat. Shalom is in bed with GG, so that relationship seems solid.
Is that wedding bells or crashing plates?
GG heads downstairs and explains that he met up with Shalom and… now they are engaged. I’m sorry, WHAT? Did I hear that correctly?
Most happy marriages begin with angry threats.
The tackiest of all proposals.
What is actually happening? Are they both insane? Did Shalom already have the Times Square proposal planned and didn’t want it to go to waste? I knew they end up married, but I thought it wouldn’t be for months and would take place at least a full day after a fight.
Dear god, woman, put your tits awayyyyyyy
Mike is disgusted and yet impressed that GG has finally found someone who is as crazy as she is. Reza and Adam can’t fake smiles any longer, so they head off to the Rabbi to learn how to raise kids Jewish.
Reza identifies Jewish values as reducing your carbon footprint and making the world a better place because no one is as amazing as you. I’m not sure those are Jewish-specific values, but I’m sure it doesn’t matter because Reza will not be doing either.
Let’s start over. What do you think Judaism is?
Bad news for Reza: the Rabbi and his husband also used surrogacy to have their child. Reza looks pisssssed. He was hoping that the Rabbi would use his religious leadership to strike down Adam’s plan. The Rabbi also explains that it’s not that hard for him to explain to his child where she came from and even though Reza and Adam are idiots, they shouldn’t have trouble either.
The rest of the group heads off the jewelry shop where Flawless works aka the man currently shtupping Mike’s ex wife. HAHAHA. Imagine his little stupid weasel face when this episode aired.
Mike is proud of MJ for spending money on herself because money is the best way to assign a value to a woman and she bought herself an $8,000 watch, so she is worth at least that much.
Yay! I have value.
MJ presents Tommy with his gift of a Cartier watch. He is pleased. MJ is mostly pleased with herself and her ability to give expensive gifts and what that means about her.
Reza suggests planning a big party for all their families and friends aka the Finale party. Amazing. These dummies refuse flat to make a transition this season. I love it.
My pits do NOT stink!
Mike refuses to bring a girl because the psychology of women suggests that they will demand things from you (like fidelity) if you bring them to meet friends. I can only imagine the horrors.
MJ and GG predict that they will be back together. Reza says that he must try to get Jessica back again one more time. Should we go back to the watch store and ask Flawless? Bwahahahaha
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