Previously on the RHOC, Lydia announced the Balls Voyage party to honor Dough’s vasectomy. Next week, Tamra has a cotillion for her anal wart. Kelly had her tits lopped off, and has since made an appointment to have that, unsightly, 180 lb albatross around her neck removed as well – as she announced she and Psycho Mike are divorcing.
Even Stevie Wonder saw this coming.
The other girls met for dinner, excluding Lydia, promptly parachuting from her Rainbow. The ladies questioned whether or not Piggs had the Cancer. And Vicki was diagnosed with Influenza BATWATKNUCKLE. It’s a new strain, and highly contagious.
There, I think that, just about, brings you up to speed.
The upbeat music starts and always makes me hopeful for the episode… but then DICKO appears, and MisRed’s eyes already begin to roll- it’s a pavlovian response at this point. He is asking Piggy for her opinion on his wardrobe choice for Dough’s Balls Voyage party.
Can you believe it girls, I’m selling fugly shoes?
He has bought some Louboutins that look like a pair of slippers from the Countess LuAnn collection for Ross Dress for Less.
Over at Kelly’s, she offers Michael a dose of Scrotox. He declines.
Lydia’s Boat… courtesy of Rent-a-Center
Dough and Lydia go to the marina and board their boat (supposedly) to get to another boat for the Balls Voyage party.
They pop a bottle of champagne and the cork goes into the water. They look at it like- oh that’s so cute.
Cheers Fish! RIP! Yeahhhh!!!!!
That’s going to get caught in a whale’s blow hole you mother*ckers.
The Sea was angry that day, my friends.
They arrive at the actual BOAT, which they don’t own, and Meghan and Boring Jim Edmonds arrive. Lydia has arranged for 7 shrimp cocktail for her guest.
This is good as an app for Shannon, but what is everyone else going to eat?
Dumb Jim Edmonds offers his advice to Dough to keep an ice bag handy after the vasectomy. Dough is confused because he knows Jim and Meghan just had a baby. Uh… duh, apparently Dough didn’t watch Season 11 and Meghan’s IVF Journey to future-single-Motherhood.
Yeah, I wasted by boys on Meghan.
Jim explains that he had saved some jizz and Meghan forced him to use it on her instead of on one of his next 7 wives.
Inside the boat, Lydia asks Meghan how the previous evening’s dinner was- and that she felt awkward calling in the middle of it, and she felt left out. Meghan apologizes for not thinking to include her in the dinner- especially since Meghan flipped her sh*t on Lydia for not thinking that Kelly was wrong for THE TEXT.
The Text heard round the world
For those of you born yesterday… Meghan texted Kelly asking her if she had a boyfriend. And Kelly then retaliated and texted Meghan- when she was 7 months pregnant, to tell Meghan that she heard Jimmy was having an affair. Meghan was upset that Kelly would do that. I guess Tit for Tat doesn’t exist in Meghan’s world. Only Tit exists.
Lydia says that nobody called her after the dinner and she thought that they were all out getting “I hate Lydia” tattoos. Puhleeze, Lydia. Nobody cares about you enough to get a tattoo referencing you.
Psycho Mike, Kelly and her new juggs arrive. Tamra arrives solo because Eddie is still “at work” and then Shannon and David. David? David! arrive.
Lydia tells Dough they should greet Shannon even though every fiber of her being doesn’t want to greet Shannon.
Mighty Christian of you, I must say.
Again, for you new arrivals, Lydia and Shannon had a misunderstanding. They then made up. And then Shannon arranged a dinner and didn’t include Lydia.
Oh, Pigs and Dicko snuck in without my seeing it arrive.
Tamra wonders if Piggy is mad at Kelly for the night before (Kelly made fun of Piggy for not knowing what “Peanut gallery” meant. Seriously, these are the things these people get mad about. Lydia was like “What happened.” And Piggy says, “Oh you weren’t there- because I invited everybody and then excluded you.”
On Wednesdays we wear pink
Lydia says, “Oh that was you?”
Then Tamra blames Meghan and then Kelly, then Kelly blames Shannon and then blames Tamra.
Then Shannon eats.
Lydia walks away. Nice job girls- you are all assholes.
Lydia is excited for Dough’s vasectomy because she can “go off the pill.” Trust me, honey, you need to get on a few more pills. Shannon says, “David just waited until I went through menopause, so he didn’t have to do anything.”
Outside, Dicko asks Dough why he’s having the vasectomy? “You don’t have discipline? You can’t pull out?” Sanks God MisRed has not had breakfast yet.
Dough asks what Dicko does for birth control? MisRed has blocked out the answer. But in fairness, just look at him- if he didn’t have a fat wallet, every vagina within a 3-mile radius would shrivel up and hang out a sign saying, “Permanently Closed.”
Dicko explains that all of these years- Piggy was on the pill, until Piggy had “the cancer.” But “now, supposedly, the pill causes cancer.” (Not a new finding Surgeon General Dicko). David has since slithered up and says that he was unaware the Piggy has Cancer.
She doesn’t not not have cancer, not.
Then… Dicko gives Dough and David the same run-around that Piggy gave the girls. He said “2 weeks prior to the mastectomy, her biopsy came back clear…even though the “Barrack” test came back negative…” so they found a 20mm bump, in there they found 3mm that were cancerous.
David is confused. David, welcome to the party, we are all confused.
Dicko then just repeats everything. And it’s no clearer.
Lydia goes to get Dough for a toast. A toast to Dough’s balls.
Lydia announces that Dough requested a “snip gift.” Piggy is confused, because she got no push presents. We never see what the snip gift actually is.
The party boat never leaves the dock.
Sorry I was a betch, betch.
Inside, Tamra apologizes to Piggy for not intervening the night before when Kelly was accosting Piggy. Tamra says she woke up and felt bad.
Photographic evidence of Tamra waking up in the morning.
Then Piggy is afraid of Kelly’s purse because it’s snake skin. And Kelly mocks her in confessional.
If Peggy is afraid of snakes… she’s on the wrong show.
The only thing MisRed fears more than snakes is babies.
Oh god. In the preview of upcoming scenes, I think Vicki’s vagina might be exposed.
Dough goes in for his vasectomy. Who cares. We don’t need to even recap this scene. Lydia says a prayer over Dough’s apple bag.
Cut to Kelly calling Vicki. They go to some bullshit strip mall – something- and get colonics.
Looks real legit
Before Vicki arrives, Kelly asks the poop extractor to measure Vicki’s colonic waste because she’s certain Vicki “is more full of shit than I am.” Possibly.
Then Vicki arrives and tells us that she “never poos so I’m sure I’m full to the brim.” Trust MisRed, Vicki, you are full of shit. And no casserole is going to help that, cuz casseroles are nothing but butt putty.
Did your Mom ever tell you that your face might freeze like that?
In Vicki’s case it could be an improvement.
Vicki thinks Poo is gross and her body doesn’t do it. Very mature.
We find out that Kelly told Vicki that the girls though that Vicki was over-exaggerating her Influenza B. Vicki has pulled an Aviva Drescher and has brought her medical records, highlighted, I might add, to PROVE that she had Influenza B.
Kelly interviews “Who carries their medical records with them?” Um, people who fake shit, that’s who.
Ooooh and it’s even highlighted…
Vicki interviews that she carries her medical records because she doesn’t want anyone talking crap about her anymore. Well, it’s going to take a lot more than a word document with an orange highlighter thrown in. Vicki says- “when you are sick nobody should question you. They should say ‘I’m sorry you are sick, here is a casserole!”
Vicki mimes the gifting of a casserole. #emmyworthy
Vicki is full of shit. The colonic confirms it. Although Vicki doesn’t know where her colon is located, and seemingly, neither does the poop extractor.
You’ll never un-see this.
Kelly is stunned by the visual of Vicki’s poop, because her poop looks nothing like that.
Your shit looks like shit.
Sorry, MisRed was feeling artsy…
Vicki says that she is 55 and she’s going to go to the cardiologist to get her hear checked. And she’s sure the doctor will say she will “die of a broken heart.” Kelly tells her to not even put that thought out into the universe, but asks why Vicki thinks this?
The rest of us do- why don’t you?
Vicki feigns tears and says “I’ve had so much bad stuff in my life- Brooks, the divorces, the friendships, what’s happened with Tamra, I don’t know why it can’t get fixed. It’s toxic and it smothers people.” Kelly thinks that Vicki just puts up a hard shell but that Vicki really needs to talk to Tamra.
OMG- I can’t. and MisRed is going to have a f*cking rant right now. Buckle up.
Dear Vicki- you selfish, delusional c*ntwaffle, you think your life is so hard and that you’ve had heartbreak? Every single problem you have had is SELF-CREATED. You let Brooks into your life, you ignored the warning signs that he was a bad person. You are 50% responsible for your divorces. You are 50% (or more) responsible for your issues with Tamra. So that’s all on you. Your life is a cakewalk compared to MOST people. You have never had a seriously illness, you have not lost a child, you get a new f*cking face every year, you have food on your table and a roof over your head. That makes you better off than a lot of people walking this earth. Your life is NO TRAGEDY. You have an INCREDIBLY, blessed life. It’s embarrassing how much you have and you appreciate NONE of it. What you need to do is take a little responsibility for your role in your own issues- stop bitching and stop wishing for casseroles, they will only add to your back fat. If you want a god-damn casserole, open up a Good Housekeeping from 1967 and make one yourself, you ungrateful, narcissistic, ho-bag, nasty, rubber-faced slag. Love, MisRed
Hang on, MisRed needs a CALMING visual…
Ok. Better. Thanks for waiting.
It’s Easter in the OC. Shannon’s Mom is visiting and they are making Easter baskets. Shannon talks to her Mom about her weight gain.
She starts to cry- she feels so terrible about her weight gain and she knows that David is disgusted by the whole thing- she blames herself and her weight gain for the distance she is feeling from David.
Shannon wonders if she will ever get over David’s affair. The answer is: No.
She asks her Mom how she got over her husband’s infidelity- her Mom tells her that she should concentrate on what’s important to her- and that’s her girls.
Shannon says she has an incredibly blessed life. Her Mom says she needs to go to the Doctor and get her health checked and make sure that her weight gain is only from Nachos and there isn’t something else wrong with her. Probably not a bad idea.
At Piggy’s house, they are making “Armenian Pastry.” Piggy says, “Easter is very important in an Armenian household because it’s the resurrection of Christ.”
Uh, yeah, that’s what Easter means in pretty much every Christian household. Except, of course, MisRed’s. At my house, it’s the resurrection of the PEEP.
And then they bit his ears off.
Piggy tells the Gias they met David for the first time the previous evening at the Balls Voyage Party. And that he felt VERY comfortable asking Dicko questions about Piggy’s health. OMG. I can’t. The reason people question it is not, necessarily, because they don’t “believe” Piggy- it’s not a Brook’s situation, it’s because the way you both explain it is CONFUSING. Piggy is very upset by it. Piggy thinks two things break a household “Divorce and Cancer.”
Um… she might want to recheck her math- there are a zillion things that can break a marriage. Leaving the seat up, eating the last Thai Shrimp Dumpling, Not replacing the toilet paper, a rubber band around the sink sprayer, running out of wine during a hurricane…
Lydia and Dough are at Lydia’s Pothead Mother’s house- who has gotten a blow-out for the occasion. They are dying the eggs for Easter.
Hash cookies anyone?
It’s a filler scene.
Over at Shannon’s, they are preparing tons of food for dinner. Shannon and David are making passive aggressive jabs at each other. Shannon’s mother asks about Sophie’s driving lessons and Shannon tells a story about the first time she went driving, she backed into the gas pump- and David says, “That’s what happens when you don’t take the silver spoon out of your mouth.” Shannon says she grew up privileged, but she did work every weekend.
David pulling that plastic enema out of Shannon’s butt was more comfortable to watch.
She and David go back and forth. Frankly, it’s sad. Clearly, they are making each other miserable.
Troy models a mock-up of Grandma’s next face.
Over at Vicki’s house she is making cookies with her grandkids. One of them pees in the dough, I’m pretty sure.
Wait. Does Steve only have one ball?
She discusses with Steve the Crooked Cop, in front of the grandkids, the situation with Tamra. Steve tells her to fix it sooner rather than later with Tamra. Steve thinks she and Shannon are beyond repair, but she can fix it with Tamra.
Steve says he’s sick of hearing about it. Then Vicki says, “It’s like a cancer inside of me.” Jesus Vicki- STOP SAYING THE WORD CANCER. KAC!!!
Lydia comes by Cunt Fitness and she and Tamra work out together. Tamra is grateful for her friendship with Lydia- she can share things with Lydia, because Lydia is a fellow Christian, betch. Tamra is tired of the fight between she and Vicki. Tamra tells Lydia that she has been getting lumps on her arm and she’s sure that Vicki is the cause.
Lydia thinks they could get together- alone- and work it out, because they used to be such good friends.
Betch Bride and Betch of Honor
Just then, Vicki calls. Vicki asks Tamra to meet for coffee. They make a plan to meet later that day. Lydia starts to pray.
Tamra really looks excited to meet with Vicki.
Next week, the ladies hit the hookah pipe.
Someone slip some actual drugs in there, please.
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