Hi trash! Last week’s recap got some complaints for typos and I will admit – I wrote that while essentially half asleep lol I’m trying to do better, but my schedule and life have been utterly insane. I might even have some crazy news to announce soon. ANYWAY, enough about me, more about the Real Housewives of Dallas!
Ugh, it’s Mark. We have to endure Mark being condescending in scrubs, what a treat! He gets mad at her for saying she wants to go pick up Zuri from school, and demeans her in front of their coworkers. Fuck him. I know we’re only seeing snippets, but jeez. I don’t care.
Mark Dueber choking himself next to an ad for the only thing that could possibly be darker than this scene.
Now let’s go see another shitty husband! Steph and Travi$ are taking the boys to see the house and sit by the fireplace to talk about the elephant in the room aka the pool in the room. He absolutely makes my skin crawl. But at least they “negotiate” and I don’t understand why Stephanie keeps saying the word “DILL”, and neither do the boys, so they throw her into the pool to make her stop.
Back in the dark world of Dueber, Cary and Zuri are doing yoga together in their matching outfits and it’s pretty cute. You know what isn’t cute? The story Cary keeps telling about how Mark was mad when she got pregnant. Because he didn’t want to lose attention. I hope your kid never watches this show, jeeez. It’s been seven whole minutes. Where’s LeeAnne?
Oh thank god. LeeAnne is ready for her surgery in no makeup but some kind of bun that I don’t believe is natural but I love it. There’s something in there. Brandi picks her up for surgery because she’s still pretending to be her friend for a minute. Also, this talking head look is GORGEOUS. Do this with your hair more often! I love your middle part, but I love this more. Just some ideas for the reunion.. also, Andy really likes boobs.
Brandi brings up the fact that her doctor is a vagina doctor again, and naturally, Cary comes up. I totally get why LeeAnne would be pissed about this, if you’re about to go into surgery, that’s not what you want to hear! Also, LeeAnne is giving a lot and brandi is doing NOTHING with it. You know half their “friendship” was shit talking Stephanie and Cary. And suddenly she won’t participate anymore, but she’ll sit by and let LeeAnne do it and make her look crazy. Hmmm. Snakey.
I’m really BORED-certified of Housewives doctor visits, but this whole bit with the level cracked me up, and so did Brandi calling her nipples “a statement piece”. Also, just gotta say I love that she’s wearing leopard. AND NOW, a Robert Durst Jinx-esque scene that is sure to become absolutely iconic. I think I’ve said “Her husband gets his dick sucked at The Round-Up” 15 times today. And for some reason “I know the boys that did it” is just as funny to me. Again, I don’t really care if Mark is gay, I care that he’s an asshole. But I will say I’ve heard the LeeAnne has a really good reputation with the Dallas gays and I totally believe her.
ALSO, LeeAnne did an AMA on Reddit the other day – and WOW you should check it out – it was obviously amazing. She brought up something I totally felt suspicious about as I watched. Someone asked her if she was on any pain medication or anything during this and she said yes! She said (I think) she’s taken a xanax at home and then a “relaxing cocktail” – lol wut – so this isn’t a totally sober woman. Still absolutely crazy though. It’s also worth noting that you can’t hear Brandi’s half of this conversation, and it feels weirdly cut. But at the end of the day, I don’t care why anything happened because these scene will go down in fame.
Now we get a side by side of Mark and Cary at work, while LeeAnne’s surgery is happening. This is just hilarious and this is why these shows are a hit. Almost as funny as Brandi genuinely praying in her talking head. Does nobody say “ugh I’m gonna kill her” anymore? I feel like I say that everyday and nobody has ever told me to get help for my anger lol. It’s called an exaggeration for dramatic effect, y’all, duh. Stassi constantly describes murdering people in great detail? Whatever. This scene with Cary and Mark feels really fabricated. I totally think Cary should stay home if she wants, but surely this has to be staged. It is definitely shitty to just say one day at work “yeah, I’m not gonna come back though” like.. won’t he have to hire someone else? Are your shifts covered? Eh, Mark deserves it at the same time.
Brandi and Stephanie go bathing suit shopping and Brandi is super excited for Mexico because that means “margaritas, tequila, and fun!” – all things you can get just about anywhere but alright. Naturally, Brnadi immediately tells $teph about LeeAnne’s scary Durst moment, and they decide to tell Cary. Because LeeAnne’s definitely ACTUALLY going to try to kill her… GO TO SLEEP!
There’s a lot of luxury on this show that is surely enviable, but you know who I’m absolutely the most jealous of? Lori. Stephanie’s life coach. This bitch did NOTHING AT ALL. And she got paid to sit on a couch and nod her head at some rich white girl nonsense problems. That’s my dream. Stephanie tears up and claims Brandi gave her son dyslexia. Can’t believe that ho.
We’re only halfway through this episode and I feel like I’ve written a novel. Breathe, Kat. D’Andra is here, thank goodness! She takes Cary to the shooting range and it’s fun to watch but not much to comment on. Brandi facetimes Cary to tell her that LeeAnne is on her way to murder her at the moment. Cary tells D’Andra who basically says “well yeah, that’s what LeeAnne does!” I love it. D’Andra was so needed on this show. Soooo so needed. She just doesn’t fucking care for this conversation.
$teph wants to remind us all that she’s a mom and does a scene with her kid. He’s struggling with the alphabet and she’s a good mom and all that.
Packing segments: My favorite filming location is LeeAnne’s closet. Every time we film here, I feel like we get a bit more insight. This shot we see a naked mannequin, while Rick packs for her. We’re reminded that Kameron exists for a minute, and she doesn’t want to be taken seriously. Brandi’s daughter told her not to wear pink but she’s still going to. Alright, girl. Your wish is my command. BIG NEWS BIG NEWS!! KEATIN HAS A JOB INTERVIEW WITH LOWE’S!! Another scene at the House of Dueber that gives me chills. That’s about it.
And we’re on the way to Mexico! Brnaid and Steph are drunk halfway through the flight, for sure, and Brandi falls asleep on the bus. This editing feels so rushed!! This room choosing sequence was so refreshing after this season of RHONY. Bethenny has a hard-on somewhere.
Kameron wants the story on LeeAnne’s threatening to kill Cary. Cary says “brandi can explain it”, and immeditely interrupts her to tell it herself. She points out that we’re now all just sitting around talking about LeeAnne and isn’t Brandi supposed to be her friend. She also says “i thought LeeAnne was the one holding Brandi’s hair back as she cried”… what? K’mon, Kameron. i’m starting to like you, though. I cannot wait for next week, and I also cannot wait to go to sleep right now! I’ll see you guys tomorrow when I post my Jax & Brit finale recap – DARK – and next week for Dallas! Love you all! Thanks so much for reading!