Page Six – Page Six Has Got to Stop Pushing Headlines Like This.
I mean, it’s so bad for their click-through rate. Because I don’t want to read this article. I want to run with the colorful, thrilling story that’s already happening in my brain theater, where executive producer Fitz McMagination is putting on one hell of a show.
(but really, you should read the story. it’s full of great quotes like “This is France!” and “Lenny was going to punch out this guy’s lights in the City of Light.” GOLDEN.)
E! – Unpopular Opinion Time
Everyone’s faaaaaaavorite! movie, The Princess Bride, turns 30 today. Wow! 30 years of everyone telling me I’m just god damn insane for not liking The Princess Bride. Yep, I remember when I was just a year old, that one September night I borrowed my mom’s car and drove all the way to the mall and paid a whole nickel for a little baby ticket to see that movie everyone’s raving about, The Princess Bride. As Wallace Shawn was squawking up there on screen, thquinting into the thun as he poisoned himthelf, everyone laughed and laughed and I just looked around, shrugged my little baby shoulders, and said this? This is good movies? I guess I just better quit now. And since that day I’ve refused to watch any movie, ever. What’s the point. Don’t @ me bro, but I did not like The Princess Bride. And since my opinion is the only one that matters, obviously, you shouldn’t like The Princess Bride either.
Us – Jenelle Evans is Off the Market
Sorry boys, but someone has finally made an honest woman (ha) out of Jenelle Evans, a woman who can only be described as a human hangover. Really, just the shittiest little stinker ya ever did see. You may remember Jenelle from her role on Teen Mom, MTV’s animated sitcom where unwrapped condoms sit around and smoke weed. Oh! Or from one of her many adorable mugshots. On Saturday, she wed her boiiiiiiifrennnnnnnn David Eason at their home in North Carolina (24 hours after calling the wedding off, because hey, attention). Not for nothing, Eason is her second husband, third fiancé, and third baby daddy. The wedding had a “rustic, Southern theme” because that’s basically a really polite way of describing Jenelle’s life in general. Like a charming, dilapidated old barn, except also there are cranky heroin addicts living in the barn. Present at the ceremony were Jenelle’s three accidents Jace, Kaiser, and Ensley, crying in the front row the whole time, their tiny tantrums owing to a lack of sleep and a need to eat and the fact that their stupid mom gave them stupid names and now they have to live with all of this bullshit, forever. Absent, of course, was Jenelle’s incomparable mother Babara, the only woman to ever stir my cold unfeeling heart.
This is an excellent time to plug one of my favorite parody Twitter accounts, btw. Babs Evans please come scream at me while I’m getting high on my porch. I am begging for some structure and discipline.
TMZ – It’s Like TRL and Intervention Had a Baby and No One Came to the Christening
So, uh, I guess Lizzie McGuire’s ex-boyfriend Aaron Carter is having drug problems or mental issues or something? I don’t know. I haven’t really been paying attention. I mean that’s sad and all but come on. Football’s back and I just opened my first beer. Anyway, you know what is good about this whole Aaron Carter mess? AJ McLean, former Backstreet Boy (the “Bad One,” because he looked like this), is offering to step in and take poor broken Aaron under he sessy tattooed wing. Because way back in the 2000s, AJ also had drug problems or mental issues that we also didn’t really care about because Lost was back and we just opened our first beer. So AJ will mentor Aaron, I guess, and together they’ll put on their best white linen pants and open shirts, and sit backwards on chairs with their chins in their hands, weirdly hanging out in a blue industrial warehouse that’s flooded with two inches of water for some reason, looking into the camera sadly as they figure all this out, girl. Ooh girl. Aaron’s going crazy girl. Baby, you gotta fix Aaron’s broken
brain heart. Your love is the only thing that’ll save him from the man he’s become girl. What’s goin on with Aaron baby. Ooh girl.
The Cut – [Long, Exasperated Sigh]
Hold on to your butts, everyone. Rumors began circulating on Friday that Kylie Jenner, the Kardashian’s latest model that everyone’s clamoring to get their hands on, even though it doesn’t have a headphone jack and is riddled with bugs that the app developer never fixed, is pregnant. So get up, up up you, out of bed. Get dressed and brush your teeth. Slam down some coffee. Feed the dogs and get in the car. Because it’s Monday morning and here we go.
So, Kylie herself – her beautiful, puffy, plasticine self – hasn’t confirmed anything. In the article above, President of the United States of America Kris Jenner also plays coy, bitching to The Cut that she just woke up and could she please just have a moment before they harass her with questions (that she so desperately wants). Despite the lack of notarized Kardashian approval though, some outlets are already obsessively analyzing Kylie’s social media feed with that term we all love, “baby bump!” And then we got Buzzfeed over here jumping up and down like a neglected terrier, dropping the mindblowing bombshell that Kylie “hinted” at all this in Episode 4 of Life of Kylie (Jax and Kylie Take Kentucky). Oh Buzzfeed, how clever you are. Always finding those little easter eggs in JJ Abrams sci-fi mystery thrillers like Life of Kylie.
Anyway, who knows. This seems exactly like the kind of terrible, life-ruining stunt Kris would sign off on. (letting her kid have a baby at 20! what a cool mom. what a fun little project that would be for Kylie.) So maybe, by the time this is published, Kylie will have taken to the Facesnap and shared that precious little blob of an ultrasound. And we’ll all come together, arm in arm, crying our happy tears in the town square, because finally, blessedly, we’ve heard some hopeful news. The Kardashians will have a tiny, fluttering heartbeat to bring into the world and monetize. And Ryan Seacrest will dance, piping his fife as the children of Hollywood follow him into the hills. And the earth will keep on spinning, just as it did before, on and on, day into night, until all the Kardashians die, and the cold black apocalypse sets on the human race for all eternity.
[insert peppy Kardashian whistle]
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