Welcome back, functional and dysfunctional adults, to the wonderful world of the Shahs of Sunset. Last week they gave each other a life-destruction pass because it was an eating holiday. In other words, there were only 3 screaming matches and no one cried out of anything but anger.
We rejoin them, knowing that Shervin has been making the sex with Tara, MJ wants Tommy to put up (his sperm) and also shut up, Asa is having a baby and is a huge bitch for not involving everyone in the group in the conception, e.g. she didn’t even let them watch how the fetus got made, and Reza stirred up shit while also making himself the victim, plagued by being trapped between two friends who hate each other due partially to things he planted.
We open at Tommy and MJ’s broke down condo, where it appears that Reza has finally called in contractors against MJ’s wishes to forever live in filth. MJ hasn’t gotten enough attention lately so she is sure to dress up real nice for the contractors:
No one, I repeat, no one is trying to sneak any kind of peak.
MJ credits Mike for helping pick herself up and get herself a real, first world apartment. Girl, that is not Mike’s special advice. Condos should have sinks. That’s just a real estate fact.
A bow stretched to its tensile strength limits.
MJ’s home designer heads over and, brace yourselves, it is not Reza. His name is Ryan. He has more gel in his hair than Mike and Shervin combined. He brought coffee for himself and is comfortable with the bacteria he has, so he will not let MJ have any sips.
Already regretting this job…
MJ wants her condo in order first so that she has a place to stick the kids she is basically already pregnant with. Reza arrives to also take credit for forcing a 40-year-old woman to behave like a 19 year old and find a place with running water.
Reza is already concerned by MJ’s color story: Beige, aka stain-ready.
MJ’s footstool is brand new and already has her “knee make up” on it. WTF is knee make up? Does she just shower in foundation? No wonder a bitch can’t get anywhere on time!
The saddest design board in the world.
Two men with an unenviable task: finding stain-proof home fashion that MJ can’t destroy with her endless amounts of body contour make up.
Reza plans to find the cheapest labor possible because there is NO WAY MJ will both agree to remodel her condo and pay people to do it. MJ declares that this is the most responsibility she will ever take on in her life………..
And you want to get pregnant with a human baby?
Mike is off to Shoe Palace to convince them that his shoes won’t lead to their store filing bankruptcy by the week’s end.
Perfect for a marathon OR a creative black tie gala.
The kid examining Mike’s shoes: 1. Is probably a part-time stock boy and 2. Reminds Mike that even the sample shoes look cheaply made and are fraying at the seams. Buh-bye.
Mike reminds us all that he initially invested in this business with his wife, who had already left him for cheating, and this is sooooo emotional for him. Boo-hoo. I hope Andy SLAMS him on his divorce milking at the reunion.
Mike somehow gets a limited run deal out of this meeting and calls his mommy because *sobs* he doesn’t have a wife anymore.
Over at Shervin’s, it is time for Shervin to spend time with Annalise and not the conga line of hussies usually in his bedroom.
Yes definitely all of this is yours that you brought into this house and was not left by others.
Annalise wants a closet because she doesn’t want to live out of a suitcase. Sherv resists the urge to dump her then and there because he has to first thank her for being too dumb and far away to believe the Tara rumors facts.
Mrs. LikeaLady dating rule: never trust a man who cuts the sleeves off a sweatshirt.
MJ arrives with wine and a cheating story to discuss because she senses people who are lying and she is the honest one. HAHA.
Get cozy, I’m about to make this reallllll uncomfortable.
MJ brings wine and opens with how bad she feels about having to bring this up, but what choice does she have?
You have the choice to ignore it. I was told this group ignores unfaithful men and their indiscretions.
MJ tiptoes around the subject with all the delicacy of a raging bull:
“I think he cheated on you.”
Shervin was been so controlling about people talking to Annalise so MJ had no choice but to come over and talk to her one on one. But Shervin doesn’t allow Annalise to be alone with MJ. MJ suggests that everyone with eyes knows that Shervin sleeps around. Shervin proves how unguilty he is by being a huge creep. He first walks over to Annalise and gives her an angry kiss to remind her what happens to blow up dolls that do what they’re told. Then he sits next to MJ in a really aggressive way and lights up a cigar.
It’s totally normal to fill up the glass of someone who just accused you of cheating on your girlfriend.
Annalise thinks Shervin is super honest and thinks she knows everything because Shervin told it to her. MJ suggests that sometimes, women who want to get married ignore the behavior of their partners to achieve that end COUGH Jessica COUGH. This the one and only time I agree with MJ. But also, nose the fuck out. People are allowed to just want that ring and not care if they have to get the clap to get it. Also, brain washing requires the raw material of a brain:
La la la la la la la
Something tells me Annalise is not the girl who has to pretend. I think she doesn’t realize Shervin is scum and also doesn’t realize where the sun goes during dark time.
Shervin shares that the Tara situation was his first test with Annalise and she’s still around, so he passed. Wow. He is disgusting.
This is weird. I thought you were supposed to be the nice one?
Mike and Reza head to the face barber to talk ladies. Mike’s latest date is a Persian rapper. He is clearly above this because he is both guilty and deserves better. Reza tells him to bottle that guilt shit up because it is doing no one good and they are all sick to death of hearing about it.
I dream of knives.
GG is getting ready to head off to New York for her off-Broadway theatrical actress debut. Shalom is still by her side because he doesn’t know how to leave without getting his face clawed. GG reminds him that his penance for remaining with her is a huge diamond ring and having to impregnate her and worry about what that means for the world.
I’ve made a huge mistake.
GG has already done most of the things and now she wants that ring. Shalom looks far from thrilled about this situation.
Next, the film crew takes us to the least aesthetically pleasing place on Bravo:
Reza’s condo of horrors.
MJ has arrived to Reza’s. There is 100% more MJ in this episode than I prefer. Normally this show only has 75% more MJ than I prefer. Reza brags about how the Patron he offers MJ being a brand spanking new container. Unfortunately, he is cheap so it is a brand spanking new tiny container.
Sipping on a fresh pint of tequila.
Reza announces his new baby: a play, written by him and loosely based on events in his own life. Dear Bravo gods, what have I done to deserve this? The play is about a Jewish grandmother and Muslim grandmother planning their gay grandson’s wedding in the Gay Café and, in true Bravo fashion, a poor waiter forced to witness. MJ will star in the play in a full hijab and a person named Jefferson will be the waiter. Wow. Just wow.
They act out some key scenes. It’s a goddamn disaster. MJ is morphing into Vida so her Persian grandmother accent is locked and loaded. The editors also treat us to a side by side of Vida and MJ. It’s chilling.
The future is dim.
Reza clearly dummied up this bullshit play when he heard about GG’s off Broadway disaster because he will be damned if he doesn’t also get some theatrical attention.
Speaking of GG, GG is in NYC and you guessed it, cats and kittens, she is justlikeCarrieBradshawinSexandtheCity!!! You know the Bravo drinking game rules, now you have to go find the nearest bottle of liquor and chug it. She IS just like Carrie. She is in NYC. In a play about sex. And likes shoes.
GG meets with some actors and the director of the show and her extensions promptly start falling out. Perhaps this will be her ailment for the next season: extension hair loss.
I take it GG’s Extensions are not good?
GG informs everyone of her “hearing thing,” which does not seem specific enough and also don’t you have a hearing aid now??
Good thing it’s a small theater. Less witnesses.
GG and her costar walk through the scene, which involves her making out with a dude. She hasn’t told Shalom about this little detail yet, but plans on telling him her costar is gay. The costar adds that he will be sure to pass that on to his girlfriend. Sounds like a sound decision.
MJ (UGH) takes Vida out to the Biltmore Hotel for a meal. Vida’s opener is complaining about the waiter and telling MJ she doesn’t look rested.
The order filet mignon and French fries. Classy. MJ tells Vida she is working hard to get pregnant. Vida asks “With Tommy?” HAHA. She’s amazing. Vida points out that Tommy is too busy watching the Mets to be a father and even if he did impregnate her, he would soon realize his mistake, put the baby in his backpack and leave MJ forever. BOOM. Cut to a montage of Vida hating MJ’s men.
Emotional destruction, thy name is Vida.
Elsewhere, Mike stops by to pick up Reza and his short shorts and to comment on Reza’s pants bulge. Mike has no idea where he’s going. It seems Reza’s method of finding free labor is inviting friends to MJ’s condo, telling them it’s a party, and surprising them with the task of painting the entire place.
Reza gives Mike a pep talk about the day. The name of the game is progress. MJ’s style choices will surely be garbage, but they need her to have a real condo to bring babies home to, so everyone is to support her, even if it ends up hideous, and quickly pull the place together before she loses steam or gets too drunk.
No wonder everything is covered in makeup.
Painting begins in the chosen color and Reza orders to MJ to clean the floors because the dust is somehow sticky.
I don’t clean the parts of the condo I can’t see through a bottle of Soovan-yan Blank.
Obligatory Mike penis gag.
Shervin arrives with approximately enough pizza for five people.
Don’t worry, we can order more!
MJ announces that she did not invite Asa. Not because the paint fumes are bad for fetuses, but because Asa didn’t detail her entire life story to MJ.
Not working and not even wearing his own shoes.
How are you and also WHO are you?
Destiney is wearing an MJ-approved booby top. Shots are quickly broken out and everyone gets drunk. Reza is the only one still painting because he remembered the game plan for the day. Everyone else is fooling around and seem okay with MJ’s place never becoming the terribly decorated condo Reza has envisioned.
After they get some booze into Reza.
When Reza starts painting MJ’s awful couch to prevent it from being used in the new design, MJ sees a future in which this party destroys her entire condo and asks everyone to calm down and stop. Shervin takes this opportunity to stand and announce that he has fooled around on Annalise.
Mike finds the admission to be lame. Shervin says he has banged a ton of other girls and sort of suggests that he and Annalise have an arrangement. One I’m not sure Annalise knows about.
MJ takes the admissionpersonally because EVERYONE is lying to her and it’s personally mean to her. Destiney asks if Shervin bangs girls in the bed that Annalise shares with him 4 times a year. Shervin denies it and then changes his mind and admits that he bangs them at home because that’s where his bed is at!
Time for Mike sage advice. Everyone take a seat and pick up a pen: Women get mad when you cheat in the bed that they sleep in because they feel like it is their sanctuary.
Were you dropped on your head recently?
Right on cue, Vida arrives to the condo and views walls covered in dicks and boobs. She is horrified. She yells at all of them about the damage they are causing and everyone gets back to work.
Reza, noticing the attention drifting, points out the ovulation sticks lying around. Vida shrieks that MJ should think twice about making babies with Tommy, but, as Tommy puts it, he is like herpes and is impossible to get rid of. Not sure how that relates, but okay.
Within full earshot of Tommy. Nothing but baller moves.
Vida claims that she will only help with the baby if she approves, which she does not. MJ offers to purchase her mother’s approval. WTF. The opening bid is $100,000. MJ writes a check and tells Vida to cash it the day she gets pregnant. Bitch you can’t afford painters, you can’t write a check like that. Vida must know this because she rips it up. Cue water works.
What in the actual hell is going on here?
Tommy comforts MJ is sweet and jokey, which is everything a girl needs when she is crying. MJ blubbers that everyone is making fun of her and not supporting her. Not supporting what? Your plan to get knocked up? You are an adult, do what you want! Vida takes the crying as a sign to take her leave. Tommy reminds MJ that they knew that Vida is not a Donna Reed mother, so her behavior is expected and needs to be shelved away. MJ doesn’t know who that is. More tears.
It’s like a trainwreck. Or the interior of my home.
Tommy gently suggests that having babies is more complicated that screaming at your mother that you will be pregnant soon, at the age of 40, and it is important to be ready. And she is not ready. Her house is covered in dicks, human and drawings. MJ just won’t stop saying that they just need to knock her up and it will be so easy. She is not 20, it will not be that easy. She also acts like a drunk 12 year old, so maybe they need to mature up to half their actual age first.
Never thought I’d be a mature, calming force, eh?
MJ is PISSED. She storms in to the bathroom with Reza and drunk-cry-yells that she will just go out and get pregnant by an ex if Tommy won’t give in. She even has a guy in mind, who would be more than willing. WHAT?
Yeah, I’m sure Tommy is begging to be the dad now, bitch.
Tommy lost his mother as a teen from lung cancer. He knows he and MJ aren’t healthy people and have bad habits that they should fix before bringing a child into this world. Perhaps drunk-cry-yelling about exes you have on speed dial for sperm purposes should be at the top of the list?
It is so clear that MJ only wants Tommy because she wants a baby.
Say you want a baby this second or I’ll bang the pizza boy.
Tommy repeats to MJ that he is not ready and neither is she. She says that she will just go get pregnant by another man. WHOA. Tommy, just leave now.
So, MJ has reached the point of no return for me. She suggests that because Tommy is with a woman who is 40 and had her eggs frozen, he must give her his seed or else that means he is lying to her. WHAT? Bitch you are not entitled to other people’s genetic material and he has been pretty clear that he thinks you guys need to clean up your collective acts. Get. Bent.
Tommy breaks my heart as he breaks down talking to Destiney, talking about wanting to make sure his children have parents there for them because he grew up without a mother.
Then there’s this bitch.
Reza is now bored with this exchange and gathers up the group to leave. He did his dirty work, but he’s not going to stay in this mess.
Destiney stays behind to have a purpose and force Tommy to explain his concerns about wanting to ensure that both he and MJ are able to live long enough to raise their child. This may sound dramatic, but it’s a legitimate concern considering:
MJ’s story theme this season is lying, so she accuses Tommy of lying to her about wanting a baby. He repeats his reasoning, with more tears. She fires up again and assumes he means that she is not the one he wants to impregnate. Jesus, woman, do you ever listen?
ME ME ME ME ME ME
MJ lowers her voice so that she can call Tommy an asshole who screams a lot. She still follows up the name calling with another plea for a pregnancy. No shame, girl.
MJ is betrayed in the most ultimate crazy person logic way possible because Tommy is lying about not being ready for a baby. She uses her calm drunk voice to tell him that he can say she isn’t ready when he is perfect and until then, she will be the best, drunkest mother out there. She tells him to never call her again and announces she is off to find a random dude to knock her up.
I was on the edge of my seat for this 20-minute fight and the best part is that Destiney is still there:
Do I stay or do I jump off the balcony? Is there a balcony?
Whew. This was a big one, guys. This was my longest recap yet, but it was so juicy I could have written another hour’s worth. I was in love. It is everything I want: MJ just being an all out awful person and Shervin revealing he is just as awful as everyone else. So what do we think? Will Tommy finally be free? Will Annalise find out about Shervin’s swerves? I can’t wait for next week!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!